Last Updated on: February 5th, 2018
THIS IS A ‘TRUE TALES TUESDAYS’ POST
Identifying my rapist is probably the most unconventional way of accepting an award, but somehow it makes sense for me, since part of the acceptance is to reveal seven things about myself. Because I cannot simply just say, “I was raped,” and then tell you six more things about me, I decided to shift the focus and combine my acceptance of this award with telling you some things, intimate things, about my past. This is a True Tales Tuesdays post after all!
I’ll start by letting you know that Sherri Matthews recently awarded me with the “One Lovely Blog” Award, which I have renamed (see the end of this post) as “One Smokin’ Hot Blog Award” because I just cannot see the men accepting an award with its current name. (Hey, this is the blogosphere, and we can make our own rules! Besides, these awards were created by bloggers for bloggers, and improvements never hurt anyone!)
When Sherri and I met online through Donna Jean McDunn’s blog, we both described each other as one lovely lady in our interactions, and we shared a few laughs at the fact that we are two of a kind; we are both women who have suffered in the past, we are both bloggers, and we both write poetry. According to Sherri, there are no rules for this award. Google says otherwise!
The Rules for One Lovely Blog Award (AKA the One Smokin’ Hot Blog Award):
- Thank the person who nominated you and link back to them in your post.
- Share seven possibly unknown things about yourself.
- Nominate fifteen or so bloggers you admire.
The thing I like about this award is that there is no restriction on who you can nominate. This means that bloggers who have large followings are eligible for nomination! (This is different from the Liebster Award, which is designed for newbie bloggers!)
Now that I’ve thanked Sherri, I want to tell you a few facts about me. Rather than simply list them numerically, I am going to reveal them by telling you about me and my rapist. As it turns out, I am STILL dealing with this issue. Unfortunately, I likely will be dealing with this for the rest of my life.
7+ Unknown Facts About Me and My Rapist
I tried to commit suicide at age 15, as a result of being raped when I was a virgin. I also turned to drugs (smoking pot) in my attempts to cope with this devastating event. I ended up quitting high school, too. Four times. I started looking for love in all the wrong places. I became promiscuous, thinking that guys would love me if I gave them sex. My views about sex became pretty messed up after I was raped. I didn’t tell my mom about my rape for years afterward. I wish I had. Maybe I wouldn’t be so screwed up in the head when it comes to sex and love and the difference between the two if I had. Maybe my life would have taken a different turn. However, there is no sense speculating on the coulda-woulda-shoulda. That’s not going to get me anywhere.
When I was in my early twenties, I sought counselling as a way of dealing with the after-effects of being raped. Mine were horrible, since I was raised in a fairly strict Catholic family where virginity was a gift to be saved for marriage. Because of the beliefs that were so deep-rooted in me, I had a particularly tough time dealing with my devastation. During one of my counselling sessions, my psychologist asked me if I had ever charged him. When I told her “no,” we explored that possibility. I thought it was too late to file charges, but it wasn’t. I debated on whether or not I should. Would it bring me closure? Would anything bring me closure? Filing charges was a difficult decision to make, but I DID end up bringing charges against my rapist. His name is Lorne Chabot, and he was 29 when I was 14. Since I am 42 now, he’d be about 57. I still hate him.
Hate is a strong word, and I don’t use it lightly. I actually don’t hate anyone except for him. It bothers me to even say or type his name, or look at his picture, which, I discovered, is all over the internet. Ugh. My stomach is roiling even as I type this. I honestly feel like throwing up, and it has been over twenty-eight years since the rape occurred. Will I ever get over this? I highly doubt it.
The reason this is currently at the forefront of my mind and not buried deep within me, like it usually is, is because I have been working on writing my memoirs/autobiography this month, as part of my NaNoWriMo goals.
When I was in my early twenties, I ended up having to go to court many times, and be present with my rapist in the same room with me. He opted to be tried by judge and jury. He had the woman who introduced us speak on his behalf. She was my friend once upon a time; she was the one who introduced us.
She also lied under oath.
Seeing her lie on the stand was awful. I couldn’t believe she betrayed me. Since I had no witnesses to present, I was found to be less credible than him. Can you believe that? I was outraged. Even now the thought of Debbie’s betrayal sickens me. They found my rapist “not guilty” and I was once again crushed. However, seeing him in the courtroom throughout the process of charging him and bringing him to trial did, at the time, bring me a small sense of comfort, because it was evident that he was sh***ing bricks, worried that he was going to be found guilty of the crime he committed.
I should actually say “crimes,” since I was not his only victim. I found this out by talking to others on a “chat line” a year later. I don’t know how many others brought charges against him, or even if they did, since I was not about to follow his life or his possible fate. I cannot bring myself to write his name more than once, so please forgive me for referring to him as “him” or “he” – he doesn’t deserve to have his name mentioned more than once.
He still has an ego – his Twitter handle is FOXSMART. This just goes to show how highly he thinks of himself. Personally, I don’t think he’s all that smart.
Then again, he DID get away with raping me.
I didn’t know if I was opening a can of worms by tweeting this, but I think that others should be warned about this guy. I never imagined us crossing paths on the internet, or in real life again, even though I did, a few years later, when he tried to pick me up on one of the occasions when I was prostituting myself. (How I got into prostitution is another story, but it largely resulted from my having my views of sex altered dramatically from being raped.)
I’m not sure if he even saw my tweet, but I don’t care. It wasn’t meant for him to see, but for others, so they can be warned about this guy.
This guy IS a rapist, and he knows it.
When he was raping me, I begged him to stop. I told him I was a virgin. I clearly voiced my thoughts and feelings. He didn’t care. I certainly didn’t give him any kind of consent, although I eventually stopped fighting him and prayed for him to finish. I remember crying in his bathroom afterwards, and bleeding, even though it was not my “monthly” time. I can remember the entire layout of his place. The whole ordeal is ingrained in my memory forever.
Dealing with this has been tough, but I’m trying. Still. I have mentioned my rape in past posts, most recently in my post Writing Is Therapeutic and Helped Me Cope With Being Raped. I’ve also written a poem about it. In fact, I have written several. The Quiet Rose is the more positive one.
I realize that the topic of rape is depressing, and one that probably shouldn’t be discussed when accepting an award such as the One Lovely Blog award, but what makes this blog “lovely” is the fact that I blog with an honesty that many people don’t. I put myself and my emotions out there for the world to see. Granted, I do find writing to be therapeutic, and there is a small part of me that wants to know if people actually want to know more about me, which will one day (hopefully) help me to sell my book about my life (if I ever get it finished….it’s only just started!) but mostly, I blog because I like blogging.
I think other bloggers blog for the exact same reason, which brings me to the final part of this post: my nominees.
The One Lovely Blog Award (now known as the One Smokin’ Hot Blog) is to be given to bloggers I admire.
While this list is not exhaustive, I admire these people/blogs:
Max Ivey, a blogger who is blind (yes, blind!) who blogs at Midway Marketplace
Ashley Faulkes from Mad Lemmings
Greg Narayan from Dear Blogger
Jennifer from JenUsingWords
Sue Mitchell from An Untold Story
Sherrey Meyer from Healing by Writing
Susan Cooper from Finding Our Way Now
Christy Birmingham from Poetic Parfait
Connor Rickett from Cities of the Mind
Diana Marinova and her blog
Arleen Harry and her blog, Garrett Specialties
Benny Hsu and his blog, Get Busy Living
Cubby from Reowr
Sherryl Perry from Keep Up With the Web
Toby Shoemaker from Dumbass News
Debra Yearwood from Comm Before The Storm
Becc from Take Charge Now
Lois from My Cruise Stories
* * * * * * *
I could add several more bloggers here, too. In fact, I could likely list about a hundred. However, 100 is not “15 or so” and so I will end here, with the hope that the guys I’ve nominated don’t laugh at me for nominating them for a “One Lovely Blog” award. Remember, the rules say to nominate bloggers I ADMIRE, and I do admire you guys, for different reasons. If you don’t want the One Lovely Blog Award, but want the “One Smokin’ Hot Blog Award” instead, then all you have to do is create an image/award for it, maybe using some flames coming out of the word “blog” — just don’t use a smokin’ hot woman, please! (Do I sound sexist? Sorry!)
At this point, I don’t know what else to say. I’m exhausted; emotionally wrung out. So, if you want to leave me a comment, do so. If not, that’s okay, too. I love comments, but know that talking about rape is difficult for many people, and makes them uncomfortable, so I’m not really expecting anyone to say too much. I do respond to all comments, though, and would love to hear from you.