I Want to Kill Myself – What Should I Do?

Last Updated on: January 19th, 2021

woman holding a gun contemplating suicide

Here is a list of the contents of “I Want to Kill Myself – What Should I Do?”:

  • Introductory Words
  • If You Are in Crisis
  • My Life Was Awful
  • How I Tried to Kill Myself (and What Happened)
  • When I Was a Teacher, These Thoughts Returned
  • I Went to Counseling to Discuss My Suicidal Thoughts and My Other Problems
  • How to Overcome Suicidal Thoughts (Hint: Start by Using Positive Affirmations)
  • Why Do People Think about Committing Suicide?
  • 11 Things to Do When You Have Suicidal Thoughts
  • 5 Things of What NOT to Do When You Are Occupied with Negative Thoughts
  • What to Do if You Feel Helpless
  • Phone Apps to Use to Help You Seek Professional Medical Attention
  • How Do You Discuss Suicide?
  • I Have Helped a Bunch of People Already
  • Why I Am Qualified to Help YOU
  • My OTHER Article about Suicidal Thoughts – Suicidal Thoughts, Sickness, Health, and Hope: A Personal Journey
  • Some Resources for You

Introductory Words

I’m not sure if you’re in a crisis right now because you want to kill yourself (if you are, you need immediate intervention), or if you’re just starting to have some suicidal thoughts.

But I want to help you.

I don’t want you to kill yourself.

I want to teach you to work through your problems, whatever they might be.

Solutions are out there. You just need some help finding them.

You also need to know you’re not alone! I’ve been where you are!

I even tried to kill myself once… and I will tell you about this whole experience in a minute.

For now, if you’re seriously in crisis, then call someone. Here are some international numbers (since I don’t know where you are in this world).

And please keep reading this article, because it contains a lot of good stuff in it!

Also know that I, too, have felt the pain, depression, isolation, and any other negative feelings you’re feeling right now. And I overcame them.

So can you.

And I will teach you how.

How? Read my story and use the exact same methods I used to change my life!

My story is 100% TRUE.

Bottom line? I tried to kill myself and I failed.

I also thought about killing myself for many years afterward but chose not to… because I didn’t want my son to be without a mom.

He is the only reason why I am still here today.

But the methods I use to stay positive and happy are the reason I am successful now

If You Are in Crisis 

i want to kill myself

If you’re in crisis… and if you really want to kill yourself, read this right now. Please. I’m serious. Read it NOW.

If you’re still thinking about killing yourself, that’s good – that means there’s a small part of you that has hope and wants to live despite the crap you’re going through.

The fact that you’re here is GOOD.

Please stay; I want to share my experience with you,  AND I WANT TO HELP YOU.

I wanted to kill myself, too. And I tried to when I was 15.

If you are a teenager, and you want to kill yourself, I have something to tell you. You’re brain isn’t done growing yet! It’s true! It will stop growing around age 21. Also, the feelings you’re having are totally and completely natural. Yes, you’re normal, believe it or not! And there are tons of places that can help you. Trust me. I may not know you, but I know what I went through when I was a teen and was raped. I have also been through a ton of other stuff in my life, and I have overcome many obstacles to get where I am today.

I’ve suffered addictions to both drugs and gambling. I’ve had bad jobs. I’ve been involved in prostitution. I am a single mom. I’ve had a really rough life. BUT I OVERCAME ALL OF MY PROBLEMS! 

If you’re an adult, please know that you’re not alone. There are people who can help you. Anytime, day or night.

Just call a hotline. Here’s one. If you don’t like that one, here’s another resource for you. In fact, nowadays, there are tons! Google search is your best friend. Try using it. Don’t be afraid.

If you’re in emotional pain and aren’t sure what to do next, then stick around and read my story.

My Life Was Awful

I don’t know what you’ve been through, but you’re not the only one who’s hurting. I’m hurting, too. You see, when I was almost fifteen, I was raped. I was a virgin at the time, too.

To top it all off, I was raised in a Catholic household where I was expected to save my virginity for marriage.

After I was raped, I also got involved with drugs and prostitution (as a way to cope with the emotional aspects of being raped)… before getting two university degrees while raising a son as a single mom. So yeah, I’ve been through A LOT.

I’m going to share my experience with you, and if you feel like it, you can share yours, too. Tell me your problems in the comments and I’ll do what I can to help. I promise.

How I Tried to Kill Myself (and What Happened)

When I was 14, I was a virgin. I had a fight with my dad one evening and ran away from home. That night, I stayed with a friend of a friend. He was 29, and he ended up raping me.

When I was raped, my world was turned upside-down. I was devastated. I didn’t know what to do or how to act. I tried pretending nothing was wrong. I was crushed beyond belief. I felt like life was not worth living, and I wanted to die.

I didn’t tell any anyone about it, either. I was ashamed and embarrassed, and I didn’t know who to tell or what to say.

The Kid’s Help Phone line wasn’t founded until 1989, and I was raped in June of 1986. (I was 15 then. I am 45 now.)

To cope with my devastation, I did a few things. I started smoking marijuana, began drowning my sorrows by eating and escaped my feelings by sleeping more. I fell into a deep depression.

I also became promiscuous, looking for love in all the wrong places. I thought about killing myself, constantly. One day, I tried to…

I don’t remember why I had them, but I had a prescription for Tylenol 3s that contained 30 mg of codeine each. There were 30 of them. I remember these details because of the number 30.

depressed and confused guy

One night, I decided I was going to take them all, get in bed and read a book (one of my favorite activities), and drift peacefully off to death.

I got a big glass of water and swallowed three or four pills at a time, one mouthful after another, until they were gone. I may have even refilled my glass once or twice; I’m not sure. I’m in my forties now, so some tiny details are hazy.

What I do remember is climbing into bed and nestling myself under the comforter. I had a book, and I began reading. I read for a while… until the lines started to blur together.

Then I panicked. It was happening. I was dying, and I couldn’t even meet my death the way I wanted to; my eyes wouldn’t focus.

Somehow, I thought I’d just fall asleep and never wake up, but that wasn’t happening.

Then I started to feel sick to my stomach. I felt like puking. I got out of bed, and began heading toward the bathroom. I was going to be sick, but I couldn’t walk. My balance was off. I stumbled and fell into the wall several times. My heart was racing.

This was not how it was supposed to be!

Now I was mad and worried. I didn’t know what to do next. Fortunately, my body decided that for me. I threw up. It was gross.

I was in pain, I couldn’t see straight, and I was really sick. I felt like I was being punished all over again.

I thought I was raped as a form of punishment for running away. (Yeah, there’s a lot to my story that I am not telling you here. The details are in my book, though!)

From NOPE to HOPE - final e-book cover with girl

I don’t really remember what happened next, but I know I was sick for a while.

When I finally stopped puking, I went to bed and slept. Oddly enough, I was fine the next day.

I made up my mind that the next time I tried killing myself, I’d do it with a gun. I want my death to be painless and quick. Since I’ve never owned a gun (and don’t want one – they terrify me), I’m still alive.

But… I’ve had many suicidal thoughts over the years.

When I Was a Teacher, These Thoughts Returned

I was around 29 when I started teaching high school math and English.

I had to move to a small town to get this job. I was fresh out of university and in a two-year relationship with a guy. We had been living together, too.

But when I was hired as a teacher, my boyfriend couldn’t move with me. He had to stay in our city (Thunder Bay, Ontario) because he had visitation rights to see his son on the weekends.

And his son was more important than me. Obviously. I understood that. So I moved to the small of Fort Frances with MY son. This was in July 1999.

We tried to make a long-distance relationship work, but we couldn’t. We broke up in April 2000. Things went bad for me after that. I became miserable. I was alone. No one loved me…

And I got depressed.

I was in debt at the time, too. I had student loans to pay off, and my credit card debt was piling up. Life was not easy. Then my son started stealing money from me. And lying about it. He’d also take off with his friends and wouldn’t tell me where he was going. I started to feel like a failure as a mom.

Somehow, I lived through it… and life went on. I made my new job my main focus.

But after two years of teaching, I was fed up. I was homesick all the time. (I had never lived anywhere but Thunder Bay.) I missed my friends and family. And my son continued to be bad.

Life was hard. To cope, I started gambling a lot, playing bingo.

I took cash advances off my credit cards. I didn’t know how to save money for a house… or how to save money PERIOD. I tried to escape my problems. It didn’t work. My problems got worse.

I fell into a deep depression. I wanted to kill myself… again.

I ended up asking my friend and her boyfriend to help me with my son. I sent him to live with them for a year. I thought this would help. It didn’t. I missed my son. He was all I had… other than work.

Then I began having major problems at work, too. I was assigned to teach two classes of students who had learning disabilities. I was not prepared for this. These students had a lot of behavioral issues. I did not know how to handle them.

My depression worsened.

One day, I had a breakdown at work. I was sent to the hospital and was diagnosed with major depression. I was put on medication and ordered to take time off work. So I did. I eventually quit, and moved back home, to Thunder Bay.

Things didn’t get any better for a long time. I’ll share more of my story in my book, but one thing that DID help was going to counseling.

I Went to Counseling to Discuss My Suicidal Thoughts and My Other Problems

I’ve been to counseling and it helped. In fact, I saw a few different counselors over the years.

One helped me to find a bit of closure. Another helped me to cope with my addictions. And another helped me get my problems under control.

Since then, I’ve outed my rapist.

I also found that writing helps me through my hard times. I find it very therapeutic.

I learned some other coping strategies, too.

Coping is tough, but somehow I got through my tough times, and you can, too, regardless of how much you’re struggling.

How to Overcome Suicidal Thoughts

There are actually a bunch of things you can do to overcome your suicidal thoughts and start enjoying your life.

Enjoying life is not always easy. But it’s possible! The first thing you need to do is change your mindset. You can START by using positive affirmations.

You also can use meditation, the Law of Attraction, and visualization.

These are some of the techniques I have used to rid myself of negative thought and achieve success!

They are also the techniques I teach in my book. And those two links are actually chapters taken from my book and published as blog posts (articles) on my website… which you can access FOR FREE!!!

Don’t Suffer In Silence

In most of the suicide cases, the victims are in deep pain and keep their suffering to themselves. They pretend to be happy in front of the whole world but deep inside their hearts, they are fighting their own battle.

They don’t’ tell anyone what is going on in their minds. They suffer in silence, which only contributes to their pain. As a result, they think thoughts such as “I want to die,” “I want to kill myself,” and “I wish I was dead so I didn’t have to feel this pain.”

Let’s have a look at some real-life cases

A 24-year-old girl was ditched by her own boyfriend, a person who meant everything to her. Her day used to start with his morning messages and ended by listening to his voice. She loved him deeply, passionately but after a break-up, she was shattered, she surrounded herself in her own shell. After few weeks, she tried to attempt suicide because she was not able to bear the emotional pain, the emptiness in her life, and the mental stress which she was going through.

In another case, a 12-year-old girl was forced to get into the act of prostitution. She belonged to a poor family. It was her uncle who kidnapped her after trapping her into the game of giving work. He took her to the place where she was forced to satisfy her customers. She was living in an enormous guilt. After being tired of selling her own body, she attempted suicide.

A 30-year-old lady tried to attempt suicide. She was tired of the taunts for not getting married, not only the society but her own family used to torture her. She was very sensitive and after suffering so much mental torture, she got depressed and tried to kill herself.

These are few cases which show how helpless a person feels when he/she thinks of committing suicide. It seems as if all doors of hope are closed. There is no way out of their suffering and mental pressure. Those who are able to cope up with it do survive, but those who cannot hope they die. The potential of tolerating such kind of torture and pain differ from person to person. After all, we all have different capabilities. All these people who tried to finish their life were fed up of not only with themselves but also with their situations and circumstances.

The common thing in all these cases was that they all felt they did not have a single person in their life with whom they could have shared their thoughts. So, they suffered in silence, and felt so alone and depressed that the only way to escape their feelings and problems was with a suicide attempt.

Why Do People Think about Committing Suicide?

People who are tired of their suffering, loneliness and unfulfilled desires often think of giving up and ending their lives. Sometimes threats and office pressure, or unavoidable situations (such as abuse or financial hardships) in one’s personal life are also the main reasons for considering death. There are probably a dozen other reasons why people want to kill themselves.

It is natural to get to a certain point and want to give up. But giving up is not a remedy to get rid of your emotional or mental pain. And your death will cause pain to the people whom you are related to, as well as your friends, relative, colleagues, and other people.

What you need to do is learn and then apply some strategies in your life. You CAN feel better. It IS possible. I know, because I’ve been where you are right now.

At this stage, you have to stay calm. I know it is not that easy, but you have to try to keep yourself grounded before making a rash decision that you will regret. Negative thoughts are like storms. They destroy you. So it is better first to try and think positively and rationally.

Killing yourself is NOT the answer. Finding ways to feel better and handle things IS.

It’s hard to think of anything else when you’re depressed, I know. But that’s why I am here. I want to help you open your mind to solving your problems in a different manner. I want to show that all hope is NOT lost. I want to teach you some strategies for coping.

By learning about these things, you WILL feel better. Sometimes all it takes is a person who understands you!

Once you are able to learn how to deal with your sorrows, you will be able to help others and guide them through their difficult times, too!

11 Things to Do When You Have Suicidal Thoughts

1: Call a Trusted Person

It is very important to have at least one trusted person in your life. It can be your friend, a family member, or a relative. Call that person and straightforwardly say, “I need your help. I am feeling helpless. I am not in the condition to think rationally. I feel like committing suicide.”

Talk to that person face-to-face or have a telephone conversation. It is important to burst out what is running in your mind that is making you think of the worst of your situation. Just speak, speak, and speak. Having someone to talk to will help you more than you’ll ever know!

If you can be honest and share your feelings with that person, they will help you! Tell your feelings to them and ask if how they would feel if they lost you. Stop blaming yourself for any guilt. Always think that all whatever happened to you was for your own good. You learned a lesson, and now you should move on. Never blame yourself for any kind of mistakes or traumas you endured. They are serving to make you a stronger person.

Whatever happened to you has happened for a reason. You might not think so right now, but God/Allah/whoever your higher power is has a plan for YOU.

2: Have Some Patience

If you are not able to reach the person whom you are calling, wait for his/her response. In the meanwhile, you can just take a paper and pen and start writing whatever is coming in your mind. Jot down your feelings as much as you can. Drink water to keep yourself hydrated, and try to keep yourself calm.

I can understand it will be tough to you, but you will have to do it for yourself and others too. Once you get back a response from the concerned person, talk to them and open your heart to him/her. Tell each and everything in detail as what it is provoking you for suicide. Ask for his/her opinion.

3: Cry Out Loud

Don’t suppress your emotions or keep them bottled up inside. If you are feeling like crying, then cry out loud. If you don’t want to cry in front of anyone, search for a place where nobody can see you weeping/crying.

Cry out every emotion, every single tear! This will make you feel relaxed and after this, you will be able to think exactly of what is good and what is not. This technique works very fast for recovering from severe emotional stress and depression.

4: Try to Think about Happy Moments

Try to think about all the happy moments you have had in your life. I’m sure you have had a few! Focus on those moments, and see if there is anything you can do to create new, happy memories.

Think about and cherish these happy moments of your life. Do you have any achievements, rewards, awards, or other things you can remember?

Are you having trouble recalling them? If so, contact someone who knows you well. Ask them to help you remember the good times. That person can tell you how precious you are, how important you are to them and to society as well.

5: Make a List of Things You Like as Well as of Your Good Qualities

When we give too much in any kind of relationship, we forget about ourselves. We only focus on others’ needs, their wishes, and their wants.

This doesn’t always help us, though! This doesn’t do anything for our sake. So think about your hidden abilities. Listen to your inner voice. Make a list your passions, the things you love to do, your hobbies, your favorite color, your favorite foods, your favorite clothes, your favorite perfumes/colognes, the places you like to visit again and again.

Jot down your positive habits and attributes. List the best part of your personality. Are you a caring person? Do you always try to help others? Do have skills that your friends don’t? Are you compassionate?

This technique of writing things down will definitely make you feel think good about yourself. Suicidal thoughts generally come when you start hating yourself. You don’t find yourself perfect for any situation. When you are unable to fight with others, you start fighting with your own self. This is what drags you slowly towards suicidal thoughts. But if you can focus on the positive things about yourself, you will see that you are not a bad person. You will begin to look at yourself in a more positive way. You will feel better about yourself as a result!

6: Never Think it Was Your Fault

Sometimes we meet few people who knowingly (or unknowingly) hurt us badly. That experience ruins our whole personality. We just want to curl up and die in these situations. We make a shell around us which in long term hurts us even more badly. The worst thing is we don’t know how to get rid of that memory. We cannot forget who has spoiled our lives.

I will never forget the times I was raped, or who raped me.

These types of traumas have affected us both physically and mentally, and emotionally as well. It is tough to forget those incidents! But with the help and support of our near and dear loved ones, a person can win any battle!

Whatever happened to you IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

7:  Don’t Keep Yourself Isolated or Be Alone

While going through the toughest part of life, generally people want to be left alone. But this is really not a very good practice because this habit will only make you feel more depressed. You will keep thinking only about negative aspects of life or your situation, which is not good for you. It will ruin all your creativity, happiness, talent and other positive factors of life. Keeping yourself isolated or being alone is not the remedy of any kind of problem.

Instead, try getting out of the house. Be with other people. Be social, even if you don’t want to. By being around other people, you will be able to shift your focus and mindset. You will be exposed to new conversations, new situations, and more positive actions. This will all help you to forget about your depression and your problems!

8: Don’t Lose Hope

It is not only you who is going through this phase of life. Many people around the world are in a worse condition than you. Think about them! Many people are homeless, starving, poor, and ill. Many people’s lives are worse than yours. Think about all you have, and be grateful for that!

Your suicidal thoughts are very strong, but they are not permanent. You can change them!

By reading this, you are proving that you want to change. It is up to you to make changes in your life that will help you deal with your particular situation. Think of this time in your life as only a bad phase. You will get through it! Don’t lose hope!

9: Accept the Grieving Process, Make Friends, and Seek Counseling

Most people need time to recover from trauma and loss. Did you know that there are 5 stages to the grieving process?

These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Which stage are you in? By identifying your stage, you can see where you’re at and know that your situation or feelings are not permanent. You will get through it, eventually.

One thing that will help you cope is by making new friends. This will not only keep you busy but you also come to know that not everybody is the same. In our life, everyone is dealing with their own problems.

You can also seek counseling. Sometimes it’s easier to share your problems and suicidal thoughts with trained professionals, because these people do not know you that well and will never judge you for your thoughts or situation. Instead, they can give you good suggestions of fighting it with new techniques and activities that have been medically proven to help.

10: Adopt Active Hobbies

To avoid suicidal thoughts, you need to keep yourself busy. It is necessary to involve yourself in any kind of active, physical activity. Start playing active games such as cricket, basketball, baseball, or tennis. You can also take classes in singing and dancing. If you love cooking, you can take a cooking class. You can also join fitness centers to keep yourself busy and fit. These actions will not only divert your mind but also will give you a new way to think and start a new life in the happiest way.

11: Challenge Your Brain and Play Games

You have access to the internet. (If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this!) So, download some games and play them. Use brainstorming games like puzzles, switching boxes, tic-tac-toe, Sudoku, etc., to challenge your brain. Try doing a crossword.

By doing these things, you will make yourself think about something else other than your suicidal thoughts. Eventually, by using these many techniques, you will become distracted. Your focus will be on something else, and your suicidal thoughts will no longer consume you!

5 Things of What NOT to Do When You Are Occupied with Negative Thoughts

1:  Never Think Your Problems Have No Solutions

Never think that you are always surrounded by problems which cannot be solved. Every problem has a solution. It is just that, at the time, you are not able to realize it.

If you will keep thinking about your problems, you will not be able to see the positive side of any situation. Suicidal thoughts affect your mood and consume you, and that is why they are so problematic.

By applying the strategies and techniques for overcoming these thoughts, you will be able to determine a solution to each of your problems, and you WILL become strong enough to handle things and move forward.

2: Never Keep Harmful Things at Your Place

It is better not to keep any life-threatening objects near you. Knives, razors, scissors and any types of pills should be thrown out or should be kept away from your personal reach. You can also lock these things up until you feel relaxed or normal.

3: Don’t Watch or Listen to Negative Shows or Songs

Avoid watching emotional programs or movies. This will again drag you into the same position where you were. Stop listening to emotional songs. It would be better if you opt to watch a comedy, and listen to some upbeat dance music.

4: Don’t Turn to Alcohol or Drugs to Ease Your Pain

In most of the cases of depression or negative thoughts, people lose their hope and start drinking and doing drugs to ease their pain. However, the pain subsides only momentarily, and these actions can create further problems. You might become an addict or an alcoholic! This will cause you to have more problems than you already have!

If you do decide to drink, don’t do it alone. Make it a social event. Drink with a few friends. In general, people who drink alone tend to end up feeling worse than they already feel, and are more prone to committing suicide.

5: Don’t Stay Alone

Suicidal thoughts always attack your mind when you are alone. To minimize this tendency, one should not stay alone. It would be better for you to ask your friends or a relative to stay with you.

If this is not possible, then plan some outings for yourself. Eat outside, go to a mall, and surround yourself with people. This will divert your mind from negative thoughts and will surely help you to feel better about yourself.

What to Do if You Feel Helpless

Even if you are trying very hard to cope with your situation and STILL are not able to get rid of your suicidal thoughts, call someone for help. You can contact a therapist or psychological counselor. You can also speak to your family doctor and ask for a referral to a specialist, or even go to the emergency room at your nearest hospital.

There are various organizations all over the world that have toll-free numbers and provide counseling services. Depending on where you live, you might be able to find some local organizations that can help you through your difficult times. Many NGOs (non-governmental organizations) exist to help patients who have suicidal tendencies. Here you can get help from these numbers as well. People there will listen to you. They will not judge you. They are there to help you!

Phone Apps to Use to Help You Seek Professional Medical Attention

Nowadays there are also various mobile apps that provide you with online counseling. You just have to open the app store and download them to your smartphone.

Some of these apps are Your Dost (This app also provides counseling through its website www.yourdost.com), 7 Cups, Better Help, Counselling for Teens, and ASCA National Model (American School Counsellor Association).

Various countries, such as Argentina, India, China, America, Mexico, Philippines, Berlin, Africa, Asia, Canada, and the USA provide counseling for preventing suicide. Some of these resources include:

1 AFSP, also widely known as the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. The AFSP is an NGO dedicated to curing patients who have suicidal tendencies. They make people aware of curing and maintaining mental health.

2 American Association of Suicidology, also known as AAS. The mission of this foundation is to promote the understanding and prevention of suicide and support those who have been affected by it.

3 Behavioral Health Link, or BHL, is a 24/7 service provider. They have worked in the field of mental health for many years. Their professional and caring staff are available anytime (day or night) to help you or a loved one with a mental health crisis or a problem with drugs or alcohol. They can also help you schedule an appointment with a provider.

4 Half of Us is a website that is specific to your particular problem. Simply click on the link most appropriate to your problem to get some help.

5 The Jed Foundation helps promote emotional health and prevent suicide in young adults.

6 The Link Counselling Center is a non-profit community counseling center serving the community since 1971. The Link provides quality, affordable, confidential counseling, psychotherapy, and support groups to all ages.

7 The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is open 24/7. Their number is 1-800-273-8255.  No matter what problems you are dealing with, they want to help you find a reason to keep living.

Taken from their website:

“By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.

When you dial 1-800-273-TALK (8255), you are calling the crisis center in the Lifeline network closest to your location. After you call, you will hear a message saying you have reached the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You will hear hold music while your call is being routed. You will be helped by a skilled, trained crisis worker who will listen to your problems and will tell you about mental health services in your area. Your call is confidential and free.

If you feel you are in a crisis, whether or not you are thinking about killing yourself, please call the Lifeline. People have called us for help with substance abuse, economic worries, relationship and family problems, sexual orientation, illness, getting over abuse, depression, mental and physical illness, and even loneliness.”

8 The Samaritans provide services to people of every age, sex, culture, socioeconomic standing, religion and sexual identity. They respond to every kind of personal, emotional or health-related problem imaginable, from a bad day or a broken heart to mood disorders and mental illness to a chronic or life-threatening disease, trauma or loss. Their 24-hour crisis hotline number is (212) 673-3000.

The hotline’s anonymity and confidentiality also make it a safe point of entry if you are in distress and have not utilized support services in the past or have fears about providing your personal information.

How Do You Discuss Suicide?

Suicide is a topic that is difficult to discuss but one that warrants discussion due to its serious nature.

I was reluctant to write about my experience with this until I realized that I could potentially help someone – anyone – YOU – who may be contemplating suicide by providing some sympathy and some alternatives.

Alternatives are out there.

So are strategies you can use to stop these awful thoughts and feelings.

I share them all in my book, From NOPE to HOPE.

Deciding what to do when you are suicidal is tough.

You don’t know what to do. You don’t know who to turn to. YOU JUST WANT YOUR PAIN TO END.
You don’t necessarily want to die; you want to live a better, happier life… one worth living!

From NOPE to HOPE reveals easy-to-accomplish, actionable strategies for changing negative thoughts into positive ones AND for learning to live a happier life.

Some of these include using positive affirmations, visualization, improving your self-image, and setting goals that you can actually accomplish. These strategies (and other techniques) worked for me! I went from a suicidal mess to… a success!

In this book, I share all of these with you so that you can move forward with your life and stop feeling horrible. I also provide you with Thought and Action Exercises to do, at the end of each chapter.

It also contains the advice of trained counselors who have paid thousands of dollars for their education… knowledge which I accessed by visiting them as a patient… knowledge which helped me.

Plus, it contains four true stories from four people I know — three who had suicidal thoughts and tried to kill themselves, plus one from a guy whose sister actually DID kill herself… and the after-effect his family is suffering as a result.


I know, because I did it.

You can, too!

Put my methods to work for you and let me help you transform your life!

Let me help you change your life and learn to be happy!



From NOPE to HOPE - final e-book cover with girl

I’ve already helped save one life. Let me help you save yours.

I don’t want to kill myself anymore. In fact, I like my life now. (Check out this comparison of what my life USED to be like and what it is like now.)

I’d also like to invite you to read Rape, Drugs and Prostitution — One Blogger’s Journey to Success. It might help you. You never know.

Why I Am Qualified to Help YOU

I’ve attended university for 5 years. I am a teacher, and I am educated.

I am LIVING PROOF that you can change your life for the better, and go on to succeed in any endeavor! (I became an author, a blogger, an entrepreneur, a business owner, etc.)

I’ve suffered from major depression and was labeled as being bi-polar.

I’ve taken medications.

I’ve been addicted to drugs, gambling, prostitution, and more, and have OVERCOME my addictions. I now run a successful freelancing business, don’t do any of the negative things I used to do, and have found a way to lead a positive, healthier, happier life.

And now I want to help YOU.

By the Way, I’m Much Happier Now!

Here are some recent pictures of me.

Me smiling in August 2016

Me smiling in August 2016

 Me looking sexy at 45 years of age

My OTHER Article about Suicidal Thoughts

NOTE: The following was a guest post I wrote that was originally published on Take Charge Now, back in 2014. I linked to it from this article, but the site owner ended up deleting her site. I’ve added it here because it’s relevant! (Just remember that I wrote it in 2014.)

Suicidal Thoughts, Sickness, Health and Hope: A Personal Journey

Have you ever had suicidal thoughts? What did you do about them? Anything?

If you haven’t had such type of thoughts, you are lucky, unlike me. I’ve had these thoughts so many times during my life that I have lost count. I don’t have them anymore but when I did, I was consumed by them.

The only reason I never acted upon my suicidal thoughts as an adult was because I didn’t want to destroy my son’s life and leave him motherless. I am all he has; I’m a single mom.

Stress from raising him, stress from teaching, and stress from becoming a gambling addict formed forces with each other to make me want to commit suicide. Of course, my past negative experiences factored into these thoughts. I was raped when I was a teenage virgin, had my beliefs and life shattered, turned promiscuous, and eventually started living a double life, filled with prostitution and drug addiction. Yes, my life was a disaster, a complete mess, and I constantly thought about killing myself. Constantly.

To put it bluntly, I was an emotional wreck. The person who suffered most of all was my son.

When my son was a teenager, he even went so far as to have me hospitalized. I spent three weeks in the mental health ward of my local hospital. The doctors diagnosed me as being bipolar and put me on medication. This was after I had been diagnosed with severe depression and took several different antidepressants for a couple of years.

My suicidal thoughts stemmed from my loss of hope and, coupled with feelings of despair, desolation, resentment, self-hatred, and anger, I was unable to think clearly or process things logically. Self-pity, self-loathing, and major depression returned after I was in a bad accident. I nearly lost my right leg and two surgeries later, it was scarred and slightly deformed. I used gambling and drugs as an escape from reality but naturally, these actions only caused more problems.

I hit rock bottom after my son turned nineteen and moved out. He had to get away from me in order to save himself. For three years, we were separated from one another and did not speak. He refused to have anything to do with me until I cleaned up my act.

I had a bit further to sink before I started to swim, though. I danced with the white devil and smoked my money and worries away. Then, my best friend and her husband moved out of town and I was truly all alone. I had no one. No one but myself, anymore.

I was suffering financially, physically, and emotionally. I knew that suicide was not an option, even though I thought about it a lot. (I actually tried killing myself after I was raped. Obviously, it didn’t work, and I didn’t want to have to go through that again.)

I started spending more time with my parents. Gradually, I eased off the drugs – prescription and otherwise. My thinking processes improved, and I started to feel close to “normal” again. I took a trip to see my friend that had moved away. I became more responsible. I ended up drug-free. I began accepting my life and myself for who and what I was. I no longer had suicidal thoughts.

But my son, my precious baby, was still not a part of my life.

Oddly, it was during this time, when I was getting better, that I got sick. Really sick. Dying sick. Dying sick so physically painful that, ironically, I no longer wanted to die. I didn’t want to die without saying goodbye to my son, without seeing him again, without resolving our issues . . . without him. (You can read the full story on how I nearly died if you’d like to know more.)

My son’s mere existence has preserved my own on many occasions. He was always in the back of my mind each time I had suicidal thoughts. Somehow, my love for him always won out. He was my beacon, my reason for living, my son. He was what I clung to during my dark days.

I’m still owning up to the fact that I neglected him, mentally abused him, and hurt his heart. I basically treated him like sh** sometimes, but I also loved him, cared for him, and raised him with the right morals and values, too. He knows a lot about what I’ve been through during my lifetime and, today, he is back in my life once again, being my pillar of strength, my motivation, my driving force.

I still struggle with my feelings of guilt for all I’ve put him through. I don’t know that I’ll ever quit struggling.

But I no longer think of killing myself.  I am living proof that suicidal thoughts can dissipate and vanish completely.

However, I’m still not as healthy as I want to be. Emotionally, I’m scarred. Physically, I have some health issues and limitations. What’s important is that my son’s now back in my life, and I’m a lot happier!

We’ve spent the last year building a new relationship with one another. I’ve talked with him about my new hopes and dreams, which is writing a book about my life, unveiling all details.

I started sharing some of my personal stories this past year when I began my blog. I also started writing my autobiographical memoirs, and have plans for other books, including a compilation of all the letters I’ve written to my son, who claims he has forgiven me for all I’ve done in the past.

My son is a positive person who sees the good in me and looks to the future. Despite the turmoil I put him through, my son is a smart young man who turned out great. He’s muscular because he hits the gym faithfully four times a week. He eats healthy foods, doesn’t drink, smoke or do drugs, and has a big heart. I raised him right, after all, and he is my biggest achievement.

My son, Julian, with my mom, Carol, his grandma.

My son, Julian, with my mom, Carol, his grandma.

When I think of the hurt I caused him, I still cry, though.

Of course, rehashing all the negative crap I’ve had to deal with doesn’t help. (Well, it helps, sometimes!)

But we all have our problems and burdens to bear, don’t we?

What are some of yours?

Have you ever had to deal with suicidal thoughts? How did YOU cope?

Leave me a comment or two. I’m here to talk.

I want to be a friend to you. Seriously. I want to help you. I care.

If you want help, REAL HELP, buy this book.

It contains the strategies and techniques I use to CHANGE MY LIFE!

Let me teach you how to change yours!


From NOPE to HOPE - final e-book cover with girl

Thanks, Lorraine Reguly (from Wording Well).

PS – Connect with me on Facebook! Let’s be friends! 

And check out these resources, too.

Some Resources for You

50 Reasons Not to Kill Yourself

How to Cope with Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings – In Yourself & Others

Coping With Suicidal Thoughts

Anger, Depression, and Disability: Adapting to a New Reality

The Guide to Rebuilding Bridges With Your Loved Ones After Battling Addiction

Earlier Than Too Late: Stopping Stress and Suicide Among Emergency Personnel

Teens and Peer Suicide: Dangerous Potential After-Effects

After a Suicide Attempt: A Guide for Family & Friends

Left Behind After Suicide

Images courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net, of Naypong at FreeDigitalPhotos.net, of  Master isolated images at FreeDigitalPhotos.net… and me!

565 thoughts on “I Want to Kill Myself – What Should I Do?

  1. Fuck You says

    You are pathetic. Making some bullshit suicide blog post just to sell copies of your book. I wish you had died.

    • says

      I wrote this post long before I wrote my book. In fact, I wrote the book BECAUSE of all of the comments on this post!

      I’m sorry you feel that way. My heart goes out to you.

  2. Disgusted says

    You need to be in therapy yourself. You’re a greedy bully and quite possibly a narcissist. You think because you survived your suicide attempt and found a way to move on that you have all the answers. That your answers are worth money.

    You don’t. They aren’t.

    An English teacher should not be giving medical advice. It is illegal and unethical to give out medical advice when you have no medical expertise beyond personal experiences as a mental patient. You should not be telling people they need medication. That is none of your business.

    I’m happy if medication and positive affirmations worked for you. These things are not the answer for everyone. Many people are helped by psych meds but they are just as likely to make a bad situation worse. If you want to help lead people toward help, be honest with them. Finding the right help isn’t easy. It often requires trying many therapists and psychiatrist before finding one that works. There is no scientific method for diagnosing and treating mental illness which leads to a trial and error approach.

    You are experiencing confirmation bias about the methods that helped you. Your personal success means nothing to anyone else’s experience.

    You are not helping anyone with your high handed, self-serving responses to the comments here. Your responses to desperate people are flippant and self aggrandizing, including telling people that they have nothing to complain about if they are not blind and that they will find real answers if they buy your book.

    I’m permanently disabled from a spinal cord tumor and I find this attitude disgusting. I certainly hope no one in my life tells people who come to them suffering, seeking support that they shouldn’t complain because they know someone who is paralyzed by a spinal tumor. That’s sick. There is always someone who has it worse. By your estimation the only person worthy of support, the only person allowed to complain or feel down about a major painful change is the one individual who has it the worst. That is very wrong.

    No one wins the suffering olympics. You really need to find another way to deal with your own psychological diseases besides “supporting” others.

    You are preying on the desperate and/or ignorant people who are looking for help. This site and your book are clearly shameless cash grabs. Who responds to an acutely suicidal person crying out for help by calling them cowards and saying if they want real help to buy your book? Depraved individuals like you.

    If someone is suicidally on the edge they need real support, personal and professional but most websites they find will be shameful money grabs like yours. You don’t stop there though. You are a bully that likes to kick others while they are down and make yourself feel superior.

    You are greedy and ignorant. If you really wanted to help people you wouldn’t be tearing them down this way and pushing sale of your book.

    • says

      I’m sorry you feel the way you do. You are certainly entitled to your opinion.
      FYI, I wrote my book to help people even more than this post will help them… years after I wrote this post.

      I hope you find a way to deal with your issues.

  3. Dwerb says

    I can clearly tell that you mean well. But this post is not helpful. I am going through a lot myself, until I realized that you profit off of the misery of others. You try to sell your book within the first few paragraphs, all while being aware that the people who are stumbling across this page are clinically depressed and even suicidal. You are not aware of the harm you’re causing, but this is not tacky, it’s dangerous and irresponsible. You are not helpful. You exacerbate the pain we feel.

    I want to believe you are a good person; fundamentally, I think you are. I feel for you and I am glad you are feeling better. Please take this page down. This commercial for your own personal profit is not what suicidal people need to see. At least change the title so this is not what people find when they search for “I Want to Kill Myself – What Should I do?”

    Eventually, you will need to reckon with the fact that your marketing has a death toll. They’re lurkers. They don’t leave messages like me. Instead, some maybe kill themselves. Leave this to the professionals. You are not qualified because you are yourself depressed. As am I, and you failed to make me feel any better. You should not be the final barrier between a living person facing probable suicide.

    Take down this post. Peace be with you.

    • says

      I’m sorry you are going through whatever it is you are going through. I’m not taking the post down because it is helpful for many people. You are obviously not one of those people.

      I have made peace with myself and my past. I’ve taken solace in the fact that I have helped many people… but I can’t save everyone.

  4. Tim says

    I am 53.
    I have never dated, never had a girlfriend, never been intimate with anybody, never had sex.
    I’ve been hating myself for that for years.
    The way I was raised, my experiences growing up, I have avoidant and dependent personality disorders.
    I don’t do friendship, I really don’t understand friendship, I honestly have no friends and never have.
    I am tired of being alive.
    I’ve gone back to university, and it’s been all right, but will I do anything with it, with my dreams of making/producing films, I doubt it.
    I really don’t have the drive for it, it’s just something it would be nice to do, if I won big on a lottery.
    I know that’s unrealistic, but then, so is the thought of my ever having sex without paying for it, of actually getting that close to another human being.
    Of loving and being loved.
    My plan is to finish my year, then go and get drunk.
    Buy several bottles of alcohol, drink those all, and hopefully just slip away.
    I know it’ll be undignified, but so what, better to end it now than keep on keeping on in the hopes something will happen to make me want to live.
    Please don’t talk to me about going out, trying something, dating websites, whatever.
    If I could do that I would.
    As for therapy, here are the gems therapy and counselling have provided for me.
    “If you start now then in five years maybe you’ll have sex.” Well, that was decades ago, clearly I haven’t started, clearly I don’t want to help myself.
    “Oh no, you’re the glibbest one here.”
    “As you are now, do you think any woman would be interested in you?”
    “I don’t know what you think you gain from being resistant to therapy.”
    “Nobody can help if you don’t help yourself.”
    Enough. Obviously I’m not interested in helping myself, clearly I want to complain instead of doing anything, clearly I don’t deserve or want help, clearly I can’t be helped for whatever reasons.
    Clearly I want somebody else to do the work for me.
    So, that only leaves suicide as a valid choice.
    As for it leaving problems behind, really?
    As I said, I have no friends, my cousins leave me alone, they never call and I never call them, my mother’s dead, so really, who will miss me?
    Who will care?
    I don’t deserve to live, because I don’t do anything to deserve to live.
    So hate me, please, hate me, call me stupid, worthless, scum, because clearly that’s what I am, because I have never had sex and I never will, no woman has ever wanted me so no woman ever will, because I don’t deserve to live! Because all my efforts, all my hopes, mean nothing, I mean nothing, am nothing!

    • says

      Tim, you clearly have issues and know what they are. That’s good.
      You’re right, no one can do the work for you. If you want to change, you will. If you don’t, you won’t.
      Yes, it’s that simple.
      It sounds like you are enjoying your pity party. “Woe is me!” I’ve been there. I’ve done that. I get it.
      It also sounds like what you really want is to have sex while in an actual, real relationship. Being a former prostitute, I understand that, and I also understand how f*cking hard it is to find that. Boy, do I understand! You think I have guys beating down my door to want to be in a relationship with me? Ha. Hardly!

      You’re wrong about a few things, though. You are NOT nothing. You are SOMEONE. You are SOMETHING.
      We all are.

      The question is: WHO AND WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE?

      Please tell me. Then I can help you.

  5. Joe says


    I appreciate you sharing your story and how you overcame your trials. I’m different as I have no real trigger point traumatic events. My earliest memories are of hating myself and thinking I was a POS. Those thoughts have never left. Some people are simply not made for the world. I see people who love life who have terminal.cancer. I would have happily volunteered to trade places with them. I’d refuse chemo and radiation and just disappear. Instead I infect everyone and everything around me with my self-loathing.

    • says

      Joe, I am so sorry to hear that you feel that way. What you need to do is change your thoughts and change your belief system. This can be done by using positive affirmations. This tactic helped me TREMENDOUSLY!

      Give it a try. Start here with this post about positive affirmations.

      Try it for a week. Note how much better you feel.

      I would appreciate hearing back from you at that point, too. But… no pressure.

      Positive affirmations are what really changed my life for the best. I KNOW they will help you, too. Please try them!

  6. kate says

    im a lonely girl from milkyway galaxy…I try not to think about killing my self but that is impossible…I want to leave our house but I don’t know when i can leave this shit…..my mum drag me down,hit me and break my heart….she really don’t love me….never called my name and bother me a lot…just give me a reason why should i countinue to this life when no one love me????????

  7. Due to depression, I am suicidal. I thank you though for the effort and time you put into making this post. It is comforting knowing there are kind hearted people like you. I decided I will do baby steps in recovery. I honestly hope things will work out. Though, I can only hope.

  8. Hu says

    hi,I am a chinese。I am 19.My English is not very good。Maybe you don’t understand it very well.I’ve had a bad year in the past year.Since high school, I’ve had a very low self-esteem.I’m ugly and a little fat.I always pretend to be indifferent, but my heart is very painful because I have been hit a lot.My college entrance exam wasn’t so good. Ironically, learning once made me proud.I seem to suffer from some kind of illness like obsessive-compulsive disorder in my study, which makes me very painful because it wastes too much time because of its inefficiencyAnd my parents don’t think I have anything like obsessive-compulsive disorder in my study. Nobody believes that I would really listen to me. It makes me sad..I want to spend another year studying and taking the entrance exam again. But my parents disagree. I want to cover up my inferiority by succeeding in my studies. But I failed in the end。I’ve been longing for love since I was a child, but I’ve never had the courage to show it. I’m afraid of ridicule, so I’m arrogant, so my popularity may not be good. I finally went to our province’s normal university. I want to have a love affair in the university. Everyone knows that there are many girls in the normal university.But I only studied in University for a month and was found to have hepatitis B. I would like my mother to have this disease, so I was sick from birth.Maybe I’m playful or something. I agreed to my father’s request that I stay at home for a year. At that time, I thought I would have a very happy year. I could always play with computers. It’s really childish to think about it now.I was thinking of learning English and computer by myself one year. I also want to go to the gym. But in the end I did nothing.I have another shy question. I’m a boy, but my chest is a little big. Not because I’m obese. I’m 178cm, 70kg. But my chest is a little bigger than the other boys, which makes me feel painful and inferior. This makes me sick of wearing T-shirts in summer. I don’t know if it’s a disease. But everything seems to be painful to me.My father is a contractor. I used to think he was rich, but I don’t know if he’s feeling poorer recently because of business difficulties. He hasn’t given me much money this year. I know it may be a little too much, but I have fallen out with him because of this, maybe there are other reasons. We haven’t spoken for nearly half a year. I do nothing every day.I feel like I can’t do anything well and I’m very poor. Every day is playing games, feeling that everything in the world is far away from me. I feel like I’m going crazy. I really want to die.

    • says

      Hu, I am so sorry you are going through tough times.
      Here is my advice:
      First thing is to start eating more vegetables and fewer grains and breads.
      Second thing is to start walking every day for 10 minutes.

      If you do those two things, you will feel better in one week.

      Then you can find other ways to solve your problems.

      Can you start here, by doing these two things?

  9. Arlyn says

    Thank you for sharing your story, Lorraine. I’m sure a lot can relate here. You are right, all of us have different problems and killing yourself is not the best solution. It is really up to us on how are we going to deal with our problems. Just don’t lose hope and continue to pray for guidance.
    Arlyn recently posted…aSquared Nutrition Garcinia Cambogia

    • says

      Arlyn, suicide is definitely NOT the best solution! There are other ways to deal with problems.

      I’ve not lost hope. I am happier now. Thanks so much for your comment.

      • Briana says

        Hey, I’m a 13 year old girl from alabama and i cant find any reason to be alive anymore, everyone hates me and i have bpd so i yell at my mom for no reason and she always yells at me back and says how much she hates me, This all started when my grandpa who we lived with at the time almost raped me then when i told my mom we moved but that wasnt enogh we kept seeing him everywhere we went so we moved again furter away, but no theres more when i was 9 my mom had her first seizure and i thaught she would die so i ran to my neighbors and told them what happend, my mom surivied but then it happend againand it was even worse because it happend while she was driveing and we crashed into a car and fell in a ditch and she had 14 sezures after that and i had to see every last one of them and now i have major anixiety and im scared of everything and the worst part is my mom cant aford meds for it, i might as well just die no one would miss me because i have no friends sorry for bad typeing

        • says

          Please reach out to someone for counseling. I think you need trauma therapy. You have your whole life ahead of you, girl!
          Don’t let these bad times get the better of you. I know you can handle things. I believe in you. You were smart enough to reach out for help to me, so please be smart enough to reach out to some counselor and get some professional help.
          And write back to me to let me know you saw this advice. I want to know how you are doing!

  10. says

    I’m 45, have 4 kids and have been married for 14 years. Three kids are still at home, one of which we just adopted this past year. Four days after she moved in, I was laid off. Our home was under construction- adding I – and the contractor didn’t finish, didn’t pay the sub contractors, and now they all have liens in my home. He was advanced the money by the mortgage lender and now it’s gone, but I still have to pay the mortgage or default. But the home has so many liens it’s not marketable so the can have it…
    my husband and I fight all the time. I try to be that positive person, I try to get my kids to be positive and respectful. But I fail at it all. I’ve aleays been the hopeful one but it’s just too much. No one in my house gives a rats ass about what I think or feel. I don’t want the pity of friends and I can’t be their sounding board, I can bear their burdens and my own too. I do nothing for fun. I’ve lost my interest in socializing completely.
    I really just want to go to the contractors house and leave my demise at his door step. My husband can raise the kids his way. I’ve tried to get him to do it my way, with lessons about being kind and setting an example… yada yada… it never works out. I’m done trying. I’m done hoping, and this page just gave me an outlet to say the things I have no one else to say them to. Or maybe I just wanted to get them out of my head. There is no improving, I’ve tried for years and it just gets worse.

    • says

      There must be a way to deal with it all. After all, a house is simply a house. It is a material thing. What is important are the people in your life.
      Look at families who have lost their houses/homes to fires but escape with their lives. ONLY living, breathing creatures and humans are important.
      Everything else plays second fiddle.

      Do you feel a bit better now that you have vented? Please reply and let me know how you are doing today.

    • Rana says

      I can relate to what you’re saying. I am 46 with 3 kids and their father and I fight all the time. there is so much to my story…but, I am so beat down this is all I can manage to say. I’m just so tired of it all. I was the one to encourage and try…I am all tired out. Now, I am physically sick from all the stress and I have no energy to go on.

      • says

        Rana, can I make two suggestions to you?
        1. Start eating more vegetables.
        2. Walk for ten minutes every day. Alone.
        Are you willing to take these first two steps?

  11. Jing·Wong says

    well,I am very unhappy after have seen such sad story in the comment area,i an fall in love with a girl who lives in the same city of me.but few day ago,she sudenly said–well!we are just odinary friend.but i think our relationship is not just friend.and i cant have calm sleep after that day.
    maybe this is life’s true face

  12. M says

    I appreciate that you took the time to write this article and all. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve read your entire post and carefully considered every bit of information you had to say. I just can’t relate. I’m a guy, I haven’t been raped and obviously haven’t been a prostitute. I’ve never gambled and high school is just rough for me right now. My grades are suffering because I’m procrastinating constantly because all I’m thinking about is how depressed I am and why the hell im still here. I use my phone and other electronics to distract myself from my real problems. My parents are becoming super impatient with me because they have high expectations for me because everyone says that I’m so smart and am capable of doing so many things but I just feel like that doesn’t matter when I truly have no happiness. My parents each have had a ton of success in their life. My dad ended up in jail years ago and ever since then my life really has felt like it’s gone downhill. My mom is worried I’m gonna use my mind to my advantage and end up like my dad, which isn’t true. Meanwhile, I’ve been slowly pushing my friends further away, same with my family and this year has been such a stressful school year because of all the advanced classes I’ve taken. I just don’t want to be a detriment to my family. They think I’m a happy kid and everything is going well because I can convince the people around me that everything truly is going just fine, but it’s not. Suicide just feels like an option right now and it never has been before. I don’t want to die. I really don’t. I just don’t see much hope in the future and I feel like the entire world is just getting worse, not just my own world. The only reason I haven’t come close to attempting suicide is because I have a close bond with certain family members and I would hate to upset them. As much as I believe no one should care if I die, I know I have people that would. Because of this, I’m still here and I’m writing this because I hope maybe you can understand my story. My story isn’t really NOT MY FAULT. Maybe in some ways it isn’t my fault that I’m mentally hurting. I obviously just didn’t become this way. But certain events in my life have gotten me here and I regret them so bad. I regret pushing the love of my life away for LITERALLY no reason. We talked every day. We literally loved each other and I got jealous for stupid reasons that I, at the time, thought were annoying and bothered me so much, and blocked her on every form of social media. I’m too embarrassed to talk to her again or apologize to her, even though I owe her one. Every time I see her I don’t look at her and I really wish I could just pretend it all never happened but I just regret what I said and am too ashamed of my decisions to own up to her and tell her why I did what I did or why I just flat out blocked her and ignored her for what is now 2 years. I just can’t get over it since we used to talk every day for a year and were so close for so long. I regret not talking to certain friends more and being there for them more, which has caused them to stray away. I just believe that it’s my fault. I feel like a total asshole. I feel like I really am my own problem and the reason I feel this way is because of mistakes I’ve made and lies I’ve said in the past that people actually believed out of respect for me. Sometimes I’ll pick up my life here and there and I’ll try to find a way to keep things going but then I just seem to end right back up at where I started. I’m almost out of high school and have no clue what my future holds except that my depression and possibly anxiety is ruining it. I don’t want a failed future. I’d rather die. And I just feel like I don’t see a way I can find happiness again, unless it comes quick and fast. I don’t wanna do it. But I do wanna die. I feel like the world would be better without me and my family would have less stress. But I know they love me. I have AMAZING parents. Amazing. That’s why I hold on. But I don’t wanna hurt their lives anymore. I don’t want my pessimism and my laziness and low will to do big things make them upset or disappointed. So many people believe in me and that’s why it hurts. I just wish I could give any poor kid with a much stronger desire to live or someone who has very little my life and all the things that I have so they can make something better of it. I feel like I deserve to have nothing for the type of person I am. I’ve never done anything seriously wrong to anyone, I’ve just always been inconsiderate and hypocritical at times. Anyways, this is long as hell. I’m not making up any of this. I could obviously tell you more in my life as to what led up to this. Just writing this out felt good. I’ve never wrote about my life in this type of way. I’m just tired of holding emotions in. I got homework to do but I’ll definitely be checking back to see what you think. Lastly, I’d just like to say thanks. I couldn’t imagine being a woman and being raped at such a young age. I’ve only had sex once and it was done with consent. I cannot tell you if I feel worse than you ever have or if you felt worse than I ever have, but I CAN say that I’ve experienced some of the mental pains you’ve experienced although we were depressed for significantly different reasons and have obviously lived two totally different lives. Glad you were able to turn your life around. I just wish everyone could turn their lives around. (P.S. I’m not leaving my name for privacy concerns.. no one knows I’m depressed, at least not yet)

    • says

      M. Okay, I’ll call you M, as I completely understand your reasons for privacy.

      First of all, it warms my heart that you took the time to write this all out. Writing is one of the things I recommend because it helps! I’m glad you were able to see for yourself that writing is therapeutic. 🙂

      Secondly, I applaud your courage and honesty. It took guts to write this out to a total stranger (although you got to know me and some of what I have been through by reading my post). Congratulations on taking the first step and admitting you need some outside help.

      Depression is actually an illness. It has been recognized as such. And there are various treatments types, including medication (antidepressants). Perhaps you should speak to a doctor about your feelings. You might even benefit from speaking to a counselor or psychiatrist or psychologist (although only your doctor and a psychiatrist are allowed to write prescriptions).

      Thirdly, admitting that you are a hypocrite (or can be hypocritical at times) makes me want to know this: If you KNOW you are that way, why don’t you fix it? Be nicer. Be different. Be yourself… your true self. Stop pretending and worrying about what others will think. (Yes, it’s really THAT simple.)

      Fourth, I’m sorry to hear about your loss. It sounds like you loved her very much. You said you owe her one. You also said you should apologize to her. WHAT’S STOPPING YOU? Just do it! You know you should, so… please do it. It will open up a whole new world for you. Forgiveness (you forgiving yourself, not her forgiving you) is something you need. If you apologize, you will likely make BOTH of you happier than you currently are.

      Another way of looking at it is: YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE AND EVERYTHING TO GAIN.
      So, really, what have you got to lose? Nothing. You already lost her.
      At least, if you apologize, things WILL be better. I know they will. Deep down, I think, so do you.

      So… there are two things you need to do.
      1. Find a doctor to speak to (who might refer you to a psychiatrist, depending on what you need).
      2. Apologize to that girl.

      I’m going to add two more, which are:
      3. Keep a journal. You don’t have to write in it each day, but I would like you to write more of your feelings out (kinda like how you did here) so that you can either look back on it in the future OR, heaven forbid, your family can find it and read it after you are dead. You know that they will be looking for answers and reasons why you did what you did… (I’m not advocating suicide, I’m trying to get you to think more about how it will affect your LOVED ONES if you did decide to attempt it. FYI, please don’t. I really want you to do #4.)

      4. Write to me. You don’t necessarily have to respond to me here. You can email me at [email protected] and I PROMISE I will keep our discussions private. I want to know that you are going to be okay. I fear you are not. I also want to GIVE you a copy of my book FROM NOPE TO HOPE because I know it will help you. It also sounds like you don’t know where to turn right now, and so I am happy you left this comment for me and I want to continue to help you, however I can.

      You matter. Your life matters.

      I once thought mine never did.
      Then you wrote this comment and proved me wrong.

      I really want to hear back from you, M (whatever your name is).

      Please email me. I AM HERE FOR YOU.


      P.S. Sorry it took me three days to reply. If you email me, I will respond the same day. I check that email daily!

      I hope to hear from you SOON!

      • says

        Dear Lorraine,

        Do not worry. I am absolutely fine. I appreciate that you considered all I had to say and took the time to give some suggestions. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve actually done better since I wrote this. Not heavily and significantly better, but better to where I can actually just flat out tell you that I’ve done better. Maybe writing that helped, maybe it didn’t. Maybe picking up myself a little more day to day helped, maybe it didn’t. I started working out again, although I’ve never been out of shape in any way. I just wanted to feel better again by doing it. Sometimes just listening to music and working out with dumbbells and doing push-ups makes me distract myself. I’ve also been trying to play basketball again but I haven’t found anytime lately to do it. Basketball is something that always makes me forget about anything bad in my life. I just have that type of connection to it. And of course, I will answer that question of yours about me calling myself a hypocrite. And to be honest, I don’t know why I’m that way at times. Maybe I have a tendency to do things without thinking. But then at times, I put thought into every decision and the repercussions that it will have if i do it. Or maybe that’s just me now. Maybe that’s the me that’s learned and has benefitted mentally from those mistakes in certain ways. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and just slap my old self when I think about some of the dumbest decisions I’ve made.

        Next, I will address your recommendations. The reason I have NOT told a doctor or psychiatrist is just because I feel like I’m not ready to open my mind to them. I’m very stubborn and independent and I like figuring out things myself. The reason I wrote to you is because I knew technically it would be a way to look for help without having to let people in my own circle in the outside world know about my problems. If I feel like my life gets so bad to the point that I need to involve others, I will open my mind to those people. I am not a quitter at all and will do whatever it takes to make things better. I know a doctor or psychiatrist will not judge me or my past just like you haven’t, but like I said, I don’t want to involve my parents and then have them all concerned for me and more stressed about my life. I don’t want my life and my happiness to be the main concern of those who take care of me if I can make it better myself. I hope you can understand. I’m trying to avoid that stage. Maybe one day I will go back and tell them about all this if I don’t have to involve them in this situation.

        Next, I will address that whole situation with the girl I mentioned. Apologizing sounds like the easy option but I just haven’t found a way to admit to myself that I should do it. I feel like I should just avoid her in my mind and just split ways completely. I still see her sometimes, but I’d rather avoid it altogether. Obviously, it does hurt. But I’ve nearly let go of that pain since it’s been a full 2 years. I wasn’t really rude or disrespectful when I left her, just cut off contact completely. I have since then unblocked her to feel a bit better but have not said anything to her. It’s been a full 2 years since I’ve even talked to her and I remember what I said and why I cut her off and looking back I feel stupid, but I guess it was never meant to be. And to be fair, that’s not me being pessimistic, that’s just me being honest with myself. If there’s anything I’ve given up on, it’s that. About the journal, I have actually written about certain things in the outside world in different journals. I’ve also sometimes written to myself. Not necessarily about my depression but sometimes just about stuff when I’m bored. I’ve also only been recently depressed. It’s weird because just last year at around this same time I also had an urge to want to die but I don’t know how I recovered. During that time it only lasted for maybe a couple months. This phase of depression just started towards the end of summer due to some bad events. Maybe I have been depressed for a full year and haven’t noticed it because some stages were better than others. But this year it’s the worst it’s been. By far had the worst summer of my life because of a few things that happened and now I’ve been so stressed that life hasn’t felt enjoyable. It still doesn’t feel enjoyable, just more bearable since I wrote that. It’s also crazy because I wrote that like 4 days ago and I already feel like a different person. I don’t feel more improved, I just feel like I’ve accepted my situation more and the fact that there’s maybe some way I can improve it. I haven’t really felt the urge to attempt Suicide and school has been better for me since I’ve been figuring out ways to do better. I know that I will mentally beat my own emotions but anxiety has caught up to me and it makes me feel like there’s no hope for the future no matter how much things pick up. Maybe you know why I feel this way. Do you think I’ve truly improved and I’m recovering from depression or do you just think I’m feeling this temporarily and will eventually return to my bad state of mind unless I do more things to stay on the right track?

        I apologize once again if this is really long. Thank you so so much for being an understanding individual and taking the time to try to help someone that you don’t even know or never have talked to. It’s a good feeling that I could just go on google and find a way to get some 1 on 1 help online as I try to improve my mental health.

        • says

          Hey, M,

          I’m not a doctor. I’m a teacher. I cannot say for sure why you feel the way you do. From what you have said about school, however, I DO KNOW THIS: you’re a teenager. So, your brain is actually NOT done growing yet.

          This means that you might feel the way you feel until you are around 21 years old, when your brain will be fully done growing. (You can Google this topic too and read all about it.)

          But you also might be suffering from clinical depression, which is actually an illness/disease, which can be treated with medication, which is why I suggested you see a doctor.

          You don’t have to involve your family in that; you can seek help without them knowing! Consider it.

          The whole 2 years thing… well, I already said my piece on that.

          Working out helps release serotonin and dopamine, and that is what is making you feel better. That’s good to hear!

          Again, sorry for the delay in responding. I really need to check my blog comments more often!
          Rest assured, however, that I will ALWAYS SEE THEM. So please, please, please keep writing to me.

          I’m glad you journal sometimes. Writing helps. 🙂

          The only other thing I want to say is that there are some times of the year that are harder than others. For me, it’s in March. My son was born in March. My grandma died in March. March is a time of renewal, spring. August is tough on me too because my dad gets weird and angry at me a lot then. His mom died (my nana, not my grandma) in August. Plus, my birthday is in August. So is my sister’s and my brothers. And my dad’s. So August is always tough. I noticed this because last year in August, I had a huge fight with my dad. I posted something about it on Facebook. This year, I saw my Facebook memory from a year ago, and guess what? I just finished having another huge fight with my dad. So it’s an August thing… probably for the reasons I just said.

          If you can find out WHY you feel the way you do at the end of summer, you will be better equipped to handle life at the end of NEXT summer.

          Is the change? School starting? Added pressure? Extra stress? The climate change? Think about it. Figure it out. Then you will be better next year.

          As far as everything else goes, stay open and honest. Be strong. And know that I’m here. OK?

          And write back!

          Let’s continue this dialogue. It might help you. I hope it does.
          Plus, I want to know you’re okay!


  13. says

    hello my name is Abril and I am only 11 and I have been suffering from depression ever since I stared middle school. I have tried killing myself by cutting my arm near my vain. I also tried killing myself by hanging myself. I talked to someone about my depression and me trying to kill myself but it didn’t work. I still try killing myself. I have so many problems in my live. Nobody at school cares about me I have no friends. My parents fight a lot. every time my parents fight I try killing myself by pointing a knife at me. I talked to my parents and they do nothing about my problem. please can you help.

    • says

      I’m so sorry, Abril. I wish I could take your pain away.

      Why are you so depressed?
      Have you tried talking to a counselor at school?
      Have you tried calling a 1-800 helpline?
      What did your parents say/do when you told them about your feelings?

      Please answer these questions so I can help you further, okay?

      ~ Lorraine

    • Aligh says

      I know exactly how you feel. I am 12 and my parents have been fighting since I can remember. I used to sneak out a lot. Get fresh air. I tried to kill myself the same way. It got to the point where I got a doctor and know I am suffering with depression according to them. I promise it gets better. I advice doing things you love. It helps. I am really sorry someone as young as you has to go through this no one deserves that. Please reach out to someone. It really is the safest and best option. I hope you get better.

  14. Shy says

    The hell are you talking about, this seems less like motivation and more like a book promotion, if you’re trying to help people who want to die, listen to them. Shut the fuck up and listen to them. Don’t tell them do think of happy times in their worst moments. Fucking listen to them. Fucking listen to us. Fucking listen. Fucking listen.

    • Elizabeth Pendleton says

      Amen. I hear them say Suicide is not a solution. It is a solution. It doesn’t help the suicide prevention ‘successes’ they want to count.But I called and asked for just one single reason to live and they couldn’t come up with one. Attending university for five years does not qualify you for anything, you bitch.

      • says

        Elizabeth, you are certainly entitled to your opinion. If calling me a bitch makes you feel better, then that is fine with me. I’ve been called worse! LOL

        And suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. So, you’re right. It is a solution, but not how you think it is.
        If you are successful at killing yourself, then you have a whole new set of problems, like being stuck in a realm from which you cannot move on without help from someone else. Don’t you know about this spiritual stuff? I suggest watching a few episodes of Dead Files and seeing how ghosts (people) can get trapped after they die. It’s simply better to fix the problems you currently have than to create new ones!

        Try using the techniques in the FREE chapters of my book to help you.
        Chapter 8 is How to Use Positive Affirmations to Improve Your Life.
        Chapter 9 is Use Meditation, the Law of Attraction, and Visualization to Be More Successful.

  15. Brendan says

    My name is Brendan, I’m 19 years old, and my gambling addiction has won.
    I started gambling this year at the casino, I live in a small town, and I drive to Gatineau to gamble and its taken everything to my name, and maxed my credit card that I swore id never max from gambling.
    Being in College, having only paid the 1/3 of my tuition, and just losing $2,400 tonight has now killed me.
    Yeah, you seen I just lost $2,400.. I wish that’s all ive lost, Today is December 26, 2017.. Since August this year, I’ve now lost approximately $25,000 dollars, that I could NOT afford to lose, I lost everything. I wont be able to pay my rent that comes up in a couple days (student residence) my phone bill, and all of this, my parents have NO clue. NONE. They think I have atleast $8,000 ish sitting in the bank… yeah I wish I did… Now its the planning phase, ive always been suicidal, even when I didn’t gamble.. Gambling became my coping mechanism and it only dug me in deeper in thought. Well, I always viewed life as a big game, and its 2 big words in red saying “GAME OVER” right in my face.. soo, I’m definitely planning what day its going to happen. Ive talked to couselers and I had a psychologist ASSIGNED to me in HighSchool cause I tried to kill my self, but I was stopped by the principal… long story to that. Anyways, getting piss drunk and falling through ice shouldn’t be too hard, hopefully.

    • says


      I know how you feel. I was a gambler for years. I felt suicidal almost every time I lost, and I lost THOUSANDS too.
      But… it’s only money.
      Yes, it’s money I needed, and it’s money you need… but… it’s only money.
      Tell your parents the truth about what happened. Together, you will find a solution.
      Trust me on this. Honesty is the best policy, and if they know how awful you feel, they will help you. Sure, they’ll be angry at first, but they’ll live.
      So will you.
      Please write back. Please. I want to hear from you.


  16. Khalil Roman says

    Hi i am 22 years old. six years ago i loved one girl she is loving me and at this time i don’t geted my love and now i have no more hopes as this world i want to finish my life i am very tired with my life and also i have big buisness and i am living the all things plz what can i do?

    • says

      Khalil, I’m sorry to hear you are struggling and are unhappy with your current life.

      Buy my book, From Nope to Hope . Do the exercises it says to do. It WILL help you!

      I used the same strategies in MY life, and I am happy now! So please try it!

      Good luck! Let me know if there is anything else I can do for you!

      • Goodness says

        Hello Lorraine I’m 25 n I have been married for 2 years i loved my husband and respected his wishes and everything.I support him in everything..he’s not working..I’m working I do everything for him..I fell pregnant on March and I lost my baby because I had too much stress he wasn’t sleeping at home he was always drunk he never asked me how I’m doing…he just wakes up in the morning take a shower eat and go everyday. .he beaten me last month and ask me not tell my parents..he just doesn’t stop I had enough..I’m looking after him,the house,bills,and everything but he doesn’t seem like he cares for me.he fights with me in front of his friends he just dont listen to mi cries..I think it’s better I kill myself I can’t bear the pain I’m living in I’m even scared of him after he beat me for no reason

        • says

          Talk to your parents. Tell SOMEONE what is going on!
          Get the help you need, and leave your husband. Clearly, he is not the right man for you if he beats you!

          Support is out there, my dear. Go find it.

      • Rhee says

        People need help and you say buy my book.. I came looking for someone to talk to because I’ve been through a whole lot too. But buying a book when I’m too distraught to read really isn’t going to help. I wish it wasn’t about a book and money and about the person.

  17. Dean says

    I wanna die im sick of this pathetic life i dnt see the point in life anymore im 36yrs old and all my life ive being honest treat people right work hard, and yet i get treated like trash ignored. Ive had the house all the cars bikes travelled the country infact all my life ive being moving around and now i got no more places to start over in. Im tired i live with physicall pain everyday for the last 10years ive got two daughters one i dnt know where she is and the other i cant even speak to because all i wanna do i die how can i talk to her on the phone when all i wanna do is die. I cnt handle breakups and every breakup i get to this point and threaten to kill myself everybody now knows me as phsyco. I cant do this anymore dnt even know why im writing this…….. i need to go hang myself now instead of writing on here sorry for waisting everybodys time. I love you michelle enslin sorry for what im about to do…….

    • says

      Dean, before you go and do something stupid, try using the methods I used to stop the pain. They are all in my book! Get it. Read it. Try using the same techniques I did. Then you will be okay! Trust me. I know you think that ending it all is the only solution, but you’re wrong. Trust me. Please. Give it a shot. After all, you have NOTHING to lose and EVERYTHING to gain!

  18. K says

    My story is very long and to be honest I don’t even care enough to type it all out…. I just wanted to see if this actually does help because I feel like the only way for the pain to end is to die. I just turned 21, and I don’t want to hurt the few people who do love me but I cannot bear the pain anymore. I’ve talked to people I’ve told friends and professionals but no one truly understands what I have been through… on top of that, some of the people involved have recently been harassing me and I think I’m starting to believe I deserve it all. Everything happens for a reason and no matter how much I try to be a good person or am one, I can’t stop my suffering. I read some of your advice for a homeless shelter and I’ve volunteered. My job right now is actually as a CNA at a nursing home and yes it’s rewarding but it’s not enough. The pain doesn’t stop, it’s been 6 months, and I don’t even know who I am anymore. I just want the pain to stop.

  19. Fay says

    Dear Lorraine I read all of your life story and its a lot similar like mine..the only thing i didnt was prostitution but my job all these years was a dj in bars with consomation women that does prostitution and eventually now that there is no work at all no jobs no nothing im not working at all. I live in greece and i was always proud to be greek u know with all of our beautiful history and all. But the thing is that all my life is a great big struggle..i got raped at 21 by my best friends boyfriend..didnt tell anyone..i was to ashamed and i just took a suitcase locked my house that i was renting and dissapearred from there. I changed house and city because of that. My mother and father are not relyable at all they never cared for me..forgot to tell you im 33 years old and all of my life was totaly alone. Ive had some friends but there is no trust for me left so that i can realy on. My parents was so absent that they have me until right now that im writing to you without an id and papers because noone went to register me here in greece when we came back from australia. So im with an18 year expired passport one birth certificate and no id because here in greece i went everywere to try and fix my papers and there is no solution what so ever im fighting this for years. So im alone with no papers and without papers no job anymore and a relationship that i love him so much but im afraid of seperating because his the only one right now in my life..no friends not even one.. and i have to change house again after 8 years with no money and i must leave from this house within a month. My boyfriend does help me a bit financially but not enough and im too embarassed to ask anything if i need something. I love him so much that i feel first of all that if we seperate i will have nothing to live for anymore and ive never felt like that ever in my life. He hasnt said anything like that but i feel it coming i dont know why. I hope its my idea. Anyway though the truth is that there is no hope right now in my life..nothing nothing nothing. Im trying to take it out of my mind Lorraine but i cant. Everyday i wish something would happend so i would leave this life. Im dissapointed in everyone and my self. Im afraid a lot to be left alone anymore i cant be alone anymore. And everyday im trying to think of a way to take me of my misery. To kill my self. All these years i was against suicide and never thought of me doing something harmfull to my self but really i feel terrible afraid helpless and alone. I thought of counceling but there is no money for that. Here phycologists are too expencive and they kid you around. I hope i still hope but thoughts come to mind and one day im afraid i will do it. Sorry for the long letter but i had to tell you whats going on.

    • says

      Oh, Fay… I’m so sorry to hear all you’ve been through. I know life is hard.

      I hope you signed up to get my e-book! It’s packed full of stuff you’ll find useful.

      It’s going to be released soon, too.

      In the meantime, hang in there. You don’t want to die, you just want your pain to end. I know that.

      Feel free to write back. I’m listening.


  20. shivi says

    Hey… Shivi here,

    Sometimes, I feel so low just because no one here to trust. I had a bad experience when I was in 8th class. But still I remembered each and every thing. I tried to forget all bad memories but every I loose only hope. To overcome from that phase, I always searching for the paths where I will walk confidently. In this search, I browse so many portal for online counseling because I have no guts to face anyone while discussing that. In during search, I come to the portal DialMyAngel. I really like their chat process because I can write anything whatever in my thoughts. After reading your post, I realized and thinking for a person to listen me without judging me.
    Thanks a lot because directly or indirectly your thoughts help me!

    • says

      Kassie, forgive yourself and move on.

      I had an abortion when I was 16. I know how you feel.

      You cannot change the past, but you CAN learn to make better decisions in the future.

      Try to learn to let it go, and move forward with your life AS A BETTER PERSON.

      YOU are in charge of your happiness, my dear girl! So you NEED to forgive yourself for this.

      And I’m here to talk, if you need someone to listen. OK?


  21. Taylor says

    I just wanted to leave my note somewhere. Not on Facebook soley to spare the details, but somewhere so at least someone will have seen it before I go in case no one finds it on my laptop.

    I am tired of searching for things to grasp onto as reasons on why I should continue to live. I am tired of feeling the negative and hollow aurora which follows me every day, which shows up everywhere I go. I cannot avoid it anymore, and I cannot handle the moments of deep pain and despair that come and go when they please. I am angry at myself when I realize that I just can’t explain how this feels, and how no matter what I do in attempt to change it, nothing works and it comes back. I try to talk about how I feel with those who I think I can trust or who might be able to help, but it is treated as a joke, or overlooked as they don’t think I could or would follow through with it. I don’t know if I would do it or not, but if I did attempt to, I would make sure that it is successful, and that I do not wake up or come back. Although my life seems perfect to most, and it seems like I am living what most would consider a blessing, I wake up every day feeling like I am stuck in a nightmare, with no one to go to, and with nothing that can make me genuinely happy for an extended amount of time. Growing up for some reason I often had the thought that I wouldn’t make it to the age I am now, and I couldn’t picture it. Here I am now at 20 years old, with the same feeling but for the future. I am tired of lying to myself when I say that each day is a new one and will be better than the last, when I know I will feel the same negativity and lonesomeness that I felt the previous day. I am grasping for things to hold on to, so that I don’t fall into a hole in which I eventually won’t be able to climb out of, only to watch everyone from above mourning and acting like they care when it’s already too late. Everyone cares when it’s too late.

    I’ve spent my life taking time to make sure the people around me are okay and well, which in turn causes me to live for everyone but myself. Don’t say it will get better, when we all know that it will not. It may not get worse, but that’s irrelevant at this point. After all I’ve done for everyone else including my family, the most spotlight or remote sense of appreciation of my existence will be when my funeral takes place, if my family cares to even have one for me. I am not the favored child, I am not the favored friend, and I am not ideal enough in anyone’s eyes, even those who claim I am but have no genuine points to back it all up. I had tried these past few years to improve myself by getting involved and starting organizations for things I once cared about, but at the end of the day, none of it make me happy for an extended period of time or allows me to enjoy my life anymore. I realize this is the easy way out, and maybe when this happens my family will finally notice me and realize how much I really tried to be happy, successful, and positive when all I have wanted to be these past few years is to be gone. If anyone dares call this situational depression, you are wrong. You are wrong in thinking you know how I feel. You are wrong in thinking that I wouldn’t be the one to do it. People see when these issues are going on, but choose to overlook and ignore them until it is too late. The world opens its eyes when it’s too late, and everyone cares when it’s too late.
    Today’s moments quickly become tomorrow’s memories, and that’s what I’d rather be is a memory.

    • says


      Print this out. Give it to your family members to read.

      And go see a doctor. It sounds like you need some medication to help you feel better.

      I was on some antidepressants for a while, and they worked for me.

      Please… please do these two things ASAP!



    • TC says

      Taylor has described exactly how I feel on a daily basis.

      At some point, I quit caring about everything but I still value people. I do care for people but helping others no longer soothes me as a temporary fix to my depression (which I have kept hidden).

      People view me as a person who has it all … Perhaps that is my problem, I have nothing to look forward to or to work for … No reasonable goals to set for myself. I can create an outrageous goal which will never come true (such as winning the million dollar lottery) but I’ve tried to be realistic about my future, which most of the time, I wish would end.

      I’m not at the end of my rope yet but I am inching closer and closer. My hope is that finding this website and reading experiences from people with similar thoughts and issues will change me in a way which turns my future outlook into something I want to be a part of.

      Bottom Line: I want to matter again but I am not sure in what capacity.

      • says

        I feel the same way some days. I almost feel hypocritical giving advice to others. I have bad days too.

        But I remember my own advice, and it helps.

        Sometimes doing a little soul-searching helps too.

        I hope you can find happiness somewhere. Perhaps visiting your local homeless shelter will put your life in perspective for you.

        Maybe you can offer to volunteer… if you have time. Changing a person’s life will surely give YOURS some meaning… don’t you think?!

    • says

      Are you still with us? I’m just seeing this, and everything you wrote is IDENTICAL to how I feel, have experienced, and wish to be. Just gone. Wish we could talk. Nobody understands this feeling unless have felt or feel this way as well. People say it’s selfish, and to think of who I’d hurt…I’m an only child (daughter) and a mother of 2 beautiful successful kids now 19 and 17 who I feel would hurt, but be able to go on at this point and still be successful. I’m scared of hell, or what woud come after though. I’m scared of not getting to go to a much better place to have eternity with my loves.

  22. ChujCiWDupeStaraSzmato says


      • burt lu says

        Dear Lorraine tonight I have decided to overdose on some sleeping pills. I supposed to take two but I am going for 30. I pray it does the trick. I can’t stand my master’s degree and can’t tell my father I don’t want to do it anymore. Some words of encouragement as I embark on this act of ending it all tonight.

        • says

          Burt, I took 30 and it wasn’t enough. Read my story again, and you’ll see that I just got really, really sick.

          There are ways you can deal with stress, you know. You don’t have to kill yourself.

          Try using some of the 11 strategies mentioned in this post.

          Give yourself a few days to try and cope.

          Then get back to me, please!

      • burt lu says

        This is it Lorraine! I’m taking the pills now. Hopefully I won’t wake up. No more stress of my master’s. Keep up the good work,

        • says

          You are just going to get sick, like I did.

          And you are taking the coward’s way out.

          Don’t forget to say goodbye to your family. Leave them a note, please!

          P.S. Try yoga before you go…

      • Mahmuda Rahman says

        i dont know why im writing here right now. i know that you dont care you wont read everything. nobody cares. everyone say that they are there for me and they care but then they just left. i have no one. im suffering of many problems since secondary 1 and now im in secondary 4. im just done. i have enough. i tried many times to suicide and yeah i cut. im 15. i dont know hwy im saying all those stuff… maybe because im tired. i have no one too deseparate that im texting someone i dont know and telling stuff like that. i dont have many friends eveyone left me. because of a girl who dont like me and wanna ruin my life and she did it. she stole eveything of me. she stole my sister my only older sister( they are best friend now) now my sister think bad of me because she is telling everyone in school bad stuff about me ive lost everyone, many closes friend. im feeling so alone. now i have like..sorry i mean i had like 5-6 friends but im seing that they’re talking with the girl who wants to ruin my life. so now they are thinkin bad too. i have enough. i have the cancer too.. leukemia.. i though the lat friends that i have will be there for me and care but i was wrong nobody cares, i just wanna die my life is too complicated since im 10years old. i dont wanna tell eveything here in comment and dont know why im telling all those things i know that no body care but still.. you dont know how im feeling right now, how im wanna die how i hate myself damn i hate it.

        • says

          You are very young and I know it is hard right now… but it WILL get better.

          Teenagers can be mean.
          But you need to ignore them.

          Talk to your sister. Show her this comment of yours. She will realuze how much you are hurting.

          I am here for you. You can tell me anything!

          Please tell your sister about the girl who wants to ruin your life. Tell your classmates too.

          If you stay silent, no one will know. You NEED to SPEAK UP.

          Please reply back! I don’t know you… but I care. 🙂

      • dead says

        hey so i just wanted to let this all out, so apparently my mom hates me she wants me to die and i want to make her wish come true but i dont know how to kill myself. she said it herself “i wish god would take you right now” i mean like shes right she wants to get rid of me i want to die too. tell me how can i get it over with and die?

        • says

          I’m not going to tell you how to kill yourself. I believe that you’re here on Earth for a reason.

          You might not know what that reason is YET, but you will, one day!

          Forget what your mom says. Clearly, she has her own issues, and she should not be projecting them onto you.

          Find some support from your friends, your teachers, a counselor, … someone. Please.

          And feel free to write back. I’m here. And I’m listening.

  23. Chris says

    My pain and thoughts of ending my life come from true physical and emotional pain, I had to have a tooth pulled 6 years ago and thus began my battle with tmj. My pain began with literally chewing on my tongue constantly, jaw pain ear pain, I could not eat. I kept up my hope for years spending money we didn;’t have on splints, jaw repositioning, and ortho. During this time I have been unable to work as a nurse. My sister and mother both passed away leaving me no family. I do have a husband and 3 children the youngest doesn’t even remember me without pain. I spent more money to have mouth reconstruction we didn’t have leaving us with a mountain of debt we can’t pay and the reconstruction failed due to someones lack of planning. I now must go back into a splint who know for how long and do the reconstruction again. I have truly lost hope in ever being pain free the pain is worse now I chew on my tongue my jaw hurts constantly I bite my lip constantly I have teeth that dig into my cheeks when I eat. I don’t have any hope for the future I homeschool my 2 youngest and we are getting behind. I feel like everything is my fault. The pain the depression the no hope the debt their education I am a burden to my family I take no pleasure in anything I have no money to fix my pain or my debt I can’t work the pain is worse every day I had so many plans for next year thought I would be fixed and now there is no hope and I wish I was gone so I wouldn’t make anyone else suffer either

      • Christy says

        I have he doesn’t know what to do for me he says it will all work out but I know our savings are depleted I can’t work to help with the bills. I am now concentrating on a good Christmas for my kids as it will most likely be my last. I have no family to help out and Noone understands the physical pain I am in as they can’t see it I am a strong person I have made it thru many things rape molestation drugs losing my sister mom and dad (he was no great loss) homelessness being shot in the face reform school and on and on I want no pity I want the pain to go away but my specialist has turned a blind eye after many years and more money I t urned out to be a fantastic nurse for the last 28 years but now I can’t do that anymore I fear my depression is affecting my children and it sickens me to see that happen I just want to live with less pain I guess I just need someone to talk to been to therapists they don’t help been hru many over the years thanks Lorraine for listening u are a great help

        • says

          Christy, I don’t know how much help I have been (or am being), but I am listening.

          Pain is hard to deal with, especially chronic pain.

          What you need to do is explore alternative methods of dealing with this, such as, perhaps, an acupuncture therapist or homeopathic remedies.

          Honestly, I don’t know what to tell you except that your children need you!!!

          Do you think they’re going to be “ok” with you if you wrote them a letter and explained WHY you chose to kill yourself? NO. THEY WON’T BE.


          Think about things from their point of view.

          Be glad you’re not a Cancer patient suffering through chemo… or stem cell transplants that nearly kill you. (My four-year-old niece was born with cancer in her eyes. So far she has been through all of this and more… and lost one eye about 16 months ago.)

          Life is NOT fair. I know it sucks. I hear you, girl. And I sympathize.

          I wish I had easy answers for you. I wish I could take away your pain.

          I wish you’d think about life through they eyes of your precious children.

          Please keep seeking a solution. Use my suggestions. Try.



          You can do it. I know you can. You’re stronger than you think.


      • Mia says

        Hello, I’m mia…I came to your web site because I’m very sad….And I’m 11. I hate my life because everyone never listens to my pain, I was touch when I was 7, I cyber bully when I was 10. And I’m getting bullyed. My dad lelt were broken and I have NO friends. So, I tried to kill myself over a week ago… I could never let my pain out…because no one cares or listens…. So I needed help so I came here…..

  24. Ashley says

    Hi, Lorraine. I have also struggled with suicidal thoughts even so far as to try and kill myself. It was actually about a month ago. My experience was similar to yours in the way of pills. I threw it up and was somehow fine the next day. Like many others here, I endured a trauma that creates flashbacks I just can’t shake. Since this is kind of annonymous, I think I would like to share. When I was young (I remember as early as 5 or 6) my older sibling began molesting me. It lasted up until I was in 7th grade. I felt so powerless. Also my father died, leaving my mom with four kids and financially unstable. Her next husband was financially, emotionally, and physically abusive. I have endured abuse so long in my life that it is all I really know how to respond to. I am 20 now and live with one of my friends from high school. She says she only lives with me because I pay half the rent. My family only talks to me when they want something from me. I work all the time just to make ends meet. I am in college for Journalism, but it just doesn’t seem worth it. More often than not I just cry myslef to sleep and hope tomorrow will be better. I know I suffer from mental health issues, I must right? I just feel so alone. I have no religious faith, as I never saw a point. My sibling that I still see regularly is a constant reminder of what I endured. I never told, and don’t think I ever could. It would crush my Mother. I am honestly at my wits end. I know if I could just start over in a new place where no one knew my name I would be happier, but I am a working full time college student. I realize I have more than some, and I recognize my privilege, but I unfortunately can’t escape my own memories and thoughts. I can’t seem to find a purpose to go on. I did relate to your story, though, and thank you for sharing it. I have an inner wish to help others but at the same time how can I when I can’t even help myself? I just feel trapped here.

    • says

      Ashley, you need to tell your mom.
      And you need to see a counselor. You have to deal with all this shit before it ruins you forever.

      Also try using the books called THE COURAGE TO HEAL. They are a two books, a textbook and a workbook. They helped me. My counselor suggested I buy them, and so I did. I worked through them both on my own and with her.

      They helped.

      Running away is not going to solve your problems, because I tried that too. The problem with running away is that your mind goes with you. You cannot outrun your thoughts or memories!

      Please have a serious talk with your mom. Perhaps write her a letter, give it to her, and give her some time to absorb the news.

      Your family needs to deal with this. Most of all, you.

      Please let me know how things go! I’m always here, too, so feel free to reply. 🙂

  25. Dead says

    Hello World, I’m always feeling lonely and have turned to dating and pornography as a solution which isn’t working, I’ve got a family who do nothing but yell all the time. I watched my younger sister getting raped at age 8 now I’m 18 but my now “single mom” frustrates my life to the core, I can’t even do what I love doing best which is developing computer programs and apps. I’ve done impressive things in tech, like the award I won for becoming the youngest developer in my country but all these things don’t move her and I feel demoralized emotionally because I feel Bill had his mom’s support and now he’s a great man, the richest man!
    But I’m getting none of her support plus the rape scene that’s stuck on replay in my head like some popular YouTube video.

    Okay World, it’s time to go now… This is difficult to do but I must die today at least I’d probably get better parents in (Whatever exists after death)… Dear Lorraine, please don’t bother to reply, I’d have been long gone already.

  26. Noah says

    I’m looking for a sign. I want a reason to live besides living to be. As far back as I can possibly remember I’ve felt wrong, I feel like I don’t have what other people do, I don’t feel whole and it hurts to feel that I’m not like other people, I feel empty. When I was 4 I was raped by an older friend that I had. I’ve spent almost 15 years since telling nobody, I became progressively more and more distant since then, I never got to enjoy growing up because the thought of it would always pop in my head the moment I’d be happy, I couldn’t possibly tell anyone ever, even though that’s all I wanted to do, I’m to scared. When I lay in bed every night it eats at my soul and my mind. It makes me crazy from the minute I wake up to the moment I go to sleep again. I had terrible anxiety as a kid because of these thoughts and I could do nothing. By the time I was in middle school I had made one really good friend and they probably don’t know this but they’re the reason I made it through those years, they introduced me to new people, helped me get out and have fun, they distracted. My friend even introduced me to my first girlfriend, I’m truly grateful for what they did because if not I wouldn’t be here. But around this time I started to run in to trouble with my stress, helpful as my friend had been, I started to have terrible headaches and my stomach hurt like I couldn’t believe. I visited doctor after doctor, driving my mom at points to insanity when nobody could tell us why, and it only got worse.I started bleeding when I went to the bathroom and this happens fairly often, maybe 6-7 times in a month, but same answer from the doctors, “we have no idea”. After I left to go to high school I would start waking up in the mornings and feel like I had the flu, everything would hurt, I’d throw up, have diarrhea, and I could hardly sleep anymore. I’ve become an insomniac and I’m lucky for a decent nights sleep now or any there of. So I kept going to the doctors and got the same feedback but this times tons and tons of medications which made me feel worse not better. For a time I think this made me stronger, I started to think that I have to be better because I couldn’t put this burden on others, that I need to be better, that instead I should help people. And I did that, I think I had even saved someone’s life being there for them. I couldn’t keep that up though, I ended up treating some people like garbage out of frustration, I lost all hope because the world is garbage and thought I couldn’t make a future with what I have. So I Dated, Kissed, Cheated on, and Fucked whoever I could, all the girls that thought I was a sweet boy, saying he’s so nice and kind I broke all of their hearts just to get my mind away from all the bullshit because I was couldn’t handle feeling like shit everyday, because helping people was not my answer, because I wanted to die. I had earned a nickname in school because of what I did, I was called a “Man Whore”, half of it said endearingly and half said in disgust, and when I told my mom what I was doing and how I felt wrong she said the same thing. I started to in a way repent for a while and I did none of the and so the name mostly faded away. Now sometime much later after I had stopped and taken time to think but mostly regret I saw the most beautiful person ever, she made my heart skip beats, it was like the stories I’d heard over and over, I was in love, I thought I’d been in love many times before but this was something else. And for some reason she said yes! She Liked me back, spending time with her made me feel real and alive, I felt like maybe I was gonna be okay, maybe I was wrong about being empty, that I’m not missing pieces. But It was only one sided and it seems to have been that way ever since she dumped me I’ve been consumed by the feelings of guilt and regret I’ve felt since. Because one day she took my heart ripped it apart and pissed on it, she’d said I wasn’t who she thought, that she hadn’t liked me for the last half of the relationship. I felt so used when she said that, because not even days after I was dumped it was Christmas and that’s what I looked forward to most that year, because I was going to spend it with someone Who loved me and not some family who raped my mom or my dad and his family who are alcoholics and are never present ever. And because days after Christmas she made it official with another person I knew and talked too, almost knowing right away that she had cheated on me I was devastated. I’d had so much hope. That would’ve been fine though if she hadn’t told me that I nearly ruined her life because I had almost gotten her pregnant that me being around because of that would be hell, that crushed my soul I didn’t have a will to get out of bed anymore, I tried to kill myself because I felt like dirt after that. I was lost for so long when that didn’t work I became a machine, got to school if i wasn’t shitting blood or feeling terrible, and then went home to think about my rape and how I was garbage until it started over. I’m still convinced I’ve done wrong and for some retarded reason I cant even understand I still love her. Friends in school saw how messed up I was and tried to help but I’m really empty now. I’m in college now I got here a while ago, I moved way out of state to Colorado because I wanted to get better, leave it all behind and start fresh. Literally not one person is here that I know and Its made me realize I really have nothing left to give. I’ve essentially kicked the can I’m haunted. There is still a part of me that is waiting for some hope and I can’t kill myself, that’s why I’m writing. do you have anything for me?

    • says

      Hey Noah, I am glad you reached out. I am also proud of you for moving away and starting college.

      You are off to a good start. A fresh start.

      Let it happen.

      Today IS the first day of the rest of your life!
      And your life is what you make it…

      First things first. Let the internet be your teacher. Google everything you can about your health problem with bleeding. Read everything you can and see if you can figure out what MIGHT be the issue.

      Then take that information and get to the doctor.

      Secondly, I want you to do two things.

      I want you to start using positive affirmations each day.
      (Google this too and use the examples you find to create some of your own.) Create about 10-15 you can use. Write them out. Keep them close to you. As soon as you wake up each morning, say them aloud. EACH AND EVERY ONE.

      Then Google “gratitude journal.”

      Start keeping one. Each day before you go to sleep, write down 3 things you are grateful for.

      These things can be stuff like:
      I am grateful I had enough food to eat today.
      I am greatful I have the ability to __________ .


      Can you please do these things?

      Finally, put your name on my email list (if you have not done so already) so you can get my book when it’s available.

      Reply and let me know. I am here… listening. And helping if I can. Ok?

      • Noah says

        Thanks for the quick feedback, I’ve been doing positive affirmations in a diary for a while now, so I’ll try and keep at that. Thanks for the advice on what to do about my ailments too. Thats something I’ve just accepted that it’ll be that way forever, trust me I’ve done all I can. But thank you for the word it helps me feel better

  27. Sore Eyes says

    I’m 50 years old and the mother of two boys, 14 and 12. They’re the only reason why I haven’t already done it. I suppose I have a husband who could take care of them but I know what a mom’s suicide would do to their future. I was diagnosed with rosacea, and it’s spread to my eyes. I spend every day with dry irritated eyes. Been to a dermatologist and an opthalmologist. Been taking antibiotics and a rosacea cream but I’m still experiencing discomfort. The doctors say it’s chronic and no cure so this is the new normal for me. I want my old life back. With my eyes the way they were. It seems silly but how do I live with this discomfort happily every day? I think it’s easier to just end it and be at peace. Funny thing is, I can’t even take an antidepressant because a side effect of taking the meds is dry eye. Like I need more dryness? I have been depressed before but always saw a glimmer of hope in the distance but not now. The doctors know best and they say it’s a permanent condition. All enjoyment is gone. The kids would be better off without this downer around.

    • says

      Stop feeling sorry for yourself and think of the people who have problems worse than you. Do you have cancer? Are you blind? Do you need a seeing eye dog to help you walk somewhere?

      Come on, girl. You’re more mature than that.

      Yes, I am being harsh on you. But seriously, think about your life, and decide how bad it really is. It’s not as bad as you might think.

      Furthermore, you’re simply unhappy because of your “new normal” and you need to start accepting this. Talk to someone about this, in depth.

      And for crying out loud, tell your children you love them. Daily!

      • Sore eyes says

        Wow. Ok, I’m sorry that you don’t understand. There’s a lot of nerves in the eye and resulting pain from that is not pleasant. I hope that you never experience it; if you did, you might be a little bit more understanding.

        • says

          Hey, I’m really sorry for my harsh response. I have a few blind friends, and think their problems are a bit worse than yours.
          However, I didn’t mean to discount YOUR pain!

          Please forgive me. I was heavily stressed when I replied to you and dealing with my own issues. 🙁

          That’s no excuse, but it’s the truth.

          I am so sorry to hear that this is causing you so much pain. I truly hope that your doctors can help you find a solution that you can live with! Pain sucks, whether it’s physical or emotional. Sounds like you’re having a bit of both.

          I seriously wish you the best going forward.

          Please forgive me for trying to give you some “tough love.”

          I’m sorry.

            • says

              You’re welcome. I guess I needed someone to talk to, too. Even though I didn’t do it in the right way. 🙁

              I’ve been helping and counselling others on social media lately… yet I’m in need of a bit of help myself. After all, I’m only human, and no one is perfect.

              We all have our problems, don’t we?

          • James Lu says

            Dear Lorraine. I feel like a failure in life. I have made poor choices that have ended me up in a mess. I don’t see the point of living if you are not happy or have no positive prospects. Please give me some inspirational words. Thanks.

            • says

              James, we all feel like this sometimes!

              But the good thing is that we have the power within ourselves to change our future!

              You just need to know what to do…

              Please sign up for my mailing list for my book. It will help you… once it’s available. (I’m not quite finished writing it yet! Sorry!)

              In the meantime, look (on Google) for some inspirational quotes to help you get through each day. Copy them. Put them on sticky notes around your house. (Yeah, sounds corny, but trust me, it works!)


              Can you do these two things for me?

  28. Elsa says

    Dear Lorraine: My name’s Elsa… i’m from Ukraine but im currently living in Argentina due to political issues that forced my parents to left the URSS and move to Argentina.
    Im 35 years old and im constantly thinking of putting an end to my life, since things only get worse & worse. I grew up with an abussive & violent father, and a very passive mother…. she just ignored the bad treatment i’ve been always receiving from him, psysically & emotionally. I didn’t have friends, because he used to beat me in front of the very few i had once (in secondary school) and it was such an embarrassing situation that they got shocked & stopped seeing me (they told their parents & none of them wanted their children to be close to me or my family).
    In my 20s i found out i was an adopted child… that explained the behaviour of my parents and the big age difference (my mother is 80 years old now). And i’ve spent most of my early adulthood looking after them… especially my father who got sick & spent years in bed… he became like a kid & i became a nurse, changing diappers, bathing him, feeding him, changing bedclothes once or twice a day… till he passed away due to pnemonia years laters. So, i never had a “normal” life to go out, have a little fun, make new friends… needless to say finding a partner. I’ve always been on my own. After my father’s death, i got ill & developed thyroids problems, which cause me muscular weakness and extreme fatigue (the dr is also checking if it’s fybromialgia). I spent almost 8 months of sth close to peace, because my mother treats me poorly & i don’t have money to move away. And now im going thru the same situation with my aunt who’s living with us… she’s 85 years old, had a bad surgery & im finding myself exactly in the same situation as months ago w/my father… but w/my own sickness that makes me almost impossible to lift her, bath her, change bedclothes all the time & i end up crying of helplessness. Perhaps you ask yourself what my mother does about it… well, absolutely nothing, she has her group of friends, goes out… and just yells at me when she gets home because i cry & tells me that it’s what i must do because it’s my destiny. But i don’t want this life, Lorraine. I see how everybody has already raised a family… how they have help from their families & everything becomes easier… while i’m always alone. I don’t have anyone to talk to, because i don’t have the time to go to a therapist… nor the money. My back is broken, my entire body aches, my head isnt working well… and i feel this is not life. I want to jump off the building of jump to the metro railways, because i’ve reached a point where i dont feel anything. Im the girl who looks after old ppl… who’s always alone… who never had the chance to study or to do sth with my life because i’ve always been someone else’s nurse.
    I know there are many ppl facing horrible problems out there. But i truly hate my life. It seems like the worst part of a fairy tale, but i dont see a prince charming waiting for me at the end, because im getting old, depressive, bitter… and no man is gonna find me when i spend all day at home.
    If this is my fate… my main purpose in life… i dont want it. I give it back, because no one should be this lonely & feeling like the slave to others.
    Thank you, Lorraine.

    • says

      Elsa, I kind of know how you feel.

      My mom was the one who took care of my grandfather and then my nana (my grandma on my dad’s side), for years. Both are dead now, and my mom is 70. I saw what she went through. I was often there, too. I know it’s hard.

      I am 45 now. I am also single, and work from home.
      I’ve had my fair share of health issues, too. I was in an accident where I nearly lost my leg. I also nearly died when my appendix burst and had to have emergency surgery.

      I face loneliness every day, too. I don’t go out much. I have no idea how to meet my prince charming.

      But getting back to you… maybe try online dating. I did. I met a few losers. That’s gonna happen; it’s inevitable. But give it a shot. You clearly have a computer and email, so try it. I don’t know the best sites to try in your part of the world (I am in Cananda) but check OKCupid and POF (Plenty of Fish). Search the internet for other sites to use.

      As for your aunt, she is NOT your responsibility. I know that sounds cold, because you live with her, but force your mom to help.

      Stop doing things for your aunt. Make your mom do them. Or, at least stop until your mom starts to pitch in and help.

      Then you can both share the “burden.”

      As for money, perhaps you can find some odd jobs to do in your neighbourhood.

      You’re young. 35 is NOT OLD!

      Trust me, I’m 45, now. And I am finally starting to get healthy.

      It’s never too late to change, or move.

      Save a portion of your money each month. Just do it. 10-20% of your income. At least 10.

      In a year or so, you’ll have enough to move. Life WILL get better. Your situation is temporary. Remember that.

      Please remember that!

      Life is ever-changing. And so are our situations.

      You WILL get through this. I know you will. You obviously care about others a lot!

      Start caring about yourself.

      I care about you, and I don’t even know you.

      And know that I am here… online… ready to reply to you again if you need to talk… which I know you DO.

      So please let me know you got this reply.

      And tell me if my words and suggestions and advice helped at all.

      I look forward to hearing back from you, Elsa!


      • Elsa says

        Dear Lorraine, i dont have enough words to show you how grateful i am for your words… for having taken the time to read my message & to answer back. I had tears in my eyes while reading it, because i’ve just realized there’s a precious someone who cares.
        On a dark note, my situation remains the same because i cant effectively communicate with my mother… i know she’s 80 yrs old & she’s not gonna change, it’s become harder to deal with her with time… I worked freelance as a teacher at home but it was not much and rarely consistent (i had to quit now & then because i was always looking after someone… this is the 3rd time im my aunt’s “nurse”: multiple fractures, surgeries), so she always belittles me for not having steady work (it sounds quite ironic, doesnt it?, how am i supossed to get a steady job while im left at home with a sick person or spending all day in hospital?). I try to tell her how badly she hurts me but she’s completely dismissive and gets mad at me for trying to face her. She gives me the silent treatment or acts like i just mortally wounded her until i apologize or she wants me to do something. If you ask me for the truth, she chose to adopt a child when she was getting older because she kept being told she was gonna be alone in her old age & needed someone to take care of her… and it’s not an assumption, she didnt hesitate to tell me so many times. I even told her the full extent that the whole situation have made me feel thru these long years, in order to have me hospitalized, but she refuses ofc… who else is gonna do all the hard work if im in a mental institution? Ive started to think that the mental hospital is the place where i live in & my suicidal thoughts only grow bigger…
        As for online dating, i tried a very few times, Lorraine, but as soon as ppl know all im going thru & that i cannot go out anytime, they just freak out & leave (sometimes they just left as they were waiting for me to change diapers to my father, w/a disgusting & offensive written speech about how lame i am). I brought a dog home once (yeah, more work for me, but a little love & a companion)… but my mother kept on beating him so badly that i ended up regretting it so much!, till she gave him away.
        I have nowhere to go… would it be better to face our extreme cold winter as a homeless person?… im not grateful to have an aching back, trembling legs, painful muscles due to the fibromyalgia & a deep depression… You said 35 yrs old is not old, Lorraine, but isnt it quite young to have so many things & deal w/all of them by myself? You have your beautiful son… You smile & shine… I barely have strength to speak or comb my hair… i used to be a lovely young girl & now im not better looking than a skull with clothes on. I feel like a dying light bulb, Lorraine. I dont envy anyone’s life… i just hate mine :-/ xoxo

        • says

          Elsa, I am glad you got my reply.

          I’m sorry that you are going through all you are going through.

          Let me tell you something. Life is hard for many of us. You know that.

          Yes, I have my son, and on the surface, my life seems great. But my mental anguish from dealing with all I have been through has made my daily life a living hell.

          Read this http://www.sylvianenuccio.com/rape-drugs-and-prostitution-one-bloggers-journey-to-success/

          You will learn about me a bit more.

          I don’t have answers for you right now. You’re gonna have to figure stuff out on your own, and do what is best for you.

          I’m trying to finish this book right now and it’s literally making me want to kill myself too, dealing with all my bad memories…

          It’s one of the hardest things I have done, trying to help others by being vulnerable myself.

          So I have been crying daily for weeks now.

          How about you give me some advice?

          • Elsa says

            My dear friend Lorraine. Just knowing you’re here makes my day, thanks a lot for that. Im sure it also means so much to all the others who come to you daily, bringing our small & big miseries, that you patiently read & reply. I subscribed to the list to receive that book that is making you cry a river… because YOU are a warrior to us, Lorraine, i truly admire your struggle to cope with your past & how you overcame every single moment of weakness, despite you stumbled sometimes… but you survived, you learnt & moved on… like that futuristic movie of Tom Cruise. If you haven’t seen it, time was manipulated by aliens (and no, im not high, it’s the plot 🙂 ), so every soldier who died, was brought to life again & repeat the same day over & over again… trying to make it thru as long as possible… till dying again… and repeat… and win. That’s how i could describe your life, Lorraine, because you’re here & we confide in you. Vulnerable?… if we were not sensitive enough we ‘d all be cyborgs… or rich businessmen/women (that meant to be a joke)… i dont see it as a flaw as it sounds… and, despite you have to repeat in your memory all those bad moments from your past that make you cry, you’re unconsciously cleaning all the dirt that blinds your happiness and, once the book will be finished, you’re gonna feel lighter & you’re gonna be helping so many of us!
            That’s about the book… As for your solitude… it seems we’re not alone… it’s just a shame that we’re so far away to help each other to share some of the anguish, because even those ones who sang “Shiny happy people” also sang “Everybody hurts”, so we’re either all bipolar, or life was meant to be like a rollercoaster… and we’re here to give our hand to others, especially in the dark… thats the best way to survive. You have my hand… even when im rushing to look after my aunt, but you’re in my thoughts… you count on our love & support, despite we’re not located in the same place. I guess… no, im sure, that MUST help.
            Im gonna take your advice and take care of myself a little bit… you promise me you’re gonna do the same, because we also care… and your past doesnt define your present… it hit you hard but you kept rising… you’re here… you share your wisdom with us… you’re gonna go thru all this stage and, like in the movie, you’re gonna win and answer to me… because i’ll probably be here, looking after my aunt… always wishing you well. Lots of love, Lorraine.

            • says


              I’m so happy to hear your kind words. Believe it or not, they have given me strength!

              See, we are here FOR EACH OTHER.

              In fact, here is something I want you to read:

              Our human bond connects us, even if our cultures separate us.
              We all have issues. Our problems might be different, but our ensuing feelings are the same.
              We all bleed red. We all feel emotions. We all want to be happy.
              And we all should always be there for each other… regardless of time or distance.

              — some words from the book I am currently writing. 🙂

              • Elsa says

                Amazing words, Lorraine! I’m so proud of you! And you’re right, we are here to help each other since we are always connected to others. Once i watched a movie…and I’ve never forgotten a quote that said: we are only a few, we are also poor…but, when as long as we remain together, we can conquer any empire. I send you light and love… Looking forward to read your book, my dear friend. Hugs and all my support across the ocean?

                • says

                  Elsa, thanks so much for the hugs and support!

                  I’m trying, I am. I am really trying…

                  I hope you are, too.

                  It’s great to see an email from you, by the way. 🙂 Let’s continue this chat! Tell me how things are going for you! Any better?

  29. TKDonuts says

    I’m 14 right now and I thought about killing myself a couple of times before when I was maybe 12. I didn’t go through it because I started to think about my friends and family. Now, just thinking about them doesn’t work. For the past year, I’ve been depressed. I don’t know what changed. But since I’m going into high school, I’ve been nervous and anxiety was getting to me. Throughout my life, I knew I was selfish. I wanted things to go my way. I feel bad at the same time spending a lot of money, but as the youngest of the family, my siblings went through this so my mom said it was fine. But recently my brother signed a lease for a home and my mom forced my sister to go because he was a mess, but then my mom forced me to go and I was sad and angry at the same time I started to pout. I kept on pouting until I was starting to put my shoes on. My mom wanted to talk to me and then she just started yelling at me saying that I should go with my brother and be nice. After our little session, I went outside and saw my siblings driving off without me. I went back home and my mom told me to come in and close the door. She started to yell at me saying how I’m selfish and I don’t think about other people’s feelings. And that we could go shopping for my school stuff and jeans some other time. I do. I always do. And yea I know I’m selfish. I didnt care when we go shopping. I was going to talk back to my mom saying, “You’re the one who forced me and my sister to go when we didn’t want to. So that pissed me off and yea i was acting like a brat. I don’t think about people’s feelings? Maybe you should start,” but I didnt. Why? Cause I knew I was going to be in big trouble. But that conversation increased my anger and depression even more and wanted to kill myself. I went to my room and I started thinking. I knew people were going to be sad, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to end my life. I wanted to die. I still do, but I don’t know what to do.

    • says

      I understand what you’re going through. And I REALLY think you need to talk to your mom about ALL OF THIS STUFF.

      I also know it’s too difficult to talk to her outright… so I think you should write her a letter.
      Then, when you give it to her, tell her you have something really important to tell her, but that you don’t want to fight. Tell her you need to her to read it, react calmly to it, and that you want to talk about things afterwards.

      She will respond more favourably to THAT approach. Trust me!

      Please do this, and let me know how it all goes, okay?

      And I’m here if you need to talk more, too.


  30. Adeel Sami says

    I really want to kill myself … I am too fed up, cornered, and out of options from my family…

    I attempted for two times in last 2 years but failed — Probably had no courage.

    But this time, I will make it happen.

  31. Anonymous says

    I’m 14 years old I have a fantastic life (I think) my mom is single and tries hard, my sister and I have both tried to kill ourselves. My dad smokes marijuana and hash, drinks all the time, he has gotten me drunk, a couple days ago I tried to kill myself with a belt, I have so many little things messing with me, My room is starting to pile up so I have no floor space at all, and I can’t find anything, and am afraid to sleep in my bed, I feel like I am a failure and if I kill myself my mom will have a a better life, sometimes I will feel like I hate myself sometimes I will feel like nothing happened, I get 8-14 hours of sleep a day, usualy stay up late (3-4 am) and wake up 2 am, I have talked to my mom but we haven’t found a solution and she is bipolar, I’m to weak to kill myself because I don’t want to, but feel like it is my only choice.

    • says

      Hey. Clean up your room. That’s your first step!

      Trust me. You’ll feel SOOOO much better once you do that.

      All the other things will improve. You’ll see.

      Just do it.

  32. david jones says

    ive been trying to find support group to talk about wats going on in my head so sad all the time feels like my heart going to explode want to crawl into a hole annd the only thing i can think of is prison i lie in bed at night and think about hurting people not kids or woman but think about pealing some1s face of i know its not normal and dont want to spend my life in jail as spent alot of time in jail anyway got same backround as most depressed people used to go to a mans house who lived on the corner beaten by my dad mum shot off and left me with drug dealers at age of 13 raised by drugs started taking em wen about 11 never thought life would be like this now i want to crawl into a hole meaning i just want to be normal ive already killed 1 person by accident and responsible for anouther i just aint got the guts to kill myself but my pension plan is life in jail as im 40 got no money was a heroin addict for 11 yrs but been clean for 3 yrs take alot of benzos i need help

    • says

      David, prison is NOT the answer!!!

      You can clean yourself up and become a productive member of society! Maybe you could do some public speaking at schools… and set the next generation straight!

      I’m proud of you for getting yourself off the heroin. That’s not an easy habit to kick, but you did it!!! Good for you!!!

      We all have things in our pasts that we’re not proud of. I was a drug addict, a gambler, and a prostitute, too. Life is not easy. But we have to make the best of our situations… regardless of what they might be.

      It sounds to me like you just need a friend. Someone you can talk to. Someone you can vent to.

      Feel free to reply to this and tell me more. I’m listening.

      In the meantime, focus on the positives (like how you overcame your addiction!!!) instead of the deaths of those two people.

      You might also consider seeing a doctor who can properly diagnose you and treat your depression.

      Let me know what you decide to do.

      You’re life is NOT over… it’s just beginning! Be positive!

      Think about what you can offer others… and how others can learn from you and your mistakes and your experiences.

  33. LABJ says

    Hi. I’m a sixteen year old taking part in the LGBT+ community. My parents are abusive and I haven’t seen my father for half a year (which doesn’t change the fact he’s still finding ways to screw me over). My childhood was spent with verbal abuse, mental and emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, sexual harassment, and rape. I’ve gotten to the age I am now and thought that the relationship I’m in now would’ve helped me stop wanting to die. Just recently, I got incredibly ill and it turned out to be the primary cold sore infection and I’m still supposed to not leave the couch. I think I got it from this paedophilic man our family knows and I had to talk to him until he left. On top of everything, now I risked giving my significant other HSV-1 as well, and I’m so afraid that they might actually get it and that it might ruin everything. We’re both depressed and I’ve been wanting to kill myself a lot more lately, and this cold sore virus is really not helping in any way, and to know I gave it to my significant other as well is something I can’t live with. I already feel like I’m a bad role model, and I feel I’m much more of a hindrance than they realise, and now all I want to do is die. Since I’m gay, I don’t get to see them as it is and now I probably won’t be able to kiss them when I do see them. I don’t want to risk ruining their life.

    I already suffer through PTSD and possible schizophrenia, as well anxiety, severe depression, and anorexia nervosa. My mother’s only form of “help” is sending me off to a mental ward or invalidating my problems by saying it’s not as bad as the problems she had when she was younger. My history with therapists is something I don’t ever want risking to repeat (my father bribed or threatened them), and I’m losing all hopes of actually being successful. I made it into a highly selective program school, but I’m afraid I’ll lose my acceptance and that I’ll continue to be bullied at this new school, as well. I can’t talk to anyone about my problems anymore because I’m either called “annoying”, “attention seeking”, “invalid”, or my father is going out of his way to make sure they can’t help.

    I’m so afraid to lose my significant other. I love them more than I ever thought was physically possible. They actually respect me, they don’t push their boundaries, they actually communicate with me, and yet I probably just completely screwed it up all because I though what was actually herpes simplex virus 1 was a simple sore throat and headache. I know it sounds dumb to be broken up so much over something so small, but it’s really just the final domino that might knock the whole thing over and I just can’t lose the only good thing that’s happened to me. I don’t want to ruin everything, and I’m afraid I have and now all that’s left for me is dying.

    • says

      Wow. You’re stressing waaaay too much!

      People get diseases. It’s part of life. They learn to deal with it.

      My sister’s second daughter was born with cancer in her eyes. She’s 4 now. When she was 3, she had one of her eyes removed. My sister has to take her to a special hospital every two months for a check-up. She has no choice BUT to deal with this.

      Having Herpes is no different. When it’s active, you refrain from sexual contact with your partner. When the cold sores go away, you can kiss, lick, suck, etc. without any worries!

      I have had a cold sore on my lip before. It’s actually more common than you might think. When I get a flare-up, I kiss NO ONE. I don’t do anything else, either… You just don’t!

      As for your other issues, the main thing to focus on is the positives in your life, like getting accepted into that school! It sounds very elite, and quite the achievement for you!

      Try talking things through with your partner. Being honest and open is the best thing you can do!!! Share your feelings, your fears, your thoughts, hopes, and dreams. Talk about your baggage. We all have it, to some extent.

      You are not alone.

      Know that.

      Your problems can be dealt with!

      Stay in touch and let me know you’re doing. Being 16 is no picnic. Being gay and 16 is even worse…

      BUT there are many positive, loving, helpful people in this world, and I am one of them! 🙂

      Hugs!!!! I hope I helped!

      • semir says

        Dear Lorraine, I appreciate your good work to help teens avoid sucides. Sucide can not be justified in any way. It’s of the devil. I believe all human beings encounter difficulties of different levels in life. The responsibility of enduring these difficulties in any way falls on ourselves. Sucide is never a solution for anything. It’s actually heartbreaking to observe many teens of these age are subject to it. Two of my friends killed themseves some years ago. And I myself have been thinking to sucide some years back. So I kind of understand what causes one to consider sucide. The absolute trigger is LONELINESS!! whatever the situation is the final gate to sucide is lonliness. You shared us your story and I am happy you overcame it. What I understood from your past is that your dozens of problems pressed you down to keep your mouth shut. And if the mouth is shut relationships starts to fade away. Finally you will be isolated from all social relationships to where only you and your problems remain. Huh!! What a peace of cake for the devil. When this happened to me I immediately started attending church. Then new people from the church start to get in to my life. The only thing we discuss was God’s word so now I cant remember how that negative thought of sucide disappeared from my mind. Now even my old relationships are fixed again. So when anybody finds a sucide thought around him his immediate reaction should be avoiding loniness. Just speak it out to somebody else. Don’t be afraid of it. Say ”i am wanting to kill my self!” Trust me you will improve. Thank you

        • says

          I am a huge advocate of talking things out! Thanks for sharing! Sorry to hear about your troubles. I’m glad you found a solution that works for you! 🙂

      • NVF says

        Life is normal. People are disappointing, but normal. The world is normal.
        & I am sick of it.
        I just wanted to share that I plan to kill myself soon.
        I am happy for the work you do. Very glad that your life has worked out for you. Please keep it up, far too many people commit suicide for the most mundane things… such a permanent solution to such temporary problems, right.
        All the best for you and family.

          • james lu says

            Hello lorraine. I have made some stupid mistakes in my life and have really let myself down. Because of mu mistakes I have no friends, no job, and I am failing my master’s. I really really hate myself and want to end my life.

  34. Naiomi says

    I need help. I know that people on here have had it WAY worse than I have, but I still want to kill myself. When I was little, about three, I was molested by my dads best friend. I’ve never told anyone. A few weeks back, in was molsested by my best friends father. I was depressed before that but that made it worse. I started drinking and smoking a lot more. My parents don’t think I have any reason to be depressed. They think I’m a hypochondriac and continue to treat me like a piece of trash. What should I do?

    • says

      Omg – talk to your parents about what happened to you!

      Get some counselling, too! You CAN get past all this… but it will take time and effort.

      • Naiomi says

        I did try to talk to them at one point, but they didn’t believe me. They said “We’re your parents, we would know of somethng like that happened to you. Hence the”I’ve never told anyone” thing. I know I probably sound like “I know it all” or “I have an answer for everything” (that’s what they always tell me) but I truly can’t talk to my parents about this. Do you have any other solutions?

        • says

          Yes, talk to your doctor and ask for a referral to speak to a psychologist.
          Or find one on your own.
          I had to talk to one to help me get over my rape(s).
          It worked.
          Another suggestion: get the Courage to Heal books – there is a workbook that goes along with the textbook and there are some excellent exercises in the workbook to do. (Writing and analyzing what happened.) I, too, used these. They were VERY helpful.

          Perhaps you can talk to a mom of one of your friends? Or a teacher? Or guidance counselor?

          Girl, you NEED to talk to someone… someone professional. Trust me on this. You need help processing things, figuring stuff out, and learning how to deal with this trauma.

          Feel free to continue talking to me here, too, and let me know how it goes.

          Just know this: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

          • Naiomi says

            Thank you so much. I’ll try and do what I can of the things that you have told me. I am so glad people like you exists in the world, and happy that I have found you. Thank you.

            • says

              Oh, you poor girl. There are a lot of NICE people in this world! I am ONLY ONE.

              Please let me know how things go.
              Out of curiosity, how old are you?

  35. Jess says

    you no when you Google ” I want to kill myself but what will happen to my son?” you have some serious issues. I want to die. I am a pretty girl, I am charismatic, likeable, and anyone who has ever known/ met me would never believe I wrote this. ” your always smiling.” im genuinely thinking ” im smiling for you” they are contagious. I had my son at 15. I have created a stable life for him and I. I have my past, and I cannot figure out why I want to die. My only reason I’m alive is my baby (10 now). I almost feel it is selfish for him to have this fake mom who is tormented daily on the inside just from brething… what have I done to myself to feel this say? What did I do to my soul? What am I teaching my baby? How did I get here?

  36. Daniel says

    Hi Lorraine,
    My name is Daniel and I could really use some help and advice from you if you can help me?! I have been diagnosed with clinical depression I’m 27 and in therapy and am on medication but I still feel suicidal a lot and wish I could just peacefully die! If you can help me I would greatly appreciate your help can I contact you through here or by phone? I’m close with my mommy should I talk and be more open with her?Thank you Daniel

  37. Banhishikha Singh says

    hey, I want to kill myself. I am 27 year old. I am not at all happy yet everything is going fine. i am doing Ph D in biotechnology, in a reputed institute, i am getting my fellowship more or less regularly. I was a kathak dancer as well as 400 meter athletics. i want to marry my boyfriend, and my parents are ready in the next year for my marriage. i am suffering from low bone density due to the deficiency of calcium and vit D. so i can not able to do any hard work, even I can not cook also. in spite of this I do my lab work properly, also attend the course work classes. but the reasons for I am depressed those are—-
    though I am so much ill, still my parents are not worried about me. I don’t like to go to beauty parlor, for make me more beautiful, nor made my hair straight. if I want to go to restaurant or to watch movie or to any good place my boyfriend does not went with me. All my other friends are stay in other state so it is not possible for me to hangout with them. I stay alone in my flat from last 3 and half year, there is no one who can fill a glass of water for me, the whole day I weight for my students, they come at the evening and they fill my water bottle from that heavy jar. in my laboratory even my guide does not like me, but she loves other fellows. she repeatedly like to torture me mentally by hiding my publications or by stealing my pen-drive or talking bad about me in my absence, some times she do bother about me but that is very less as compared to other fellows. I want to buy contact lenses but no one let me to buy though I have money. when I have money my father start spending and stops earning. and when I go to my native place the only story my father said that he does not have money and lots off bill are pending. i did not responsible for the bills, but they are responsible. I always want to do something for my parents and my sisters but they only think that i am only for earning money. loneliness is making me depressed. my boyfriend does spend time with me and he says that he has to earn lots of money to marry me so he is so busy with his business 24/7. I have money in my account but that does not make any sense to make me Happy. I really wanna die. I really want go to my late mom. I have step mom she is good she takes care about me more than my father do. my father spent money for my education. that was more or less 4.5 lac. but he used to says that he spent 16 lac for me. I love him very much but I don’t understand why he is as such. my boyfriend thinks that i am immature, that I love animals, and get excited to looking at the any animal from dog to crow everything. all these things are making me cry. since I know very well that this situation will never change, when I try to talk with the aforementioned persons it will be a big fight with them. so the only thing I can do that I have to leave this world.

    • says

      Banhishikha, perhaps you can hire someone to help you fill your water.

      If your boyfriend does not want to go out with you in public, perhaps he is not the right guy for you. Most boyfriends are PROUD to be with their woman!

      I am sorry you are having so many troubles, my dear.

      I wish I had better answers for you. Perhaps you should consider making new friends by joining a club of some sort. Find people with similar interests as you!

      Talk to your family, too. Tell them how you are feeling! They might change how they treat you.

      Good luck, sister!

  38. varshita dogra says

    I lost my mother 1.5 years back in a car accident and i belong to a very conservative indian family. My mother used to take care for everythng for me and the only thing my dad do was supply the money. Soon aftr her death he made my life miserable, he hit me, didnt give me money to live off not even enough to fulfill my everyday needs then soon aftr he wanted to remarry and wanted me to do it for him which has left me completely devastated. It may not feel like too painful but the truth is being a student here you’re too dependent, cant look aftr my own needs. I feel so dependent on a person who doesnt even care about me. I love my mother a lot and without her i really dont wanna live. Also i have a boyfrnd from 6 years and we had plans to get married but recently he’s been such a jerk to me, my most imp thing is my career and he doesnt support me or help me when i really need him. I dont know what to do.i cant break up cuz that would be a whole lot of humiliation in front of my family and i cant take that. I dont know i am tired of all this and just want to end my suffering. There is honestly no way to make things better, trustmme when i say this i’ve tried everything and nothing has helped me in makinh my missrable life any better. I’ve tried talking to my family my boyfrnd, nothing helps

  39. Ritwick kumar says

    hi i m a boy and i m living alone in the room .i think my mind is not working well. I m sleeping near about 14 hours in a day .i want to study but my mind is divert so what can i do plz tell me

  40. Cameron says

    Hi, I’m 14 and I feel I have depression but I’m not really sure. I’m a good kid, even though my parents don’t think so, and I’ve never experienced anything tragic, done drugs, or tried to kill myself. I just cry all the time and I can’t make it stop, I’m always tired and can’t participate in school events as best as I used to, and I’m just scared to think about my future since I already think about this stuff at such a young age. Every day for me is the same. I go to a small all-girls private school and never really get out much. My parents are also really hard on me, and yeah sometimes I do questionable things but just because I’m curious, but they take it as such a big deal and think I’m the most rebellious child in the world. Because of this I get my phone taken away all the time, and get other consequences like not ever being able to hang-out with friends, let’s not even talk about the subject of boys. This really disconnects me from the people I like talking to, making me sit alone in my thoughts, never really knowing what to do. Right now I’m in my sad little room thinking about what to do with my life, typing out my thoughts, though usually I write in my journal, but I just really need someone to talk to. You know I get made fun of, because of my strict parents of course, so how do you think I’d be able to tell my friends that ‘I don’t understand why I’m sad all the time’? They would think I’m crazy! It’s kind of hard to explain because my life isn’t bad, anyone would agree, but I’m the kind of person that HATES not knowing if my life will get better, or way worse than it already is. By worse I mean in my mind, because in public I do laugh and smile, because there some little things in life that make me forget about going home to my sad little room, repeating the same thing day after day. I’ve tried telling my mom about this, but she doesn’t understand at all, or maybe I just don’t really want her to? I’m not sure but I know that it could be difficult because I’m her only child and she probably doesn’t comprehend my generation whatsoever. But there was this one day, about a month ago, where I just broke down crying, telling her all the things that I never really wanted to. Yeah, she made an appointment for me to see a psychologist, but I feel like ever since that night she’s thought of me as crazy, making the weeks up until today extremely hard. Oh and I’ve also self-harmed myself twice, but the funny thing is I don’t hate myself at all. I just tell myself to do it ‘to remember the maximum extent of my sadness so I can understand my capabilities’. To anyone I would seem like a normal happy school girl, but really, I’m a mess. I understand if you don’t have much to tell me, but I’m worried that I could eventually end my life, which I really don’t want because I have big plans for my future. Just one more thing, since I have no siblings and my friends don’t like hearing my boy problems. Have you ever just really liked a guy even though you know nothing about them? I never ever hang out with guys, but I think you got that after hearing that I go to an ALL-GIRLS private school… Anyways, sometimes when I get really sad, since I don’t have the option of texting the guy I like, I often have nothing better to do but to think about him. I honestly feel that just having a relationship with someone other than my parents and friends, could really help me in being a happier person. HA HA HA I almost forgot. My parents would ever let my hang out with a guy because they’re 99% sure I’ll get myself pregnant. Yes I know I’m 14 but seriously take a look around you, all my friends have had strong relationships with guys, some even have boyfriends or ‘things’ with guys. And then theres just me, the girl with the strict parents therefore never being able to have fun. Sorry now I’m just rambling, but I think you should get the point by now. I think I just think too much, that’s my problem. I just get caught up in all these thoughts and never know what to do with them so I either turn to thinking about death, self-harming to ease my mind, or writing letters to random people and expecting them to fix my incomprehensible sadness. Really all I’m asking for you to tell me is how to become a less mentally violent person, ways to calm myself down when I want to punch my parents (not to be harsh but that’s literally sometimes how I feel), and maybe even some tips to form a better relationship with my mother, that helps her understand my issue and the fact that no, I am not a child of the devil. Thanks anyways, writing this helped me calm down, at least for tonight, but still get back to me if you can!

    • says

      Hey, Cameron, I know how you feel. Being alone with your thoughts is tough, sometimes. At any age!

      Initially, I thought you should get yourself to the doctor and tell him how you have been feeling. There might be a medical issue you have that you are not aware of. Case in point: two years ago, for about a year, I was tired ALL THE TIME. And cold. I had zero energy. This lasted for so long, I didn’t know what the heck was wrong with me. I chalked it up to poor diet and no exercise. Little did I know that I actually had a medical problem. There was something wrong with how my thyroid was functioning.

      When I went to see my doctor, he did some tests and discovered this. He put me on Synthroid, a medication to treat my low thyroid. (I think the actual condition is called hypothyroidism.) Anyways, this medication takes about 8 weeks to really start working, and I had to go back to the doctor for some bloodwork to check to see if I was on the correct dosage. (Doctors always start with the minimum dosage, and then increase it if it’s not enough.) Anyways, I was on the right dosage, and began to start feeling better. But then he told me my sugars were high. This translates into: I have Diabetes.

      I was then put on medication for THAT.

      Long story short, I am now okay. I have changed my food choices and intake, and have lost some weight. I am also now moving more, exercising, walking, etc. I’m doing good.

      You might want to get yourself checked out. If you have depression (a real illness!), your doctor will be able to diagnose you. They might find something else wrong with you, I don’t know. I’m not a doctor — I can only speak about what I know from my experiences and those of my friends…

      As for liking a boy? LOL Been there, done that!!! 😉

      That’s part of life, girl.

      And your parents? Hm. Hot sure what to say except they love you. Trust me on that one. No matter what… you are their baby!

      I, too, find writing helpful (therapeutic), and I’m glad you were able to feel better after writing to me.

      Feel free to continue this conversation! I’m here for ya!

  41. Tommy says

    I’ve thought about killing myself because i hurt my back last year and I’ve been depressed,stressing i almost lost my family I just cant take it anymore

    • Tommy says

      I’ve thought about killing myself because i hurt my back last year and I’ve been depressed,stressing i almost lost my family I just cant take it anymore.

  42. Alex53 says

    Hi. I am a 34 year old man from London. I finally discovered over Christmas 2015, after exploring my childhood for a few years, that I suffered many incidents of sexual abuse by strangers, on many different occasions, throughout my childhood and teenage years. I am still trying to find out if worse has happened.

    I have never had intimacy or sexual relationships in my life and am damaged inside. Until this point in time, I have been able to justify and deny the abuse that has happened to me. It is traumatic realising what I am facing now.

    I have tried to make something of myself since I left my secondary school. I am blessed with a loving family and supportive friends, but it just isn’t enough. I am doing what I can to hold onto my job, do exercise regularly and finish my creative pursuits before the date that I have set for me to kill myself arrives next year. I am trying to get counselling in the meantime, but am losing the will to find it. I am exhausted and tired.

    I feel I have just woken up from a coma that has lasted 25 years. I just want my childhood back. I want to be a cute young innocent 8 year old boy, who had problems, but was still happy. I want to be back in primary school. Even though some of this stuff happened then, worse came after. I want to kill myself and am craving death. It is the only way I can possibly become that child again. There is no other way. There is a small space for counselling to change my mind, but my dreams of death are solid. I am happy to provoke trauma in myself and am hoping I have been raped as well at some point as a child. Can’t explain why. I want my childhood back during my primary school years, and only then with me dying shortly after, and I will fight to become that young boy again. I will do anything. I have lost my childhood and I want it back. Killing myself and throwing away all I have achieved in this life seems the only way to do so. I would happily throw everything away to get back there.

    With the damage I have suffered, I can’t ever see me having a young boy myself, and living through my childhood again through him. I feel the pangs now, but have had no relationships in my life, so don’t ever see it happening. Death is the only way I may return to my childhood. I am craving that coming date I have set myself. I am numb to life now, but that date excites me.

    • marco brito says

      Sorry couldn’t find way to post regular comment. A year ago my younger brother committed suicide by jumping off of a bridge. This year my girlfriend of 5 years the girl that was supposed to be the mother to my children is leaving also. She understands how much pain my younger brother caused me so she wants to stay with me until the 1 year anniversary of his death. I feel that im forcing her to be with me bc i know and she knows that there is a strong possibility that without her I could jump also. Im about to be 30 & Ive never felt so lost. Please help

      • says

        Marco, I don’t know what to tell you. Be strong. Life goes on. And you should not dwell in the past, no matter how painful it is.

        Wish I had more answers for you, buddy.


  43. Maria says

    Hello, I am the youngest one in my family. I’ve always felt like no one respects my decisions and ideas. In fac,t my parents force me to accept their decision. I’ve always wanted to do acting but they never put me into an acting school or so, instead they have now got me forcefully admitted to nursing school. I hate it here, I hate nursing very much. I’ve told this thing to them many times, many times I’ve tried to talk about my feelings, but none of them seems to be interested. Nobody cares for me. I feel like I’m all alone. But yeah whatever it is I’ll never ever in my life commit suicide, because however it is I won’t get this life again. I know it is also a truth that presently I’m dying every second living away from my dreams but still I’ll live and wait. But I really want to know what should I do when no one is listening to me.

    • says

      Maria, I think you should quit nursing if you are so unhappy. Do something YOU want to do. That will force your family to listen to you! And you will be much, much happier.

  44. pipyrus says

    hi, im 22 and have been out of a very bad relationship for 4 months now. i dont miss him in anyway, but i’ve had to move my job, my home, everything. I dont have anyfriends, never have really. the things i used to love and inspire to do are no longer. I hate the way i look, always being told i was fat or ugly from a young age. The world revolves around other people in my family and all i seem to get is negative. my mum used to be my rock but since having to move back in with me she has been nothing short of mean. even when i was trying to stay strong after losing my best job and someone i thought loved me she would tell me to “grow up”, i ended up being on strong anti-depressants, again she would tell me to grow up about that too. my dads no better he really has never cared, same with my brother who openly admitted he didnt care about me at all.
    i’ve been moved around so much over the last few years, and i found my best job. i felt happy there.. then i had to move to the same company but the worst job.. i tend to emerse myself in things to try and shut the world out, e.g video games. even my youtube dream i try so hard on is starting to lose its glow.
    i’ve done nothing wrong but try so hard to get somewhere out of life.. and i still get knocked down when i try.. short of trying to move somewhere else (my dream being sweden) i cant even do that as i cant afford it.
    i dont even know where to turn anymore and more and more death seems like a welcome friend.

    • says

      Hey, talk to your mom. Tell her what’s going on.

      And remember, nothing gets solved by saying nothing. Your mom’s not a mind-reader… and neither are your friends.

      Open up.
      Talk, and let things improve!

  45. Brodie says

    Hi I’m 22 and I have thoughts of suicide. I just got out of a 3 year stint in the army. I have really nothing on the horizon. I cant find happiness anywhere, I get hatful and jealous of my friends who are happy. I have an immense amount of self loathing because I wish I could be happy for them but every time they tell my about one of their successes it makes me hate them more and it makes me hate myself more. I see no way out. I have been cutting myself for the last year and its gotten really bad lately. Anyway I just wanted to write it down.

  46. Racriry says

    Hi. Im a older woman whos been trying to forget everything to keep goung with my miserable life. But life itself keeps showing me that i dont deserve to be alive. I was rape when i was 2 years old sruff like this cant be forget easily. And my mom confirmed it that was my age when i asked about a certain stuff. Then when i was 8 my mom left us my little sister by then 6 and my father. My father havecto work early so we gavecto get everyday at 4am to be left at his sister house until school open. My aunt husband rape me everyday and my aunt make me clean the house and do the dishes if I want some breakfast for my sirter and me. That usually was a piece of bread with a cup of water. That stop when my farher decide that were to grown up enough to take care of ourself. I was 9. I have to cook, clean thec house, do the laundry.. Just like good housewife. Then my aunt’s son rape too. And got me pregnant. Whe i find out i confronted him, he sd was ok that will take me to a doctor to take care of me and the baby. He drug me cause and i just remember seen a man talking to him a lady came and grave me and begging to take my clothes off, i was not able to move by myself. When I wake up i was on my bed with a excruciating pain in my lower stomach. He took the baby out. Of me. I try to commit suicide just like you. 30 diazepam with clorox. One friend of my find me and call for help. They sd I had my stomach pump. And i was out for a week. I almost make it if wasent cause of a friend. Then i jump infront os a moving truck but the driver manipulated no to hit me. I slice my Ritz. And am fricking here. Its like a punishment. I. Fall in love. Got pregnant and my son its special. I feel guilty about it. The father left me since found out. I was pregnant. I moved away with my son. Got pregnant again with a man that layer find out was married. Never been married and for more that i try to do the righ thing its like cant be good for me. I graduate from university wirh honer. But never been able to get a decent. Job. I dont have friends. Everyday my life its the same rutine. Get up., get the kid ready. Go to work. Came back to cook clean and take care of the kids. Get them on bed by whe i finish its 12pm and gave to get up a 4 to have the time to get everything done. My father move with me to help. But its worst. Hes sick as well. And lately ges been forcing me to kiss him in the mouse. Im 40 years i dont like that. Last night while im doung the laudry he push me toward the wall and try to touch and kiss my breast. I cant feel more hopeples cause I dont know what to do…. Im thinking on my sons. They just have me… But what about me..??? Im draine phisical, emotionally and mentally. I just want to die. That may be my peace… Dont you think?

    • says

      First of all, get rid of your father. He should not be doing sexual things to you!

      Call the police and have him arrested for sexual misconduct.

      Then, when he’s with the police, pack his things. Change your locks. DO NOT let him into your house again.

      This is the first step. Let me know when you have taken it, and we’ll continue from there.

      Your sons need you!!!

      Don’t kill yourself. Instead, find someone to talk to who can help!

  47. Grace says

    Hi. Well I want to keep this brief, the first time I wrote this was a roughly 4 paragraph cry for help life story. Not to go into it all too deep, the suicidal thoughts are destroying me. It physically hurts to write this, to simplify it like that when I just want to lay out all my issues be done with it but yeah… My dad is a really great person, and he taught brought me up in an environment where suicide isn’t, well I shouldn’t “shoot myself in the foot”. And trust me, I don’t want to. The most I’ve done is cut myself. But every day and night is just a constant struggle, a war, one that I’m holding out by distracting myself. I’m desperately sleep deprived as a result and know I will not be able to maintain this straining lifestyle into adulthood, yet I know what will happen if I don’t. I’ve tried dealing. I’ve always failed. And I just can’t deal with this anymore. I fear for when I leave my home, or my dad leaves me, I might end up where you did in your darkest times. I’ll reiterate that this is all awfully simplified, but I can’t even, I’m currently just cesspool of fear, anxiety and self loathing and today nothing even happened it was just a normal day. This has been going on for years. Again, I know this is long and messy and I apologise, just another whine for help I guess..

  48. Adit says

    Hi, nice to meet you.
    I just want to talk. My name is Aditia, I am male and my age is 29. Next August i’ll turn into 30. And I decide to end my life next August.
    I am unemployed since graduating high school. Not that I have never worked, I had. But I can’t get along, not because the job. I just feel not comfortable interacting with people.
    I ended up changing jobs frequently and in the end I was unemployed.
    I tried online business, but it has not been successful. The online world seems full fraudsters, at least that way I felt.
    I do not want to live like this anymore.
    I know my problems seem small when compared to your past. But, I really frustrating. I often punch a wall or door to feel better. These day, it seems not working anymore.

  49. Kate says

    I just kill myself I’m really tired of marital life. I hate my husband and his family.
    They’re very very bad. Very bad. In my country divorce is a abnormal act. What can be done expect dying. ??

  50. i was a happy girl says

    i just don’t know………. but i will die for sure….. i am trying my best……. i hate myself….. i hate the whole planet……
    for other people i’m the happiest person they’ve ever seen or met….. i can’t even think about hurting my family .. my friends.. i just can’t …….. but i hate myself more than i love them…….. they are all in trouble (as i think) ‘coz of me ………

    i don’t know why everything is the way it is… !! ….. my parents and friends do know about my this problem …. but now i act being happy all the time….. they know that i still feel low … i don’t feel happy all the time…. but they don’t know that i am still trying to kill myself…………. i wanna escape from all this mess………….. i hate it! i hate the way i think about my life…… i don’t want any help…. i’ll never get rid of it… there is no way out…. and i am happy that i’ll be free one day…. i’ll be free from myself…

    my loved ones ………. they will get hurt…. i know……. i know…………. but i can’t help it!… they’ll live … it’s hard for me to live here….. i really don’t know what to say! ……… i am simply and slowly saying a happy goodbye to my friends…… they know that i’ll be here .. for them……
    i’m being selfish…… but if i will live then i’ll do more mistakes…….

    ….. it’s not like i really wanna die….. i just do not wanna live as i am living now…….. no one can help me…… no one can solve this…….
    and ..today i made new mistakes …this time BIG ONEs.. … and that guilt is enough to collect my all courage to kill myself……….. i hate myself for what i did.. and what i’ll do…….. i hurt one of my friend badly.. .. .. i want a happy goodbye with her……… but it’ll not be possible i think………………

    i’m not depressed always …. i love to draw.. to sing .. to dance….. to watch every single surprise of nature!… <3 …… but i don't wanna do anything….. i don't wanna get job …. i will not do anything for sure……..
    ….. oh it feels like i'm hurting them…. my parents….. they can feel that stressful atmosphere …. .. and this thing is bothering them……… they're trying .. sometimes shouting …. nd sometimes caring more than they ever did …. it's all to save me …. i know i'm not ''mature'' to solve things easily…… but i'll never be able to do anything……because i do not want to do anything…. no one can force me………..
    …. NO ONE!

    ……. i will die :'( …… still dying every min. every sec. ………
    :'( it's just getting worse than before……….. i wannna die…..
    I D K …… I D K………….. why i'm living in this hell….. i don't need "heaven" ….. i just don't wanna live………. i will die.. it's that simple./??….
    no it's not that simple………. i can't explain what exactly i feel…… … i am not a good girl…. i hate myself… and i hate when they love me…… i need them to hate me…… so that i'll kill myself happily…..

    i am doing my best…. and it's killing me inside…. it's gonna be a silent death ……………………. i'll die ….

  51. Tonet Salcedo says

    I want to die. I don’t want to live anymore. I don’t like the life I have now. My husband died 6 years ago. We had 2 sons (9 and 11 years old). I am taking care of them since he passed away. I stopped working and I am just taking care of our kids. I am so stressed with them every day. They always fight, they have home works everyday that I need to teach them and make projects with them. My kids have bad habits like playing gadgets while eating. I cannot control them anymore. They do not listen. My life is like hell with these kids. I hate them and I hate the life I have now. I just want to leave.

    • says

      While I feel your pain, it’s important to realize that your children are in pain, too.

      Think about that, and try to understand things from their point of view.

      Talk to them, too. You’ll all heal if you do.

      Can you give that a try for now?

  52. Erin says

    Hi Lorraine I have been bullied since I was little it has be really hard for me I had no friends I have some now in year 9 but I still get bullied and I have depression and I’m very over emotional so I cry easily and I have been thinking about Suiside a lot and I don’t what to do and I hate myself and I hate the world we live in and I just can’t talk to anyone about it so I feel like I’m stuck in a corner and i just need to talk to someone about it

  53. Sarah says

    you probably don’t even still answer these but here goes it…..
    im 17 ill be 18 in 2 weeks ive suffered from severe depression for five years now ive had two suicide attempts thus far, ive tried to strangle myself with panty hose… and I had a very similar situation with pills like you, Ive always told myself that im a person that will never give up, I even proclaimed it a year ago, then I was raped, then I had my heart broken yet again, I lost the one man that never gave up on me or abandoned me the only father figure ive ever had to congestive heart failure. the year before that I had become very sick I suffered from severe migraines id wake up in mind blowing pain every single day for a year I had to take a year and half off of school. but once I got better my single goal was to graduate. But every mentor…friend…teacher… my mother , sister etc. theyre giving up on me and rightly so ive become consumed with my suicidal thoughts ive become consumed with hopelessness all I want to do is end my life at this point im a coward im afraid of hell and I feel stuck I feel lost I feel unloved and misunderstood I feel sickly and I feel different I feel that yes many people have overcome their depression but every bone in my body says that cant be me. Im tired of counselors and churches ministers and pastors im tired of crying im tired of being alone im tired of letting people down im tired of disappointing others and myself im tired of pain im tired of suffering im tired of dreaming and believing. I don’t know what to do …..

    • says

      Sarah, you feel like you’re at your wits end, don’t you?

      I can relate.

      And I’m sorry to tell you this, but there’s no magic potion that I can give you to make it all go away.

      I can direct you to some coping strategies, though. Would you be interested in that?

      If so, start with a heavy book. Preferably a phone book. Use something that is okay if you destroy it a bit.

      When you get frustrated, pick it up and throw it to the floor with all your might. Scream while doing so.

      Trust me, this works!

      Try it, and let me know if you want more coping strategies… okay?

  54. Erin says

    I have depression and Ever since I was little I have been bullied I never really had friends only people older than me but when j was in year 6 I had not friends and I started stealing other people things like and I don’t know how to think rightly because I don’t know how people can be happy in this world I got friends now I’m in year 9 but I still get made fun off I have memories that just haunt me I can never get them out of my head and I feeling sad all the time no one see I’m sad right now even I’m sitting with my friends right now and I’m to afraid to tell anyone because no one will understand I just want to die there is no hope left in the world and nothing gets better like people always say so when is it gonna get better for me

    • says

      Erin, is there someone you can talk to at your school? A guidance counsellor, perhaps?

      What about your parents? Can you talk to them OR simply tell them that you want professional help?

  55. Alyssa says

    When I was 6 I lived with my mom, she would write stuff down when I got to the age I am now(12 almost 13) I discovered them again, I found out I was abused by my father as a child. Ever since I found them I have gone into a deep depression and a deep hatred for my dad.
    I’ve moved 13 times since I started school, never actually having real friends. Which when I was in one of my previous houses, I hung out with the wrong crowd, drug users. As you would problibly expect I was a user too. Now after the drugs were in my system we moved….again. I was getting a second chance, a new begging then things went bag again, my uncle killed himself due to bath salts. I dated people who just wanted to have sex with me. Things are still bad but I won’t share them yet

    • says

      Alyssa, you need to talk to a professional listener, such as a counsellor. And your mom.

      Have you told her all of these things? If she writes stuff down, she obviously cares about you more than you know.

      Are you still doing drugs?

      What steps have you taken so far to change things?

  56. lovely says

    Hi Lorraine. I’m writing here, because obviously thoughts of suicide had brought me to your story. I am very happy that your life turned for the better. At the moment I am in a very dark place in my life. My father is very sick, my mother is taking care of him and is literally suffocating from the pain and depression that his illness has caused our family. Everything collapsed. My beautiful world of love and happiness is gone forever. And it’s like I entered hell. I am trying to help my mother, but I can’t even help myself. I am trying to be strong, but at the same time I feel that I just want this pain to end. I have a man in my life that I think doesn’t really get me and is sometimes annoyed with my depressive moods. I get that it is very hard to live with a person like me at the moment. He wants to leave me. We are having bad fights. I lost all of my friends, because they didn’t understand nor did they try to understand what I am going trough. They just wanted to go out for parties and I just needed someone to talk to and to share. But no one wanted to hear me. No one really cared. When I finally came to that realization-that I had no one to lean on and no one cared, that is when I felt absolutely lost. That is when I understood that if I didn’t have my mother I would be alone as a dog on the streets. And I won’t make it. I have these very painful episodes where all of this thoughts of loneliness are going trough my mind and I feel that I can’t breath from this pain and this fear of abandonment is causing me physical pain. And then I really start to want death. Then is when I want to kill myself desperately. I dream about it. But I am too scared to do it. I can’t even decide that for myself. It’s like my life is not in my hands anymore and I am just a toy that has been thrown here.
    Please, write me something.

    • says

      We all have our issues. Even me, even now. (My mom recently broke her arm. So now I’m taking care of her. She is 69.)

      You are stronger than you think, than you give yourself credit for.

      Focus on the positive instead of the negative, if you can. It’ll help!

  57. paradzye says

    i dont know i mean he is my first love and then 3 weeks into the relationship he told me he had a gf and that he was with her for 2 years and he didnt want to tell me!!! i wanna die i cant stand it help me i wanna die i just cant take it…

  58. Jazz says

    I’m a girl who’s separated from her family, due to some issues in the understanding. My father died 2 years ago, and I have siblings and a working mother. My mother shifted with her parents and brother. I wasn’t able to adjust, plus I had a moron ex, who was terribly after me for marrying me, since I was heir to my father’s property.

    Then I met this guy, who helped me get rid of him, and settle outside my home in the same city. He’s nice but insecure, obssessed, highly possesive, and claims that he helped me just for the sake of love. It’s been 1.5 years with him. We’ve been fighting like mad dogs, to an extent that we’ve physically hurted each other many times. He has deeply hurted me many times. I wanted to split with him, but could never do that due to fear.

    He has a phsychological problem, and has anger anxiety issues. I want to get rid of him, but can’t find any way. I’m scared of his reactions and I’m done from everything. Due to him, I have lost my interest in living anymore, I feel like dying. I feel like I’m his keep.

    • says

      Jazz, are there any battered women’s shelters where you live? If so, I HIGHLY suggest calling there and speaking to someone! Today. Yes, TODAY!!!

      They can help you and advise you on what to do next.
      And they’re amazing. They don’t judge, either.

      Give them a call!

  59. Ricky says

    Hey just wanted to ask, is it better to commit suicide by hanging or jumping off a building, I think building would be cool but I’m just wondering if 3 stories is enough? (Don’t want to survive and be a paraplegic) But if not that, then hanging. But I’d have to do it at school 😛 I’m DYING to see their faces when I do XD Just wanted to ask your opinion 🙂 And don’t start spouting nonsense about not killing myself, there is seriously no point in living, we were born to die, so why is everyone so set on living?

    Thanks 🙂

  60. Tori Payne says

    I need help. I feel like killing myself because I feel unimportant. I feel like my family hates me. I feel like everyone does. Me and my gf might get expelled for holdimg hands and hugging in the hall or at lunch. I just don’t know what to do anymore…. Please help. I feel like taking a knife to my heart or a gun to my head.

  61. Sabriel says

    Hi again. Thank you for your words of encouragement. I feel like my father raping me has negatively affected how I function and feel about others. The fact that no one believes me hurts the most. I cannot talk about it without being told that I am just seeking attention by my family. I am too scared to trust people. I do not let my daughters stay at other’s houses and I even get skeptical around their father’s family members. I had a terrible childhood because I never made friends for fear that they would find out and think I’m gross or something. My father touched me more times than I could count. He threatened to kill my mother if I told anyone. I finally got the courage to tell my half brother (who lived with a different mom) when I was 13. At the time they believed me, but after going to court and not having evidence, they thought I was seeking attention. I was removed from the home and lived with my brother while my mom was sick. I wasn’t even there for my mom when she did pass away and I feel like I should’ve been there more to support her but my father was always there. I must go I’m crying again as I relive these incidents.

    I feel like I am bipolar or something because I get mad way too easy and cannot calm down unless I smoke pot. I don’t want to be like that. I am scared that I might hurt myself, when I get mad even if I’m mad at my kids I separate myself and feel the urge to smash my head on the wall or punch the brick outside. I know I sound crazy but I feel like I need to be punished for mentally hurting my children. I have no insurance or money to see a counselor. All these reasons and more make me feel like id be better off dead. no one would have to deal with me being a bad mom.

    • says

      Sabriel, I’m not sure where you live, but I know that when I went to my family doctor, he was able to give me a referral to see someone for free. I was also given a prescription for medication from him.

      Perhaps you can do the same.

      I was diagnosed as being bipolar, too, and so went on medication for that for a while.

      It helped.

      It might help you, too. Of course, you need a proper diagnosis first!

      As far as going to court, I know how you feel, as I decided to charge my rapist, too. But he got off, because my friend got up on the stand and lied… for him. I was disappointed, to say the least.

      I am sorry you have had such a rough life and had to endure horrific experiences. My heart goes out to you. I can say that things will get better as you get older, but it takes a long time, and everyone is different.

      So I am not sure what to say at this point.

      Is your husband supportive at all? Can you try being a better mom?

  62. sammy says

    I frankly donno why i am here…what was i expecting? i like your line of been alive now for your son. I am alive today cos my mpm, the only person who cared and loved me is alive. I have earned the nickname failure and i kno it is all over. i dont think i can hold it any longer. I hatee givin. mom a heartbreak but i want to be free of all this once and for all.

    thx for sharing…i hope your words someones life at least if not mine.

  63. Courtney says

    First I would like to say that reading your story did not help me in the slightest, because this is what you need to understand: you cannot honestly tell people that you know what they are going through, and that you’ve been through it before, because you literally cannot know what someone else is feeling unless you are an mind reader, or empath perhaps? Every person in this world processes and handles situations differently, and I do not say any of this to mean that you don’t necessarily understand a bit of what others may feel or to belittle what you went through but someone who went through the exact same thing as you will not handle it in the exact same way and therefore you don’t know exactly what they are going through.

    I’ve been dealing with depression for a very long time, counseling eases it but it doesn’t help and neither does hearing others stories. I am sincerely happy for the people that do find solace in these things but it does not ring true for me.

    As for telling people to not go through with committing suicide because of the simple fact that things will get better, and you just absolutely know that it will, “trust me,” you might say, but unless we can add predicting the future to your apparent mind reading powers, that is also something you just cannot know. For some there is nothing better than making it all stop, to finally be free and have your mind and soul align in peace. I’ve waited ten years for things to get better, and physically, materialisticly and financially things have gotten better for me over the years but my mental state has actually digressed. To say that things get better you have to be aware that for some it is not any outside force that is driving you into such a deep depression that you consider taking your own life. In these cases medication is possibly the path to take towards this promise of better things, but for me, my depression and anxiety creates an overwhelming fear of going to a doctor about this. However I did finally take that step to get on medication, and without health insurance it gets a little expensive and sometimes I just can’t afford it and when I can’t I will fall back into a depression spiral and land in the same spot I was before. There are “free” clinics that will give you an appointment at a lower rate of course but you still have to pay for the medication and sometimes life just doesn’t let you have the extra finances for such things. Maybe you are not targeting those who have clinical depression or mental illnesses that cannot be helped with therapy though, and I could understand that because you are only here with hopes of inspiring and helping those you can. I do still leave this comment because I just want to be a voice heard from the other side of the tracks whose problems may be purely biological happenings of a defunct brain.

    Now, I have been through a lot in this life, so I won’t say that i haven’t had any external causes at all but even overcoming those issues will not help me. Working through those issues has alleviated it some though which is why I mention that counseling has eased it, but it doesn’t help me for the long haul. I don’t usually share my story with others though because I feel extremely guilty when I do, because no one persons problems, issues or situations they’ve been through are any more or less important or difficult than anyone else’s because our situations and problems are unique to us and our minds processing capabilities. The pain that someone feels over loosing someone close to them is no different than the pain someone feels over being laid off from a job and loosing all of their financial support because in those moments each problem is specific to that individual and to each of those people that is the worse thing that could have happened to them in that particular point in their lives.

    My point is that your article is presumptuous, and a bit pretentious and if you wish to truly help people than maybe consider offering comfort and solace without plugging yourself into it with your email course and book and telling people, “Well look at me, I’ve been through ALOT and I made it through and things are so much better so there’s no reason you can’t do it as well.” That isn’t helpful; that’s a bit demeaning.

    I mean no disrespect, and I believe you only have good intentions but I guess I’m just offering an alternative perspective to the approach in which you offer help. I do apologize if I cause you any offense.

    Now, I would like to share how my depression and borderline personality disorder affects me and makes me feel like killing myself. I struggle with this everyday. On the inside I’m in a constant turmoil, I feel apathetic and worthless. In my head there is nothing in this life for me, nothing is worth living for and I feel completely worthless. I feel like I’m not good enough for anything or anyone. I also feel guilty for having these feelings, I feel selfish and like I don’t even have the right to feel this way. I don’t understand my emotions at all, and sometimes I can’t even tell if what I’m feeling is real. Often times I feel so completely lost, alone and empty that I feel like I’m not even a real person, that I don’t exist. It’s suffocating and feels like I’m in a constant state of heartbreak. I feel like I am a horrible human being. I’m in a constant state of fearing the worst, feeling abandoned and dealing with a type of paranoid thinking that deep down I know isn’t true but knowing it isn’t true doesn’t make it feel any less real. I force myself to smile, laugh and pretend like everything is okay because people do not like depressed people. They will avoid you because you’re dragging them down, they only like upbeat happy people. My whole life is nothing but a game of pretend and I’m so tired of pretending, I’m so tired of holding it together and I’m so tired of the pain, fear and guilt that plagues my mind every single day and night. So yes, I want to kill myself because nothing sounds better to me than feeling at peace finally or possibly feeling nothing at all. it is absolutely debilitating to deal with depression and bpd. If you think you can help me by regaling me with how you made it through your depression, than I commend you for knowing what having high hopes feel like because I, my friend, am completely hopeless.

    Maybe nothing I said even makes sense, or I’ve contradicted myself a few times. I’m probably just rambling on in circles like I normally do, and maybe no one should even pay any mind to this comment at all because it probably sounds like I’m spouting off jibberish. I will say that you got one thing right; writing is therapeutic and is the one thing that does help me try to deal with all of the things trapped inside of my head.

    • says

      Courtney, you make a lot of good points, and I only just the other day added the fact that I’m writing a book and an email course so that I can help people on an ongoing basis.

      I do take some offense, however, to that I don’t know how to help others. By keeping the comments open on this post and replying to each individual person (some MULTIPLE times!), I KNOW that I am helping at least a few people. How many comments have been left so far? Hmm. Hundreds.

      As for being a mind reader? No, I’m not. But I have struggled with suicidal thoughts and feeling for years. Yes, YEARS. I even went so far as to prepare for my death. Like who would take my son, who would get my stuff, etc., etc. So don’t even think for a moment that I don’t understand the desperateness you feel. I do.

      But you’re right; I cannot understand each person’s mind and feelings ALL THE TIME.

      Yet I still want to help.

      People who are reading this obviously want help, too, otherwise they would simply kill themselves WITHOUT looking for help first.
      And they are here because they want some help.

      At the end of your comment you mentioned that writing is therapeutic, and that I GOT THAT RIGHT.

      See? What I am asserting is TRUE.

      I find writing therapeutic, too, and if you take a look at some of the lengthy comments, others do as well. Sometimes all you need is to get things off your chest in order to feel better. Sometimes just knowing someone else is out there reading what you wrote (and even responding to it!) will help, too.

      I hope that you felt a bit better after unloading to me.

      I also hope that you can find some sort of peace within yourself, at some point.

      I wish nothing but the best for anyone who reads this, and I wrote it with only the best of intentions: TO HELP OTHERS.

      Furthermore, NO ONE is paying me to write this, NO ONE is paying me for my time, and NO ONE is paying me for my desire of wanting to help others.

      These come straight from my heart, my friend.

      After years, yes YEARS, of people reading this post DAILY, I figured why not help others on a bigger level? Perhaps I can earn a few bucks at the same time, too… and so that is the reason for me writing my book. The email course was an afterthought, as I hear that some email courses are pretty popular.

      So I plan on structuring the course around the book. No one needs to buy both; they need only ONE.

      Some will need neither.

      Some might prefer both, too… who knows?

      Anyway, thanks for your comment, and for expressing your feelings. It’s people like you who aren’t afraid to speak up that will help me on my mission to continue to help others.

      Maybe you’d like to be one of my “tester readers” for my book? (Such people are called “beta readers.”) If so, do let me know!

  64. Sabriel says

    Hi lorraine, your story and the read this first thing calmed me down, but I still want to die. I too was raped by my own father, my mother died from breast cancer when I was 16. I am now 24 and I’ve been struggling to cope with depression for years. I have two kids who used to make me feel better but now I constantly yell at them and feel like they would be better off with a new mom who doesn’t yell at them. I cant help it I try to b nice but they never listen to me. I have no friends and barely any family. idk who to talk to. i have no money to see anyone professionally. idk what to do my life is full of stress. i dont get to do anything that relieves my frustration. no one believes me about my father raping me, not even the police because i have no evidence. my own family still talks to him like nothing happened. please help me idk what to do. i really feel like my children need a new mom. i can’t stop crying over it, its making me feel sick to my stomach.

    • says

      Sabriel, can you tell me in what ways the rape has impacted you? Be specific, and I’ll try to advise you on what to do… as best as I can.

      Obviously, telling you to simply let it go is not good advice… although it would certainly be the easiest! LOL

      I was raped by my grandfather, too, and it killed me inside to know that my family didn’t all know, and treated him like a king.

      Gosh, I hated that!

      As for your children? Sweetie, let me tell you that they ABSOLUTELY NEED YOU. Not someone else. NO ONE ELSE IS THEIR MOM. But you are.
      So be grateful for that bond.
      Treat them right.
      Stop yelling at them so much.
      Once you adopt a calmer disposition with them and talk to them more (like adults, too, even though they are young), they will start to respect you more, know what to expect from you, and behave better.

      Yeah, I’ve been there too, with my son.

      Do you think any of this will help?

      I look forward to hearing from you again.

      Talk soon,

  65. NISHA says

    Thank you for your advice mam. But mam my lover loves me so much he also wishes to marry me. But he says that i will not be happy if i marry him because we are not the same caste and religion and still he didn’t get a good job to manage life and he fears that his family will treat me bad. I also said him to take time but I am not able to change his negative feeling. What can I do please help….

    • says

      Nisha, I am sorry that I don’t have all the answers. Your man sounds like he doesn’t want to feel like “less of a man.”

      Religion and caste will always play an important role in relationships, but they shouldn’t, if you ask me.

      Perhaps you could try couples counselling?

  66. Nancy says

    Hello i feel lost….i don’t have any one to tell my problems…i am not very educated and i have alot of things to take care of.i can’t get work and i feel very lonely….i don’t want to suffer in this world so the only option i have in this life is to kill my self.am not afraid of pain am afraid of not having anyone in my life who will tell me everything will be okay.I don’t have sisters or brothers or parent so i think it’s okay if i let go of life.I don’t want to feel helpless again it’s sucks knowing you don’t know what to do next with your life

  67. NISHA says

    Hai, My name is Nisha. I am 23 years old. I am facing many problems in my life which i am not able to face it. Its my life. I love a guy whole heartedly. But my parents are not accepting it. As my parents didn’t accept our love now he too got a feeling that he cant keep me happy. He is telling that he still loves me but if i marry him i will not be happy with him and his family. We are of different caste and different religion and he is one year younger than me. He has arrears which he is trying to clear it and he is trying for job but he still didn’t get a job. I love my parents i want them to be happy too. I am their only daughter. I even tried to change myself for my parents happiness and marry someone else. But i was not able to do it. Because i am not able to forget the guy i loved. I wish to get married to the guy i loved with my parents acceptance. But i am not able to do it. Both are important to me equally. I don’t want to miss them in my life. I even tried to convince both but it was a failure. My heart is not accepting to get married to someone else. But when i see my mom crying for me as i am not accepting to marry a guy whom she sees for me i am not able to bear it. I am not able to accept anything that is happening in my life. If this continues i am afraid that my mom will get worse because she is emotionally weak and it is affecting her health. The guy i loved i still love him and i wish to marry him only. But he is afraid that he cant keep me happy. I have no one to help me. I tried all my ways to convince both but i failed in it. So i wish to kill myself because i am able to change myself for my parents happiness nor i am not able to marry the guy i loved. If i try to change myself and marry someone else for my parents happiness my conscience is questioning me that how can i disappoint another guy as my heart still longs for my loved one. But if i wish to marry the guy i loved i wish to marry him with my parents acceptance and i want him also to accept me whole heartedly by making him understand that i will be happy if i marry him. Please help me

    • says

      Nisha, many parents cannot accept who you marry at first. But give them time; they will come around! Eventually they will see you are happy and be happy too. Give them time!

      Marry the guy you want to, not the guy you have to.

      You deserve to be happy!

  68. Pete says

    Yours is truly an inspirational story. I’m so glad you have found joy and peace in life, as it counts for so much when you are alive to experience it. I’m glad you are happy and strong for your little boy, too. I worry that everyone else seems to get strength from a partner or child, and I have neither. But loneliness can only live a lifetime, no longer. Thank you so much for your article.

  69. Manoj Saxena says

    Hi, i cant understand why i got lot of negative thoughts about my family. There are some more problems i have lost my decision making ability. Or i make a decision turns out to be wrong every time. I am 26 male qualified mechanical engineer from India. I don’t believe in God; I am a Hindu religion follower. On my holidays I used to sleep all the day. I have developed a wierd kind of nature. I don’t expect anything from anyone neither. I care even for my parents. I guess I have lost my aim somewhere..!!!! Help!!

  70. Grant Gil octavo says

    Ah yeah ah hi I’m 14yrs old and I’ve been battling my depression since I’m was 11 so can u help me win from my depression also the cause of my depression is because I get so many misunderstanding,insults,broken hearted,and I’m seriously hurt nor abandoned,I feel like I’m invincible they say sometimes I’m crazy but truth is I’m not crazy at all I may be a Filipino but I act as a British student , I just stick to the rules that’s all tnx

    • says

      Grant, you are at a rough time in your life. Being a teenager is not easy!

      Can you talk to your parents about your feelings? And/or maybe a teacher or guidance counselor at school?

      Or another family member?

  71. says

    I’m 42 years old and I have been fighting depression since I was a teenager but I got real bad when I was about 36 I have been thinking about suicide on a daily basis now I’ve gotten help before but I’m afraid going back in to the hospital I feel that I have fell in life I have let this depression take over me I just don’t know how much more I can hold on I want to talk to someone that’s been through it

  72. n8 says

    found myself at this website, the thought of killing ones self to escape pain, its subjective to the person, each of you are different some support the proactive way and some reactive, if you feel the overwhelming thought of suicide then consider that you need to change yourself, your environment and your thinking easy right, the state your in can change you just need to find it in you to choose a path that may lead you away from the hurt and keep at it changing methods and ways till you find yourself that pursuit to happiness will mold you and when you are at that level help guide others like this person has, if you decide to die then be at peace if you choose to stay then use your life do what you want, there are no real rules in life only those we set or adhere to, its all perspective, the world can change we just need to change ourselves and believe in ourselves, you just want love to be cared about to be happy, the feeling your going through is just that a feeling tell yourself i can beat this tell yourself tomorrow is a new day, if your alone then live that life to its fullest if your unhealthy aim to be healthy, find the problem that is effecting you and look at the root of the cause, sort the root and live with the consequence, if this makes you a better person great if it makes you bad then atone for your actions……………..just live my friend your life is your life there is no model life choose wisely the ones that live get to choose as many times as they want the ones that have departed dont……………..live till your old hold on just hold on.


  73. Shannon says

    I’m 21 and I’ve been living stagnant for years. I didn’t try when I was young and now I find I don’t know how. As a preteen I very quickly gave up on trying new things, I mostly read and daydreamed my life away when I wasn’t at school. I didn’t know until recently, but I’d been suffering through an eating disorder (OSFED) but I did know that I’d been very depressed since I could remember. I was such a happy, hyper child but something changed in me when I was around eight. All my living memories have been tainted with a darkness from the inside. None of my family noticed until it was too late. Until I’d flunked out of my first year of university and came home to them practically catatonic. Not much has changed in two years. I move around, but only when I have to- when people are around. I don’t even read anymore, I just daydream my life away. I have a wonderful partner who’s been with me since high school but I think it’s only made me internalize it more- I can’t let him see just how broken I really am. And he’s already seen a lot but he still doesn’t know how I am when I’m by myself. I think, like with my eating disorder, my apathy has been my subconscious way of slowly and quietly punishing myself; like I’d just wither away eventually and noone would notice. But I didn’t- I’m still alive and the only result is that my life has passed me by. I know I’m very young but I already feel like it’s too late, like I don’t know how to live. I only know to be stagnant. My bf, my nephew, and my little sister are the only things keeping me here. I asked my bf to leave me today- over fb so he still hasn’t seen it. He needs to get out before I drag him down too, more than I have already. I don’t know how much longer I can just go on for the sake of going on. I want to just not exist.

    • says

      I know how you feel. Try getting some professional help. You might have a condition that has not been properly diagnosed, and some anti-depressants (or other meds) might help.

      Hang in there! And feel free to drop by and vent any time!

      Oh, and it is NEVER too late. EVER. Even if you were a senior, I’d tell you the same thing. Seriously, you can ALWAYS make positive changes to your life, regardless of how old you are!

      And you’ll feel better for doing so! (This I know from experience. I’m 44 now and, for the last three months, I’ve been making changes to my diet and exercise regimen. I had to; I found out that I have Diabetes.

      So, like I said, it’s never too late. (Oh and I have lost about 20 pounds so far and feel much better!!!)

  74. N says

    Hello. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so glad your suicide attempt failed, and I’m so sorry that you felt like there was nothing worth living for anymore. I know the feeling. I can honestly say that I hate myself the majority of the time. And it’s exhausting. I’ve always suffered from depression, whether extreme or mild, and always just coped the best I could. Some days I wouldn’t get out of bed. Once when I was 20 I didn’t leave my room for a week. Didn’t shower, didn’t even brush my teeth, and I think I may have eaten some snack foods. I have had trouble keeping jobs and friends because of these issues. Now, I’m a mother of a beautiful baby girl and I am married to a hardworking and loving man, yet I still feel unfulfilled. I’ve been to counseling, I’m on zoloft, I write, I play guitar, I meditate, I pray, I do so many things to try to fight this thing. And I feel like a selfish and horrible person because I still think about suicide. My baby girl, how would her life be without a mother? And knowing that suicide is the reason she didn’t have one? I’m literally tearing up right now. Right after I gave birth I struggled so much with these emotions. Like I said, I usually hate myself. I suck at time management, I have gotten myself into debt, my baby deserves so much better and so does my husband. I have asked loved ones for support and they give it, but it’s been going on for so long that I’m just ashamed of it. I’m so sick of feeling this way, and lately I have been obsessing over suicide. How would I do it? Where would I do it? How would I be sure my daughter is protected and safe? Would I actually go through with it? But overall, I keep having the thought that everyone would be so much better off without me. That my struggle needs to come to an end. That it won’t get better, that this is a shitty world overall and I’m a shitty person for bringing another life into it, and then barely having the courage to help her face it. I’m like an entitled jerk. My life is so terrible in my head, yet I have more than probably 90% of the people on this planet. I hate myself.

    • says

      Nicole, please go to see the doctor again. I think you might also have post-partum depression. Have you heard of that? Google it. Join a support group, too.

      Trust me; it’ll help!!!

      Like you said, your daughter needs you. So does the rest of your family!

  75. Ali says

    Hi again. I’m so sorry I keep bothering you! I was just wondering if you knew of a way for me to get help from or get diagnosed by a doctor without my mom finding out. I know I need help but there is no way I will be able to bring myself to tell my mom. (I am underage)

    • says

      Ali, you’re NOT bothering me. If I can help you, I will. What city do you live in? Do they have a children’s service agency of some kind? For example, CAS is one…

      Perhaps try contacting someone through a child-help agency, since you’re underage.

      That’s my best advice. Let me know how things go. Also, let them know you don’t want your parents to know about anything.

      Also, perhaps you could try contacting the police or a child-services lawyer. (Don’t be scared… they can help advise you regarding the law!) They can direct you to another professional who can help. (Sorry, off the top of my head, I cannot think of anything else at the moment.)


  76. depressed boy says

    hi im 19 and had thoughts of killing myself for a long while ive lost my job ive got a son and things just arent good at all every day an agument seems to happen people seem to push thereselves away from m (or thats how it seems) i tried to commit suicide by taking 86 pills about a year ago and it didnt work but ever since that day i wish it had as nothing has imroved im a failure of a dad a failure in a relationship and a failure at work but most of all a failure of a human being its okay ppl saying do this and do that and talk to him talk to her but what if in the end the only person you see yourself talking to is a woman on the otherside of the world whos had the same thoughts and no offence but by that point surely there is no way back? my time has come and now im gonna go…

  77. Joy says

    I’m in my late 50s …… long story of loss related to my ex partner (domestic abuse, gambling, alienated both my children successfully). I’ve always tried to remain positive and be grateful for what is going well in my life. But at my age, with compounded trauma and grief, I’m exhausted with the continued ongoing loss. It’s the circumstances that influence my strong emotions and feelings, rather it just being how I feel about it [if that makes sense]. If such loss and rejection meant nothing to me, well I wouldn’t be where I am. This isn’t about depression (which can be treated). This is about my circumstances (which cannot be medicated).

    The rejection by my kids is like a knife to my heart, they are in their late teens. My daughter even cut me out of her life for her final year at school (she found a wealthy family who took her in & I still cannot believe it happened). The final school year with nurturing her study environment, exams & end-of-school celebrations are such an important part of life. My daughter made sure to cut me out …….. she seems to have some of the character of her father ……. and I despair daily as my soon is moving in the same direction. Seems like all I do fails. I’m sick of trying anymore. I’m sure I’d fail at taking my life. Don’t talk to me about the future; I’ve always had positive hope for the future. But really the future is based on the culmination of what you’ve already experienced ……….. doesn’t look good for me.

  78. Ali says

    I think I am mostly ok for now and I would love to buy your book except I don’t want anyone to know (even my family) so I don’t think I really can. I hope you understand, sorry! I am sure it will help and inspire many others as you have helped me though and I think it is very kind of you to be doing that!

    • says

      Ali, I am glad you are feeling better. Don’t worry about buying my book. I’m not even finished it yet! LOL

      I hope things get progressively better for you, too. Keep your chin up and keep a positive attitude. And if you ever need to talk or vent, I’m always here to listen (and advise), so feel free to drop by and leave another comment when/if things get tough again.

      Take care, girl!

  79. Some Guy says

    Every morning I wake up, uncomfortable with the thoughts of what I threw away. I leave my bedroom to the stench of an apartment I just can’t be fucked to clean. If there isn’t a beer in the fridge, I’ll get on my shoes and take a trip down to the corner where they don’t even ID me anymore, even though I look only 19 or 20.

    I’ve been stuck in this pattern for so long, and the core of my soul has been changed. After day in day out of drinking and smoking myself numb, all these symptoms have emerged — I have a nervous tic, I am full of regret, I don’t leave the house, I don’t take care of myself, and I can’t get myself to do the right things…

    It’s not that I want to kill myself, I honestly think I’m doing more harm just living in hell because somehow I deserve it for all the pain I’ve caused. I wasn’t a good boyfriend, it wasn’t my fault but I see all the pain I’ve caused. Somehow I deserve this hell, and I’ve made it my duty to make my life as miserable as possible.

    I’ve given up thinking that if I hit rock bottom I’ll spring back to normalcy, reclaim my life with a valiant spirit… that spirit is dead. There is no rock bottom, you can always keep sinking.

    I wish I had someone to hold me and hug me and tell me everything will be okay, because this gets harder and harder every day.

    • says

      The first thing you need to do is get cleaned up. Shower. Clean your apartment. Do the dishes. Clean everything!!!

      The second thing you need to do is stop drinking and smoking drugs. They are part of the problem, not the solution.

      But I think you know all this…

      The final thing you need to do is to start making changes to your life. Reach out to those you’ve hurt, and apologize. Then do your best to move forward with positivity.

      Do these three things this week, and let me know how good you feel once you’ve cleaned things up (literally cleaned things up). It’s been proven that a clean environment is conducive to positivity, so I expect to hear you are in better spirits.

      Please let me know how things progress, okay?

      P.S. Here’s a hug!!! (((((HUG)))))

  80. Ali says

    Thank you so much! You are a great person and I think I really needed to hear that from a really person and not some stupid website. And thank you for taking time to even just respond to me! You are amazing and you are really changing the world and helping people! (Including me)

    • says

      Thank you so much for saying so, Ali!

      I’m happy to help. Is there anything else I can do for you?

      Also, would you be interested in purchasing a book I’m writing about helping suicidal people? I am not finished it yet, but I can let you know when I am!

  81. Ali says

    I am a freshman in highschool and I think I am suffering from depression. I think about killing myself quite frequently and would do it if I could just find a way. I have thihgr about jumping in front of a train but then think of all the people there and the driver that it would scar plus what an inconvenience it would be for the city. I am just so stressed out and can’t deal with it plus like I said before I think I might actually have depression. My family can’t afford therapy and I am not going to tell them. My parents are divorced and I live with my mom. She also stressed me out because she never does anything other than tell me what I still need to do and tell me to do my homework which I know she is just being a mom but it so does not help! School is what really stressed me out I think. I have a C in a class and I don’t even think I will be able to go to college becouase of the price and I’m not valuable enough to get any scholarships. I get to much homework so I don’t even do some of it and I don’t understand anything we are doing in history so I got a D on my first test and I am now being forced to make it up and I know even less than I did the first time around. I do cross country which is probably the only think sort of keeping me alive. I’m thinking about dying my overdosing on so.ethi g but I don’t know what and I don’t know how much I would need especially since I hate pills. I would just shoot myself but I have no way of getting my hands on a gun without tipping someone off about what I’m going to do. I am so useless and I really don’t matter. I didn’t choose to live but I at least can choose to die. I don’t know what I would do with my life if I were to keep living. I hate it so much and I don’t see the point in living. There is so much pressure with school and I would muh rather just have some job. I hate math with a burning passion and I rarely do the homework for it because my teacher gives us too much. I dread going to math class or doing the homework and I end up procrastinating which doesn’t help obviously. I am just so tired of living and being a pathetic waste of space and money and everything else. I also self harm but not in the typical way. I scratch and hit myself and choke myself for a few seconds with my hand until I start coughing. I guess sort of as a punishment. There isn’t enough time for anything in this world. I just want to be happy. I have been suicidal for at least a year I think but I don’t think it was quite to this extent before. I am just so tired all the time and no one understands really. I probably just seem like some stupid twnnager who doesn’t matter and just has some hormones flying around or something but I don’t really care how other people see me. Sorry if this is all over the place just sharing my story a little even though I am probably leaving out a lot and just being spastic but final point just that I am going to kill myself sometime and I just need to figure out how or get some help but I also can’t possibly bring myself to telling anyone I know soni just put on a fake smile and try to act and function like a normal person even when I can’t. I also very much agree with you as writing being therapeutic. I writw to get my feelings out all the time which is also why I sort of wanted to be a journalist bit I don’t really think so anymore. You don’t have to respond to this if you don’t want to so don’t let it haint you at all, just sharing my story a little. Thanks

    • says

      Oh, Ali, I feel your pain. Now, this might sound hard to believe, but I know what you’re going through. The good thing, however, when it comes to school, is that you need to remember that it’s only going to be there for a few years. In your overall life span, that’s not that long!
      And your tests are not everything. My God. They are so insignificant in the overall big picture of your life that you’re stressing yourself out over nothing!

      How do I know this? I’m 44 now. And I can STILL remember how I wanted to die after one of my university exams. (Forget high school; I quit high school four times before finally graduating from an alternative school).
      So I hear ya.

      When it comes to writing, you and I are a lot alike. Writing IS therapeutic, and I think you should write more.
      Write a letter to your mom. Tell her how you feel. Show her this comment, and the one you left for me.
      Write a letter to your future self. List all of the things you want to accomplish in this life (forget whether you think you are smart enough, talented enough, etc. — just write them as if all was ok).

      Try these exercises to open yourself up to the possibilities that exist within yourself that you DON’T EVEN KNOW ARE THERE.

      You’ll be surprised at what you’ll discover about yourself!

      Do this before you try killing yourself (by the way, don’t try killing yourself; you have too much to offer to the world!) and let me know it goes, okay?

  82. Catherine says

    I’m in so much pain. I don’t feel like I can go on any longer. I need help but I don’t know where to turn. I don’t think i can live the rest of my life with this pain. The fight is going from me now. I just want to end it all

  83. the falling one says

    my wife of six years is leaving me. she’s said she’s not been in love with me for the past few years, and the pain is just too much. I’ve tried suicide once before, and she came in and found me before i had completed it (attempted hanging…got to the point where i had just lost conciousness and apparently i started coughing enough that it alerted her to the fact that something was wrong). I’ve had a history of self harm (mostly physically attacking myself, not leaving any permanent phsyical marks, but doing damage to things around me), and haven’t done any of that, yet…but the temptation is still there. i’ve been having suicidal ideation type thoughts for a while now, and when i see a story about someone dying, i feel jealous of them that they no longer have to deal with these pains). i don’t even now if you’re still reading these comments, or if even getting a response would be helpful, but i just need to get it out there. I’ve told a couple of my very close friends that i’ve been feeling suicidal, and they’ve been very supportive of me…but i can’t burden them all of the time. and my (soon to be estranged) wife has dealt with my emotional variabilities and frailties for so long that she cant’ deal with them anymore…it’s one of the reasons she’s leaving me. i don’t know if this is just me screaming into an abyss, but sometimes…that’s all one needs. and sometimes, one just needs to know that they’re not alone, and sometimes writing it out is cathartic enough as is. I want to just delete all that i’ve entered, but i won’t, because i need to say these things and I need to leave a record of myself…even if nothing happens to me, i need this to be out there. and, if something does happen, then at least there’s a record of why i hurt.

  84. tyler-jane says

    dear Lorraine, I am only 15 years of age and I have suffered from depression for 4 years. I know I am young and I know I have my whole life ahead of me but everyday I have suicidal thoughts and no matter what I do they never go away I have cut myself numerous times and tried suicide twice but it has never worked and I don’t no weather I am happy about it or sad. what should I do?