I Want to Kill Myself – What Should I Do?

Last Updated on: July 18th, 2017

woman holding a gun contemplating suicide

Here is a list of the contents of “I Want to Kill Myself – What Should I Do?”:

  • Introductory Words
  • If You Are in Crisis
  • Some Resources for You
  • My Life Was Awful
  • How I Tried to Kill Myself (and What Happened)
  • When I Was a Teacher, These Thoughts Returned
  • I Went to Counseling to Discuss My Suicidal Thoughts and My Other Problems
  • How to Overcome Suicidal Thoughts
  • Why Do People Think about Committing Suicide?
  • 11 Things to Do When You Have Suicidal Thoughts
  • 5 Things of What NOT to Do When You Are Occupied with Negative Thoughts
  • What to Do if You Feel Helpless
  • Phone Apps to Use to Help You Seek Professional Medical Attention
  • How Do You Discuss Suicide?
  • I Have Helped a Bunch of People Already
  • Want Help?
  • Why I Am Qualified to Help YOU
  • My OTHER Article about Suicidal Thoughts
  • Suicidal Thoughts, Sickness, Health and Hope: A Personal Journey

Introductory Words

I’m not sure if you’re in crisis right now, and need immediate intervention… or if you’re just starting to have some suicidal thoughts.

But I want to help you.

I don’t want you to kill yourself.

I want to teach you to work through your problems, whatever they might be.

Solutions are out there. You just need some help finding them.

You also need to know you’re not alone! I’ve been where you are!

I even tried to kill myself once… and I will tell you about this whole experience in a minute.

For now, if you’re seriously in crisis, then call someone. Here are some international numbers (since I don’t know where you are in this world.)

And please keep reading this article, because it contains a lot of good stuff in it!


Also know that I, too, have felt the pain, depression, isolation, and any other negative feelings you’re feeling right now. And I overcame them.

So can you.

And I will teach you how.

YOU CAN READ THIS ARTICLE AND SEARCH THE WEB FOR FREE INFORMATION, OR YOU CAN SPEND A FEW DOLLARS AND IMPROVE YOUR LIFE FOREVER.

How? Read my story and use the exact same methods I used to change my life!

My story is 100% TRUE.

Bottom line? I tried to kill myself and I failed.

I also thought about killing myself for many years afterward but chose not to… because I didn’t want my son to be without a mom.

He is the only reason why I am still here today.

But the methods I use to stay positive and happy are the reason I am successful now!

From Nope to Hope books sitting on the steps

 

 

 



If You Are in Crisis 

i want to kill myself

If you’re in crisis… and if you really want to kill yourself, read this right now. Please. I’m serious. Read it NOW.

If you’re still thinking about killing yourself, that’s good – that means there’s a small part of you that has hope and wants to live despite the crap you’re going through.

The fact that you’re here is GOOD.

Please stay; I want to share my experience with you,  AND I WANT TO HELP YOU.

I wanted to kill myself, too. And I tried to when I was 15.

If you are a teenager, and you want to kill yourself, I have something to tell you. You’re brain isn’t done growing yet! It’s true! It will stop growing around age 21. Also, the feelings you’re having are totally and completely natural.

Yes, you’re normal, believe it or not! And there are tons of places that can help you. Trust me. I may not know you, but I know what I went through when I was a teen and was raped. I have also been through a ton of other stuff in my life, and I have overcome many obstacles to get where I am today.

I’ve suffered addictions to both drugs and gambling. I’ve had bad jobs. I’ve been involved in prostitution. I am a single mom. I’ve had a really rough life. BUT I OVERCAME ALL OF MY PROBLEMS! 

If you’re an adult, please know that you’re not alone. There are people who can help you. Anytime, day or night.

Just call a hotline. Here’s one.

If you don’t like that one, here’s another resource for you. In fact, nowadays, there are tons! Google search is your best friend. Try using it. Don’t be afraid.

If you’re in emotional pain and aren’t sure what to do next, then stick around and read my story.

And check out these resources, too.

Some Resources for You

50 Reasons Not to Kill Yourself

How to Cope with Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings – In Yourself & Others

Coping With Suicidal Thoughts

Anger, Depression, and Disability: Adapting to a New Reality

The Guide to Rebuilding Bridges With Your Loved Ones After Battling Addiction

Earlier Than Too Late: Stopping Stress and Suicide Among Emergency Personnel

Teens and Peer Suicide: Dangerous Potential After-Effects

After a Suicide Attempt: A Guide for Family & Friends


Left Behind After Suicide

My Life Was Awful

I don’t know what you’ve been through, but you’re not the only one who’s hurting. I’m hurting, too. You see, when I was almost fifteen, I was raped. I was a virgin at the time, too.

To top it all off, I was raised in a Catholic household where I was expected to save my virginity for marriage.

After I was raped, I also got involved with drugs and prostitution (as a way to cope with the emotional aspects of being raped)… before getting two university degrees while raising a son as a single mom. So yeah, I’ve been through A LOT.

I’m going to share my experience with you, and if you feel like it, you can share yours, too. Tell me your problems in the comments and I’ll do what I can to help. I promise.

How I Tried to Kill Myself (and What Happened)

When I was 14, I was a virgin. I had a fight with my dad one evening and ran away from home. That night, I stayed with a friend of a friend. He was 29, and he ended up raping me.

When I was raped, my world was turned upside-down. I was devastated. I didn’t know what to do or how to act. I tried pretending nothing was wrong. I was crushed beyond belief. I felt like life was not worth living, and I wanted to die.

I didn’t tell any anyone about it, either.

I was ashamed and embarrassed, and I didn’t know who to tell or what to say.

The Kid’s Help Phone line wasn’t founded until 1989, and I was raped in June of 1986. (I was 15 then. I am 45 now.)

To cope with my devastation, I did a few things. I started smoking marijuana, began drowning my sorrows by eating and escaped my feelings by sleeping more. I fell into a deep depression.

I also became promiscuous, looking for love in all the wrong places. I thought about killing myself, constantly. One day, I tried to…


I don’t remember why I had them, but I had a prescription for Tylenol 3s that contained 30 mg of codeine each. There were 30 of them. I remember these details because of the number 30.

depressed and confused guy

One night, I decided I was going to take them all, get in bed and read a book (one of my favorite activities), and drift peacefully off to death.

I got a big glass of water and swallowed three or four pills at a time, one mouthful after another, until they were gone. I may have even refilled my glass once or twice; I’m not sure. I’m in my forties now, so some tiny details are hazy.

What I do remember is climbing into bed and nestling myself under the comforter. I had a book, and I began reading. I read for a while… until the lines started to blur together.

Then I panicked.

It was happening.

I was dying, and I couldn’t even meet my death the way I wanted to; my eyes wouldn’t focus.

Somehow, I thought I’d just fall asleep and never wake up, but that wasn’t happening.

Then I started to feel sick to my stomach. I felt like puking. I got out of bed, and began heading toward the bathroom. I was going to be sick, but I couldn’t walk.

My balance was off.

I stumbled and fell into the wall several times.

My heart was racing.

This was not how it was supposed to be!

Now I was mad and worried. I didn’t know what to do next.

Fortunately, my body decided that for me. I threw up. It was gross.

I was in pain, I couldn’t see straight, and I was really sick. I felt like I was being punished all over again.

(I thought I was raped as a form of punishment for running away. Yeah, there’s a lot to my story that I am not telling you here. Sorry. The details are in my book, though!)

From NOPE to HOPE - final e-book cover with girl




I don’t really remember what happened next, but I know I was sick for a while.

When I finally stopped puking, I went to bed and slept. Oddly enough, I was fine the next day.

I made up my mind that the next time I tried killing myself, I’d do it with a gun. I want my death to be painless and quick. Since I’ve never owned a gun (and don’t want one – they terrify me), I’m still alive.

But I’ve had many suicidal thoughts over the years.

When I Was a Teacher, These Thoughts Returned

I was around 29 when I started teaching high school math and English.

I had to move to a small town to get this job. I was fresh out of university and in a two-year relationship with a guy. We had been living together, too.

But when I was hired as a teacher, my boyfriend couldn’t move with me. He had to stay in our city (Thunder Bay, Ontario) because he had visitation rights to see his son on the weekends.

And his son was more important than me. Obviously. I understood that.

So I moved to the small of Fort Frances with MY son. This was in July 1999.

We tried to make a long-distance relationship work, but we couldn’t. We broke up in April 2000.

Things went bad for me after that.

I became miserable. I was alone. No one loved me…

And I got depressed.

I was in debt at the time, too. I had student loans to pay off, and my credit card debt was piling up.

Life was not easy.

Then my son started stealing money from me. And lying about it.

He’d also take off with his friends and wouldn’t tell me where he was going.

I started to feel like a failure as a mom.

Somehow, I lived through it… and life went on. I made my new job my main focus.

But after two years of teaching, I was fed up. I was homesick all the time. (I had never lived anywhere but Thunder Bay.) I missed my friends and family. And my son continued to be bad.

Life was hard. To cope, I started gambling a lot, playing bingo.

I took cash advances off my credit cards. I didn’t know how to save money for a house… or how to save money PERIOD.

I tried to escape my problems.

It didn’t work.

My problems got worse.

I fell into a deep depression. I wanted to kill myself… again.

I ended up asking my friend and her boyfriend to help me with my son. I sent him to live with them for a year.

I thought this would help. It didn’t. I missed my son. He was all I had… other than work.

Then I began having major problems at work, too. I was assigned to teach two classes of students who had learning disabilities. I was not prepared for this. These students had a lot of behavioral issues. I did not know how to handle them.

My depression worsened.

One day, I had a breakdown at work. I was sent to the hospital and was diagnosed with major depression.

I was put on medication and ordered to take time off work.

So I did.

I eventually quit, and moved back home, to Thunder Bay.

Things didn’t get any better for a long time.

I’ll share more of my story in my book, but one thing that DID help was going to counseling.

I Went to Counseling to Discuss My Suicidal Thoughts and My Other Problems

I’ve been to counselling and it helped.

In fact, I saw a few different counsellors over the years.

One helped me to find a bit of closure.

Another helped me to cope with my addictions.

And another helped me get my problems under control.

Since then, I’ve outed my rapist.

I also found that writing helps me through my hard times. I find it very therapeutic.

I learned some other coping strategies, too.

Coping is tough, but somehow I got through my tough times, and you can, too, regardless of how much you’re struggling.

How to Overcome Suicidal Thoughts

Enjoying life is not always easy. All happy faces are not always happy. Happiness is a blessing, not everyone is blessed with it.

People who create happiness for themselves are the biggest survivalists/savers of their own lives but those who cannot do so, they lose hope to live life.

In most of the suicide cases, most of the victims are deep in pain, because of some reason or other. They are so emotionally closed that they don’t have the courage to open up to anyone easily. They keep their sufferings to themselves. They pretend to be happy in front of the whole world but deep inside their hearts, they are fighting their own battle.

In our daily life, we read, hear or watch news related to suicide or suicide attempts. Sometimes a student or a lover a farmer in a village or a couple try to end their life. But has anyone ever thought why they ended their lives, under what pressure or circumstances were they going through which provoked them to finish their lives by themselves?

If we really care, we must think about it.

Let’s have a look at some cases

A 24-year-old girl was ditched by her own boyfriend, a person who meant everything to her. Her day used to start with his morning messages and ended by listening to his voice. She loved him deeply, passionately but after a break-up, she was shattered, she surrounded herself in her own shell. After few weeks, she tried to attempt suicide because she was not able to bear the emotional pain, the emptiness in her life, and the mental stress which she was going through.

In another case, a 12-year-old girl was forced to get into the act of prostitution. She belonged to a poor family. It was her uncle who kidnapped her after trapping her into the game of giving work. He took her to the place where she was forced to satisfy her customers. She was living in an enormous guilt. After being tired of selling her own body, she attempted suicide.

A 30-year-old lady tried to attempt suicide. She was tired of the taunts for not getting married, not only the society but her own family used to torture her. She was very sensitive and after suffering so much mental torture, she got depressed and tried to kill herself.

These are few cases which show how helpless a person feels when he/she thinks of committing suicide. It seems as if all doors of hope are closed. There is no way out of their suffering and mental pressure. Those who are able to cope up with it do survive, but those who cannot hope they die. The potential of tolerating such kind of torture and pain differ from person to person. After all, we all have different capabilities. All these people who tried to finish their life were fed up of not only with themselves but also with their situations and circumstances.

The common thing in all these cases was that they all did not have a single person in their life with whom they could have shared their thoughts.

They felt so alone and depressed that the only way to escape their feelings was a suicide attempt.

Why Do People Think about Committing Suicide?

The person who is tired of his sufferings, loneliness, unfulfilled desires and expectations often thinks of giving up and ending his/her life. An individual who’s emotionally or mentally hurt, a person who is very sensitive, introverted and shy, who cannot share his/her thoughts with anyone or is in deep guilt thinks of committing suicide.

Sometimes threats and office pressure, or unavoidable situations in one’s personal life are also the main reasons for considering death. The worst part is coming in this situation to think about killing one own self, and even the worse part is to deal with this kind of thought. It seems very easy to counsel others at such time, but it is not that easy to overcome the negative thoughts running through your mind at that time.

So whenever you feel helpless or giving up, don’t lose hope. It is okay to feel depressed and think like this. Because you are a human being, it is natural to get to a certain point and want to give up. But giving up is not a remedy to get rid of your emotional or mental pain. And your death will cause pain to the people whom you are related to, as well as your friends, relative, colleagues, and other people.

Don’t think you are being crazy. You are not crazy! You are just tired of holding your pain inside you for so long… That pain which cannot be shared with anyone. That pain which nobody can feel or even imagine. That pain which is provoking you to contemplate suicide.

You are not the only one who is going through this situation; almost every person thinks at least once about death in his/her life!

At this stage, you have to stay calm. I know it is not that easy, but you have to try to keep yourself grounded before making a rash decision that you will regret. Negative thoughts are like storms. They destroy you. So it is better first to try and think positively and rationally. Is suicide the only way to solve your problem? Or is there any way to get rid of that pain which you are suffering at that moment?

It’s hard to think of anything else when you’re depressed, I know. But that’s why I am here. I want to help you open your mind to solving your problems in a different manner. I want to show that all hope is NOT lost. I want to teach you some strategies for coping.

By learning about these things, you WILL feel better. Sometimes all it takes is a person who understands you!

You’re not the only one who is facing such emotions. There are hundreds of people who are so helpless that they can’t even find a person to talk to. Luckily, you have me!

Right now, you should see yourself as the luckiest person alive, because I am going to guide you and help you through this.

Also, remember that your pain or condition is not going to last forever. If you are sad today, a light of happiness will surely touch you tomorrow. Don’t lose hope! There is always something good hidden behind every negative situation.

Once you are able to learn how to deal with your sorrows, you will be able to help others and guide them through their difficult times, too!

11 Things to Do When You Have Suicidal Thoughts

1: Call a Trusted Person

It is very important to have at least one trusted person in your life. It can be your friend, a family member, or a relative. Call that person and straightforwardly say, “I need your help. I am feeling helpless. I am not in the condition to think rationally. I feel like committing suicide.”

Talk to that person face-to-face or have a telephone conversation. It is important to burst out what is running in your mind that is making you think of the worst of your situation. Just speak, speak, and speak. Having someone to talk to will help you more than you’ll ever know!

If you can be honest and share your feelings with that person, they will help you! Tell your feelings to them and ask if how they would feel if they lost you. Stop blaming yourself for any guilt. Always think that all whatever happened to you was for your own good. You learned a lesson, and now you should move on. Never blame yourself for any kind of mistakes or traumas you endured. They are serving to make you a stronger person.

Whatever happened to you has happened for a reason. You might not think so right now, but God/Allah/whoever your higher power is has a plan for YOU.

2: Have Some Patience

If you are not able to reach the person whom you are calling, wait for his/her response. In the meanwhile, you can just take a paper and pen and start writing whatever is coming in your mind. Jot down your feelings as much as you can. Drink water to keep yourself hydrated, and try to keep yourself calm.

I can understand it will be tough to you, but you will have to do it for yourself and others too. Once you get back a response from the concerned person, talk to them and open your heart to him/her. Tell each and everything in detail as what it is provoking you for suicide. Ask for his/her opinion.

3: Cry Out Loud

Don’t suppress your emotions or keep them bottled up inside. If you are feeling like crying, then cry out loud. If you don’t want to cry in front of anyone, search for a place where nobody can see you weeping/crying.

Cry out every emotion, every single tear! This will make you feel relaxed and after this, you will be able to think exactly of what is good and what is not. This technique works very fast for recovering from severe emotional stress and depression.

4: Try to Think about Happy Moments

Try to think about all the happy moments you have had in your life. I’m sure you have had a few! Focus on those moments, and see if there is anything you can do to create new, happy memories.

Think about and cherish these happy moments of your life. Do you have any achievements, rewards, awards, or other things you can remember?

Are you having trouble recalling them? If so, contact someone who knows you well. Ask them to help you remember the good times. That person can tell you how precious you are, how important you are to them and to society as well.

5: Make a List of Things You Like as Well as of Your Good Qualities

When we give too much in any kind of relationship, we forget about ourselves. We only focus on others’ needs, their wishes, and their wants.

This doesn’t always help us, though! This doesn’t do anything for our sake. So think about your hidden abilities. Listen to your inner voice. Make a list your passions, the things you love to do, your hobbies, your favorite color, your favorite foods, your favorite clothes, your favorite perfumes/colognes, the places you like to visit again and again.

Jot down your positive habits and attributes. List the best part of your personality. Are you a caring person? Do you always try to help others? Do have skills that your friends don’t? Are you compassionate?

This technique of writing things down will definitely make you feel think good about yourself. Suicidal thoughts generally come when you start hating yourself. You don’t find yourself perfect for any situation. When you are unable to fight with others, you start fighting with your own self. This is what drags you slowly towards suicidal thoughts. But if you can focus on the positive things about yourself, you will see that you are not a bad person. You will begin to look at yourself in a more positive way. You will feel better about yourself as a result!

6: Never Think it Was Your Fault

Sometimes we meet few people who knowingly (or unknowingly) hurt us badly. That experience ruins our whole personality. We just want to curl up and die in these situations. We make a shell around us which in long term hurts us even more badly. The worst thing is we don’t know how to get rid of that memory. We cannot forget who has spoiled our lives.

I will never forget the times I was raped, or who raped me.

These types of traumas have affected us both physically and mentally, and emotionally as well. It is tough to forget those incidents! But with the help and support of our near and dear loved ones, a person can win any battle!

Whatever happened to you IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

7:  Don’t Keep Yourself Isolated or Be Alone

While going through the toughest part of life, generally people want to be left alone. But this is really not a very good practice because this habit will only make you feel more depressed. You will keep thinking only about negative aspects of life or your situation, which is not good for you. It will ruin all your creativity, happiness, talent and other positive factors of life. Keeping yourself isolated or being alone is not the remedy of any kind of problem.

Instead, try getting out of the house. Be with other people. Be social, even if you don’t want to. By being around other people, you will be able to shift your focus and mindset. You will be exposed to new conversations, new situations, and more positive actions. This will all help you to forget about your depression and your problems!

8: Don’t Lose Hope

It is not only you who is going through this phase of life. Many people around the world are in a worse condition than you. Think about them! Many people are homeless, starving, poor, and ill. Many people’s lives are worse than yours. Think about all you have, and be grateful for that!

Your suicidal thoughts are very strong, but they are not permanent. You can change them!

By reading this, you are proving that you want to change. It is up to you to make changes in your life that will help you deal with your particular situation. Think of this time in your life as only a bad phase. You will get through it! Don’t lose hope!

9: Accept the Grieving Process, Make Friends, and Seek Counseling

Most people need time to recover from trauma and loss. Did you know that there are 5 stages to the grieving process?

These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Which stage are you in? By identifying your stage, you can see where you’re at and know that your situation or feelings are not permanent. You will get through it, eventually.

One thing that will help you cope is by making new friends. This will not only keep you busy but you also come to know that not everybody is the same. In our life, everyone is dealing with their own problems.

You can also seek counselling. Sometimes it’s easier to share your problems and suicidal thoughts with trained professionals, because these people do not know you that well and will never judge you for your thoughts or situation. Instead, they can give you good suggestions of fighting it with new techniques and activities that have been medically proven to help.

10: Adopt Active Hobbies

To avoid suicidal thoughts, you need to keep yourself busy. It is necessary to involve yourself in any kind of active, physical activity. Start playing active games such as cricket, basketball, baseball, or tennis. You can also take classes in singing and dancing. If you love cooking, you can take a cooking class. You can also join fitness centers to keep yourself busy and fit. These actions will not only divert your mind but also will give you a new way to think and start a new life in the happiest way.

11: Challenge Your Brain and Play Games

You have access to the internet. (If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this!) So, download some games and play them. Use brainstorming games like puzzles, switching boxes, tic-tac-toe, Sudoku, etc., to challenge your brain. Try doing a crossword.

By doing these things, you will make yourself think about something else other than your suicidal thoughts. Eventually, by using these many techniques, you will become distracted. Your focus will be on something else, and your suicidal thoughts will no longer consume you!

5 Things of What NOT to Do When You Are Occupied with Negative Thoughts

1:  Never Think Your Problems Have No Solutions

Never think that you are always surrounded by problems which cannot be solved. Every problem has a solution. It is just that, at the time, you are not able to realize it.

If you will keep thinking about your problems, you will not be able to see the positive side of any situation. Suicidal thoughts affect your mood and consume you, and that is why they are so problematic.

By applying the strategies and techniques for overcoming these thoughts, you will be able to determine a solution to each of your problems, and you WILL become strong enough to handle things and move forward.

2: Never Keep Harmful Things at Your Place

It is better not to keep any life-threatening objects near you. Knives, razors, scissors and any types of pills should be thrown out or should be kept away from your personal reach. You can also lock these things up until you feel relaxed or normal.

3: Don’t Watch or Listen to Negative Shows or Songs

Avoid watching emotional programs or movies. This will again drag you into the same position where you were. Stop listening to emotional songs. It would be better if you opt to watch a comedy, and listen to some upbeat dance music.

4: Don’t Turn to Alcohol or Drugs to Ease Your Pain

In most of the cases of depression or negative thoughts, people lose their hope and start drinking and doing drugs to ease their pain. However, the pain subsides only momentarily, and these actions can create further problems. You might become an addict or an alcoholic! This will cause you to have more problems than you already have!

If you do decide to drink, don’t do it alone. Make it a social event. Drink with a few friends. In general, people who drink alone tend to end up feeling worse than they already feel, and are more prone to committing suicide.

5: Don’t Stay Alone

Suicidal thoughts always attack your mind when you are alone. To minimize this tendency, one should not stay alone. It would be better for you to ask your friends or a relative to stay with you.

If this is not possible, then plan some outings for yourself. Eat outside, go to a mall, and surround yourself with people. This will divert your mind from negative thoughts and will surely help you to feel better about yourself.

What to Do if You Feel Helpless

Even if you are trying very hard to cope with your situation and STILL are not able to get rid of your suicidal thoughts, call someone for help. You can contact a therapist or psychological counsellor. You can also speak to your family doctor and ask for a referral to a specialist, or even go to the emergency room at your nearest hospital.

There are various organizations all over the world that have toll-free numbers and provide counselling services. Depending on where you live, you might be able to find some local organizations that can help you through your difficult times. Many NGOs (non-governmental organizations) exist to help patients who have suicidal tendencies. Here you can get help from these numbers as well. People there will listen to you. They will not judge you. They are there to help you!

Phone Apps to Use to Help You Seek Professional Medical Attention

Nowadays there are also various mobile apps which provide you with online counselling. You just have to open the app store and download them to your smartphone.

Some of these apps are Your Dost (This app also provides counseling through its website www.yourdost.com), 7 Cups, Better Help, Counselling for Teens, and ASCA National Model (American School Counsellor Association).

Various countries, such as Argentina, India, China, America, Mexico, Philippines, Berlin, Africa, Asia, Canada, and the USA provide counseling for preventing suicide. Some of these resources include:

1 AFSP, also widely known as the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. The AFSP is an NGO dedicated to curing patients who have suicidal tendencies. They make people aware of curing and maintaining mental health.

2 American Association of Suicidology, also known as AAS. The mission of this foundation is to promote the understanding and prevention of suicide and support those who have been affected by it.

3 Behavioral Health Link, or BHL, is a 24/7 service provider. They have worked in the field of mental health for many years. Their professional and caring staff are available anytime (day or night) to help you or a loved one with a mental health crisis or a problem with drugs or alcohol. They can also help you schedule an appointment with a provider.

4 Half of Us is a website that is specific to your particular problem. Simply click on the link most appropriate to your problem to get some help.

5 The Jed Foundation helps promote emotional health and prevent suicide in young adults.

6 The Link Counselling Center is a non-profit community counseling center serving the community since 1971. The Link provides quality, affordable, confidential counselling, psychotherapy, and support groups to all ages.

7 The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is open 24/7. Their number is 1-800-273-8255.  No matter what problems you are dealing with, they want to help you find a reason to keep living.

Taken from their website:

“By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.

When you dial 1-800-273-TALK (8255), you are calling the crisis center in the Lifeline network closest to your location. After you call, you will hear a message saying you have reached the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You will hear hold music while your call is being routed. You will be helped by a skilled, trained crisis worker who will listen to your problems and will tell you about mental health services in your area. Your call is confidential and free.

If you feel you are in a crisis, whether or not you are thinking about killing yourself, please call the Lifeline. People have called us for help with substance abuse, economic worries, relationship and family problems, sexual orientation, illness, getting over abuse, depression, mental and physical illness, and even loneliness.”

8 The Samaritans provide services to people of every age, sex, culture, socioeconomic standing, religion and sexual identity. They respond to every kind of personal, emotional or health-related problem imaginable, from a bad day or a broken heart to mood disorders and mental illness to a chronic or life-threatening disease, trauma or loss. Their 24-hour crisis hotline number is (212) 673-3000.

The hotline’s anonymity and confidentiality also make it a safe point of entry if you are in distress and have not utilized support services in the past or have fears about providing your personal information.

How Do You Discuss Suicide?

Suicide is a topic that is difficult to discuss but one that warrants discussion due to its serious nature.

I was reluctant to write about my experience with this until I realized that I could potentially help someone – anyone – YOU – who may be contemplating suicide by providing some sympathy and some alternatives.

Alternatives are out there.

So are strategies you can use to stop these awful thoughts and feelings.

I share them all in my book, From NOPE to HOPE.

Deciding what to do when you are suicidal is tough.

You don’t know what to do. You don’t know who to turn to. YOU JUST WANT YOUR PAIN TO END.
You don’t necessarily want to die; you want to live a better, happier life… one worth living!

From NOPE to HOPE reveals easy-to-accomplish, actionable strategies for changing negative thoughts into positive ones AND for learning to live a happier life.

Some of these include using positive affirmations, visualization, improving your self-image, and setting goals that you can actually accomplish. These strategies (and other techniques) worked for me! I went from a suicidal mess to… a success!

In this book, I share all of these with you so that you can move forward with your life and stop feeling horrible. I also provide you with Thought and Action Exercises to do, at the end of each chapter.

YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE INTO ONE YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO LIVE!

I know, because I did it.

You can, too!

Put my methods to work for you and let me help you transform your life!

Let me help you change your life and learn to be happy!

BUY THIS BOOK NOW

 

From NOPE to HOPE - final e-book cover with girl




I’ve already helped save one life. Let me help you save yours.

I even created a chat group on Facebook where people can share their thoughts and feelings, and get support

Know that I don’t want to kill myself anymore. In fact, I like my life now. (Check out this comparison of what my life USED to be like and what it is like now.)

I’d also like to invite you to read Rape, Drugs and Prostitution — One Blogger’s Journey to Success. It might help you. You never know.

Want Help?

If you want help, REAL HELP, I can help you.

Do you want to overcome your suicidal thoughts and live a happier life?
Use my book!
It contains specific things you can do to ensure you stop having these feelings.

It also contains the advice of trained counsellors who have paid thousands of dollars for their education… knowledge which I accessed by visiting them as a patient… knowledge which helped me.

Plus, it contains four true stories from four people I know — three who had suicidal thoughts and tried to kill themselves, plus one from a guy whose sister actually DID kill herself… and the after-effect his family is suffering as a result.

BUY THIS BOOK NOW – ON SALE! (OR USE THE BUTTON BELOW AND PAY FULL PRICE!)

From NOPE to HOPE - final e-book cover with girl




Why I Am Qualified to Help YOU

I’ve attended university for 5 years. I am a teacher, and I am educated.

I am LIVING PROOF that you can change your life for the better, and go on to succeed in any endeavor! (I became an author, a blogger, an entrepreneur, a business owner, etc.)

I’ve suffered from major depression and was labeled as being bi-polar.

I’ve taken medications.

I’ve been addicted to drugs, gambling, prostitution, and more, and have OVERCOME my addictions. I now run a successful freelancing business, don’t do any of the negative things I used to do, and have found a way to lead a positive, healthier, happier life.

And now I want to help YOU.

By the Way, I’m Much Happier Now!

Here are some recent pictures of me.

Me smiling in August 2016

Me smiling in August 2016

 Me looking sexy at 45 years of age

My OTHER Article about Suicidal Thoughts

NOTE: The following was a guest post I wrote that was originally published on Take Charge Now, back in 2014. I linked to it from this article, but the site owner ended up deleting her site. I’ve added it here because it’s relevant! (Just remember that I wrote it in 2014.)

Suicidal Thoughts, Sickness, Health and Hope: A Personal Journey

Have you ever had suicidal thoughts? What did you do about them? Anything?

If you haven’t had such type of thoughts, you are lucky, unlike me. I’ve had these thoughts so many times during my life that I have lost count. I don’t have them anymore but when I did, I was consumed by them.

The only reason I never acted upon my suicidal thoughts as an adult was because I didn’t want to destroy my son’s life and leave him motherless. I am all he has; I’m a single mom.

Stress from raising him, stress from teaching, and stress from becoming a gambling addict formed forces with each other to make me want to commit suicide. Of course, my past negative experiences factored into these thoughts. I was raped when I was a teenage virgin, had my beliefs and life shattered, turned promiscuous, and eventually started living a double life, filled with prostitution and drug addiction. Yes, my life was a disaster, a complete mess, and I constantly thought about killing myself. Constantly.

To put it bluntly, I was an emotional wreck. The person who suffered most of all was my son.

When my son was a teenager, he even went so far as to have me hospitalized. I spent three weeks in the mental health ward of my local hospital. The doctors diagnosed me as being bipolar and put me on medication. This was after I had been diagnosed with severe depression and took several different antidepressants for a couple of years.

My suicidal thoughts stemmed from my loss of hope and, coupled with feelings of despair, desolation, resentment, self-hatred, and anger, I was unable to think clearly or process things logically. Self-pity, self-loathing, and major depression returned after I was in a bad accident. I nearly lost my right leg and two surgeries later, it was scarred and slightly deformed. I used gambling and drugs as an escape from reality but naturally, these actions only caused more problems.

I hit rock bottom after my son turned nineteen and moved out. He had to get away from me in order to save himself. For three years, we were separated from one another and did not speak. He refused to have anything to do with me until I cleaned up my act.

I had a bit further to sink before I started to swim, though. I danced with the white devil and smoked my money and worries away. Then, my best friend and her husband moved out of town and I was truly all alone. I had no one. No one but myself, anymore.

I was suffering financially, physically, and emotionally. I knew that suicide was not an option, even though I thought about it a lot. (I actually tried killing myself after I was raped. Obviously, it didn’t work, and I didn’t want to have to go through that again.)

I started spending more time with my parents. Gradually, I eased off the drugs – prescription and otherwise. My thinking processes improved, and I started to feel close to “normal” again. I took a trip to see my friend that had moved away. I became more responsible. I ended up drug-free. I began accepting my life and myself for who and what I was. I no longer had suicidal thoughts.

But my son, my precious baby, was still not a part of my life.

Oddly, it was during this time, when I was getting better, that I got sick. Really sick. Dying sick. Dying sick so physically painful that, ironically, I no longer wanted to die. I didn’t want to die without saying goodbye to my son, without seeing him again, without resolving our issues . . . without him. (You can read the full story on how I nearly died if you’d like to know more.)

My son’s mere existence has preserved my own on many occasions. He was always in the back of my mind each time I had suicidal thoughts. Somehow, my love for him always won out. He was my beacon, my reason for living, my son. He was what I clung to during my dark days.

I’m still owning up to the fact that I neglected him, mentally abused him, and hurt his heart. I basically treated him like sh** sometimes, but I also loved him, cared for him, and raised him with the right morals and values, too. He knows a lot about what I’ve been through during my lifetime and, today, he is back in my life once again, being my pillar of strength, my motivation, my driving force.

I still struggle with my feelings of guilt for all I’ve put him through. I don’t know that I’ll ever quit struggling.

But I no longer think of killing myself.  I am living proof that suicidal thoughts can dissipate and vanish completely.

However, I’m still not as healthy as I want to be. Emotionally, I’m scarred. Physically, I have some health issues and limitations. What’s important is that my son’s now back in my life, and I’m a lot happier!

We’ve spent the last year building a new relationship with one another. I’ve talked with him about my new hopes and dreams, which is writing a book about my life, unveiling all details.

I started sharing some of my personal stories this past year when I began my blog. I also started writing my autobiographical memoirs, and have plans for other books, including a compilation of all the letters I’ve written to my son, who claims he has forgiven me for all I’ve done in the past.

My son is a positive person who sees the good in me and looks to the future. Despite the turmoil I put him through, my son is a smart young man who turned out great. He’s muscular because he hits the gym faithfully four times a week. He eats healthy foods, doesn’t drink, smoke or do drugs, and has a big heart. I raised him right, after all, and he is my biggest achievement.

My son, Julian, with my mom, Carol, his grandma.

My son, Julian, with my mom, Carol, his grandma.

When I think of the hurt I caused him, I still cry, though.

Of course, rehashing all the negative crap I’ve had to deal with doesn’t help. (Well, it helps, sometimes!)

But we all have our problems and burdens to bear, don’t we?

What are some of yours?

Have you ever had to deal with suicidal thoughts? How did YOU cope?

Leave me a comment or two. I’m here to talk.

I want to be a friend to you. Seriously. I want to help you. I care.

If you want help, REAL HELP, buy this book.

It contains the strategies and techniques I use to CHANGE MY LIFE!

Let me teach you how to change yours!

BUY THIS BOOK NOW – ON SALE!

From NOPE to HOPE - final e-book cover with girl




 

Thanks, Lorraine Reguly (from Wording Well).

PS – Connect with me on Facebook! Let’s be friends! 

.

.

.

Images courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net, of Naypong at FreeDigitalPhotos.net, of  Master isolated images at FreeDigitalPhotos.net… and me!

513 thoughts on “I Want to Kill Myself – What Should I Do?

  1. Khalil Roman says

    Hi i am 22 years old. six years ago i loved one girl she is loving me and at this time i don’t geted my love and now i have no more hopes as this world i want to finish my life i am very tired with my life and also i have big buisness and i am living the all things plz what can i do?

    • says

      Khalil, I’m sorry to hear you are struggling and are unhappy with your current life.

      Buy my book, From Nope to Hope . Do the exercises it says to do. It WILL help you!

      I used the same strategies in MY life, and I am happy now! So please try it!

      Good luck! Let me know if there is anything else I can do for you!

  2. Dean says

    I wanna die im sick of this pathetic life i dnt see the point in life anymore im 36yrs old and all my life ive being honest treat people right work hard, and yet i get treated like trash ignored. Ive had the house all the cars bikes travelled the country infact all my life ive being moving around and now i got no more places to start over in. Im tired i live with physicall pain everyday for the last 10years ive got two daughters one i dnt know where she is and the other i cant even speak to because all i wanna do i die how can i talk to her on the phone when all i wanna do is die. I cnt handle breakups and every breakup i get to this point and threaten to kill myself everybody now knows me as phsyco. I cant do this anymore dnt even know why im writing this…….. i need to go hang myself now instead of writing on here sorry for waisting everybodys time. I love you michelle enslin sorry for what im about to do…….

    • says

      Dean, before you go and do something stupid, try using the methods I used to stop the pain. They are all in my book! Get it. Read it. Try using the same techniques I did. Then you will be okay! Trust me. I know you think that ending it all is the only solution, but you’re wrong. Trust me. Please. Give it a shot. After all, you have NOTHING to lose and EVERYTHING to gain!

  3. K says

    Hi.
    My story is very long and to be honest I don’t even care enough to type it all out…. I just wanted to see if this actually does help because I feel like the only way for the pain to end is to die. I just turned 21, and I don’t want to hurt the few people who do love me but I cannot bear the pain anymore. I’ve talked to people I’ve told friends and professionals but no one truly understands what I have been through… on top of that, some of the people involved have recently been harassing me and I think I’m starting to believe I deserve it all. Everything happens for a reason and no matter how much I try to be a good person or am one, I can’t stop my suffering. I read some of your advice for a homeless shelter and I’ve volunteered. My job right now is actually as a CNA at a nursing home and yes it’s rewarding but it’s not enough. The pain doesn’t stop, it’s been 6 months, and I don’t even know who I am anymore. I just want the pain to stop.

  4. Fay says

    Dear Lorraine I read all of your life story and its a lot similar like mine..the only thing i didnt was prostitution but my job all these years was a dj in bars with consomation women that does prostitution and eventually now that there is no work at all no jobs no nothing im not working at all. I live in greece and i was always proud to be greek u know with all of our beautiful history and all. But the thing is that all my life is a great big struggle..i got raped at 21 by my best friends boyfriend..didnt tell anyone..i was to ashamed and i just took a suitcase locked my house that i was renting and dissapearred from there. I changed house and city because of that. My mother and father are not relyable at all they never cared for me..forgot to tell you im 33 years old and all of my life was totaly alone. Ive had some friends but there is no trust for me left so that i can realy on. My parents was so absent that they have me until right now that im writing to you without an id and papers because noone went to register me here in greece when we came back from australia. So im with an18 year expired passport one birth certificate and no id because here in greece i went everywere to try and fix my papers and there is no solution what so ever im fighting this for years. So im alone with no papers and without papers no job anymore and a relationship that i love him so much but im afraid of seperating because his the only one right now in my life..no friends not even one.. and i have to change house again after 8 years with no money and i must leave from this house within a month. My boyfriend does help me a bit financially but not enough and im too embarassed to ask anything if i need something. I love him so much that i feel first of all that if we seperate i will have nothing to live for anymore and ive never felt like that ever in my life. He hasnt said anything like that but i feel it coming i dont know why. I hope its my idea. Anyway though the truth is that there is no hope right now in my life..nothing nothing nothing. Im trying to take it out of my mind Lorraine but i cant. Everyday i wish something would happend so i would leave this life. Im dissapointed in everyone and my self. Im afraid a lot to be left alone anymore i cant be alone anymore. And everyday im trying to think of a way to take me of my misery. To kill my self. All these years i was against suicide and never thought of me doing something harmfull to my self but really i feel terrible afraid helpless and alone. I thought of counceling but there is no money for that. Here phycologists are too expencive and they kid you around. I hope i still hope but thoughts come to mind and one day im afraid i will do it. Sorry for the long letter but i had to tell you whats going on.

    • says

      Oh, Fay… I’m so sorry to hear all you’ve been through. I know life is hard.

      I hope you signed up to get my e-book! It’s packed full of stuff you’ll find useful.

      It’s going to be released soon, too.

      In the meantime, hang in there. You don’t want to die, you just want your pain to end. I know that.

      Feel free to write back. I’m listening.

      Hugs!

  5. shivi says

    Hey… Shivi here,

    Sometimes, I feel so low just because no one here to trust. I had a bad experience when I was in 8th class. But still I remembered each and every thing. I tried to forget all bad memories but every I loose only hope. To overcome from that phase, I always searching for the paths where I will walk confidently. In this search, I browse so many portal for online counseling because I have no guts to face anyone while discussing that. In during search, I come to the portal DialMyAngel. I really like their chat process because I can write anything whatever in my thoughts. After reading your post, I realized and thinking for a person to listen me without judging me.
    Thanks a lot because directly or indirectly your thoughts help me!

    • says

      Kassie, forgive yourself and move on.

      I had an abortion when I was 16. I know how you feel.

      You cannot change the past, but you CAN learn to make better decisions in the future.

      Try to learn to let it go, and move forward with your life AS A BETTER PERSON.

      YOU are in charge of your happiness, my dear girl! So you NEED to forgive yourself for this.

      And I’m here to talk, if you need someone to listen. OK?

      Hugs!!!

  6. Taylor says

    I just wanted to leave my note somewhere. Not on Facebook soley to spare the details, but somewhere so at least someone will have seen it before I go in case no one finds it on my laptop.

    I am tired of searching for things to grasp onto as reasons on why I should continue to live. I am tired of feeling the negative and hollow aurora which follows me every day, which shows up everywhere I go. I cannot avoid it anymore, and I cannot handle the moments of deep pain and despair that come and go when they please. I am angry at myself when I realize that I just can’t explain how this feels, and how no matter what I do in attempt to change it, nothing works and it comes back. I try to talk about how I feel with those who I think I can trust or who might be able to help, but it is treated as a joke, or overlooked as they don’t think I could or would follow through with it. I don’t know if I would do it or not, but if I did attempt to, I would make sure that it is successful, and that I do not wake up or come back. Although my life seems perfect to most, and it seems like I am living what most would consider a blessing, I wake up every day feeling like I am stuck in a nightmare, with no one to go to, and with nothing that can make me genuinely happy for an extended amount of time. Growing up for some reason I often had the thought that I wouldn’t make it to the age I am now, and I couldn’t picture it. Here I am now at 20 years old, with the same feeling but for the future. I am tired of lying to myself when I say that each day is a new one and will be better than the last, when I know I will feel the same negativity and lonesomeness that I felt the previous day. I am grasping for things to hold on to, so that I don’t fall into a hole in which I eventually won’t be able to climb out of, only to watch everyone from above mourning and acting like they care when it’s already too late. Everyone cares when it’s too late.

    I’ve spent my life taking time to make sure the people around me are okay and well, which in turn causes me to live for everyone but myself. Don’t say it will get better, when we all know that it will not. It may not get worse, but that’s irrelevant at this point. After all I’ve done for everyone else including my family, the most spotlight or remote sense of appreciation of my existence will be when my funeral takes place, if my family cares to even have one for me. I am not the favored child, I am not the favored friend, and I am not ideal enough in anyone’s eyes, even those who claim I am but have no genuine points to back it all up. I had tried these past few years to improve myself by getting involved and starting organizations for things I once cared about, but at the end of the day, none of it make me happy for an extended period of time or allows me to enjoy my life anymore. I realize this is the easy way out, and maybe when this happens my family will finally notice me and realize how much I really tried to be happy, successful, and positive when all I have wanted to be these past few years is to be gone. If anyone dares call this situational depression, you are wrong. You are wrong in thinking you know how I feel. You are wrong in thinking that I wouldn’t be the one to do it. People see when these issues are going on, but choose to overlook and ignore them until it is too late. The world opens its eyes when it’s too late, and everyone cares when it’s too late.
    Today’s moments quickly become tomorrow’s memories, and that’s what I’d rather be is a memory.

    • says

      Taylor,

      Print this out. Give it to your family members to read.

      And go see a doctor. It sounds like you need some medication to help you feel better.

      I was on some antidepressants for a while, and they worked for me.

      Please… please do these two things ASAP!

      OK?

      Hugs,
      Lorraine

    • TC says

      Taylor has described exactly how I feel on a daily basis.

      At some point, I quit caring about everything but I still value people. I do care for people but helping others no longer soothes me as a temporary fix to my depression (which I have kept hidden).

      People view me as a person who has it all … Perhaps that is my problem, I have nothing to look forward to or to work for … No reasonable goals to set for myself. I can create an outrageous goal which will never come true (such as winning the million dollar lottery) but I’ve tried to be realistic about my future, which most of the time, I wish would end.

      I’m not at the end of my rope yet but I am inching closer and closer. My hope is that finding this website and reading experiences from people with similar thoughts and issues will change me in a way which turns my future outlook into something I want to be a part of.

      Bottom Line: I want to matter again but I am not sure in what capacity.

      • says

        I feel the same way some days. I almost feel hypocritical giving advice to others. I have bad days too.

        But I remember my own advice, and it helps.

        Sometimes doing a little soul-searching helps too.

        I hope you can find happiness somewhere. Perhaps visiting your local homeless shelter will put your life in perspective for you.

        Maybe you can offer to volunteer… if you have time. Changing a person’s life will surely give YOURS some meaning… don’t you think?!

    • says

      Are you still with us? I’m just seeing this, and everything you wrote is IDENTICAL to how I feel, have experienced, and wish to be. Just gone. Wish we could talk. Nobody understands this feeling unless have felt or feel this way as well. People say it’s selfish, and to think of who I’d hurt…I’m an only child (daughter) and a mother of 2 beautiful successful kids now 19 and 17 who I feel would hurt, but be able to go on at this point and still be successful. I’m scared of hell, or what woud come after though. I’m scared of not getting to go to a much better place to have eternity with my loves.

  7. ChujCiWDupeStaraSzmato says

    I FUCKING HATE YOU BITCH. THE ONLY THING I WANT IS MY OWN DEATH NOT TO LISTEN BITCHES LIKE YOU THAT LIFE IS “WONDERFUL” AND SO ON. GO FUCK YOURSELF!

      • burt lu says

        Dear Lorraine tonight I have decided to overdose on some sleeping pills. I supposed to take two but I am going for 30. I pray it does the trick. I can’t stand my master’s degree and can’t tell my father I don’t want to do it anymore. Some words of encouragement as I embark on this act of ending it all tonight.

        • says

          Burt, I took 30 and it wasn’t enough. Read my story again, and you’ll see that I just got really, really sick.

          There are ways you can deal with stress, you know. You don’t have to kill yourself.

          Try using some of the 11 strategies mentioned in this post.

          Give yourself a few days to try and cope.

          Then get back to me, please!

      • burt lu says

        This is it Lorraine! I’m taking the pills now. Hopefully I won’t wake up. No more stress of my master’s. Keep up the good work,
        Burt

        • says

          You are just going to get sick, like I did.

          And you are taking the coward’s way out.

          Don’t forget to say goodbye to your family. Leave them a note, please!

          P.S. Try yoga before you go…

      • Mahmuda Rahman says

        i dont know why im writing here right now. i know that you dont care you wont read everything. nobody cares. everyone say that they are there for me and they care but then they just left. i have no one. im suffering of many problems since secondary 1 and now im in secondary 4. im just done. i have enough. i tried many times to suicide and yeah i cut. im 15. i dont know hwy im saying all those stuff… maybe because im tired. i have no one too deseparate that im texting someone i dont know and telling stuff like that. i dont have many friends eveyone left me. because of a girl who dont like me and wanna ruin my life and she did it. she stole eveything of me. she stole my sister my only older sister( they are best friend now) now my sister think bad of me because she is telling everyone in school bad stuff about me ive lost everyone, many closes friend. im feeling so alone. now i have like..sorry i mean i had like 5-6 friends but im seing that they’re talking with the girl who wants to ruin my life. so now they are thinkin bad too. i have enough. i have the cancer too.. leukemia.. i though the lat friends that i have will be there for me and care but i was wrong nobody cares, i just wanna die my life is too complicated since im 10years old. i dont wanna tell eveything here in comment and dont know why im telling all those things i know that no body care but still.. you dont know how im feeling right now, how im wanna die how i hate myself damn i hate it.

        • says

          You are very young and I know it is hard right now… but it WILL get better.

          Teenagers can be mean.
          But you need to ignore them.

          Talk to your sister. Show her this comment of yours. She will realuze how much you are hurting.

          I am here for you. You can tell me anything!

          Please tell your sister about the girl who wants to ruin your life. Tell your classmates too.

          If you stay silent, no one will know. You NEED to SPEAK UP.

          Please reply back! I don’t know you… but I care. 🙂

      • dead says

        hey so i just wanted to let this all out, so apparently my mom hates me she wants me to die and i want to make her wish come true but i dont know how to kill myself. she said it herself “i wish god would take you right now” i mean like shes right she wants to get rid of me i want to die too. tell me how can i get it over with and die?

        • says

          I’m not going to tell you how to kill yourself. I believe that you’re here on Earth for a reason.

          You might not know what that reason is YET, but you will, one day!

          Forget what your mom says. Clearly, she has her own issues, and she should not be projecting them onto you.

          Find some support from your friends, your teachers, a counselor, … someone. Please.

          And feel free to write back. I’m here. And I’m listening.

  8. Chris says

    My pain and thoughts of ending my life come from true physical and emotional pain, I had to have a tooth pulled 6 years ago and thus began my battle with tmj. My pain began with literally chewing on my tongue constantly, jaw pain ear pain, I could not eat. I kept up my hope for years spending money we didn;’t have on splints, jaw repositioning, and ortho. During this time I have been unable to work as a nurse. My sister and mother both passed away leaving me no family. I do have a husband and 3 children the youngest doesn’t even remember me without pain. I spent more money to have mouth reconstruction we didn’t have leaving us with a mountain of debt we can’t pay and the reconstruction failed due to someones lack of planning. I now must go back into a splint who know for how long and do the reconstruction again. I have truly lost hope in ever being pain free the pain is worse now I chew on my tongue my jaw hurts constantly I bite my lip constantly I have teeth that dig into my cheeks when I eat. I don’t have any hope for the future I homeschool my 2 youngest and we are getting behind. I feel like everything is my fault. The pain the depression the no hope the debt their education I am a burden to my family I take no pleasure in anything I have no money to fix my pain or my debt I can’t work the pain is worse every day I had so many plans for next year thought I would be fixed and now there is no hope and I wish I was gone so I wouldn’t make anyone else suffer either

      • Christy says

        I have he doesn’t know what to do for me he says it will all work out but I know our savings are depleted I can’t work to help with the bills. I am now concentrating on a good Christmas for my kids as it will most likely be my last. I have no family to help out and Noone understands the physical pain I am in as they can’t see it I am a strong person I have made it thru many things rape molestation drugs losing my sister mom and dad (he was no great loss) homelessness being shot in the face reform school and on and on I want no pity I want the pain to go away but my specialist has turned a blind eye after many years and more money I t urned out to be a fantastic nurse for the last 28 years but now I can’t do that anymore I fear my depression is affecting my children and it sickens me to see that happen I just want to live with less pain I guess I just need someone to talk to been to therapists they don’t help been hru many over the years thanks Lorraine for listening u are a great help

        • says

          Christy, I don’t know how much help I have been (or am being), but I am listening.

          Pain is hard to deal with, especially chronic pain.

          What you need to do is explore alternative methods of dealing with this, such as, perhaps, an acupuncture therapist or homeopathic remedies.

          Honestly, I don’t know what to tell you except that your children need you!!!

          Do you think they’re going to be “ok” with you if you wrote them a letter and explained WHY you chose to kill yourself? NO. THEY WON’T BE.

          EVER.

          Think about things from their point of view.

          Be glad you’re not a Cancer patient suffering through chemo… or stem cell transplants that nearly kill you. (My four-year-old niece was born with cancer in her eyes. So far she has been through all of this and more… and lost one eye about 16 months ago.)

          Life is NOT fair. I know it sucks. I hear you, girl. And I sympathize.

          I wish I had easy answers for you. I wish I could take away your pain.

          I wish you’d think about life through they eyes of your precious children.

          Please keep seeking a solution. Use my suggestions. Try.

          Try.

          Try.

          You can do it. I know you can. You’re stronger than you think.

          HUGS!!!
          Lorraine

  9. Ashley says

    Hi, Lorraine. I have also struggled with suicidal thoughts even so far as to try and kill myself. It was actually about a month ago. My experience was similar to yours in the way of pills. I threw it up and was somehow fine the next day. Like many others here, I endured a trauma that creates flashbacks I just can’t shake. Since this is kind of annonymous, I think I would like to share. When I was young (I remember as early as 5 or 6) my older sibling began molesting me. It lasted up until I was in 7th grade. I felt so powerless. Also my father died, leaving my mom with four kids and financially unstable. Her next husband was financially, emotionally, and physically abusive. I have endured abuse so long in my life that it is all I really know how to respond to. I am 20 now and live with one of my friends from high school. She says she only lives with me because I pay half the rent. My family only talks to me when they want something from me. I work all the time just to make ends meet. I am in college for Journalism, but it just doesn’t seem worth it. More often than not I just cry myslef to sleep and hope tomorrow will be better. I know I suffer from mental health issues, I must right? I just feel so alone. I have no religious faith, as I never saw a point. My sibling that I still see regularly is a constant reminder of what I endured. I never told, and don’t think I ever could. It would crush my Mother. I am honestly at my wits end. I know if I could just start over in a new place where no one knew my name I would be happier, but I am a working full time college student. I realize I have more than some, and I recognize my privilege, but I unfortunately can’t escape my own memories and thoughts. I can’t seem to find a purpose to go on. I did relate to your story, though, and thank you for sharing it. I have an inner wish to help others but at the same time how can I when I can’t even help myself? I just feel trapped here.

    • says

      Ashley, you need to tell your mom.
      And you need to see a counselor. You have to deal with all this shit before it ruins you forever.

      Also try using the books called THE COURAGE TO HEAL. They are a two books, a textbook and a workbook. They helped me. My counselor suggested I buy them, and so I did. I worked through them both on my own and with her.

      They helped.

      Running away is not going to solve your problems, because I tried that too. The problem with running away is that your mind goes with you. You cannot outrun your thoughts or memories!

      Please have a serious talk with your mom. Perhaps write her a letter, give it to her, and give her some time to absorb the news.

      Your family needs to deal with this. Most of all, you.

      Please let me know how things go! I’m always here, too, so feel free to reply. 🙂

  10. Dead says

    Hello World, I’m always feeling lonely and have turned to dating and pornography as a solution which isn’t working, I’ve got a family who do nothing but yell all the time. I watched my younger sister getting raped at age 8 now I’m 18 but my now “single mom” frustrates my life to the core, I can’t even do what I love doing best which is developing computer programs and apps. I’ve done impressive things in tech, like the award I won for becoming the youngest developer in my country but all these things don’t move her and I feel demoralized emotionally because I feel Bill had his mom’s support and now he’s a great man, the richest man!
    But I’m getting none of her support plus the rape scene that’s stuck on replay in my head like some popular YouTube video.

    Okay World, it’s time to go now… This is difficult to do but I must die today at least I’d probably get better parents in (Whatever exists after death)… Dear Lorraine, please don’t bother to reply, I’d have been long gone already.

  11. Noah says

    I’m looking for a sign. I want a reason to live besides living to be. As far back as I can possibly remember I’ve felt wrong, I feel like I don’t have what other people do, I don’t feel whole and it hurts to feel that I’m not like other people, I feel empty. When I was 4 I was raped by an older friend that I had. I’ve spent almost 15 years since telling nobody, I became progressively more and more distant since then, I never got to enjoy growing up because the thought of it would always pop in my head the moment I’d be happy, I couldn’t possibly tell anyone ever, even though that’s all I wanted to do, I’m to scared. When I lay in bed every night it eats at my soul and my mind. It makes me crazy from the minute I wake up to the moment I go to sleep again. I had terrible anxiety as a kid because of these thoughts and I could do nothing. By the time I was in middle school I had made one really good friend and they probably don’t know this but they’re the reason I made it through those years, they introduced me to new people, helped me get out and have fun, they distracted. My friend even introduced me to my first girlfriend, I’m truly grateful for what they did because if not I wouldn’t be here. But around this time I started to run in to trouble with my stress, helpful as my friend had been, I started to have terrible headaches and my stomach hurt like I couldn’t believe. I visited doctor after doctor, driving my mom at points to insanity when nobody could tell us why, and it only got worse.I started bleeding when I went to the bathroom and this happens fairly often, maybe 6-7 times in a month, but same answer from the doctors, “we have no idea”. After I left to go to high school I would start waking up in the mornings and feel like I had the flu, everything would hurt, I’d throw up, have diarrhea, and I could hardly sleep anymore. I’ve become an insomniac and I’m lucky for a decent nights sleep now or any there of. So I kept going to the doctors and got the same feedback but this times tons and tons of medications which made me feel worse not better. For a time I think this made me stronger, I started to think that I have to be better because I couldn’t put this burden on others, that I need to be better, that instead I should help people. And I did that, I think I had even saved someone’s life being there for them. I couldn’t keep that up though, I ended up treating some people like garbage out of frustration, I lost all hope because the world is garbage and thought I couldn’t make a future with what I have. So I Dated, Kissed, Cheated on, and Fucked whoever I could, all the girls that thought I was a sweet boy, saying he’s so nice and kind I broke all of their hearts just to get my mind away from all the bullshit because I was couldn’t handle feeling like shit everyday, because helping people was not my answer, because I wanted to die. I had earned a nickname in school because of what I did, I was called a “Man Whore”, half of it said endearingly and half said in disgust, and when I told my mom what I was doing and how I felt wrong she said the same thing. I started to in a way repent for a while and I did none of the and so the name mostly faded away. Now sometime much later after I had stopped and taken time to think but mostly regret I saw the most beautiful person ever, she made my heart skip beats, it was like the stories I’d heard over and over, I was in love, I thought I’d been in love many times before but this was something else. And for some reason she said yes! She Liked me back, spending time with her made me feel real and alive, I felt like maybe I was gonna be okay, maybe I was wrong about being empty, that I’m not missing pieces. But It was only one sided and it seems to have been that way ever since she dumped me I’ve been consumed by the feelings of guilt and regret I’ve felt since. Because one day she took my heart ripped it apart and pissed on it, she’d said I wasn’t who she thought, that she hadn’t liked me for the last half of the relationship. I felt so used when she said that, because not even days after I was dumped it was Christmas and that’s what I looked forward to most that year, because I was going to spend it with someone Who loved me and not some family who raped my mom or my dad and his family who are alcoholics and are never present ever. And because days after Christmas she made it official with another person I knew and talked too, almost knowing right away that she had cheated on me I was devastated. I’d had so much hope. That would’ve been fine though if she hadn’t told me that I nearly ruined her life because I had almost gotten her pregnant that me being around because of that would be hell, that crushed my soul I didn’t have a will to get out of bed anymore, I tried to kill myself because I felt like dirt after that. I was lost for so long when that didn’t work I became a machine, got to school if i wasn’t shitting blood or feeling terrible, and then went home to think about my rape and how I was garbage until it started over. I’m still convinced I’ve done wrong and for some retarded reason I cant even understand I still love her. Friends in school saw how messed up I was and tried to help but I’m really empty now. I’m in college now I got here a while ago, I moved way out of state to Colorado because I wanted to get better, leave it all behind and start fresh. Literally not one person is here that I know and Its made me realize I really have nothing left to give. I’ve essentially kicked the can I’m haunted. There is still a part of me that is waiting for some hope and I can’t kill myself, that’s why I’m writing. do you have anything for me?

    • says

      Hey Noah, I am glad you reached out. I am also proud of you for moving away and starting college.

      You are off to a good start. A fresh start.

      Let it happen.

      Today IS the first day of the rest of your life!
      And your life is what you make it…

      First things first. Let the internet be your teacher. Google everything you can about your health problem with bleeding. Read everything you can and see if you can figure out what MIGHT be the issue.

      Then take that information and get to the doctor.

      Secondly, I want you to do two things.

      I want you to start using positive affirmations each day.
      (Google this too and use the examples you find to create some of your own.) Create about 10-15 you can use. Write them out. Keep them close to you. As soon as you wake up each morning, say them aloud. EACH AND EVERY ONE.

      Then Google “gratitude journal.”

      Start keeping one. Each day before you go to sleep, write down 3 things you are grateful for.

      These things can be stuff like:
      I am grateful I had enough food to eat today.
      Or
      I am greatful I have the ability to __________ .

      Whatever.

      Can you please do these things?

      Finally, put your name on my email list (if you have not done so already) so you can get my book when it’s available.

      Reply and let me know. I am here… listening. And helping if I can. Ok?

      • Noah says

        Thanks for the quick feedback, I’ve been doing positive affirmations in a diary for a while now, so I’ll try and keep at that. Thanks for the advice on what to do about my ailments too. Thats something I’ve just accepted that it’ll be that way forever, trust me I’ve done all I can. But thank you for the word it helps me feel better

  12. Sore Eyes says

    I’m 50 years old and the mother of two boys, 14 and 12. They’re the only reason why I haven’t already done it. I suppose I have a husband who could take care of them but I know what a mom’s suicide would do to their future. I was diagnosed with rosacea, and it’s spread to my eyes. I spend every day with dry irritated eyes. Been to a dermatologist and an opthalmologist. Been taking antibiotics and a rosacea cream but I’m still experiencing discomfort. The doctors say it’s chronic and no cure so this is the new normal for me. I want my old life back. With my eyes the way they were. It seems silly but how do I live with this discomfort happily every day? I think it’s easier to just end it and be at peace. Funny thing is, I can’t even take an antidepressant because a side effect of taking the meds is dry eye. Like I need more dryness? I have been depressed before but always saw a glimmer of hope in the distance but not now. The doctors know best and they say it’s a permanent condition. All enjoyment is gone. The kids would be better off without this downer around.

    • says

      Stop feeling sorry for yourself and think of the people who have problems worse than you. Do you have cancer? Are you blind? Do you need a seeing eye dog to help you walk somewhere?

      Come on, girl. You’re more mature than that.

      Yes, I am being harsh on you. But seriously, think about your life, and decide how bad it really is. It’s not as bad as you might think.

      Furthermore, you’re simply unhappy because of your “new normal” and you need to start accepting this. Talk to someone about this, in depth.

      And for crying out loud, tell your children you love them. Daily!

      • Sore eyes says

        Wow. Ok, I’m sorry that you don’t understand. There’s a lot of nerves in the eye and resulting pain from that is not pleasant. I hope that you never experience it; if you did, you might be a little bit more understanding.

        • says

          Hey, I’m really sorry for my harsh response. I have a few blind friends, and think their problems are a bit worse than yours.
          However, I didn’t mean to discount YOUR pain!

          Please forgive me. I was heavily stressed when I replied to you and dealing with my own issues. 🙁

          That’s no excuse, but it’s the truth.

          I am so sorry to hear that this is causing you so much pain. I truly hope that your doctors can help you find a solution that you can live with! Pain sucks, whether it’s physical or emotional. Sounds like you’re having a bit of both.

          I seriously wish you the best going forward.

          Please forgive me for trying to give you some “tough love.”

          I’m sorry.

            • says

              You’re welcome. I guess I needed someone to talk to, too. Even though I didn’t do it in the right way. 🙁

              I’ve been helping and counselling others on social media lately… yet I’m in need of a bit of help myself. After all, I’m only human, and no one is perfect.

              We all have our problems, don’t we?

          • James Lu says

            Dear Lorraine. I feel like a failure in life. I have made poor choices that have ended me up in a mess. I don’t see the point of living if you are not happy or have no positive prospects. Please give me some inspirational words. Thanks.

            • says

              James, we all feel like this sometimes!

              But the good thing is that we have the power within ourselves to change our future!

              You just need to know what to do…

              Please sign up for my mailing list for my book. It will help you… once it’s available. (I’m not quite finished writing it yet! Sorry!)

              In the meantime, look (on Google) for some inspirational quotes to help you get through each day. Copy them. Put them on sticky notes around your house. (Yeah, sounds corny, but trust me, it works!)

              Ok?

              Can you do these two things for me?

  13. Elsa says

    Dear Lorraine: My name’s Elsa… i’m from Ukraine but im currently living in Argentina due to political issues that forced my parents to left the URSS and move to Argentina.
    Im 35 years old and im constantly thinking of putting an end to my life, since things only get worse & worse. I grew up with an abussive & violent father, and a very passive mother…. she just ignored the bad treatment i’ve been always receiving from him, psysically & emotionally. I didn’t have friends, because he used to beat me in front of the very few i had once (in secondary school) and it was such an embarrassing situation that they got shocked & stopped seeing me (they told their parents & none of them wanted their children to be close to me or my family).
    In my 20s i found out i was an adopted child… that explained the behaviour of my parents and the big age difference (my mother is 80 years old now). And i’ve spent most of my early adulthood looking after them… especially my father who got sick & spent years in bed… he became like a kid & i became a nurse, changing diappers, bathing him, feeding him, changing bedclothes once or twice a day… till he passed away due to pnemonia years laters. So, i never had a “normal” life to go out, have a little fun, make new friends… needless to say finding a partner. I’ve always been on my own. After my father’s death, i got ill & developed thyroids problems, which cause me muscular weakness and extreme fatigue (the dr is also checking if it’s fybromialgia). I spent almost 8 months of sth close to peace, because my mother treats me poorly & i don’t have money to move away. And now im going thru the same situation with my aunt who’s living with us… she’s 85 years old, had a bad surgery & im finding myself exactly in the same situation as months ago w/my father… but w/my own sickness that makes me almost impossible to lift her, bath her, change bedclothes all the time & i end up crying of helplessness. Perhaps you ask yourself what my mother does about it… well, absolutely nothing, she has her group of friends, goes out… and just yells at me when she gets home because i cry & tells me that it’s what i must do because it’s my destiny. But i don’t want this life, Lorraine. I see how everybody has already raised a family… how they have help from their families & everything becomes easier… while i’m always alone. I don’t have anyone to talk to, because i don’t have the time to go to a therapist… nor the money. My back is broken, my entire body aches, my head isnt working well… and i feel this is not life. I want to jump off the building of jump to the metro railways, because i’ve reached a point where i dont feel anything. Im the girl who looks after old ppl… who’s always alone… who never had the chance to study or to do sth with my life because i’ve always been someone else’s nurse.
    I know there are many ppl facing horrible problems out there. But i truly hate my life. It seems like the worst part of a fairy tale, but i dont see a prince charming waiting for me at the end, because im getting old, depressive, bitter… and no man is gonna find me when i spend all day at home.
    If this is my fate… my main purpose in life… i dont want it. I give it back, because no one should be this lonely & feeling like the slave to others.
    Thank you, Lorraine.

    • says

      Elsa, I kind of know how you feel.

      My mom was the one who took care of my grandfather and then my nana (my grandma on my dad’s side), for years. Both are dead now, and my mom is 70. I saw what she went through. I was often there, too. I know it’s hard.

      I am 45 now. I am also single, and work from home.
      I’ve had my fair share of health issues, too. I was in an accident where I nearly lost my leg. I also nearly died when my appendix burst and had to have emergency surgery.

      I face loneliness every day, too. I don’t go out much. I have no idea how to meet my prince charming.

      But getting back to you… maybe try online dating. I did. I met a few losers. That’s gonna happen; it’s inevitable. But give it a shot. You clearly have a computer and email, so try it. I don’t know the best sites to try in your part of the world (I am in Cananda) but check OKCupid and POF (Plenty of Fish). Search the internet for other sites to use.

      As for your aunt, she is NOT your responsibility. I know that sounds cold, because you live with her, but force your mom to help.

      Stop doing things for your aunt. Make your mom do them. Or, at least stop until your mom starts to pitch in and help.

      Then you can both share the “burden.”

      As for money, perhaps you can find some odd jobs to do in your neighbourhood.

      You’re young. 35 is NOT OLD!

      Trust me, I’m 45, now. And I am finally starting to get healthy.

      It’s never too late to change, or move.

      Save a portion of your money each month. Just do it. 10-20% of your income. At least 10.

      In a year or so, you’ll have enough to move. Life WILL get better. Your situation is temporary. Remember that.

      Please remember that!

      Life is ever-changing. And so are our situations.

      You WILL get through this. I know you will. You obviously care about others a lot!

      Start caring about yourself.

      I care about you, and I don’t even know you.

      And know that I am here… online… ready to reply to you again if you need to talk… which I know you DO.

      So please let me know you got this reply.

      And tell me if my words and suggestions and advice helped at all.

      I look forward to hearing back from you, Elsa!

      ~Lorrraine

      • Elsa says

        Dear Lorraine, i dont have enough words to show you how grateful i am for your words… for having taken the time to read my message & to answer back. I had tears in my eyes while reading it, because i’ve just realized there’s a precious someone who cares.
        On a dark note, my situation remains the same because i cant effectively communicate with my mother… i know she’s 80 yrs old & she’s not gonna change, it’s become harder to deal with her with time… I worked freelance as a teacher at home but it was not much and rarely consistent (i had to quit now & then because i was always looking after someone… this is the 3rd time im my aunt’s “nurse”: multiple fractures, surgeries), so she always belittles me for not having steady work (it sounds quite ironic, doesnt it?, how am i supossed to get a steady job while im left at home with a sick person or spending all day in hospital?). I try to tell her how badly she hurts me but she’s completely dismissive and gets mad at me for trying to face her. She gives me the silent treatment or acts like i just mortally wounded her until i apologize or she wants me to do something. If you ask me for the truth, she chose to adopt a child when she was getting older because she kept being told she was gonna be alone in her old age & needed someone to take care of her… and it’s not an assumption, she didnt hesitate to tell me so many times. I even told her the full extent that the whole situation have made me feel thru these long years, in order to have me hospitalized, but she refuses ofc… who else is gonna do all the hard work if im in a mental institution? Ive started to think that the mental hospital is the place where i live in & my suicidal thoughts only grow bigger…
        As for online dating, i tried a very few times, Lorraine, but as soon as ppl know all im going thru & that i cannot go out anytime, they just freak out & leave (sometimes they just left as they were waiting for me to change diapers to my father, w/a disgusting & offensive written speech about how lame i am). I brought a dog home once (yeah, more work for me, but a little love & a companion)… but my mother kept on beating him so badly that i ended up regretting it so much!, till she gave him away.
        I have nowhere to go… would it be better to face our extreme cold winter as a homeless person?… im not grateful to have an aching back, trembling legs, painful muscles due to the fibromyalgia & a deep depression… You said 35 yrs old is not old, Lorraine, but isnt it quite young to have so many things & deal w/all of them by myself? You have your beautiful son… You smile & shine… I barely have strength to speak or comb my hair… i used to be a lovely young girl & now im not better looking than a skull with clothes on. I feel like a dying light bulb, Lorraine. I dont envy anyone’s life… i just hate mine :-/ xoxo

        • says

          Elsa, I am glad you got my reply.

          I’m sorry that you are going through all you are going through.

          Let me tell you something. Life is hard for many of us. You know that.

          Yes, I have my son, and on the surface, my life seems great. But my mental anguish from dealing with all I have been through has made my daily life a living hell.

          Read this http://www.sylvianenuccio.com/rape-drugs-and-prostitution-one-bloggers-journey-to-success/

          You will learn about me a bit more.

          I don’t have answers for you right now. You’re gonna have to figure stuff out on your own, and do what is best for you.

          I’m trying to finish this book right now and it’s literally making me want to kill myself too, dealing with all my bad memories…

          It’s one of the hardest things I have done, trying to help others by being vulnerable myself.

          So I have been crying daily for weeks now.

          How about you give me some advice?

          • Elsa says

            My dear friend Lorraine. Just knowing you’re here makes my day, thanks a lot for that. Im sure it also means so much to all the others who come to you daily, bringing our small & big miseries, that you patiently read & reply. I subscribed to the list to receive that book that is making you cry a river… because YOU are a warrior to us, Lorraine, i truly admire your struggle to cope with your past & how you overcame every single moment of weakness, despite you stumbled sometimes… but you survived, you learnt & moved on… like that futuristic movie of Tom Cruise. If you haven’t seen it, time was manipulated by aliens (and no, im not high, it’s the plot 🙂 ), so every soldier who died, was brought to life again & repeat the same day over & over again… trying to make it thru as long as possible… till dying again… and repeat… and win. That’s how i could describe your life, Lorraine, because you’re here & we confide in you. Vulnerable?… if we were not sensitive enough we ‘d all be cyborgs… or rich businessmen/women (that meant to be a joke)… i dont see it as a flaw as it sounds… and, despite you have to repeat in your memory all those bad moments from your past that make you cry, you’re unconsciously cleaning all the dirt that blinds your happiness and, once the book will be finished, you’re gonna feel lighter & you’re gonna be helping so many of us!
            That’s about the book… As for your solitude… it seems we’re not alone… it’s just a shame that we’re so far away to help each other to share some of the anguish, because even those ones who sang “Shiny happy people” also sang “Everybody hurts”, so we’re either all bipolar, or life was meant to be like a rollercoaster… and we’re here to give our hand to others, especially in the dark… thats the best way to survive. You have my hand… even when im rushing to look after my aunt, but you’re in my thoughts… you count on our love & support, despite we’re not located in the same place. I guess… no, im sure, that MUST help.
            Im gonna take your advice and take care of myself a little bit… you promise me you’re gonna do the same, because we also care… and your past doesnt define your present… it hit you hard but you kept rising… you’re here… you share your wisdom with us… you’re gonna go thru all this stage and, like in the movie, you’re gonna win and answer to me… because i’ll probably be here, looking after my aunt… always wishing you well. Lots of love, Lorraine.

            • says

              Elsa,

              I’m so happy to hear your kind words. Believe it or not, they have given me strength!

              See, we are here FOR EACH OTHER.

              In fact, here is something I want you to read:

              Our human bond connects us, even if our cultures separate us.
              We all have issues. Our problems might be different, but our ensuing feelings are the same.
              We all bleed red. We all feel emotions. We all want to be happy.
              And we all should always be there for each other… regardless of time or distance.



              — some words from the book I am currently writing. 🙂

              • Elsa says

                Amazing words, Lorraine! I’m so proud of you! And you’re right, we are here to help each other since we are always connected to others. Once i watched a movie…and I’ve never forgotten a quote that said: we are only a few, we are also poor…but, when as long as we remain together, we can conquer any empire. I send you light and love… Looking forward to read your book, my dear friend. Hugs and all my support across the ocean?

                • says

                  Elsa, thanks so much for the hugs and support!

                  I’m trying, I am. I am really trying…

                  I hope you are, too.

                  It’s great to see an email from you, by the way. 🙂 Let’s continue this chat! Tell me how things are going for you! Any better?

  14. TKDonuts says

    I’m 14 right now and I thought about killing myself a couple of times before when I was maybe 12. I didn’t go through it because I started to think about my friends and family. Now, just thinking about them doesn’t work. For the past year, I’ve been depressed. I don’t know what changed. But since I’m going into high school, I’ve been nervous and anxiety was getting to me. Throughout my life, I knew I was selfish. I wanted things to go my way. I feel bad at the same time spending a lot of money, but as the youngest of the family, my siblings went through this so my mom said it was fine. But recently my brother signed a lease for a home and my mom forced my sister to go because he was a mess, but then my mom forced me to go and I was sad and angry at the same time I started to pout. I kept on pouting until I was starting to put my shoes on. My mom wanted to talk to me and then she just started yelling at me saying that I should go with my brother and be nice. After our little session, I went outside and saw my siblings driving off without me. I went back home and my mom told me to come in and close the door. She started to yell at me saying how I’m selfish and I don’t think about other people’s feelings. And that we could go shopping for my school stuff and jeans some other time. I do. I always do. And yea I know I’m selfish. I didnt care when we go shopping. I was going to talk back to my mom saying, “You’re the one who forced me and my sister to go when we didn’t want to. So that pissed me off and yea i was acting like a brat. I don’t think about people’s feelings? Maybe you should start,” but I didnt. Why? Cause I knew I was going to be in big trouble. But that conversation increased my anger and depression even more and wanted to kill myself. I went to my room and I started thinking. I knew people were going to be sad, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to end my life. I wanted to die. I still do, but I don’t know what to do.

    • says

      I understand what you’re going through. And I REALLY think you need to talk to your mom about ALL OF THIS STUFF.

      I also know it’s too difficult to talk to her outright… so I think you should write her a letter.
      Then, when you give it to her, tell her you have something really important to tell her, but that you don’t want to fight. Tell her you need to her to read it, react calmly to it, and that you want to talk about things afterwards.

      She will respond more favourably to THAT approach. Trust me!

      Please do this, and let me know how it all goes, okay?

      And I’m here if you need to talk more, too.

      HUGS!

  15. Adeel Sami says

    I really want to kill myself … I am too fed up, cornered, and out of options from my family…

    I attempted for two times in last 2 years but failed — Probably had no courage.

    But this time, I will make it happen.

  16. Anonymous says

    I’m 14 years old I have a fantastic life (I think) my mom is single and tries hard, my sister and I have both tried to kill ourselves. My dad smokes marijuana and hash, drinks all the time, he has gotten me drunk, a couple days ago I tried to kill myself with a belt, I have so many little things messing with me, My room is starting to pile up so I have no floor space at all, and I can’t find anything, and am afraid to sleep in my bed, I feel like I am a failure and if I kill myself my mom will have a a better life, sometimes I will feel like I hate myself sometimes I will feel like nothing happened, I get 8-14 hours of sleep a day, usualy stay up late (3-4 am) and wake up 2 am, I have talked to my mom but we haven’t found a solution and she is bipolar, I’m to weak to kill myself because I don’t want to, but feel like it is my only choice.

    • says

      Hey. Clean up your room. That’s your first step!

      Trust me. You’ll feel SOOOO much better once you do that.

      All the other things will improve. You’ll see.

      Just do it.

  17. david jones says

    ive been trying to find support group to talk about wats going on in my head so sad all the time feels like my heart going to explode want to crawl into a hole annd the only thing i can think of is prison i lie in bed at night and think about hurting people not kids or woman but think about pealing some1s face of i know its not normal and dont want to spend my life in jail as spent alot of time in jail anyway got same backround as most depressed people used to go to a mans house who lived on the corner beaten by my dad mum shot off and left me with drug dealers at age of 13 raised by drugs started taking em wen about 11 never thought life would be like this now i want to crawl into a hole meaning i just want to be normal ive already killed 1 person by accident and responsible for anouther i just aint got the guts to kill myself but my pension plan is life in jail as im 40 got no money was a heroin addict for 11 yrs but been clean for 3 yrs take alot of benzos i need help

    • says

      David, prison is NOT the answer!!!

      You can clean yourself up and become a productive member of society! Maybe you could do some public speaking at schools… and set the next generation straight!

      I’m proud of you for getting yourself off the heroin. That’s not an easy habit to kick, but you did it!!! Good for you!!!

      We all have things in our pasts that we’re not proud of. I was a drug addict, a gambler, and a prostitute, too. Life is not easy. But we have to make the best of our situations… regardless of what they might be.

      It sounds to me like you just need a friend. Someone you can talk to. Someone you can vent to.

      Feel free to reply to this and tell me more. I’m listening.

      In the meantime, focus on the positives (like how you overcame your addiction!!!) instead of the deaths of those two people.

      You might also consider seeing a doctor who can properly diagnose you and treat your depression.

      Let me know what you decide to do.

      You’re life is NOT over… it’s just beginning! Be positive!

      Think about what you can offer others… and how others can learn from you and your mistakes and your experiences.

  18. LABJ says

    Hi. I’m a sixteen year old taking part in the LGBT+ community. My parents are abusive and I haven’t seen my father for half a year (which doesn’t change the fact he’s still finding ways to screw me over). My childhood was spent with verbal abuse, mental and emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, sexual harassment, and rape. I’ve gotten to the age I am now and thought that the relationship I’m in now would’ve helped me stop wanting to die. Just recently, I got incredibly ill and it turned out to be the primary cold sore infection and I’m still supposed to not leave the couch. I think I got it from this paedophilic man our family knows and I had to talk to him until he left. On top of everything, now I risked giving my significant other HSV-1 as well, and I’m so afraid that they might actually get it and that it might ruin everything. We’re both depressed and I’ve been wanting to kill myself a lot more lately, and this cold sore virus is really not helping in any way, and to know I gave it to my significant other as well is something I can’t live with. I already feel like I’m a bad role model, and I feel I’m much more of a hindrance than they realise, and now all I want to do is die. Since I’m gay, I don’t get to see them as it is and now I probably won’t be able to kiss them when I do see them. I don’t want to risk ruining their life.

    I already suffer through PTSD and possible schizophrenia, as well anxiety, severe depression, and anorexia nervosa. My mother’s only form of “help” is sending me off to a mental ward or invalidating my problems by saying it’s not as bad as the problems she had when she was younger. My history with therapists is something I don’t ever want risking to repeat (my father bribed or threatened them), and I’m losing all hopes of actually being successful. I made it into a highly selective program school, but I’m afraid I’ll lose my acceptance and that I’ll continue to be bullied at this new school, as well. I can’t talk to anyone about my problems anymore because I’m either called “annoying”, “attention seeking”, “invalid”, or my father is going out of his way to make sure they can’t help.

    I’m so afraid to lose my significant other. I love them more than I ever thought was physically possible. They actually respect me, they don’t push their boundaries, they actually communicate with me, and yet I probably just completely screwed it up all because I though what was actually herpes simplex virus 1 was a simple sore throat and headache. I know it sounds dumb to be broken up so much over something so small, but it’s really just the final domino that might knock the whole thing over and I just can’t lose the only good thing that’s happened to me. I don’t want to ruin everything, and I’m afraid I have and now all that’s left for me is dying.

    • says

      Wow. You’re stressing waaaay too much!

      People get diseases. It’s part of life. They learn to deal with it.

      My sister’s second daughter was born with cancer in her eyes. She’s 4 now. When she was 3, she had one of her eyes removed. My sister has to take her to a special hospital every two months for a check-up. She has no choice BUT to deal with this.

      Having Herpes is no different. When it’s active, you refrain from sexual contact with your partner. When the cold sores go away, you can kiss, lick, suck, etc. without any worries!

      I have had a cold sore on my lip before. It’s actually more common than you might think. When I get a flare-up, I kiss NO ONE. I don’t do anything else, either… You just don’t!

      As for your other issues, the main thing to focus on is the positives in your life, like getting accepted into that school! It sounds very elite, and quite the achievement for you!

      Try talking things through with your partner. Being honest and open is the best thing you can do!!! Share your feelings, your fears, your thoughts, hopes, and dreams. Talk about your baggage. We all have it, to some extent.

      You are not alone.

      Know that.

      Your problems can be dealt with!

      Stay in touch and let me know you’re doing. Being 16 is no picnic. Being gay and 16 is even worse…

      BUT there are many positive, loving, helpful people in this world, and I am one of them! 🙂

      Hugs!!!! I hope I helped!

      • semir says

        Dear Lorraine, I appreciate your good work to help teens avoid sucides. Sucide can not be justified in any way. It’s of the devil. I believe all human beings encounter difficulties of different levels in life. The responsibility of enduring these difficulties in any way falls on ourselves. Sucide is never a solution for anything. It’s actually heartbreaking to observe many teens of these age are subject to it. Two of my friends killed themseves some years ago. And I myself have been thinking to sucide some years back. So I kind of understand what causes one to consider sucide. The absolute trigger is LONELINESS!! whatever the situation is the final gate to sucide is lonliness. You shared us your story and I am happy you overcame it. What I understood from your past is that your dozens of problems pressed you down to keep your mouth shut. And if the mouth is shut relationships starts to fade away. Finally you will be isolated from all social relationships to where only you and your problems remain. Huh!! What a peace of cake for the devil. When this happened to me I immediately started attending church. Then new people from the church start to get in to my life. The only thing we discuss was God’s word so now I cant remember how that negative thought of sucide disappeared from my mind. Now even my old relationships are fixed again. So when anybody finds a sucide thought around him his immediate reaction should be avoiding loniness. Just speak it out to somebody else. Don’t be afraid of it. Say ”i am wanting to kill my self!” Trust me you will improve. Thank you

        • says

          I am a huge advocate of talking things out! Thanks for sharing! Sorry to hear about your troubles. I’m glad you found a solution that works for you! 🙂

      • NVF says

        Life is normal. People are disappointing, but normal. The world is normal.
        & I am sick of it.
        I just wanted to share that I plan to kill myself soon.
        I am happy for the work you do. Very glad that your life has worked out for you. Please keep it up, far too many people commit suicide for the most mundane things… such a permanent solution to such temporary problems, right.
        All the best for you and family.
        Goodbye.

          • james lu says

            Hello lorraine. I have made some stupid mistakes in my life and have really let myself down. Because of mu mistakes I have no friends, no job, and I am failing my master’s. I really really hate myself and want to end my life.

  19. Naiomi says

    Hey
    I need help. I know that people on here have had it WAY worse than I have, but I still want to kill myself. When I was little, about three, I was molested by my dads best friend. I’ve never told anyone. A few weeks back, in was molsested by my best friends father. I was depressed before that but that made it worse. I started drinking and smoking a lot more. My parents don’t think I have any reason to be depressed. They think I’m a hypochondriac and continue to treat me like a piece of trash. What should I do?

    • says

      Omg – talk to your parents about what happened to you!

      Get some counselling, too! You CAN get past all this… but it will take time and effort.

      • Naiomi says

        I did try to talk to them at one point, but they didn’t believe me. They said “We’re your parents, we would know of somethng like that happened to you. Hence the”I’ve never told anyone” thing. I know I probably sound like “I know it all” or “I have an answer for everything” (that’s what they always tell me) but I truly can’t talk to my parents about this. Do you have any other solutions?

        • says

          Yes, talk to your doctor and ask for a referral to speak to a psychologist.
          Or find one on your own.
          I had to talk to one to help me get over my rape(s).
          It worked.
          Another suggestion: get the Courage to Heal books – there is a workbook that goes along with the textbook and there are some excellent exercises in the workbook to do. (Writing and analyzing what happened.) I, too, used these. They were VERY helpful.

          Perhaps you can talk to a mom of one of your friends? Or a teacher? Or guidance counselor?

          Girl, you NEED to talk to someone… someone professional. Trust me on this. You need help processing things, figuring stuff out, and learning how to deal with this trauma.

          Feel free to continue talking to me here, too, and let me know how it goes.

          Just know this: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
          AND YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

          • Naiomi says

            Thank you so much. I’ll try and do what I can of the things that you have told me. I am so glad people like you exists in the world, and happy that I have found you. Thank you.

            • says

              Oh, you poor girl. There are a lot of NICE people in this world! I am ONLY ONE.

              Please let me know how things go.
              Out of curiosity, how old are you?

  20. Jess says

    you no when you Google ” I want to kill myself but what will happen to my son?” you have some serious issues. I want to die. I am a pretty girl, I am charismatic, likeable, and anyone who has ever known/ met me would never believe I wrote this. ” your always smiling.” im genuinely thinking ” im smiling for you” they are contagious. I had my son at 15. I have created a stable life for him and I. I have my past, and I cannot figure out why I want to die. My only reason I’m alive is my baby (10 now). I almost feel it is selfish for him to have this fake mom who is tormented daily on the inside just from brething… what have I done to myself to feel this say? What did I do to my soul? What am I teaching my baby? How did I get here?

  21. Daniel says

    Hi Lorraine,
    My name is Daniel and I could really use some help and advice from you if you can help me?! I have been diagnosed with clinical depression I’m 27 and in therapy and am on medication but I still feel suicidal a lot and wish I could just peacefully die! If you can help me I would greatly appreciate your help can I contact you through here or by phone? I’m close with my mommy should I talk and be more open with her?Thank you Daniel

  22. Banhishikha Singh says

    hey, I want to kill myself. I am 27 year old. I am not at all happy yet everything is going fine. i am doing Ph D in biotechnology, in a reputed institute, i am getting my fellowship more or less regularly. I was a kathak dancer as well as 400 meter athletics. i want to marry my boyfriend, and my parents are ready in the next year for my marriage. i am suffering from low bone density due to the deficiency of calcium and vit D. so i can not able to do any hard work, even I can not cook also. in spite of this I do my lab work properly, also attend the course work classes. but the reasons for I am depressed those are—-
    though I am so much ill, still my parents are not worried about me. I don’t like to go to beauty parlor, for make me more beautiful, nor made my hair straight. if I want to go to restaurant or to watch movie or to any good place my boyfriend does not went with me. All my other friends are stay in other state so it is not possible for me to hangout with them. I stay alone in my flat from last 3 and half year, there is no one who can fill a glass of water for me, the whole day I weight for my students, they come at the evening and they fill my water bottle from that heavy jar. in my laboratory even my guide does not like me, but she loves other fellows. she repeatedly like to torture me mentally by hiding my publications or by stealing my pen-drive or talking bad about me in my absence, some times she do bother about me but that is very less as compared to other fellows. I want to buy contact lenses but no one let me to buy though I have money. when I have money my father start spending and stops earning. and when I go to my native place the only story my father said that he does not have money and lots off bill are pending. i did not responsible for the bills, but they are responsible. I always want to do something for my parents and my sisters but they only think that i am only for earning money. loneliness is making me depressed. my boyfriend does spend time with me and he says that he has to earn lots of money to marry me so he is so busy with his business 24/7. I have money in my account but that does not make any sense to make me Happy. I really wanna die. I really want go to my late mom. I have step mom she is good she takes care about me more than my father do. my father spent money for my education. that was more or less 4.5 lac. but he used to says that he spent 16 lac for me. I love him very much but I don’t understand why he is as such. my boyfriend thinks that i am immature, that I love animals, and get excited to looking at the any animal from dog to crow everything. all these things are making me cry. since I know very well that this situation will never change, when I try to talk with the aforementioned persons it will be a big fight with them. so the only thing I can do that I have to leave this world.

    • says

      Banhishikha, perhaps you can hire someone to help you fill your water.

      If your boyfriend does not want to go out with you in public, perhaps he is not the right guy for you. Most boyfriends are PROUD to be with their woman!

      I am sorry you are having so many troubles, my dear.

      I wish I had better answers for you. Perhaps you should consider making new friends by joining a club of some sort. Find people with similar interests as you!

      Talk to your family, too. Tell them how you are feeling! They might change how they treat you.

      Good luck, sister!

  23. varshita dogra says

    I lost my mother 1.5 years back in a car accident and i belong to a very conservative indian family. My mother used to take care for everythng for me and the only thing my dad do was supply the money. Soon aftr her death he made my life miserable, he hit me, didnt give me money to live off not even enough to fulfill my everyday needs then soon aftr he wanted to remarry and wanted me to do it for him which has left me completely devastated. It may not feel like too painful but the truth is being a student here you’re too dependent, cant look aftr my own needs. I feel so dependent on a person who doesnt even care about me. I love my mother a lot and without her i really dont wanna live. Also i have a boyfrnd from 6 years and we had plans to get married but recently he’s been such a jerk to me, my most imp thing is my career and he doesnt support me or help me when i really need him. I dont know what to do.i cant break up cuz that would be a whole lot of humiliation in front of my family and i cant take that. I dont know i am tired of all this and just want to end my suffering. There is honestly no way to make things better, trustmme when i say this i’ve tried everything and nothing has helped me in makinh my missrable life any better. I’ve tried talking to my family my boyfrnd, nothing helps

  24. Ritwick kumar says

    hi i m a boy and i m living alone in the room .i think my mind is not working well. I m sleeping near about 14 hours in a day .i want to study but my mind is divert so what can i do plz tell me

  25. Cameron says

    Hi, I’m 14 and I feel I have depression but I’m not really sure. I’m a good kid, even though my parents don’t think so, and I’ve never experienced anything tragic, done drugs, or tried to kill myself. I just cry all the time and I can’t make it stop, I’m always tired and can’t participate in school events as best as I used to, and I’m just scared to think about my future since I already think about this stuff at such a young age. Every day for me is the same. I go to a small all-girls private school and never really get out much. My parents are also really hard on me, and yeah sometimes I do questionable things but just because I’m curious, but they take it as such a big deal and think I’m the most rebellious child in the world. Because of this I get my phone taken away all the time, and get other consequences like not ever being able to hang-out with friends, let’s not even talk about the subject of boys. This really disconnects me from the people I like talking to, making me sit alone in my thoughts, never really knowing what to do. Right now I’m in my sad little room thinking about what to do with my life, typing out my thoughts, though usually I write in my journal, but I just really need someone to talk to. You know I get made fun of, because of my strict parents of course, so how do you think I’d be able to tell my friends that ‘I don’t understand why I’m sad all the time’? They would think I’m crazy! It’s kind of hard to explain because my life isn’t bad, anyone would agree, but I’m the kind of person that HATES not knowing if my life will get better, or way worse than it already is. By worse I mean in my mind, because in public I do laugh and smile, because there some little things in life that make me forget about going home to my sad little room, repeating the same thing day after day. I’ve tried telling my mom about this, but she doesn’t understand at all, or maybe I just don’t really want her to? I’m not sure but I know that it could be difficult because I’m her only child and she probably doesn’t comprehend my generation whatsoever. But there was this one day, about a month ago, where I just broke down crying, telling her all the things that I never really wanted to. Yeah, she made an appointment for me to see a psychologist, but I feel like ever since that night she’s thought of me as crazy, making the weeks up until today extremely hard. Oh and I’ve also self-harmed myself twice, but the funny thing is I don’t hate myself at all. I just tell myself to do it ‘to remember the maximum extent of my sadness so I can understand my capabilities’. To anyone I would seem like a normal happy school girl, but really, I’m a mess. I understand if you don’t have much to tell me, but I’m worried that I could eventually end my life, which I really don’t want because I have big plans for my future. Just one more thing, since I have no siblings and my friends don’t like hearing my boy problems. Have you ever just really liked a guy even though you know nothing about them? I never ever hang out with guys, but I think you got that after hearing that I go to an ALL-GIRLS private school… Anyways, sometimes when I get really sad, since I don’t have the option of texting the guy I like, I often have nothing better to do but to think about him. I honestly feel that just having a relationship with someone other than my parents and friends, could really help me in being a happier person. HA HA HA I almost forgot. My parents would ever let my hang out with a guy because they’re 99% sure I’ll get myself pregnant. Yes I know I’m 14 but seriously take a look around you, all my friends have had strong relationships with guys, some even have boyfriends or ‘things’ with guys. And then theres just me, the girl with the strict parents therefore never being able to have fun. Sorry now I’m just rambling, but I think you should get the point by now. I think I just think too much, that’s my problem. I just get caught up in all these thoughts and never know what to do with them so I either turn to thinking about death, self-harming to ease my mind, or writing letters to random people and expecting them to fix my incomprehensible sadness. Really all I’m asking for you to tell me is how to become a less mentally violent person, ways to calm myself down when I want to punch my parents (not to be harsh but that’s literally sometimes how I feel), and maybe even some tips to form a better relationship with my mother, that helps her understand my issue and the fact that no, I am not a child of the devil. Thanks anyways, writing this helped me calm down, at least for tonight, but still get back to me if you can!

    • says

      Hey, Cameron, I know how you feel. Being alone with your thoughts is tough, sometimes. At any age!

      Initially, I thought you should get yourself to the doctor and tell him how you have been feeling. There might be a medical issue you have that you are not aware of. Case in point: two years ago, for about a year, I was tired ALL THE TIME. And cold. I had zero energy. This lasted for so long, I didn’t know what the heck was wrong with me. I chalked it up to poor diet and no exercise. Little did I know that I actually had a medical problem. There was something wrong with how my thyroid was functioning.

      When I went to see my doctor, he did some tests and discovered this. He put me on Synthroid, a medication to treat my low thyroid. (I think the actual condition is called hypothyroidism.) Anyways, this medication takes about 8 weeks to really start working, and I had to go back to the doctor for some bloodwork to check to see if I was on the correct dosage. (Doctors always start with the minimum dosage, and then increase it if it’s not enough.) Anyways, I was on the right dosage, and began to start feeling better. But then he told me my sugars were high. This translates into: I have Diabetes.

      I was then put on medication for THAT.

      Long story short, I am now okay. I have changed my food choices and intake, and have lost some weight. I am also now moving more, exercising, walking, etc. I’m doing good.

      You might want to get yourself checked out. If you have depression (a real illness!), your doctor will be able to diagnose you. They might find something else wrong with you, I don’t know. I’m not a doctor — I can only speak about what I know from my experiences and those of my friends…

      As for liking a boy? LOL Been there, done that!!! 😉

      That’s part of life, girl.

      And your parents? Hm. Hot sure what to say except they love you. Trust me on that one. No matter what… you are their baby!

      I, too, find writing helpful (therapeutic), and I’m glad you were able to feel better after writing to me.

      Feel free to continue this conversation! I’m here for ya!

  26. Tommy says

    I’ve thought about killing myself because i hurt my back last year and I’ve been depressed,stressing i almost lost my family I just cant take it anymore

    • Tommy says

      I’ve thought about killing myself because i hurt my back last year and I’ve been depressed,stressing i almost lost my family I just cant take it anymore.

  27. Alex53 says

    Hi. I am a 34 year old man from London. I finally discovered over Christmas 2015, after exploring my childhood for a few years, that I suffered many incidents of sexual abuse by strangers, on many different occasions, throughout my childhood and teenage years. I am still trying to find out if worse has happened.

    I have never had intimacy or sexual relationships in my life and am damaged inside. Until this point in time, I have been able to justify and deny the abuse that has happened to me. It is traumatic realising what I am facing now.

    I have tried to make something of myself since I left my secondary school. I am blessed with a loving family and supportive friends, but it just isn’t enough. I am doing what I can to hold onto my job, do exercise regularly and finish my creative pursuits before the date that I have set for me to kill myself arrives next year. I am trying to get counselling in the meantime, but am losing the will to find it. I am exhausted and tired.

    I feel I have just woken up from a coma that has lasted 25 years. I just want my childhood back. I want to be a cute young innocent 8 year old boy, who had problems, but was still happy. I want to be back in primary school. Even though some of this stuff happened then, worse came after. I want to kill myself and am craving death. It is the only way I can possibly become that child again. There is no other way. There is a small space for counselling to change my mind, but my dreams of death are solid. I am happy to provoke trauma in myself and am hoping I have been raped as well at some point as a child. Can’t explain why. I want my childhood back during my primary school years, and only then with me dying shortly after, and I will fight to become that young boy again. I will do anything. I have lost my childhood and I want it back. Killing myself and throwing away all I have achieved in this life seems the only way to do so. I would happily throw everything away to get back there.

    With the damage I have suffered, I can’t ever see me having a young boy myself, and living through my childhood again through him. I feel the pangs now, but have had no relationships in my life, so don’t ever see it happening. Death is the only way I may return to my childhood. I am craving that coming date I have set myself. I am numb to life now, but that date excites me.

    • marco brito says

      Sorry couldn’t find way to post regular comment. A year ago my younger brother committed suicide by jumping off of a bridge. This year my girlfriend of 5 years the girl that was supposed to be the mother to my children is leaving also. She understands how much pain my younger brother caused me so she wants to stay with me until the 1 year anniversary of his death. I feel that im forcing her to be with me bc i know and she knows that there is a strong possibility that without her I could jump also. Im about to be 30 & Ive never felt so lost. Please help

      • says

        Marco, I don’t know what to tell you. Be strong. Life goes on. And you should not dwell in the past, no matter how painful it is.

        Wish I had more answers for you, buddy.

        Sorry!

  28. Maria says

    Hello, I am the youngest one in my family. I’ve always felt like no one respects my decisions and ideas. In fac,t my parents force me to accept their decision. I’ve always wanted to do acting but they never put me into an acting school or so, instead they have now got me forcefully admitted to nursing school. I hate it here, I hate nursing very much. I’ve told this thing to them many times, many times I’ve tried to talk about my feelings, but none of them seems to be interested. Nobody cares for me. I feel like I’m all alone. But yeah whatever it is I’ll never ever in my life commit suicide, because however it is I won’t get this life again. I know it is also a truth that presently I’m dying every second living away from my dreams but still I’ll live and wait. But I really want to know what should I do when no one is listening to me.

    • says

      Maria, I think you should quit nursing if you are so unhappy. Do something YOU want to do. That will force your family to listen to you! And you will be much, much happier.

  29. pipyrus says

    hi, im 22 and have been out of a very bad relationship for 4 months now. i dont miss him in anyway, but i’ve had to move my job, my home, everything. I dont have anyfriends, never have really. the things i used to love and inspire to do are no longer. I hate the way i look, always being told i was fat or ugly from a young age. The world revolves around other people in my family and all i seem to get is negative. my mum used to be my rock but since having to move back in with me she has been nothing short of mean. even when i was trying to stay strong after losing my best job and someone i thought loved me she would tell me to “grow up”, i ended up being on strong anti-depressants, again she would tell me to grow up about that too. my dads no better he really has never cared, same with my brother who openly admitted he didnt care about me at all.
    i’ve been moved around so much over the last few years, and i found my best job. i felt happy there.. then i had to move to the same company but the worst job.. i tend to emerse myself in things to try and shut the world out, e.g video games. even my youtube dream i try so hard on is starting to lose its glow.
    i’ve done nothing wrong but try so hard to get somewhere out of life.. and i still get knocked down when i try.. short of trying to move somewhere else (my dream being sweden) i cant even do that as i cant afford it.
    i dont even know where to turn anymore and more and more death seems like a welcome friend.

    • says

      Hey, talk to your mom. Tell her what’s going on.

      And remember, nothing gets solved by saying nothing. Your mom’s not a mind-reader… and neither are your friends.

      Open up.
      Talk, and let things improve!

  30. Brodie says

    Hi I’m 22 and I have thoughts of suicide. I just got out of a 3 year stint in the army. I have really nothing on the horizon. I cant find happiness anywhere, I get hatful and jealous of my friends who are happy. I have an immense amount of self loathing because I wish I could be happy for them but every time they tell my about one of their successes it makes me hate them more and it makes me hate myself more. I see no way out. I have been cutting myself for the last year and its gotten really bad lately. Anyway I just wanted to write it down.

  31. Racriry says

    Hi. Im a older woman whos been trying to forget everything to keep goung with my miserable life. But life itself keeps showing me that i dont deserve to be alive. I was rape when i was 2 years old sruff like this cant be forget easily. And my mom confirmed it that was my age when i asked about a certain stuff. Then when i was 8 my mom left us my little sister by then 6 and my father. My father havecto work early so we gavecto get everyday at 4am to be left at his sister house until school open. My aunt husband rape me everyday and my aunt make me clean the house and do the dishes if I want some breakfast for my sirter and me. That usually was a piece of bread with a cup of water. That stop when my farher decide that were to grown up enough to take care of ourself. I was 9. I have to cook, clean thec house, do the laundry.. Just like good housewife. Then my aunt’s son rape too. And got me pregnant. Whe i find out i confronted him, he sd was ok that will take me to a doctor to take care of me and the baby. He drug me cause and i just remember seen a man talking to him a lady came and grave me and begging to take my clothes off, i was not able to move by myself. When I wake up i was on my bed with a excruciating pain in my lower stomach. He took the baby out. Of me. I try to commit suicide just like you. 30 diazepam with clorox. One friend of my find me and call for help. They sd I had my stomach pump. And i was out for a week. I almost make it if wasent cause of a friend. Then i jump infront os a moving truck but the driver manipulated no to hit me. I slice my Ritz. And am fricking here. Its like a punishment. I. Fall in love. Got pregnant and my son its special. I feel guilty about it. The father left me since found out. I was pregnant. I moved away with my son. Got pregnant again with a man that layer find out was married. Never been married and for more that i try to do the righ thing its like cant be good for me. I graduate from university wirh honer. But never been able to get a decent. Job. I dont have friends. Everyday my life its the same rutine. Get up., get the kid ready. Go to work. Came back to cook clean and take care of the kids. Get them on bed by whe i finish its 12pm and gave to get up a 4 to have the time to get everything done. My father move with me to help. But its worst. Hes sick as well. And lately ges been forcing me to kiss him in the mouse. Im 40 years i dont like that. Last night while im doung the laudry he push me toward the wall and try to touch and kiss my breast. I cant feel more hopeples cause I dont know what to do…. Im thinking on my sons. They just have me… But what about me..??? Im draine phisical, emotionally and mentally. I just want to die. That may be my peace… Dont you think?

    • says

      First of all, get rid of your father. He should not be doing sexual things to you!

      Call the police and have him arrested for sexual misconduct.

      Then, when he’s with the police, pack his things. Change your locks. DO NOT let him into your house again.

      This is the first step. Let me know when you have taken it, and we’ll continue from there.

      Your sons need you!!!

      Don’t kill yourself. Instead, find someone to talk to who can help!

  32. Grace says

    Hi. Well I want to keep this brief, the first time I wrote this was a roughly 4 paragraph cry for help life story. Not to go into it all too deep, the suicidal thoughts are destroying me. It physically hurts to write this, to simplify it like that when I just want to lay out all my issues be done with it but yeah… My dad is a really great person, and he taught brought me up in an environment where suicide isn’t, well I shouldn’t “shoot myself in the foot”. And trust me, I don’t want to. The most I’ve done is cut myself. But every day and night is just a constant struggle, a war, one that I’m holding out by distracting myself. I’m desperately sleep deprived as a result and know I will not be able to maintain this straining lifestyle into adulthood, yet I know what will happen if I don’t. I’ve tried dealing. I’ve always failed. And I just can’t deal with this anymore. I fear for when I leave my home, or my dad leaves me, I might end up where you did in your darkest times. I’ll reiterate that this is all awfully simplified, but I can’t even, I’m currently just cesspool of fear, anxiety and self loathing and today nothing even happened it was just a normal day. This has been going on for years. Again, I know this is long and messy and I apologise, just another whine for help I guess..

  33. Adit says

    Hi, nice to meet you.
    I just want to talk. My name is Aditia, I am male and my age is 29. Next August i’ll turn into 30. And I decide to end my life next August.
    I am unemployed since graduating high school. Not that I have never worked, I had. But I can’t get along, not because the job. I just feel not comfortable interacting with people.
    I ended up changing jobs frequently and in the end I was unemployed.
    I tried online business, but it has not been successful. The online world seems full fraudsters, at least that way I felt.
    I do not want to live like this anymore.
    I know my problems seem small when compared to your past. But, I really frustrating. I often punch a wall or door to feel better. These day, it seems not working anymore.

  34. Kate says

    I just kill myself I’m really tired of marital life. I hate my husband and his family.
    They’re very very bad. Very bad. In my country divorce is a abnormal act. What can be done expect dying. ??

  35. i was a happy girl says

    i just don’t know………. but i will die for sure….. i am trying my best……. i hate myself….. i hate the whole planet……
    for other people i’m the happiest person they’ve ever seen or met….. i can’t even think about hurting my family .. my friends.. i just can’t …….. but i hate myself more than i love them…….. they are all in trouble (as i think) ‘coz of me ………

    i don’t know why everything is the way it is… !! ….. my parents and friends do know about my this problem …. but now i act being happy all the time….. they know that i still feel low … i don’t feel happy all the time…. but they don’t know that i am still trying to kill myself…………. i wanna escape from all this mess………….. i hate it! i hate the way i think about my life…… i don’t want any help…. i’ll never get rid of it… there is no way out…. and i am happy that i’ll be free one day…. i’ll be free from myself…

    my loved ones ………. they will get hurt…. i know……. i know…………. but i can’t help it!… they’ll live … it’s hard for me to live here….. i really don’t know what to say! ……… i am simply and slowly saying a happy goodbye to my friends…… they know that i’ll be here .. for them……
    i’m being selfish…… but if i will live then i’ll do more mistakes…….

    ….. it’s not like i really wanna die….. i just do not wanna live as i am living now…….. no one can help me…… no one can solve this…….
    and ..today i made new mistakes …this time BIG ONEs.. … and that guilt is enough to collect my all courage to kill myself……….. i hate myself for what i did.. and what i’ll do…….. i hurt one of my friend badly.. .. .. i want a happy goodbye with her……… but it’ll not be possible i think………………

    i’m not depressed always …. i love to draw.. to sing .. to dance….. to watch every single surprise of nature!… <3 …… but i don't wanna do anything….. i don't wanna get job …. i will not do anything for sure……..
    ….. oh it feels like i'm hurting them…. my parents….. they can feel that stressful atmosphere …. .. and this thing is bothering them……… they're trying .. sometimes shouting …. nd sometimes caring more than they ever did …. it's all to save me …. i know i'm not ''mature'' to solve things easily…… but i'll never be able to do anything……because i do not want to do anything…. no one can force me………..
    …. NO ONE!

    ……. i will die :'( …… still dying every min. every sec. ………
    sorry……
    :'( it's just getting worse than before……….. i wannna die…..
    I D K …… I D K………….. why i'm living in this hell….. i don't need "heaven" ….. i just don't wanna live………. i will die.. it's that simple./??….
    no it's not that simple………. i can't explain what exactly i feel…… … i am not a good girl…. i hate myself… and i hate when they love me…… i need them to hate me…… so that i'll kill myself happily…..

    i am doing my best…. and it's killing me inside…. it's gonna be a silent death ……………………. i'll die ….

  36. Tonet Salcedo says

    I want to die. I don’t want to live anymore. I don’t like the life I have now. My husband died 6 years ago. We had 2 sons (9 and 11 years old). I am taking care of them since he passed away. I stopped working and I am just taking care of our kids. I am so stressed with them every day. They always fight, they have home works everyday that I need to teach them and make projects with them. My kids have bad habits like playing gadgets while eating. I cannot control them anymore. They do not listen. My life is like hell with these kids. I hate them and I hate the life I have now. I just want to leave.

    • says

      While I feel your pain, it’s important to realize that your children are in pain, too.

      Think about that, and try to understand things from their point of view.

      Talk to them, too. You’ll all heal if you do.

      Can you give that a try for now?

  37. Erin says

    Hi Lorraine I have been bullied since I was little it has be really hard for me I had no friends I have some now in year 9 but I still get bullied and I have depression and I’m very over emotional so I cry easily and I have been thinking about Suiside a lot and I don’t what to do and I hate myself and I hate the world we live in and I just can’t talk to anyone about it so I feel like I’m stuck in a corner and i just need to talk to someone about it

  38. Sarah says

    you probably don’t even still answer these but here goes it…..
    im 17 ill be 18 in 2 weeks ive suffered from severe depression for five years now ive had two suicide attempts thus far, ive tried to strangle myself with panty hose… and I had a very similar situation with pills like you, Ive always told myself that im a person that will never give up, I even proclaimed it a year ago, then I was raped, then I had my heart broken yet again, I lost the one man that never gave up on me or abandoned me the only father figure ive ever had to congestive heart failure. the year before that I had become very sick I suffered from severe migraines id wake up in mind blowing pain every single day for a year I had to take a year and half off of school. but once I got better my single goal was to graduate. But every mentor…friend…teacher… my mother , sister etc. theyre giving up on me and rightly so ive become consumed with my suicidal thoughts ive become consumed with hopelessness all I want to do is end my life at this point im a coward im afraid of hell and I feel stuck I feel lost I feel unloved and misunderstood I feel sickly and I feel different I feel that yes many people have overcome their depression but every bone in my body says that cant be me. Im tired of counselors and churches ministers and pastors im tired of crying im tired of being alone im tired of letting people down im tired of disappointing others and myself im tired of pain im tired of suffering im tired of dreaming and believing. I don’t know what to do …..

    • says

      Sarah, you feel like you’re at your wits end, don’t you?

      I can relate.

      And I’m sorry to tell you this, but there’s no magic potion that I can give you to make it all go away.

      I can direct you to some coping strategies, though. Would you be interested in that?

      If so, start with a heavy book. Preferably a phone book. Use something that is okay if you destroy it a bit.

      When you get frustrated, pick it up and throw it to the floor with all your might. Scream while doing so.

      Trust me, this works!

      Try it, and let me know if you want more coping strategies… okay?

  39. Erin says

    I have depression and Ever since I was little I have been bullied I never really had friends only people older than me but when j was in year 6 I had not friends and I started stealing other people things like and I don’t know how to think rightly because I don’t know how people can be happy in this world I got friends now I’m in year 9 but I still get made fun off I have memories that just haunt me I can never get them out of my head and I feeling sad all the time no one see I’m sad right now even I’m sitting with my friends right now and I’m to afraid to tell anyone because no one will understand I just want to die there is no hope left in the world and nothing gets better like people always say so when is it gonna get better for me

    • says

      Erin, is there someone you can talk to at your school? A guidance counsellor, perhaps?

      What about your parents? Can you talk to them OR simply tell them that you want professional help?

  40. Alyssa says

    When I was 6 I lived with my mom, she would write stuff down when I got to the age I am now(12 almost 13) I discovered them again, I found out I was abused by my father as a child. Ever since I found them I have gone into a deep depression and a deep hatred for my dad.
    I’ve moved 13 times since I started school, never actually having real friends. Which when I was in one of my previous houses, I hung out with the wrong crowd, drug users. As you would problibly expect I was a user too. Now after the drugs were in my system we moved….again. I was getting a second chance, a new begging then things went bag again, my uncle killed himself due to bath salts. I dated people who just wanted to have sex with me. Things are still bad but I won’t share them yet

    • says

      Alyssa, you need to talk to a professional listener, such as a counsellor. And your mom.

      Have you told her all of these things? If she writes stuff down, she obviously cares about you more than you know.

      Are you still doing drugs?

      What steps have you taken so far to change things?

  41. lovely says

    Hi Lorraine. I’m writing here, because obviously thoughts of suicide had brought me to your story. I am very happy that your life turned for the better. At the moment I am in a very dark place in my life. My father is very sick, my mother is taking care of him and is literally suffocating from the pain and depression that his illness has caused our family. Everything collapsed. My beautiful world of love and happiness is gone forever. And it’s like I entered hell. I am trying to help my mother, but I can’t even help myself. I am trying to be strong, but at the same time I feel that I just want this pain to end. I have a man in my life that I think doesn’t really get me and is sometimes annoyed with my depressive moods. I get that it is very hard to live with a person like me at the moment. He wants to leave me. We are having bad fights. I lost all of my friends, because they didn’t understand nor did they try to understand what I am going trough. They just wanted to go out for parties and I just needed someone to talk to and to share. But no one wanted to hear me. No one really cared. When I finally came to that realization-that I had no one to lean on and no one cared, that is when I felt absolutely lost. That is when I understood that if I didn’t have my mother I would be alone as a dog on the streets. And I won’t make it. I have these very painful episodes where all of this thoughts of loneliness are going trough my mind and I feel that I can’t breath from this pain and this fear of abandonment is causing me physical pain. And then I really start to want death. Then is when I want to kill myself desperately. I dream about it. But I am too scared to do it. I can’t even decide that for myself. It’s like my life is not in my hands anymore and I am just a toy that has been thrown here.
    Please, write me something.

    • says

      We all have our issues. Even me, even now. (My mom recently broke her arm. So now I’m taking care of her. She is 69.)

      You are stronger than you think, than you give yourself credit for.

      Focus on the positive instead of the negative, if you can. It’ll help!

  42. paradzye says

    i dont know i mean he is my first love and then 3 weeks into the relationship he told me he had a gf and that he was with her for 2 years and he didnt want to tell me!!! i wanna die i cant stand it help me i wanna die i just cant take it…

  43. Jazz says

    I’m a girl who’s separated from her family, due to some issues in the understanding. My father died 2 years ago, and I have siblings and a working mother. My mother shifted with her parents and brother. I wasn’t able to adjust, plus I had a moron ex, who was terribly after me for marrying me, since I was heir to my father’s property.

    Then I met this guy, who helped me get rid of him, and settle outside my home in the same city. He’s nice but insecure, obssessed, highly possesive, and claims that he helped me just for the sake of love. It’s been 1.5 years with him. We’ve been fighting like mad dogs, to an extent that we’ve physically hurted each other many times. He has deeply hurted me many times. I wanted to split with him, but could never do that due to fear.

    He has a phsychological problem, and has anger anxiety issues. I want to get rid of him, but can’t find any way. I’m scared of his reactions and I’m done from everything. Due to him, I have lost my interest in living anymore, I feel like dying. I feel like I’m his keep.

    • says

      Jazz, are there any battered women’s shelters where you live? If so, I HIGHLY suggest calling there and speaking to someone! Today. Yes, TODAY!!!

      They can help you and advise you on what to do next.
      And they’re amazing. They don’t judge, either.

      Give them a call!

  44. Ricky says

    Hey just wanted to ask, is it better to commit suicide by hanging or jumping off a building, I think building would be cool but I’m just wondering if 3 stories is enough? (Don’t want to survive and be a paraplegic) But if not that, then hanging. But I’d have to do it at school 😛 I’m DYING to see their faces when I do XD Just wanted to ask your opinion 🙂 And don’t start spouting nonsense about not killing myself, there is seriously no point in living, we were born to die, so why is everyone so set on living?

    Thanks 🙂

  45. Tori Payne says

    I need help. I feel like killing myself because I feel unimportant. I feel like my family hates me. I feel like everyone does. Me and my gf might get expelled for holdimg hands and hugging in the hall or at lunch. I just don’t know what to do anymore…. Please help. I feel like taking a knife to my heart or a gun to my head.

  46. Sabriel says

    Hi again. Thank you for your words of encouragement. I feel like my father raping me has negatively affected how I function and feel about others. The fact that no one believes me hurts the most. I cannot talk about it without being told that I am just seeking attention by my family. I am too scared to trust people. I do not let my daughters stay at other’s houses and I even get skeptical around their father’s family members. I had a terrible childhood because I never made friends for fear that they would find out and think I’m gross or something. My father touched me more times than I could count. He threatened to kill my mother if I told anyone. I finally got the courage to tell my half brother (who lived with a different mom) when I was 13. At the time they believed me, but after going to court and not having evidence, they thought I was seeking attention. I was removed from the home and lived with my brother while my mom was sick. I wasn’t even there for my mom when she did pass away and I feel like I should’ve been there more to support her but my father was always there. I must go I’m crying again as I relive these incidents.

    I feel like I am bipolar or something because I get mad way too easy and cannot calm down unless I smoke pot. I don’t want to be like that. I am scared that I might hurt myself, when I get mad even if I’m mad at my kids I separate myself and feel the urge to smash my head on the wall or punch the brick outside. I know I sound crazy but I feel like I need to be punished for mentally hurting my children. I have no insurance or money to see a counselor. All these reasons and more make me feel like id be better off dead. no one would have to deal with me being a bad mom.

    • says

      Sabriel, I’m not sure where you live, but I know that when I went to my family doctor, he was able to give me a referral to see someone for free. I was also given a prescription for medication from him.

      Perhaps you can do the same.

      I was diagnosed as being bipolar, too, and so went on medication for that for a while.

      It helped.

      It might help you, too. Of course, you need a proper diagnosis first!

      As far as going to court, I know how you feel, as I decided to charge my rapist, too. But he got off, because my friend got up on the stand and lied… for him. I was disappointed, to say the least.

      I am sorry you have had such a rough life and had to endure horrific experiences. My heart goes out to you. I can say that things will get better as you get older, but it takes a long time, and everyone is different.

      So I am not sure what to say at this point.

      Is your husband supportive at all? Can you try being a better mom?

  47. sammy says

    I frankly donno why i am here…what was i expecting? i like your line of been alive now for your son. I am alive today cos my mpm, the only person who cared and loved me is alive. I have earned the nickname failure and i kno it is all over. i dont think i can hold it any longer. I hatee givin. mom a heartbreak but i want to be free of all this once and for all.

    thx for sharing…i hope your words someones life at least if not mine.

  48. Courtney says

    First I would like to say that reading your story did not help me in the slightest, because this is what you need to understand: you cannot honestly tell people that you know what they are going through, and that you’ve been through it before, because you literally cannot know what someone else is feeling unless you are an mind reader, or empath perhaps? Every person in this world processes and handles situations differently, and I do not say any of this to mean that you don’t necessarily understand a bit of what others may feel or to belittle what you went through but someone who went through the exact same thing as you will not handle it in the exact same way and therefore you don’t know exactly what they are going through.

    I’ve been dealing with depression for a very long time, counseling eases it but it doesn’t help and neither does hearing others stories. I am sincerely happy for the people that do find solace in these things but it does not ring true for me.

    As for telling people to not go through with committing suicide because of the simple fact that things will get better, and you just absolutely know that it will, “trust me,” you might say, but unless we can add predicting the future to your apparent mind reading powers, that is also something you just cannot know. For some there is nothing better than making it all stop, to finally be free and have your mind and soul align in peace. I’ve waited ten years for things to get better, and physically, materialisticly and financially things have gotten better for me over the years but my mental state has actually digressed. To say that things get better you have to be aware that for some it is not any outside force that is driving you into such a deep depression that you consider taking your own life. In these cases medication is possibly the path to take towards this promise of better things, but for me, my depression and anxiety creates an overwhelming fear of going to a doctor about this. However I did finally take that step to get on medication, and without health insurance it gets a little expensive and sometimes I just can’t afford it and when I can’t I will fall back into a depression spiral and land in the same spot I was before. There are “free” clinics that will give you an appointment at a lower rate of course but you still have to pay for the medication and sometimes life just doesn’t let you have the extra finances for such things. Maybe you are not targeting those who have clinical depression or mental illnesses that cannot be helped with therapy though, and I could understand that because you are only here with hopes of inspiring and helping those you can. I do still leave this comment because I just want to be a voice heard from the other side of the tracks whose problems may be purely biological happenings of a defunct brain.

    Now, I have been through a lot in this life, so I won’t say that i haven’t had any external causes at all but even overcoming those issues will not help me. Working through those issues has alleviated it some though which is why I mention that counseling has eased it, but it doesn’t help me for the long haul. I don’t usually share my story with others though because I feel extremely guilty when I do, because no one persons problems, issues or situations they’ve been through are any more or less important or difficult than anyone else’s because our situations and problems are unique to us and our minds processing capabilities. The pain that someone feels over loosing someone close to them is no different than the pain someone feels over being laid off from a job and loosing all of their financial support because in those moments each problem is specific to that individual and to each of those people that is the worse thing that could have happened to them in that particular point in their lives.

    My point is that your article is presumptuous, and a bit pretentious and if you wish to truly help people than maybe consider offering comfort and solace without plugging yourself into it with your email course and book and telling people, “Well look at me, I’ve been through ALOT and I made it through and things are so much better so there’s no reason you can’t do it as well.” That isn’t helpful; that’s a bit demeaning.

    I mean no disrespect, and I believe you only have good intentions but I guess I’m just offering an alternative perspective to the approach in which you offer help. I do apologize if I cause you any offense.

    Now, I would like to share how my depression and borderline personality disorder affects me and makes me feel like killing myself. I struggle with this everyday. On the inside I’m in a constant turmoil, I feel apathetic and worthless. In my head there is nothing in this life for me, nothing is worth living for and I feel completely worthless. I feel like I’m not good enough for anything or anyone. I also feel guilty for having these feelings, I feel selfish and like I don’t even have the right to feel this way. I don’t understand my emotions at all, and sometimes I can’t even tell if what I’m feeling is real. Often times I feel so completely lost, alone and empty that I feel like I’m not even a real person, that I don’t exist. It’s suffocating and feels like I’m in a constant state of heartbreak. I feel like I am a horrible human being. I’m in a constant state of fearing the worst, feeling abandoned and dealing with a type of paranoid thinking that deep down I know isn’t true but knowing it isn’t true doesn’t make it feel any less real. I force myself to smile, laugh and pretend like everything is okay because people do not like depressed people. They will avoid you because you’re dragging them down, they only like upbeat happy people. My whole life is nothing but a game of pretend and I’m so tired of pretending, I’m so tired of holding it together and I’m so tired of the pain, fear and guilt that plagues my mind every single day and night. So yes, I want to kill myself because nothing sounds better to me than feeling at peace finally or possibly feeling nothing at all. it is absolutely debilitating to deal with depression and bpd. If you think you can help me by regaling me with how you made it through your depression, than I commend you for knowing what having high hopes feel like because I, my friend, am completely hopeless.

    Maybe nothing I said even makes sense, or I’ve contradicted myself a few times. I’m probably just rambling on in circles like I normally do, and maybe no one should even pay any mind to this comment at all because it probably sounds like I’m spouting off jibberish. I will say that you got one thing right; writing is therapeutic and is the one thing that does help me try to deal with all of the things trapped inside of my head.

    • says

      Courtney, you make a lot of good points, and I only just the other day added the fact that I’m writing a book and an email course so that I can help people on an ongoing basis.

      I do take some offense, however, to that I don’t know how to help others. By keeping the comments open on this post and replying to each individual person (some MULTIPLE times!), I KNOW that I am helping at least a few people. How many comments have been left so far? Hmm. Hundreds.

      As for being a mind reader? No, I’m not. But I have struggled with suicidal thoughts and feeling for years. Yes, YEARS. I even went so far as to prepare for my death. Like who would take my son, who would get my stuff, etc., etc. So don’t even think for a moment that I don’t understand the desperateness you feel. I do.

      But you’re right; I cannot understand each person’s mind and feelings ALL THE TIME.

      Yet I still want to help.

      People who are reading this obviously want help, too, otherwise they would simply kill themselves WITHOUT looking for help first.
      And they are here because they want some help.

      At the end of your comment you mentioned that writing is therapeutic, and that I GOT THAT RIGHT.

      See? What I am asserting is TRUE.

      I find writing therapeutic, too, and if you take a look at some of the lengthy comments, others do as well. Sometimes all you need is to get things off your chest in order to feel better. Sometimes just knowing someone else is out there reading what you wrote (and even responding to it!) will help, too.

      I hope that you felt a bit better after unloading to me.

      I also hope that you can find some sort of peace within yourself, at some point.

      I wish nothing but the best for anyone who reads this, and I wrote it with only the best of intentions: TO HELP OTHERS.

      Furthermore, NO ONE is paying me to write this, NO ONE is paying me for my time, and NO ONE is paying me for my desire of wanting to help others.

      These come straight from my heart, my friend.

      After years, yes YEARS, of people reading this post DAILY, I figured why not help others on a bigger level? Perhaps I can earn a few bucks at the same time, too… and so that is the reason for me writing my book. The email course was an afterthought, as I hear that some email courses are pretty popular.

      So I plan on structuring the course around the book. No one needs to buy both; they need only ONE.

      Some will need neither.

      Some might prefer both, too… who knows?

      Anyway, thanks for your comment, and for expressing your feelings. It’s people like you who aren’t afraid to speak up that will help me on my mission to continue to help others.

      Maybe you’d like to be one of my “tester readers” for my book? (Such people are called “beta readers.”) If so, do let me know!

  49. Sabriel says

    Hi lorraine, your story and the read this first thing calmed me down, but I still want to die. I too was raped by my own father, my mother died from breast cancer when I was 16. I am now 24 and I’ve been struggling to cope with depression for years. I have two kids who used to make me feel better but now I constantly yell at them and feel like they would be better off with a new mom who doesn’t yell at them. I cant help it I try to b nice but they never listen to me. I have no friends and barely any family. idk who to talk to. i have no money to see anyone professionally. idk what to do my life is full of stress. i dont get to do anything that relieves my frustration. no one believes me about my father raping me, not even the police because i have no evidence. my own family still talks to him like nothing happened. please help me idk what to do. i really feel like my children need a new mom. i can’t stop crying over it, its making me feel sick to my stomach.

    • says

      Sabriel, can you tell me in what ways the rape has impacted you? Be specific, and I’ll try to advise you on what to do… as best as I can.

      Obviously, telling you to simply let it go is not good advice… although it would certainly be the easiest! LOL

      I was raped by my grandfather, too, and it killed me inside to know that my family didn’t all know, and treated him like a king.

      Gosh, I hated that!

      As for your children? Sweetie, let me tell you that they ABSOLUTELY NEED YOU. Not someone else. NO ONE ELSE IS THEIR MOM. But you are.
      So be grateful for that bond.
      Treat them right.
      Stop yelling at them so much.
      Once you adopt a calmer disposition with them and talk to them more (like adults, too, even though they are young), they will start to respect you more, know what to expect from you, and behave better.

      Yeah, I’ve been there too, with my son.

      Do you think any of this will help?

      I look forward to hearing from you again.

      Talk soon,
      Lorraine

  50. NISHA says

    Thank you for your advice mam. But mam my lover loves me so much he also wishes to marry me. But he says that i will not be happy if i marry him because we are not the same caste and religion and still he didn’t get a good job to manage life and he fears that his family will treat me bad. I also said him to take time but I am not able to change his negative feeling. What can I do please help….

    • says

      Nisha, I am sorry that I don’t have all the answers. Your man sounds like he doesn’t want to feel like “less of a man.”

      Religion and caste will always play an important role in relationships, but they shouldn’t, if you ask me.

      Perhaps you could try couples counselling?

  51. Nancy says

    Hello i feel lost….i don’t have any one to tell my problems…i am not very educated and i have alot of things to take care of.i can’t get work and i feel very lonely….i don’t want to suffer in this world so the only option i have in this life is to kill my self.am not afraid of pain am afraid of not having anyone in my life who will tell me everything will be okay.I don’t have sisters or brothers or parent so i think it’s okay if i let go of life.I don’t want to feel helpless again it’s sucks knowing you don’t know what to do next with your life

  52. NISHA says

    Hai, My name is Nisha. I am 23 years old. I am facing many problems in my life which i am not able to face it. Its my life. I love a guy whole heartedly. But my parents are not accepting it. As my parents didn’t accept our love now he too got a feeling that he cant keep me happy. He is telling that he still loves me but if i marry him i will not be happy with him and his family. We are of different caste and different religion and he is one year younger than me. He has arrears which he is trying to clear it and he is trying for job but he still didn’t get a job. I love my parents i want them to be happy too. I am their only daughter. I even tried to change myself for my parents happiness and marry someone else. But i was not able to do it. Because i am not able to forget the guy i loved. I wish to get married to the guy i loved with my parents acceptance. But i am not able to do it. Both are important to me equally. I don’t want to miss them in my life. I even tried to convince both but it was a failure. My heart is not accepting to get married to someone else. But when i see my mom crying for me as i am not accepting to marry a guy whom she sees for me i am not able to bear it. I am not able to accept anything that is happening in my life. If this continues i am afraid that my mom will get worse because she is emotionally weak and it is affecting her health. The guy i loved i still love him and i wish to marry him only. But he is afraid that he cant keep me happy. I have no one to help me. I tried all my ways to convince both but i failed in it. So i wish to kill myself because i am able to change myself for my parents happiness nor i am not able to marry the guy i loved. If i try to change myself and marry someone else for my parents happiness my conscience is questioning me that how can i disappoint another guy as my heart still longs for my loved one. But if i wish to marry the guy i loved i wish to marry him with my parents acceptance and i want him also to accept me whole heartedly by making him understand that i will be happy if i marry him. Please help me

    • says

      Nisha, many parents cannot accept who you marry at first. But give them time; they will come around! Eventually they will see you are happy and be happy too. Give them time!

      Marry the guy you want to, not the guy you have to.

      You deserve to be happy!

  53. Pete says

    Yours is truly an inspirational story. I’m so glad you have found joy and peace in life, as it counts for so much when you are alive to experience it. I’m glad you are happy and strong for your little boy, too. I worry that everyone else seems to get strength from a partner or child, and I have neither. But loneliness can only live a lifetime, no longer. Thank you so much for your article.

  54. Manoj Saxena says

    Hi, i cant understand why i got lot of negative thoughts about my family. There are some more problems i have lost my decision making ability. Or i make a decision turns out to be wrong every time. I am 26 male qualified mechanical engineer from India. I don’t believe in God; I am a Hindu religion follower. On my holidays I used to sleep all the day. I have developed a wierd kind of nature. I don’t expect anything from anyone neither. I care even for my parents. I guess I have lost my aim somewhere..!!!! Help!!

  55. Grant Gil octavo says

    Ah yeah ah hi I’m 14yrs old and I’ve been battling my depression since I’m was 11 so can u help me win from my depression also the cause of my depression is because I get so many misunderstanding,insults,broken hearted,and I’m seriously hurt nor abandoned,I feel like I’m invincible they say sometimes I’m crazy but truth is I’m not crazy at all I may be a Filipino but I act as a British student , I just stick to the rules that’s all tnx

    • says

      Grant, you are at a rough time in your life. Being a teenager is not easy!

      Can you talk to your parents about your feelings? And/or maybe a teacher or guidance counselor at school?

      Or another family member?

  56. says

    I’m 42 years old and I have been fighting depression since I was a teenager but I got real bad when I was about 36 I have been thinking about suicide on a daily basis now I’ve gotten help before but I’m afraid going back in to the hospital I feel that I have fell in life I have let this depression take over me I just don’t know how much more I can hold on I want to talk to someone that’s been through it

  57. n8 says

    found myself at this website, the thought of killing ones self to escape pain, its subjective to the person, each of you are different some support the proactive way and some reactive, if you feel the overwhelming thought of suicide then consider that you need to change yourself, your environment and your thinking easy right, the state your in can change you just need to find it in you to choose a path that may lead you away from the hurt and keep at it changing methods and ways till you find yourself that pursuit to happiness will mold you and when you are at that level help guide others like this person has, if you decide to die then be at peace if you choose to stay then use your life do what you want, there are no real rules in life only those we set or adhere to, its all perspective, the world can change we just need to change ourselves and believe in ourselves, you just want love to be cared about to be happy, the feeling your going through is just that a feeling tell yourself i can beat this tell yourself tomorrow is a new day, if your alone then live that life to its fullest if your unhealthy aim to be healthy, find the problem that is effecting you and look at the root of the cause, sort the root and live with the consequence, if this makes you a better person great if it makes you bad then atone for your actions……………..just live my friend your life is your life there is no model life choose wisely the ones that live get to choose as many times as they want the ones that have departed dont……………..live till your old hold on just hold on.

    Choose………………life

  58. Shannon says

    I’m 21 and I’ve been living stagnant for years. I didn’t try when I was young and now I find I don’t know how. As a preteen I very quickly gave up on trying new things, I mostly read and daydreamed my life away when I wasn’t at school. I didn’t know until recently, but I’d been suffering through an eating disorder (OSFED) but I did know that I’d been very depressed since I could remember. I was such a happy, hyper child but something changed in me when I was around eight. All my living memories have been tainted with a darkness from the inside. None of my family noticed until it was too late. Until I’d flunked out of my first year of university and came home to them practically catatonic. Not much has changed in two years. I move around, but only when I have to- when people are around. I don’t even read anymore, I just daydream my life away. I have a wonderful partner who’s been with me since high school but I think it’s only made me internalize it more- I can’t let him see just how broken I really am. And he’s already seen a lot but he still doesn’t know how I am when I’m by myself. I think, like with my eating disorder, my apathy has been my subconscious way of slowly and quietly punishing myself; like I’d just wither away eventually and noone would notice. But I didn’t- I’m still alive and the only result is that my life has passed me by. I know I’m very young but I already feel like it’s too late, like I don’t know how to live. I only know to be stagnant. My bf, my nephew, and my little sister are the only things keeping me here. I asked my bf to leave me today- over fb so he still hasn’t seen it. He needs to get out before I drag him down too, more than I have already. I don’t know how much longer I can just go on for the sake of going on. I want to just not exist.

    • says

      I know how you feel. Try getting some professional help. You might have a condition that has not been properly diagnosed, and some anti-depressants (or other meds) might help.

      Hang in there! And feel free to drop by and vent any time!

      Oh, and it is NEVER too late. EVER. Even if you were a senior, I’d tell you the same thing. Seriously, you can ALWAYS make positive changes to your life, regardless of how old you are!

      And you’ll feel better for doing so! (This I know from experience. I’m 44 now and, for the last three months, I’ve been making changes to my diet and exercise regimen. I had to; I found out that I have Diabetes.

      So, like I said, it’s never too late. (Oh and I have lost about 20 pounds so far and feel much better!!!)

  59. N says

    Hello. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so glad your suicide attempt failed, and I’m so sorry that you felt like there was nothing worth living for anymore. I know the feeling. I can honestly say that I hate myself the majority of the time. And it’s exhausting. I’ve always suffered from depression, whether extreme or mild, and always just coped the best I could. Some days I wouldn’t get out of bed. Once when I was 20 I didn’t leave my room for a week. Didn’t shower, didn’t even brush my teeth, and I think I may have eaten some snack foods. I have had trouble keeping jobs and friends because of these issues. Now, I’m a mother of a beautiful baby girl and I am married to a hardworking and loving man, yet I still feel unfulfilled. I’ve been to counseling, I’m on zoloft, I write, I play guitar, I meditate, I pray, I do so many things to try to fight this thing. And I feel like a selfish and horrible person because I still think about suicide. My baby girl, how would her life be without a mother? And knowing that suicide is the reason she didn’t have one? I’m literally tearing up right now. Right after I gave birth I struggled so much with these emotions. Like I said, I usually hate myself. I suck at time management, I have gotten myself into debt, my baby deserves so much better and so does my husband. I have asked loved ones for support and they give it, but it’s been going on for so long that I’m just ashamed of it. I’m so sick of feeling this way, and lately I have been obsessing over suicide. How would I do it? Where would I do it? How would I be sure my daughter is protected and safe? Would I actually go through with it? But overall, I keep having the thought that everyone would be so much better off without me. That my struggle needs to come to an end. That it won’t get better, that this is a shitty world overall and I’m a shitty person for bringing another life into it, and then barely having the courage to help her face it. I’m like an entitled jerk. My life is so terrible in my head, yet I have more than probably 90% of the people on this planet. I hate myself.

    • says

      Nicole, please go to see the doctor again. I think you might also have post-partum depression. Have you heard of that? Google it. Join a support group, too.

      Trust me; it’ll help!!!

      Like you said, your daughter needs you. So does the rest of your family!

  60. Ali says

    Hi again. I’m so sorry I keep bothering you! I was just wondering if you knew of a way for me to get help from or get diagnosed by a doctor without my mom finding out. I know I need help but there is no way I will be able to bring myself to tell my mom. (I am underage)

    • says

      Ali, you’re NOT bothering me. If I can help you, I will. What city do you live in? Do they have a children’s service agency of some kind? For example, CAS is one…

      Perhaps try contacting someone through a child-help agency, since you’re underage.

      That’s my best advice. Let me know how things go. Also, let them know you don’t want your parents to know about anything.

      Also, perhaps you could try contacting the police or a child-services lawyer. (Don’t be scared… they can help advise you regarding the law!) They can direct you to another professional who can help. (Sorry, off the top of my head, I cannot think of anything else at the moment.)

      BUT WHATEVER YOU DO, KEEP IN TOUCH WITH ME!

  61. depressed boy says

    hi im 19 and had thoughts of killing myself for a long while ive lost my job ive got a son and things just arent good at all every day an agument seems to happen people seem to push thereselves away from m (or thats how it seems) i tried to commit suicide by taking 86 pills about a year ago and it didnt work but ever since that day i wish it had as nothing has imroved im a failure of a dad a failure in a relationship and a failure at work but most of all a failure of a human being its okay ppl saying do this and do that and talk to him talk to her but what if in the end the only person you see yourself talking to is a woman on the otherside of the world whos had the same thoughts and no offence but by that point surely there is no way back? my time has come and now im gonna go…

  62. Joy says

    I’m in my late 50s …… long story of loss related to my ex partner (domestic abuse, gambling, alienated both my children successfully). I’ve always tried to remain positive and be grateful for what is going well in my life. But at my age, with compounded trauma and grief, I’m exhausted with the continued ongoing loss. It’s the circumstances that influence my strong emotions and feelings, rather it just being how I feel about it [if that makes sense]. If such loss and rejection meant nothing to me, well I wouldn’t be where I am. This isn’t about depression (which can be treated). This is about my circumstances (which cannot be medicated).

    The rejection by my kids is like a knife to my heart, they are in their late teens. My daughter even cut me out of her life for her final year at school (she found a wealthy family who took her in & I still cannot believe it happened). The final school year with nurturing her study environment, exams & end-of-school celebrations are such an important part of life. My daughter made sure to cut me out …….. she seems to have some of the character of her father ……. and I despair daily as my soon is moving in the same direction. Seems like all I do fails. I’m sick of trying anymore. I’m sure I’d fail at taking my life. Don’t talk to me about the future; I’ve always had positive hope for the future. But really the future is based on the culmination of what you’ve already experienced ……….. doesn’t look good for me.

  63. Ali says

    I think I am mostly ok for now and I would love to buy your book except I don’t want anyone to know (even my family) so I don’t think I really can. I hope you understand, sorry! I am sure it will help and inspire many others as you have helped me though and I think it is very kind of you to be doing that!

    • says

      Ali, I am glad you are feeling better. Don’t worry about buying my book. I’m not even finished it yet! LOL

      I hope things get progressively better for you, too. Keep your chin up and keep a positive attitude. And if you ever need to talk or vent, I’m always here to listen (and advise), so feel free to drop by and leave another comment when/if things get tough again.

      Take care, girl!

  64. Some Guy says

    Every morning I wake up, uncomfortable with the thoughts of what I threw away. I leave my bedroom to the stench of an apartment I just can’t be fucked to clean. If there isn’t a beer in the fridge, I’ll get on my shoes and take a trip down to the corner where they don’t even ID me anymore, even though I look only 19 or 20.

    I’ve been stuck in this pattern for so long, and the core of my soul has been changed. After day in day out of drinking and smoking myself numb, all these symptoms have emerged — I have a nervous tic, I am full of regret, I don’t leave the house, I don’t take care of myself, and I can’t get myself to do the right things…

    It’s not that I want to kill myself, I honestly think I’m doing more harm just living in hell because somehow I deserve it for all the pain I’ve caused. I wasn’t a good boyfriend, it wasn’t my fault but I see all the pain I’ve caused. Somehow I deserve this hell, and I’ve made it my duty to make my life as miserable as possible.

    I’ve given up thinking that if I hit rock bottom I’ll spring back to normalcy, reclaim my life with a valiant spirit… that spirit is dead. There is no rock bottom, you can always keep sinking.

    I wish I had someone to hold me and hug me and tell me everything will be okay, because this gets harder and harder every day.

    • says

      The first thing you need to do is get cleaned up. Shower. Clean your apartment. Do the dishes. Clean everything!!!

      The second thing you need to do is stop drinking and smoking drugs. They are part of the problem, not the solution.

      But I think you know all this…

      The final thing you need to do is to start making changes to your life. Reach out to those you’ve hurt, and apologize. Then do your best to move forward with positivity.

      Do these three things this week, and let me know how good you feel once you’ve cleaned things up (literally cleaned things up). It’s been proven that a clean environment is conducive to positivity, so I expect to hear you are in better spirits.

      Please let me know how things progress, okay?

      P.S. Here’s a hug!!! (((((HUG)))))

  65. Ali says

    Thank you so much! You are a great person and I think I really needed to hear that from a really person and not some stupid website. And thank you for taking time to even just respond to me! You are amazing and you are really changing the world and helping people! (Including me)

    • says

      Thank you so much for saying so, Ali!

      I’m happy to help. Is there anything else I can do for you?

      Also, would you be interested in purchasing a book I’m writing about helping suicidal people? I am not finished it yet, but I can let you know when I am!

  66. Ali says

    I am a freshman in highschool and I think I am suffering from depression. I think about killing myself quite frequently and would do it if I could just find a way. I have thihgr about jumping in front of a train but then think of all the people there and the driver that it would scar plus what an inconvenience it would be for the city. I am just so stressed out and can’t deal with it plus like I said before I think I might actually have depression. My family can’t afford therapy and I am not going to tell them. My parents are divorced and I live with my mom. She also stressed me out because she never does anything other than tell me what I still need to do and tell me to do my homework which I know she is just being a mom but it so does not help! School is what really stressed me out I think. I have a C in a class and I don’t even think I will be able to go to college becouase of the price and I’m not valuable enough to get any scholarships. I get to much homework so I don’t even do some of it and I don’t understand anything we are doing in history so I got a D on my first test and I am now being forced to make it up and I know even less than I did the first time around. I do cross country which is probably the only think sort of keeping me alive. I’m thinking about dying my overdosing on so.ethi g but I don’t know what and I don’t know how much I would need especially since I hate pills. I would just shoot myself but I have no way of getting my hands on a gun without tipping someone off about what I’m going to do. I am so useless and I really don’t matter. I didn’t choose to live but I at least can choose to die. I don’t know what I would do with my life if I were to keep living. I hate it so much and I don’t see the point in living. There is so much pressure with school and I would muh rather just have some job. I hate math with a burning passion and I rarely do the homework for it because my teacher gives us too much. I dread going to math class or doing the homework and I end up procrastinating which doesn’t help obviously. I am just so tired of living and being a pathetic waste of space and money and everything else. I also self harm but not in the typical way. I scratch and hit myself and choke myself for a few seconds with my hand until I start coughing. I guess sort of as a punishment. There isn’t enough time for anything in this world. I just want to be happy. I have been suicidal for at least a year I think but I don’t think it was quite to this extent before. I am just so tired all the time and no one understands really. I probably just seem like some stupid twnnager who doesn’t matter and just has some hormones flying around or something but I don’t really care how other people see me. Sorry if this is all over the place just sharing my story a little even though I am probably leaving out a lot and just being spastic but final point just that I am going to kill myself sometime and I just need to figure out how or get some help but I also can’t possibly bring myself to telling anyone I know soni just put on a fake smile and try to act and function like a normal person even when I can’t. I also very much agree with you as writing being therapeutic. I writw to get my feelings out all the time which is also why I sort of wanted to be a journalist bit I don’t really think so anymore. You don’t have to respond to this if you don’t want to so don’t let it haint you at all, just sharing my story a little. Thanks

    • says

      Oh, Ali, I feel your pain. Now, this might sound hard to believe, but I know what you’re going through. The good thing, however, when it comes to school, is that you need to remember that it’s only going to be there for a few years. In your overall life span, that’s not that long!
      And your tests are not everything. My God. They are so insignificant in the overall big picture of your life that you’re stressing yourself out over nothing!

      How do I know this? I’m 44 now. And I can STILL remember how I wanted to die after one of my university exams. (Forget high school; I quit high school four times before finally graduating from an alternative school).
      So I hear ya.

      When it comes to writing, you and I are a lot alike. Writing IS therapeutic, and I think you should write more.
      Write a letter to your mom. Tell her how you feel. Show her this comment, and the one you left for me.
      Write a letter to your future self. List all of the things you want to accomplish in this life (forget whether you think you are smart enough, talented enough, etc. — just write them as if all was ok).

      Try these exercises to open yourself up to the possibilities that exist within yourself that you DON’T EVEN KNOW ARE THERE.

      You’ll be surprised at what you’ll discover about yourself!

      Do this before you try killing yourself (by the way, don’t try killing yourself; you have too much to offer to the world!) and let me know it goes, okay?

  67. Catherine says

    I’m in so much pain. I don’t feel like I can go on any longer. I need help but I don’t know where to turn. I don’t think i can live the rest of my life with this pain. The fight is going from me now. I just want to end it all

  68. the falling one says

    my wife of six years is leaving me. she’s said she’s not been in love with me for the past few years, and the pain is just too much. I’ve tried suicide once before, and she came in and found me before i had completed it (attempted hanging…got to the point where i had just lost conciousness and apparently i started coughing enough that it alerted her to the fact that something was wrong). I’ve had a history of self harm (mostly physically attacking myself, not leaving any permanent phsyical marks, but doing damage to things around me), and haven’t done any of that, yet…but the temptation is still there. i’ve been having suicidal ideation type thoughts for a while now, and when i see a story about someone dying, i feel jealous of them that they no longer have to deal with these pains). i don’t even now if you’re still reading these comments, or if even getting a response would be helpful, but i just need to get it out there. I’ve told a couple of my very close friends that i’ve been feeling suicidal, and they’ve been very supportive of me…but i can’t burden them all of the time. and my (soon to be estranged) wife has dealt with my emotional variabilities and frailties for so long that she cant’ deal with them anymore…it’s one of the reasons she’s leaving me. i don’t know if this is just me screaming into an abyss, but sometimes…that’s all one needs. and sometimes, one just needs to know that they’re not alone, and sometimes writing it out is cathartic enough as is. I want to just delete all that i’ve entered, but i won’t, because i need to say these things and I need to leave a record of myself…even if nothing happens to me, i need this to be out there. and, if something does happen, then at least there’s a record of why i hurt.

  69. tyler-jane says

    dear Lorraine, I am only 15 years of age and I have suffered from depression for 4 years. I know I am young and I know I have my whole life ahead of me but everyday I have suicidal thoughts and no matter what I do they never go away I have cut myself numerous times and tried suicide twice but it has never worked and I don’t no weather I am happy about it or sad. what should I do?

    • says

      I’d suggest speaking with your parent(s) and teacher(s). Really open up. There are a TON of solutions out there; it’s only a matter of finding one that works for YOU.

      Be honest, even if you are embarrassed about or ashamed of your feelings. Honesty will help move you forward.

  70. Hyder Syed says

    Mam! I had tried to talk with my Parents,But they not listened me seriously and startedscolding me badly.Now! what can i do.and I m 16 years old.and I was officially turned into youth age..!Now i m fed up by my life.

  71. jimena says

    hello, not who you are or if you keep answering comments but honestly I just need to vent to someone.
    I am a Mexican girl right now I’m living in USA, I feel very lonely and miss my family, I have problems with my boyfriend and I’m going through a big depression, also I have a problem with eating disorder, not enough and I do not feel well.
    the truth is that muchs sometimes need to talk to someone but not ecnuentro anyone to listen to me, I do not want to live’m more lonely, I always was a girl with many friends but never felt comfortable with it, who am not nor can I find I just need some advice I need to start to feel loved by someone and that someone cares how I feel and what can happen to me

    • says

      You need to speak to a health care professional who can help you with your eating disorder. Once you get your health on track, you will feel better in all areas of your life!

  72. steve says

    living with depression and at witts end here, I find myself once again planning to off myself. im in a loveless marrage and have been for 14 years. I tried talking to my wife and she just don’t care anymore, im a screw up. drug addict. im clean now and have bben for a long time. I don’t have friends nore do I want any. they just screwed me over despite me giving them the shirt off my back. I got sick a year ago and have been unable to provide for my family. still cant. im so tired of fighting these demons I have inside, been to shrinks, taken over 25 different antidepressents,. pot helps. but its still aganst the law here in okla. no money to move. I feel guilty for eating my familys food as my wife is supporting my 17 yr old son and my 7 yr old son. I have sold about everything I can to help them out except my airplane.
    ive tried many times to commit suicide and it has failed thus far. I just cant shake the feeling that they would be better off if they never had to worry about me again. im in so much phys. pain still from a spinal cord injury and have been on hard core pain meds for the last year. 400mg morphine and 120mg oxys. it got so bad that I started shooting them to help ease the pain. last month I threw them away and detoxed.

    so now im living with emotional and phys. pain and it grows every waking moment of every day. today I managed to make a trade for a larg enough caliber pistol to do the job. ive contacted the prevention hotline and they wanted to know where I was at to send police. yea they do that here. I just needed someone to talk to is all. they made me feel worse and guiltier for eating food in the house, I have no family anymore that would give 2 shits anyways. my wife has my 7yr old brain washed so he doesent want a thing to do with me, that’s not easy to live with when I still live with them.

    so ive been thinking about taking my pistol and going for a flight in my plane. at least if the .45 doesn’t do it the crash will.
    I simply have no where else to go and no way I see it to get out of this hole im in.

    I hate myself and what I have become and what ive done to hurt my family. God I pray tomorrow is the end as im tired of these demons,

    • says

      Steve, have you talked to your wife about your feelings? Or your kids?

      I’m sure they will be heartbroken if you offed yourself.

      Are you still around?

      What do you think you can do to make ONE change today to improve things?

  73. Hello miss Lorraine…! first of all i m not an english.i m a pakistani .so my english wording is not so good.so i want to tell you that.my parents won’t allow me to meet with freinds,go outside,having fun with buddies,and lots of activities i want to do.but my parents won’t allow me.so that’s the reason why i want to end my life…!what should i do mam?

    • says

      Can you and your parents come to some kind of compromise? Or maybe make a deal with one another, somehow? Like, if you do all your chores, you can stay out until 10, for example?

      Try talking to them. Tell them how you feel. Once they know your true feelings, and how their rules are affecting you, they might be more willing to change!

      Good luck, Hyder!

    • suicidalmaniac says

      Hello. I couldn’t find the thing to comment so I’m going to do this. Since this is anonymous I would like this share my story or whatever you want to call it. For the past couple of years I have been getting raped by my stepbrother. I have turned to drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. I also cut myself. I have attempted suicide many times but something always goes wrong. Either I don’t cut deep enough, the rope breaks, I throw up the pills, my house is only one story, or the stupid hospital. One time I almost succeeded. I was coughing up the blood and everything. But they had to go and jump in. I want to die though. Wanna know the worst part? I’m only 12.

  74. G says

    I was raped when I was 7. Then I was raped againg when I was 15… I was raped one more time 2 months algo. There`s no way I can live with this. But I`m still here because I am too cowardly to commit suicide. I need help, I do not want to feel like this.

    • says

      G, you NEED to get counselling. It’ll help you deal with your emotions and the scars you now have. Trust me, I know; I’ve been there, and attempting to handle things yourself is NOT the answer.

  75. just plain tired says

    I’ve been depressed for about 2 years. Ive had my ups and downs since i was 13. I too loved life and was nice no matter how i was treated. I only expected the same in return. Expected people to be kind honest respectful etc.. But people are so quick to only think about themselves and their own feelings. People now are so quick to seek revenge.
    Ive made my share of mistakes in my marriage. But when i went into thr state of depression i was a good wife. Why did he have to have an affair? I gave up all i had i gave him my bank account my car my life when i married him.
    Anyway i have never been hurt as much as he hurt me with that affair. I feel so empty dead none existent. Why live for tomorrow if you have no purpose to. I havent eaten in days. I just lay in our bed (where he had the affair) and hope desperately to disappear. But no. I have to somehow live and suffer with this ache. Ive taken so many pills and have not had any luck. Ive cut my wrist and survived. I guess i can hang myself. Ugh…life sucks. I wish someone would just rescue me from this…

    • says

      I would advise getting out. Move. Leave your husband.

      Many other women have done it. It’s not going to be easy, at first, but it’s doable, and in the long run, you’ll be happy you did!

  76. .-. says

    I’ve wanted to kill myself for about a month now, it’s been a thing that goes away than comes back again. My story is a bit pathetic compared to these others( btw I’m a teen). So my girlfriend just broke up with me a few weeks ago and seems to be doing just fine while I still feel like shit. She broke up with me for many legitimate reasons but I can’t move on from her and its really hard and stuff. My friends have been disappearing, I got a death threat from some guy and am starting to feel like I deserve it. My friends just are too busy and I can’t even tell if they care anymore. So yeah thats all I really just wanted to vent this by typing it because this girl meant the world to me and she said we’d be friends but treats me less than a friend.

    • says

      I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a tough time. Break-ups are tough, at any age!

      My suggestion? Find someone to talk to about your feelings and inner turmoil. It’ll help. Trust me, I’ve been there!

      Find, too, something to distract you — a new hobby, for example. Start working out, too. It’ll help release the tension you feel.

      Let me know how you’re doing, too, please. I care.

  77. lilly says

    My parents make me feel worthless. They care and love my brother more then me. They yell at me for no reason and worst of all i’m a good student i get B’s and A’s. This makes me feel suicidal and depressed. The thing is i don’t want to talk to my school councilor as they will tell my mom. What should. Also I feel fine and have no suicidal thoughts when i’m away from my family. Additionally my parents nearly called the cops on. Sometimes i wish they were dead

    • says

      Lilly, try writing a letter to your parents. Call it a suicide letter… but don’t kill yourself. Instead, unleash your feelings, gripes, etc. in it, and then physically hand it over to your parents one day when they are both together, telling them that you don’t know how else to tell them how you feel.

      Let them read it. Give them time to process it.

      Then ask them what they thought of it.

      Chances are, this will open a new line of communication between you and them, and they will alter their words and actions in the future, making it a brighter place for you to exist… and finally live.

      Please let me know, too, how it goes!

  78. Guy Noreau says

    I’have helped others in all possible manner whatsoever and whichever way possible ’til

    I was squeezed dry… and no one ever listen to me.

  79. Amina says

    I tried contacting people who I thought would help me, but unfortunately I couldn’t. I found your blog and I guess I’m here because I’m also a rape victim. I was not raped once but almost 4 times by both males and females. I’ve held anger, frustration and disappointment for the past 12 years. I have self-harmed myself 3 times now. I still want to continue and therefore, I’m here. I need help. I want to get out of this phase. There is so much I need to tell you about myself and I will if you are willing to give me your email address. Please help me.

    • says

      Amina, I’m actually writing a book that will help you, but I’m not sure when it will be out.

      In the meantime, please talk to a counsellor who can help!

  80. Guy Noreau says

    I had the greatest talent of all…but can’t use it, and make it possible to exploit and make use of it.
    Through my shitty life, I’ve only come to the realization that due to my too big heart and kindness, people only tapped into at will and endlessly and with no freaking gratitude.
    I’m most of the time spot on bamg on but no one listen to me. Whereas,I listen to everyone.
    I hate human beings…. They’re so self-centered and egotistical…these adults.I prefer children…they’re way more mature,spiritual and caring.
    My life is a success for all those I’ve helped….of course..sure,whether they realize or not.
    But for my deep profound true desires, needs, feeling of..fulfillment and satisfaction as a human,
    my life is a TRUE shitty failure.!!!!
    At 50 ,I’ve had it….with this life or suffering, letdowns, failures and ..heartbreaks.
    I wanna go to an other side….and forget my total bust of a life and of a person…I’ve had it!!!!!! 10000 times over..
    And who knows…perhaps there’s more true love,caring and ..justice out there…hopefully.

  81. GodzGirl says

    I know that not all people believe in God. But if it’s any consolation, if there is no one in THIS world that you think cares for you, he’s always there and he’s always someone that you can talk to. Believe it or not, just talking about your thoughts can help even if you’re just talking to yourself. In a case that you don’t believe in God and you feel like there is no hope for you in this world, then there are people that you can talk to like Lorraine. In my opinion, talking to people that have been through the same thing as you is better than talking to any therapist because a therapist doesn’t understand the thoughts or feelings you’re having.If you are thinking suicidal thoughts and plan to kill yourself, then at least hold off a few days and talk to people. If that doesnt help and you decide to go through with it, then it wouldn’t matter that you talked to them because you won’t be here anymore, so you may as well try it. (Please) I know that this may seem like something that some therapist would, in fact say, but I am one of you. Last year, the one person that I REALLY loved in this world died. She was my grandmother. I know you may be thinking that she was just another person and everyone loses someone they love, but I didn’t lose SOMEONE I loved, I lost THE ONE I loved. The one person that understood me in this world. The one person that I could talk to about anything in this world. I lost her. I was so depressed for a really long time. After about 5 months, I was going to do it. I was going to kill myself. I decided that it would be in two weeks. After about a week. My grandparents on my mother’s side came back from Hawaii. (They had owned a business there but sold it to come back to Missouri). That Wednesday, we went to their church that they went to before they left (I barely remembered it at the time). When we got there, I thought I was going to hate it. We went to the youth room and I wasn’t even supposed to be in youth yet because I was only in the sixth grade, but I wanted to stay with my sister. We stuck together the entire time. After awhile, someone invited us to sit next to them. We said sure and through the entire service, we sat in awe of what the youth pastor had to say. He talked about how life isn’t always as you want it to be and there are many ups and downs. He said that in order to truly have faith in God you must let him guide your life even in the hard times. After service, my sister and I talked about the message and the people for about an hour before we went to bed. I layer there all night thinking about death and what I was going through and if life was worth it. I decided to postpone the suicide for a few more days and went to church until then. I started talking to more people, but never about what I was going through. And when the day came, I couldn’t do it because I had realized that there really were other people that were going through the same thing as me and they cared about me. Now, I am great friends with our youth pastor. I am voulenteering in our church as a 13 year old and I run a sound board during Sunday service. I am in a great relationship with a great guy and i have found that life, even when it seems pointless, can be worth it when you have the right people to guide you.

    • says

      Wow. That’s great! I’m so happy you came to the realization you’re not alone, that a ton of others are going through the same things, and that they came to rely on you.

      I wish you the best!

  82. God'sforgottenchild says

    i am in my 30ish
    I lost my fiance i been with for 5 years… bevore this i lost my whife and kids… now again….
    i cant get a job i have ZERO frends i use to work my ass off but i use to drive a truck…
    so yea i am a loner . I havent eaten for days i just drink and eat grapes… There is no suport in this country for this kinda needed help all they want is money i dont fucking have it.
    I use to get upset when the Redwings lost a game i use to get upset when i dropped a steak from the grill. then wtf am i now then… hahaha some one asked me are u upset.
    when i wake up i feel money body come out of a sleep and then start to shiffer of like ur Hearth is ripped out of ur chest and rest of ur body is going treu a hurricane. .
    then u look for a job and some one ask “how are you doing”. 5 sec pause there…. good…
    People always say good….what u expect me to say no hunnie i am about to pull the fucking trigger to my head after i take my bottle of wiskey and chuck it down.
    i dint use to swear or cus or being careless i wasnt born evill. i drove today to a job interfiew. and i see some thing get run over by a car. .childsuport , warrent , power will be shutted off soon no money.

    Suicide is not chosen; it happens
    when pain exceeds
    resources for coping with pain.

    what do u suggest i should do sweety. look ad the bright side? its really dark here…
    it will get bether? please….

  83. Sabine says

    background: i’m 13, part of a fam that argues all the time and has very high standards, and is judged by everyone else who thinks being fun weird and crazy isnt good.
    i feel like cutting and taking pills and killing myself, i got in a fight with my parents and they called me worthless and told me i’m not good enough for them. they always say that i have to be the best but i can never be the best, except the yell and scream at me if i’m not the best. i can never get an a- or lower otherwise i’m considered a failure. also, people send me stuff anonymously on ask.fm about how i’m fat and a slut, ugly, worthless, stupid, and not good enough for my friends and my boyfriend. they insult my friends, they told me to kill myself and that sort of stuff. and finally people all around me give me weird looks when i’m around and just being the me i want to be. but sometimes i just have to fake a day or two a week just so then people dont know what’s going on with me since they think i’m all happy and stuff. becuz of all of this, i feel like no one cares about me and the world would just be better off without me and everyone would be so much happier without me as their burden. i have no one to talk to…plz help me…

    • says

      Sabine, you really, REALLY need to talk to your parents about these feelings. Show them this post. Show them this comment.

      You have to talk to them, and your teachers too.

      Someone is out there who CAN help you!

  84. Gage says

    Background; Im 20, i come from a broken family, my mother and father divorced, and i got to stay with my father because of things(another story). Ever since i can remember my dream was to go to college ( i am currently enrolled with 1 and a half years to go).

    When i lived with my father all i would hear about is how “bad” my mother is ever since i can remember anytime i did something wrong i would be compared to my mother, who at the time i didnt even know, so my father created a wall between me and my mother using her in a derogatory form. As soon as i started highschool it got worse, my father started yelling at me and becoming more confrontational. When i was in highschool i was in air cadets, and on the highschool football team, My father found a pipe (for weed) in my room in grade 10, and took me off the teams, which pretty well destroyed my social life, But what got to me even more and probably effected me more is how he could do such things even when he grew and smoked the stuff himself. He then called me a Nigger and he has called me his bitch, and he hit me a few times. So in grade 12 i decided to “fight back” so then one time when he “nudged me” i went ballistic on him and gave him a black eye. Half a year past im out of highschool and its August one week before my birthday, im enrolled into college, he starts yelling at me for cleaning my room (im 17 almost 18 now so im thinking wtf?) so i start yelling back(i dont even hit him this time) and he calls the police on me for being verbally abuse towards him (aka domestic disturbance).

    So the police drop me off at my birth mothers, Now everytime i make a mistake or do something wrong no matter how small i get looked at and compared to my father (who at this point i have disowned)she never even believes me or trusts in what i say or do, Ive even told her ive been thinking about killing myself for 5 years now and she just shrugs it off, changes the subject. Now college starts full time, im still enrolled and im still going, i dont have a job because im on government loan (been looking for partime work) and full time course load. So first year of college, i purchased my own Computer (through working with IATSE, not with the student loan) this is the only thing i have ever owned that i can say i bought myself, so im pretty proud of myself for buying and maintaining my computer. One of the first months living with my mother she flips out about me not having a job, and how im like my father and how i should go back and live with them (father-stepmom), so i had enough and i go out for a walk “aka attempting to kill myself”, it doesnt work out because im scared, so i get back “home” and my computer is smashed with a hammer. So i tell her you owe me for the computer, and thats that. a year passes, im still getting yelled at every week (not exaggerating) to get a job, or to go back and live with my father. So now we are here today my full time college course is starting up in 5ish weeks. and im getting giddy again about killing myself. I know i can fix the problem by getting a job at a factory or something else that is easy to get work with, and drop out of school and go live by myself. (which i will be in tremendous debit now because im at the end of the course). My Dream is to go to college and complete it, but im having a hard time getting through with good marks when i get yelled at every couple days, then i have suicidal thoughts which completely screws my concentration up for studying for a few days. i dont know what to do. ive been thinking about killing myself since 2010, i probably would have already, because of how giddy i get when i think of a gun and how quick it can end my life (im in canada guns arent the easiest things to come by). I have no friends literally 0, and i have no family members that i can talk to and open up to who is going to believe me and take me seriously, because they just take my words with grain of salt because im not seen in my parents eyes as “Gage” im seen as my father, or my mother depending on whos yelling at me this time, im completely alone that is more or less the only reason why im writing on this thread because i havent told anyone else any of this before. feels like my life is a joke, even though ik i can disappear from everyone if i get a factory job and work my ass off, but i dont want to my life long dream is to complete college, and if i do anything else besides that im scared ill just become more depressed and more secluded from society. i just dont know anymore, some of you might think of this as whining, and think this kid needs to grow up, thats fine your opinion doesnt mean much to me just dont comment please. So should i say fuck it and drop out of college and live a miserable life working labor jobs? or should i hang tight through all this yelling and suicidal thoughts and just think of my dream id ask a friend for some input, but like i said i have zero people to talk to who are going to take me seriously, and im getting scared of how giddy i get when i think about how easy i can just end my life……(P.S i think to much)

    • says

      Oh Gage. You poor guy!

      Here’s my advice: Be your own person. Ignore your family. You CAN make it on your own.

      Sure, it’ll be hard, but that’s life. Life is hard for most people.

      Don’t give up on your dream for college; ever. Tough it out. Find strength in other things.

      Read inspirational messages. There’s lots on Pinterest. Google “inspirational messages” or “inspirational messages on Pinterest” and read what pops up. Write a few down, those that “speak” to you. Put them on sticky notes around your house so you can read them every day.

      Things will get better, I’m sure.

      Find someone to talk to, too, like a counsellor, if you can. That’ll also help.

      And I’m here, too, although I’m not on my laptop every day now… but I’m getting your messages, but I have to “approve” (review) them before they appear on my site. That’s the reason for the delay.

      Let me know what you decide to do. Though I don’t know you, I care.

      Talk soon,
      Lorraine

  85. Benita says

    Well, I am one of the lucky ones chosen to have mental health conditions specifically Bipolar, Severe depression, PTSD, and many others….I would rather have cancer at least I would either die or be cured! With this it has just worsened over the years since I was diagnosed nosed 8 years ago. I am now 53. I have Masters degree in Nursing and had to give up a very successful career and I was in the middle of getting my doctorate degree. I had or have everything, wonderful husband beautiful children and grandchildren and siblings but….to me my world is nothing!!! I live in a huge dark hole where I am consumed by the thought of how to end my life. I inch closer and closer every day. I have almost everything prepared now so it will not be long now. I cannot live with this misery anymore. And I know that God has forgiven me of all my sins through his son Jesus Christ.

  86. Priscilla meza says

    Hi. My name is Priscilla. And lately I’ve been thinking of killing myself. I can’t take this humiliation from my husband he puts my self esteem down and treats me like crap he thinks I cheated on him which is not true everyday he accuses me. And it hurts cuz I love him so much we have a 5 month old baby which he thinks it’s not his. I just can’t take it anymore I’ve never cheated on him. :'(

    • says

      Priscilla, perhaps you should get a DNA test done to prove the baby’s his.

      I would consider leaving him, however, due to the abuse he doles out. You don’t need that!

      Even though you love him, staying in a relationship that is abusive is NOT going to help you, EVER.

  87. Grace says

    i feel hopeless, and so alone. i know people care about me but it doesn’t make me feel any better. im alone all the time at my house. my mom only spends time with my step dad and just doesnt even try to spend time with me. she only takes interest in me when i do something wrong. she’s taken everything away from me and i have nothing left. i feel so neglected, and i just want to not have to endure this anymore. im of no importance i cant live like this

  88. Sara says

    Hey, im there right now. I relapsed a little while ago so im sure alot of the blackness is from self detoxing. But idk what to do. It’s just i feel like im just spinning my wheels. I wish i could just die but if my mother found out i died from suicide, it would kill her.
    So here i am randomly looking around the webs for ways, i think im just gonna crash my car into a rail or something at 100mphs that should do the trick right?

  89. Leon Johnson says

    Hello,

    My name is Leon Johnson.

    I am here to talk about a worry that’s been a problem for me for about 28 days. For a while, I’ve been worried that I’ve contracted HIV. I am worried because of the situation that I’ve been in. On Monday, 3/16/2015, I shook hands with a person, who was HIV-positive. I’m not sure if there might have been blood-to-blood contact. I’m not sure if this person had blood on their hands. I’m not sure if I had blood on my hands at the time. I remember shaking the person’s hand and not feeling anything.

    This was about three months ago. Then, in April, I began to feel sick. I was coughing several times a day, I had a sore throat, I had sleepiness, I remember having a few headaches, a bump in the area where my throat and ear seem to connect (a possible swollen lymch node), and I remember having muscle aches. These symptoms sounded very similar to the symptoms of early-HIV infection. But there is a lot to this story. I never had sex. Also, I never have shared needles. These symptoms apparently went away. During April, the time that I felt sick, I think it was flu season, or cold season. I go to a community college. I think there were other students, who were getting sick. More than likely, it could have been a cold. But this was a horrible cold.

    I am an 18-year old male.

    I am not contemplating suicide but it is really bothering me.

    My community college offers testing for HIV/AIDS and other STDs but this is only during the regular school year. So I have to wait until school begins to have this situation taken care of. The school year begins in late-August for me. I am going to have to put myself under stress for the rest of the summer due to the situation that I have found myself in.

    I feel like I am trapped in a prison of stress.

    I am wondering: what can I do to cope with my situation? What can I do to cope with my anxiety?

    • says

      Hey Leon, chances are you worrying too much about this. I’d simply just chill out a bit if I were you… even though it’s hard to do.

      Look at this way: If you have AIDS, there’s nothing you can do. If you don’t have it, make sure you take precautions so you DON’T get it.

      Wear condoms when having sex, and stay away from drugs/needles and anyone who is bleeding. It’s that simple.

      Don’t stress yourself out over this. It’s not the end of the world. Trust me on that. You’re 18, and have a long life ahead of you.

      Maybe there’s a free clinic in your area that offers testing. Or you can see your doctor and ask to be tested there. Check out your other options!

      And let me know how things go. Okay?

      Good luck, Leon!

  90. Cindy says

    I’m 57 and am so lonely. I don’t know what to do. I’m seeing a therapist but it doesn’t seem to be helping. My PCP prescribed a high-dose of Effexor but that doesn’t seem to be helping. I sit and cry for hours at a time. Am I doomed? I would commit suicide if I wasn’t such a chicken. Would a different anti-depressant help?

  91. Emilio says

    I just want it to end. The only reason I haven’t is because of my Catholic faith – I was raised that killing yourself is a mortal sin, enough to send you straight to Hell. I hate that I’m afraid of this. I don’t particularly feel like spending the rest of my afterlife in eternal torment, but I don’t like living. I just go through the motions. I want everything to stop.

  92. Celia says

    I am 38 years and I have never been loved, not even by my mother. I was in a relationship for 17 years and he always cheated on me and abused me sexually and psychologically. During those years I was scared of leaving me because of fear of being alone. Everybody says I’m pretty, have a great figure, etc but what difference does that make when nobody loves you? When i finally gather the courage to split up from my abusive partner I was relieved. I then met someone and I truly believed he cared about me. He said that I was great and that what we had was rare to find. Despite all of this he told me that he was not ready for a relationship because he had baggage from his previous relationship. Three weeks ago for a second time I got angry with him for not wanting a commitment and since then he has deleted me from his life. Again someone else who I gave everything to who does not love me. I am going to kill myself. I want to be loved but I am UNLOVABLE although i go to great extent to be perfect> Nobody truly cares about so what’s the point in living? I wish i found somebody to look out for me, that did for me half of what I’ve done for other people but I know that it will never happen. I so jealous of people who have love in their lives. I cant handle this pain anymore, Ive told a couple of people about my plans but no one believes that Im gonna act them out but I will. I will either hang myself or throw myself in front of a train (i dont care about what the driver will feel because i’ve spent all my life caring for others and no one has ever given a shit, it is my time to be selfish). Maybe if i die people will realise the pain that they have caused me.

  93. Jessie says

    Hi Lorraine, my name is Jessie and I am 17 years old. I am so glad that you survived your suicide attempt, because you are really doing good on this website. But I am suicidal.
    I’ve been suicidal for about a year now. I became clinically depressed about two years ago and everything just got worse from there. I began cutting at about that time and about six months later I developed an eating disorder. I have no joy in my life and I’ve tried just about everything. All I do is self medicate by destroying myself (isolation, starving, bingeing and purging, self mutilation, etc.). I’m now on my third anti-depressant that hasn’t worked, I’ve been in therapy for three years (I was sexually abused in my pre-teens years which is why I was in therapy before I became severely depressed) and I’ve also got anxiety disorders that can make normal situations living hell. I attempted to take my own life last December but failed, and now I want to try again. I’m just so tired of living this way after I’ve put so much effort into trying to find ways to make me happy, but nothing has succeeded. I don’t see a point in being here when I’m so sad, angry, anxious, and tired all the time. My family has a history of mental illnesses like this and I know that I may get better eventually but they will inevitably return. I don’t want to be fighting these demons (even if they are less intense) for the rest of my life. I want to be at peace for once. I just want to be at peace…
    I’m so scared of death but at the same time death is all I want…even my doctor said at one point “well after antidepressants and therapy and finding distractions there’s not much else you can do.”
    If nothing else, give me a reason to go on after explaining my situation. I didn’t want this to be an impulsive decision. I wanted to try everything before I took my life and now I’m at a dead end that I don’t think is ever going to completely go away. It’s not worth it.
    Is it worth it to you?

    Jessie

    • says

      Jessie, you poor girl. I know how you feel. At 17, I was pregnant… and my son saved my life.

      You need to find that special something that will save yours.

      Maybe it’s writing your story out… and sharing it on a blog of your own. (It’s easy to start a blog; you can begin a free one at WordPress.com).

      You seem to have a GREAT understanding of the English language, and it’s conventions.

      Use your intelligence!

      YOU are WORTH IT!

      Let me know how you are doing today, too. I’m here to help, if I can.

  94. hurt and confused says

    I’m 48. I have C-PTSD, borderline personality disorder, bipolar 2 disorder (that’s what the docs say, I personally think I just have a mix of the 2). I have terrible anxiety and other problems i’m sure you get the picture of how f’d up I am. I’m a trauma survivor. I’m a survivor. I’ve tried to kill myself multiple times and ended up in ICU twice. I’ve been hospitalized more times than I can remember. I’m a cutter. Here’s the thing. I found an amazing therapist and I love her very much. She’s saved my life for the last 3 years. Since I started seeing her there have been no suicide attempts, no hospitalizations, I did EMDR for the trauma, my nightmares stopped and I started to feel good. I started to feel happy for real for the first time in my life. Suddenly it looked like the sun was shining brighter, everything looked prettier, music sounded more magnificent and I felt joy, true joy for the 1st time. So I say all this so you know how far I have fallen. There’s a reason i’m writing here tonight.

    Something has cracked in my brain and I feel like i’ve gone down the rabbit hole again. I’ve lost or can’t remember my coping skills. I feel dark. I want to hurt myself. Thoughts of suicide plague me. It’s constantly on my mind. My anxiety has ramped back up. The only thing I can think about is how much I wish and want to die. Everything is going backwards and i’m devastated. I feel like i’ve lost everything. The crush is unbearable. To lose all that I had gained. All my progress down the drain. Things seem darker now than they were before. I’m in utter anguish. I haven’t been completely honest with my therapist about how bad it’s gotten because I feel ashamed. I came to a crisis and remembered to call her and I very calmly and coldly told her I wanted to kill myself, that I was resolved and that I felt unnatural being alive. For the first time since I started seeing her she softly and kindly asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital and I declined for a number of reasons. She kept talking to me and slowly changed my thought process and I agreed not to do anything and she told me I had to start seeing her twice a week again. The first time I saw her after that conversation I blew it off and told her I was having a really bad day. I haven’t been honest with her since. I’m just too ashamed and would rather die than to disappoint her. I’ve made my plans and put together my “kit” and keep it with me at all times just waiting for the right moment. Everyday it gets closer and closer. The closer it gets, the happier and calmer I feel. I feel certain it’s the right thing to do. I’m a hopeless case and it seems to me that i’ve finally and once and for all have proven to myself that I will never truly heal. 48 years of living a life of hell, to be shown the light then have it snatched away like some cruel macabre joke. I can’t stop obsessing about killing myself. I’m a gonner. I’m powerless to stop it now.

    • says

      First of all, quit lying to your therapist. How can she help you if you’re not honest? She CAN’T.

      So admit your shameful feelings, and speak the truth. She’ll understand.

      Then she can FINALLY begin helping you again!

  95. Brandon says

    There are days I don’t see much of a point in continuing on. My life, if it can even be called that, has been a series of suckfest over the years. Even when I was born the doctors told my mom I wasn’t going to make it (I was two months premature). Growing up was a struggle, and being an adult is much worse. I’ll give you the gist of it: Bullied in school, physically and emotionally abused at home, having to be placed in resource classes in school for a learning disability. I has a guidance councillor in high school tell me I would basically be a failure in life. Being overweight and socially inept didn’t help much (I’ve sice had weight loss surgery).

    Flash forward to adluthood: I made a few attempts at college, but they didn’t pan out. I went to school online and got screwed. I never really figured out what to do with my life; I’ve been floundering for years with one dead end job to the next. I got married to a not so nice woman because I settled. We got divorced when she cheated on me. I had to move back home, and all attempts to get back into the world have failed. Recently, I lost my job of over ten years and have to resort working overnights at a dollar store for almost nothing. Any “friends” I thought I had are busy with their own live or abandoned me long ago. Don’t even get me started on dating, as I’ve determined I’m not meant to find love. I live in a small town with no much to do. My past two therapist haved suggested I move, but with what money?

    I’ve been seriouly considering ending it all. Most days I see no point in continuing my failed life. I feel I have no real friends, I’m a burden to my family, I haven’t found my purpose in terms of a career, and I’m not meant to be a husband or father. I’ve also been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and codependecy. I’m tempted to turn to drugs and alcohol to numb my pain, and I’ve used pirn to easy my lonliness. I’ve done the whole church/Jesus/God nonsense, but it raises more guestions than answers, and Christians are too judgemental and hypothetical.

    I cannot guarantee I will still be alive by the end of this year. It’s hard finding reasons to live. As old as I feel I though life would be so much more than this. I guess I was wrong.

    • says

      Brandon,

      I’m sorry to hear you feel this way. I know it’s rough; I’ve been there.

      Keep your chin up!

      Sorry, that’s about all the advice I have for you right now…

      I’m dealing with some new health issues at the moment…

      But I’m not going to let them get me down.

  96. Aaron says

    Hello Lorraine,
    My name is Aaron. I have been bouncing back and forth with the idea of committing suicide for the past 2 years, but for some reason I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’m 20 years old, I don’t have a lot, I barely have anything. I have friends that are all off doing successful things like going off to college and getting their degrees that they desire in life and I’m not doing anything, all I’m doing is working a part time job where I get horrible hours and I’m barely getting to the point where I can pay rent. I just feel like I don’t deserve to be with anyone or even around anyone because I feel as though I have no meaning. My whole life I’ve had people telling me that I’m not able to achieve my dreams, from my teachers to even my parents. It’s difficult trying to see any other options I should exercise, besides suicide, when all I have is negative thoughts running through my head.
    Anyways, I apologize for the extensiveness of this comment, I did not mean for it go on this long. Thank you for your time.

    • says

      Aaron, this is place where people like you can vent! Don’t apologize!

      You’re young; don’t let life get you down. Cheer up.

      Maybe you need to make some changes. Quit your job. Find one you like. You know, if you’re not happy with what you do, you’re not going to be happy… ever.

      That’s why they say, “Find a job you love, that way you’ll never have to work a day in your life.”

      Consider it. It’ll be tough and scary at first, but, in the long run, you’ll be better off for it.

  97. Dave says

    Goodness Lorraine, what a lot of comments and so much sadness.
    I am a 61 year old doctor and to all of you younger ones, I encourage you to move away from living life as a victim. Look for hope and calm. Things can change.
    For my part it’s all gone badly wrong and I am about to continue the destructive path I have begun. I am unable to find hope and will leave anger and pain with all those I say I love, but ultimately we are all selfish.
    Make sure you have tried all that your doctor, lifestyle people, psychs and exercise has to offer. Thinking about suicide is toxic. The more time spent ruminating, the more likely it will occur.
    Maybe prayer is all that is left and love.

    • says

      Dr. Dave, you are proof that anyone can be affected by suicidal thoughts.

      Thanks for the advice, too, to everyone.

      It’s a great idea to be able to think about something else, but I know from experience it’s not always possible.

      Such is life.

  98. Katherine says

    Life absolutely sucks for some. And I believe that only those constantly contemplating suicide appreciate the associated horrific pain. For me & I think others, the pain to continue living against our inner thoughts telling us to end our lives to end this horrible, debilitating pain. You say to those around you that you want to kill yourself but no one responds. See a counselor, family, friends, preacher. Well, if those sources were of any value, we wouldn’t be in this pain. We want to kill ourselves but do not because of our concern for those who matter to us. We apparently don’t truly matter to them because otherwise we wouldn’t be in this pain. I feel as though the only way to prove my pain is to kill myself but because of those that I am responsible for, I am still here. In closing, but very sincerely & with utmost sincerity, if there is anyone else around me geographically who feels alone & not understood, I would be interested in knowing you and becoming your friend. I live in Crystal Lake, IL. Let me know. I want to help myself & others if I can.

    • says

      Katherine, people feel alone and suicidal for different reasons. No two people are the same.

      I hope you find the peace you need.

      Good luck with finding others in your area, too! I wish you the best!

  99. Shivkumar Basail says

    I’m from India and the thing is that i really feel like dying a lot….. Like it would be such a relief if i died…. No one will even bother just except my mother…. I too fear of a painful death and wanna die a quick and easy death without any pain….. I’m currently an engineering student and the thing is I failed in the first year resulting in a year drop…. My father is just a driver… I know its really hard for him to make money and send me to an engineering college but i really don’t know what to do with my life….. Everyone has their goals set, they all know what to do and how to do but i really dont know what is career going to be…… And most of all it may seem awkward to you but i really hate this cycle of life that one who is born has to die… I sometimes sit alone and think that i really cant see my parents die… Other than that there’s a major problem which i can’t share globally…. please help me….. Now i am in the second year but this time i feel like i am again going to be fail my exams and this time if i fail, my dad gave me serious warning not to come home, do whatever you want to do with your life…. BUT DON’T COME HOME….. I really want to die but on the other hand i think of my mother and stop thinking about it but day by day the thought of dying is getting heavy on me….. PLEASE HELP ME………….

    • says

      Shivkumar, I don’t know what I can do to help you other than to tell you to call someone where you live. AND seek some sort of counselling.

      Life goes on, you know, and things WILL get better.

  100. wale says

    I don’t want to leave my parents and siblings behind but I can’t stop thinking about killing myself. I feel like I have got no future. I used to be happy but it all went away when I came back to Africa to renew my visa and got denied to go back to the us. Most nights I stay up to think about my future but I never see one its like I seize to exist and there is no happy ending. I’m tired of taking antidepressants. I wish I was alone with no parents or siblings I would have left this world a long time ago.

  101. unknown says

    hi everyone, i typed what i was thinking, and this page popped up! I haven’t read any of the replies, but from taking a quick look i realized that i would to leave a reply somebody in this word will at least see it if not read it.. so here it goes.. i wouldn’t kill myself yet! but the thought sure crossed my mind. its seems like everyone has problems so telling mine isn’t gonna make much difference, instead I’m gonna say thank you to whoever reads my reply, it just tells me that even if none is there for me this second and this place, there will be someone in this world that would care to listen. thank you all… i hope everyone finds a way out of there problems, just remember no problem is worth your life,, the biggest problem will be resolved and go away eventually, but you can’t replace your life.. everyone here needs to watch a comedy movie or listen to a good song .. your the one who needs to take the first step into switching your life around ,, and it starts with a laugh… laugh at yourself if you have to, but once your laughing your living …

  102. Al says

    First of all, you are awesome. You are saving people’s lives through a blog comment section for free. Thank you for doing this.

    I am about to see a therapist, so please don’t feel pressured: I am a gay man who is attracted to only straight men. I am not closed to my family nor do I have many friends (due to a recent relocation and my personality).

    I would like to hear your option, I am scared that my upcoming therapist won’t work.

    Al

    • says

      Al, do you want to convert straight men? Why do you think you are attracted to ONLY straight guys?

      Have faith. Your therapist will help you sort this out.

      Take it easy!

  103. Mili says

    My whole life, I’ve been abused by my father. A few years back, my mother, her boyfriend, and my sister and I moved hoping to get away from that. I got bullied badly, and everyone hated me at school because I was different. I eventually dropped out because it got too much and started doing online courses. Now, I’m getting close to having a permit (mom refuses to take me to do the test so I have to find a way to get there myself) and trying to get into college and my mom won’t help me. No, in fact she even tells me she wished I would just die, that I eat too much, I’m worthless, going nowhere, etc. I have fucking nothing, and I’m tired of being pushed down. Its like, if there is a God, he’s punished my whole life for something I’ve never done. I just want to be at peace, happy. I want what other people have; loving families and friends. Ill never have that though, it seems. All I’ll ever have is trying to get past school and forcing myself to be happy. I can’t take this anymore… I just need someone.

    • says

      Mili, I feel for you. I hope writing this stuff out has helped you vent.

      I’m sending you a hug, too. I hope you feel better!

      Rely on no one. That way, you won’t ever be disappointed.

      This is good advice, and will make you stronger. Trust me. It did with me!

      HUGS!

  104. fernando perez says

    your story inspired me I love to write when Im feeling down I tried killing myself i failed 3 times and went to the hospital 3 times my depression has changed me and my family I wanted to talk to you more about my experience privately please email me
    [email protected]

  105. says

    I’m 50, I have a younger husband who,will turn 31 May 15. On March 4th I turned 50. My hubby kissed me, said love you, went to work.mhe game home from work 14 hrs later, said he hated me and wanted a divorce. He said horrible things to me, that I never knew he could, because in ten yrs he never had. I was devasted. He kept coming over, telling me no divorce, he just needed time. So I was giving it to him. Then he says he’s no longer friends with his friend Matt . So I worked up the courage to go over to Matts. Found out hubby went straight to his ex from before we met. She found his drinking, which he didn’t do in the ten yrs we were together, and kicked him out…he went straight to a different girls place, matts brothers, girlfriend. Only problem is we live in a very very small town. Everyone knows he’s there. I had no job when he left. He left with a 1000 owed to utilities, 500 overdrawn at bank, no mortgage paid, no,hot water in kitchen, no furnace, three dogs who I’d die without . Now I’m losing everything, I’ve never succeeded at anything. I’m currently on celexa, and Xanax. Now I’ve been diagnosed as diabetic, liver disease. Poor kidney function. It’s all coming down on me at once. I stopped taking all my mess but celexa and Xanax. Just want to die..tried once, he found me, he didn’t care. It makes me want to do it more…only thing stopping me is my dogs and my fear it won’t work like the first time.

    • says

      Barb, first of all, no man is worth killing yourself over. Secondly, your dogs need you! Finally, your health issues can be dealt with. We all have ’em, just different ones. I nearly lost my leg in an accident and I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disease. I have asthma, and weight issues, too. But you learn to deal with things, and life goes on. There is no point in dwelling on the past; look towards the future! You never know what wonderful things it can bring!

      Best of luck to you, Barb!

  106. John says

    Hello,I’m glad to hear how you overcomed the thought of suicide despite what you have been through.Lately,I have been thinking of killing myself.I suffer from chronic ezcema and it really affects me in my everyday life.Its really bad right now and I hate to see how horrible my skin looks and how people give me weird looks because of it.I feel like killing myself is the best option.I know that will stop my suffering of this disease.I do not know how else to treat it.I have done multiple options and it does not seem to work. 🙁

  107. D. says

    Pretty Embarrassed about how I’m feeling. I wouldn’t mind talking about it if it didn’t immediately make me either an pussy or a problem. Sooo much easier to just smile and say something safe. Life sucks NOW and I know it’s temporary but I fucked up my life and am going no where fast. I really hate myself at times. I have no family and honesty would destroy my only friendship. I don’t know what to do and I always feel like crying even though I really shouldn’t. I feel as though I’m my worst enemy, I sabotaged my life, and I’m not ever going to be happy. I distracted myself for a while now. Be better, athletically and academically but I don’t even care anymore. I can run and read Voltaire all day but its not making feel like a better person anymore. Super cynical about ever being someone I can respect. What do you do when you understand whats wrong but still cant stave off self loathing?

  108. Ivana says

    Hi , I don’t know what should I do …..
    Last summer I found out that my mum had Bone Marrow Cancer. She told me it’s gonna be okay after she takes the chemo and goes to London for the transplant. After 3 weeks of chemo she had a big stoke. This was last year 19th August . The thing is I have a father but he never noticed my in my life , He always gives me money and everything I needed but we never talked you don’t even notice that he’s my father he has no respect towards me. I have a brother that says the same thing but he is 18 and left home. When I used to get good grades or something he never said nothing. Now i finding it very difficult to do something in life since my mother is have paralyzed can’t talk and do absolutely nothing.

    I don’t know what to do I don’t even know why am I righting this stuff. He calls me names , he embarrass me in front of people and my own family. My family knows about this and no support or anything. I don’t have real friends. The only supporters in my life are some of the teachers and my coach. When this happened I had friends and they just went away. By the way I’m only 15 years old. My life is torn apart . The only two things I do to feel better or something is play music and sleep allot because when I sleep I dream about my mother back to normal and her talking to me nothing ells.

    I want to kill myself every time when I hear my fathers voice , I see myself in the mirror, when i wake up in the morning practically everyday . I don’t know what to do in my life anymore the only thing in my mind is to kill myself.

    • says

      Ivana, do you think your mom would approve of you killing yourself? Even though she’s had a stroke (so sorry, by the way), I’m sure she would want you to rise above all these obstacles and power through the negativity you face so that you can eventually make something of yourself.

      I know it’s tough, but girl, you have to do it…

      And speak up when you’re embarrassed. Each time. Eventually he’ll stop!

  109. Nina says

    My parents don’t trust me at all. My dad clearly said I don’t trust you and I will never again. This is because my whole life I had been a perfect angel child and then I told one little white lie. Now he is freaking out. I am in my room right now crying and looking up what to do when you want to kill yourself because my own parents don’t trust me and they probably won’t ever again.

    • says

      Nina, being honest might be tough to do all the time, but honesty really IS the best policy. In time, your parents will forgive you and trust you again! I’m sure of it!

      How are you feeling today?

  110. Zachary M Olson says

    I was just a baby when my mother tried to kill me by drowning me in the bath tub. She stopped after she came to her senses and she took my sister and me to the local police station and they took us away and put us in foster care. growing up i always hated everyone, when i was 6 I was raped by my Christian Pastor, then when i was 8 I was Raped by my best friend and finally when i was 12 I was raped at school in front of the girl that I had a crush on, and 3 other girls and then because i didnt defend myself against my assulters. she never spoke to me again then she told the whole school that i was gay and then I transfered. When I was 14 I was placed in a foster home where i was locked in the garage and treated like a pet only fed dog food and I had to learn how to steal food to survive. my sister was also placed in the same foster home that i was in and she was paid not to say a word to the DHS and she agreed. once i turned 18 I got some contact from my father saying that since i turned 18 I would get tribal money, so My currnet councleor and I concludded the only reason they got back in contact with me was because they wanted the money i was getting. and now that i am 20 in 1 year i’ll be getting a huge amount of money and my family just today said to me over the phone when i get home they are sending me to jail because of an over drafted bank account I didn’t even know it was over drafted because my father had been hiding the mail from me so i would not get any notifications from the bank telling me that i was over drafted. So can anyone tell me why I should not kill my self and i dont give a crap about the nonsense of people would miss me because everyone hated me.

    • says

      Wow. You sure have had a lot of bad things happen to you, Zachary. 🙁 I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through so much crap.

      I think you’re old enough now to realize that NONE of these things mean it’s the end of the world for you. You can still do something wonderful with your life. Don’t be so hard on yourself! I’m sure you have some friends, don’t you? Prove everyone wrong and do something unexpectedly wonderful!

  111. Sam says

    I am having a very hard time and thinking about killing myself. I tried two weeks ago when I took almost a whole bottle of sleeping pills. I had about the same reaction as you did. I panicked and threw it up. I felt stupid and thought I would never do that again. But here I am, upset again, feeling like I keep messing up. I just want this pain to be over. Someone please help me. I don’t want to do this, but my thoughts are scaring me and it’s hard to control them.

    • says

      Sam, I know how you feel. Helpless. Alone. Depressed. Hopeless. Terrified. I’ve been there.

      You need to speak to someone on a professional level. Call a suicide hotline in your area. They’ll direct you to more help.

      Please, just do it. You can’t get over this by yourself. You need help! And help IS OUT THERE. But you need to take the first step.

      Go on, take it. Now. Before you chicken out!

  112. adam says

    Wow were can i begin im a father of two lil kids depression is in my family but i still dont know how to cope even gone as far as thinkin they would be better off with out me i feel/know my wife will be happier i just over coment my self toeverybody and nobodys here for me i have nobody to talk to i cant get the time of day from anyone ive even got to the point of thanking my self for things cause i know im alone or sayin i love u to make self just need to have sombody that is there for me before its to late its just been to long and to hard by myself just wish one day ONE DAY ill be normal again or gone thx for the space to text

  113. Rose says

    We migrated to another country and i have no friends here. I am so depressed i hurt myself when somebody makes me angry. I really want to die. I cant be at peace here.

  114. Shoeman says

    I’m 42 years old and have suffered with depression since I was a teenager. I have been kicked out of my house and I am now getting a divorce. I have a five-year-old girl and a three-year-old boy. I have suffered with addiction most all of my life. I used it to mask the pain of my depression. I’m on welbutrin and Klonopin. I’ve been an alcoholic for 10 years straight. I’m 50 days sober and I’m miserable. I do not miss the alcohol but I want to die. I told my therapist about the alcoholism and she wanted me to go to rehab. I don’t need rehab. I need to not want to kill myself. I’m starting to have these urges so strongly that I don’t think I can fight them much longer. It seems inevitable and I don’t know what to do. I am genuinely not afraid to die, I actually welcome it. But I fear what it will do to my family. The urge to die is starting to dominate and the fear is diminishing.

    • says

      Shoeman, it’s tough getting sober, so give yourself time to go through all of the stages of new sobriety. You ARE going to feel like crap. You ARE going to endure feelings you’ve never felt before.

      Listen to your therapist. Get more help. It sounds like you need it!

  115. Tina says

    I’ve been divorced for 2 years. He had an affair. 2 children (3 and 5 now), one of which is autistic. I recently filed for bankruptcy, had to drop out of grad school, my job is good some days/not so good others.
    Mutual friends with the ex offer “fair weather” support. I have thought of suicide several times. My kids are the only reason I haven’t. I just want to escape. The ex is emotionally abusive to me.
    I almost can’t take it anymore!!!!

  116. Feeling nothing says

    I think about killing myself everyday. I have had depression for almost four years. I have had some ups but way more downs. I was bullied my entire life. From grade 3-10. I have been to 4 different schools to try to get away from it. I have had adults tell me that it was my fault that I got bullied. The bully’s made friends with the few friends I actually had and turned them against me. In grade 9 I was sexually assaulted. I went over to a boys house to hangout and he pinned me down and started talking my clothes off. I was too weak to push him off. He proceeded to try to sexually assult me. I never told anyone because he made me feel like it was my fault.After that I could not sleep on my own and had to use sleeping pills to sleep. I still use them to this day. In grade 10 I met a boy and he told me that he loved me and I thought finally someone was on my side. We dated for a year and a half and he took my virginity. I later found out he had been cheating on me the entire time with many other girls. I sacrificed many things to be with him including my parents trust in me. I fell deeper into my depression and spent 3 nights in the hospitals crisis ward. In grad 11 I had a boy who said he wanted to be with me and would always be there for me. He was my best friend or so I thought. I later found out that he told my schools football team that he just wanted to get into my pants. Again I fell deeper into my depression. Now in grade 12 i found a boy who liked everything I liked and seemed like the perfect match for me. we started dating and later we had sex. After that he started acting distant and he dumped me the weekend after we had sex. I know this is all just my bad decisions. But I can’t take it anymore. I have tried to kill myself twice before. Once with pills, i just slept for 15 hours and then woke up feeling sick. And again with a knife but I wasn’t brave enough to stab myself. I just want to end it all. I am so fucked up from everything. I am afraid to be in my own head because it’s just so dark and deadly. My friends are always busy and don’t understand. Another friend killed himself 2 weeks ago and I am starting to think he had the right idea. Just more guts then me. I want out. No one understands. And no one cares. I don’t feel anything anymore. I am just empty. I went on Meds for my depression and I just felt numb. So a year ago I took myself off them. I just want out. I am done. I can’t do it anymore. Everyone I have ever loved leaves me. I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve to live.

    • says

      You DO deserve to live, but you don’t deserve to live with this amount of psychological pain. No one does… except maybe all the rapists and pedophiles out there!

      I highly suggest you get yourself into see a counsellor of some kind. And continue talking about what you went through, to anyone who’ll listen.

      I know how you feel, but, in time, you WILL heal.

  117. zachary says

    Hi my name is Zachary and I’m very serious about think to end my life….. I want to go get my knife and cut my throat

  118. John says

    Faagier gets it wtf is really the point in pretending to be happy wen ur missing that one person that actually makes u happy everyday is a constent struggle but why wen it doesnt have to be

      • Faagier says

        Today is my anniversary, which I was so excited about. Got up this morning in a better mood, ready to celebrate the “special day”, but it was all for nothing. My mood was instantly changed when I saw a picture of this guy on her phone. Ans the best part is that she got upset with me, cos I was upset. Its always easy for some one to say move on, but I can’t help the way I feel for this woman. I can see that its destroying me, but I just can’t get myself to leave. Instead I get this overwhelming feeling just to end the pain, end the misery. I have tried and done everything possible to gain back her love, but it has all been invain. I feel that killing myself is the best option for us all. I won’t have anymore pain, it will stop

        • says

          John, it’s not. I just didn’t know what to say to you. I also wanted to see if you are still here. Good to see you are!

          However, as an editor, it pains me to see so many spelling errors!

          Yeah, I need to lighten up. As do you.
          I hope you’re feeling better today.

  119. Faagier says

    my situation is this. I have been married for 12 years, 13 tomorrow. we have some difficulties in our maraige especially towards the end of 2014. Long story short, my wife cheated on me with another man. I was devistated when I found out. a few months later and we are stilll together. I proclaim my love for her every day, but she don’t feel the same for me. We have moved, but she remains in contact with this guy till today. I just feel that the best thing for me to do is to kill myself. the pain I have to experience on a daily basis is just too much to bare. I can’t…I’m tired of pretending that everything is ok, I’m too hurt, too broken. I feel that killing myself is the best thing to do

    • says

      I don’t think that is a good solution at all, sorry to say. I know you’re hurting. If your wife no longer loves you, leave her. Find someone who will.

      There are many fish in the sea, as they say!

      Besides, do you really want to stay with someone when love is only one-sided? I know I wouldn’t.

  120. Stephen Ulrich says

    I’ve wanted to commit suicide several times I don’t want to say why cause it hurts to talk about but you can probably guess I overdosed as well and felt dizzy then I tried to suffocate myself using a blanket I also put a belt around my neck and tightened it real tight then took it off because I didn’t know if heaven or hell existed and were the fuck I would end up. I tried sleeping for a long time also hoping I wouldn’t wake up hit my head a few times maybe that’s how I became so stupid I didn’t want to breathe but I ended up breathing I cut myself thinking that I would die of blood loss true story cut my chest felt like a moron you know suicide is not the right choice yet you do it because you have a burden in your life some people told me I just wanted attention maybe they thought I was a copy cat because my sister almost died two years ago from LSD that wasn’t the case I was depressed had been for a long time when it came to good moments however I couldn’t let people down I had to make an impression people at my school realized that I was quiet and they would ask what was wrong and I would always say I am fine or they would ask how are you coin and I would say I’m doing good when in reality I wasn’t I hope I find hope and don’t commit suicide sometimes I don’t know why I do certain stupid things I know right from wrong but can act very stupid sometimes my mom says I have aspbergers which I’ve been made fun of for that all I know is that I am human like everybody else but haven’t always been treated as such I’ve been blamed for many things I didn’t do been told I was a lier when I tried to recount abuse that I had suffered and anybody who goes through that knows that it is almost impossible to get out of I want to enjoy life but can’t it sucks I want to be successful and conquer the world but when you go through something horrible it is very difficult please help people have tried to give me motivation but has been from the wrong crowd of people I just want to have fun after all that is what life is about right jesus

    • says

      Stephen, I wish you didn’t feel the way you do, but actually, your feelings are quite normal.

      Life is going to throw a lot of tough situations at you, but they are designed to build strength of character.

      My advice? Be grateful for what you have and find something to believe in. Defining your spiritual beliefs will help you get through life… and maybe even help you answer some of the questions you have about death and whether or not there is a heaven or hell.

      Oh, and because I’m a writer and an editor, I’d love to see you reply in complete sentences! LOL 😉

  121. John says

    I commented here a while ago because im depressed about my soul mate leaving me. its nearly been a year since losing her and i’ve not got better i’ve got worse i cant live without her and am tired a wanty give in so bad its pathetic really bt unless any of u have loved someone unconditionally please dnt judge me:/

    • says

      John, it sure sucks when you lose someone you love. I know. I’ve been there. And it nearly killed me, too.

      I’m sorry you’re in so much pain!

      I’m at a loss for words, but feel free to write more in another comment! Sometimes venting helps.

  122. Aaron says

    Knowing the day is over and I can finally sleep makes me happy. Smoking makes me happy, it’s like it flips a switch in my brain that allows me to feel emotions I thought I was no longer capable of.

    I used to enjoy video games, movies, and reading, but it seems like nothing I do brings me happiness anymore… I’m happiest when I hang out with friends but it’s only because I have to put up a mask around them. They know I’m struggling but if I let how I feel control how I acted around my friends I wouldn’t have any friends. Unfortunately that seems to be the only situation I can apply that logic to because I’m incredibly unhappy for every other part of my day.

    • says

      Oh, Aaron, it’s too bad that you’re so down in the dumps. I wish I could make things better for you.

      The only thing I can say right now is be happy your mom is not a drug-addicted prostitute who gambles the rent money away.

      That was what my son had to deal with when he was 19. He hated me so much he moved out and would not speak to me for 3 years.

      It wasn’t until I stopped everything and nearly died that we ended up talking again. (If you want the full story, read this: http://wordingwell.com/my-true-story-about-how-i-nearly-died/.)

  123. Aaron says

    I’m so tired.

    My name is Aaron and I’m 19.

    My whole life up until high school I was homeschooled, other than Kindergarten and 6th grade. I was a fairly happy kid, until I finished 6th grade and we moved to Florida with my grandmother. She just died this year actually, that was 2007.

    Before I lived with her, I really only knew her from the packages she sent to us (my brother and I). Full of HESS trucks and various other toys. I quickly learned she was a major narcissist. She commanded my older brother around like he was nothing and treated my parents like shit. The only life form other than herself that she really cared about was her dog. Anyways, it was an awful time. I don’t recall being schooled at all while I was in Florida. My brother was cursing my grandmother even when she was on her death bed.

    Then we moved to Ohio to live with my cousins. It wasn’t the best time of my life but it wasn’t the worst like Florida. My aunt and uncle are loaded. We lived with them for a while, then they rented us their old house nearby. You know, as if they needed the money. I started going to high school while we lived in that house. I didn’t really adjust to social interaction until sophomore year when I made a few pretty good friends. I don’t talk to any of them anymore, but they made high school bearable. I was depressed since Florida, but this is where my anxiety was introduced. Expectations on me were higher than ever and all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and escape the world (not in the same way I want to escape it right now).

    I started counseling which seemed to help a bit. My main problem was motivation. Effort was awarded instead of knowledge. I was the “smart kid” (along with my best friend at the time) but it didn’t matter a single bit because I didn’t have the energy to do any homework.

    Somehow I made it to college even though the end of my senior year was a mess. I only applied to one place, I missed the deadlines for the others. Motivation thing like before, I just didn’t get any applications filled out. I was expected to compete with others to get into a good college but I don’t have a competitive spirit.

    First semester was cool. I met my best friend. Made As and Bs.
    Second semester was a bit worse. I had to withdraw from math because of my motivation issues, too much is expected out of me.
    Third semester. I move in with my best friend. I catch pneumonia which puts me in the ER. I’m unable to catch up in my classes and eventually stop going. I thought I was out of my depression at this point and it comes back and hits me in the face full swing.
    This semester. Two weeks in and I lose motivation to go to class. The school took my best friend away from me because he wasn’t good enough for them. At this point I’m tired of both my friends and I suffering. I withdrew from all my classes and now I’m going back home.

    I see my friends who aren’t in school struggling to get jobs. Not even just my friends. There’s so much suffering in the world, and I don’t even experience the worst of it because I live in a first world country. I’ve been on three anti-depressants and none of them have worked. Weed helps but it’s taboo and illegal in most places (because Mexicans decided they liked smoking it, and the government decided they’d be racist. Isn’t that fucking grand?), and I can’t be high all the time.

    Not to mention, since college began I’ve been feeling awful about women. No one will grant me so much as to even go on a date with me. Yeah, I’ve never even been on a fucking date. A lot of people like to blame women but I’m convinced I’d have the same luck if I were gay. It’s not like I haven’t tried. But now I can’t even try anymore because I’m so scared of rejection after having experienced it so many times.

    I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been suffering for upwards of seven years now. Even if things “get better” they just fucking get worse again. I don’t want to continue. I don’t want to try another stupid fucking anti-depressant. People say it’s me that needs to change, but is it really? I don’t want to go into the real world and compete for jobs and money. But there’s no option for people like me. I didn’t ask to be born, and yet I’m not allowed to die. No one wants me to die but no one wants to help me live.

    I see you in the comments telling people to write what they’re thankful for, things like that. I’m in way too dark of a place for that to work. I’ve tried therapy and heard similar things, it doesn’t work for me. I need things to change, OTHER things, not me, I have changed and it didn’t work. I tried to adjust. Life doesn’t play along.

    • says

      Hey, Aaron, I’m at a loss for what to say to you, as you don’t seem to want to even try any of the suggestions I have — although I must compliment you for at least reading through some of the comments to see what advice I’ve doled out so far.

      I can’t help you to live, but I cannot urge you kill yourself either.

      I can say that I’d go out on a date with you if you were here, and if I was twenty years younger, and maybe 100 pounds lighter… 😉

      Other than that, all I can do is simply tell you that I’m here if you feel like venting again. I reply to all comments left for me, am a genuinely nice person, and have been through hell and back again a few times.

      I know life can suck. Badly. But we somehow have to find things that make us happy.

      Can you tell me a few things that make you happy, Aaron?

  124. Josee says

    Hi Lorraine,

    ..Do you know what to do when you want to commit suicide and no one cares around ? My mother doesn’t understand and is not connected to any emotions. She is not even interested in knowing why. My friend always says that he cares, but if I tell him that I feel alone and sad, he can disappear for a few days without calling me. His actions are not connected to his words. I am 38 years-old. Completely alone. I am trying to stay strong but if I sit and think about all those people who should care about me and who are not there for me, my suicidal ideas are strong.

    Thank you Lorraine,

    Josee

    • says

      Josee, sometimes you have to be your own best friend.

      I heard this once, and found that it’s actually good advice to be a friend to yourself.

      A funny example is when you run out of toilet paper (or something else) and HAVE a backup in storage to replace it. I’d always thank myself for being awesome enough to keep myself stocked up.

      Relying on yourself is the lesson here. Not everyone will be there for you — you have to be there for yourself!

      Try applying this philosophy to your life, and see how much you can improve your mood by doing so. Be the best friend you can be! You’ll be the one reaping the rewards. 😉

      Can you try this, Josee, and then let me know how it goes?

  125. 13andbroken says

    Help me! I want to want to end my life so bad, My dad died when I was 2, my best friend’s dad died, when I was 11 (who was my roll model), and one of my friends 6 year old brother who I never met, died from bone cancer when he was 6. And the thing that makes want to die is that my mom constantly yells at me, I have a fever, sorry suck it up! I get the flu, I don’t want to hear that shit anymore. She treats my older brother so nicely, never yells at him. And me all she does is yell, and occasionally treat him to a pair of jeans. She calls me a spoiled a brat, calls herself perfect. And she treats my little brother like shit! Even though we fight. (because he is 12 and is going through hormones same with me:/) I still refuse to let my mom think for a second that it is okay for her to do that. I missed a week of school from the flu, and I missed a lot of work. And so I have zeros for lots of grades, and I have anxiety, and ADD, and I panic and hyperventilate over the silliest things! Try to tell her, and she says cut the drama! She ignores me all the time, and thinks it a huge deal that I have zeros in my grade book from being absent. Then I work my ass off to fix them, and what happens? I get yelled at for getting 2 more zeros (from my crappy computer crashing!) and my teacher not fixing my grades. And that is not all… In my grade all the girls are bitches except for one girl which is Cassidy Ann Downey. She was bullied all her life because she is 4’2 in the 8th grade! I go to a private school, and I should add that the education is 2 grades behind the public school rank at 23 in the schools of Harris County!! We have had to go on lock down 3 times since November! The freakin’ school is in the Ghetto! I have an Aunt that is rich and used to throw these Christmas parties with roller coasters, famous country singers, and all free food, so everyone would act like my best friend, so I would invite them (because only a certain amount of people get to go) and then they ditch me and bully me for the rest of the year. I never can sleep because of my anxiety of the stupidest things! I try talking to my mom and she just yells at me. Then I try to explain my problems to her and she says I do not care right now and you are making that up and I do not have time to deal with you today. She sends me up to my room, and makes me stay there for the whole day, and if it the weekend the next day too. She does not give me food either. I have trouble paying attention because if my folder is not neat then I cannot concentrate on anything but that. My teachers say Addie is your meds working? Or you should go to a professional because you seem like you have OCD. But they do not say it rude. I want to kill myself so bad, but the only things stopping me is anxiety about what is Cassidy going to do, (because I am the only girl in my school that likes her and she has no idea) what is going to happen to my little brother? Also did I mention that I have found boxes of cigarettes in my moms purse and alcohol (rum, vodka, and scotch) hidden behind things in the pantry or laundry room, or in the china cabinet? I know she has a drinking problem, but she calls herself perfect. She is always disappointed in me everytime I make a decision that is not what she wants to happen. And everything is always my fault!!! I am sorry that I wrote so much, but I need help!!! I also am scared that killing myself will hurt. I am scared that I won’t go to heaven and see my dad, but I will go to hell because I killed myself. I also am a Christian, but am falling away from it like it is butter. I just get thoughts that I cannot get out of my head about how God is unfair, and doesn’t love me and hates me. But all the bible talks about and the pastor is that God loves you. 90% of my life, I have to reassure myself, and cry myself to sleep. My step dad was a terrible person, he spanked me, but yet he still was nice enough to get out of his bed and come up to my room and hug me and say I am sorry, unlike my mom who tells one of my brothers to go and tell me that she is sorry while she lays in bed and watches The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Every time I try to tell her that my problems in school are not about self control, or that i need help she says, Addie shut the f up! And stop acting like a bitch! Pleas help me now! I almost did today, but I stopped my self! I cannot live with my mom anymore it is making my thoughts about suicid more and more and more serious and strong. And the only way that can totally keep me from killing myself is music. That is my life, I love music!! I want to die so that i cannot feel this anymore! I just want to die!! Heaven sounds perfect and I will not ever have to see that bitch who is my mom.

    Oh yeah PS: My older brother is my mom and dad that died when I was 2 only Blood son. And me and my little brother are adopted biological siblings. from a mom who was 17. I was never at an orphanage though.

    • says

      It’s okay that you wrote so much; you needed to vent. I understand. I’ve been there, and it’s rough. I don’t envy you.

      But I do think you should rid your home of your mom’s “stash” and tell Cassidy about your feelings for her.

      Taking these two steps will change your life!

      It’s good, too, that you’ve never had to live in an orphanage, and that you DID feel love from your step-dad.

      Finding the positives is hard to do, but try every day to find 3 things you’re thankful for. Write them down before you go to bed.

      Over a week or so, you’ll find your mood start to change.

      Can you try that, Adeline, and let me know how it goes?

      Also, I’m here if you feel like writing more! 🙂

      ~Lorraine

  126. Kayla Shawfield says

    I am 13 years old and the oldest of four children. It honestly sucks! Everyday it’s the same thing, go to school, come home, do hmwk, do chores, and that’s before my parents are home. When my mom gets home I go from happy to miserable. She will make me do everything she doesn’t feel like doing, and call me a jackass because I didn’t do something right. I try so hard to make her proud but all she says is cool or I don’t care right now. It’s like I don’t even exist. My brother is 7, and my two sisters are 3 and 5. I have so many responsibilities when it comes to them. Give them a bath, make them supper, do their laundry, help them clean their rooms, and all of the stuff that I have to do on top of that. I hardly ever get a thank you from my mom if at all. My dad is nice enough to say thank you though. My brother who is 7, always lies about me or something that I did, and gets me in trouble with my mom. I stand up for myself and tell her that I didn’t do or say whatever he makes up, but she just calls me a lying, sneaky bitch and sometimes slaps me. She also threatened to knock me out. I don’t want my mom to get in trouble or anything but I’m just giving examples of how badly she treats me and makes me feel. I have tried praying that someone or something will kill me, I have also tried drowning myself, stabbing myself, suffocating myself, running away from home, etc. but I just can’t. Every time my life seems great, my mom comes along and ruins it. She won’t listen to me or anything! I am sorry to say it but I HATE her!!! She makes me want to kill myself! Why does she do this to me!? How can I make it stop without killing myself!?

    • Missy Karan says

      Trust me Kayla, things will get BETTER! Don’t kill yourself! Please! You only have to live with your mom for a few years until you graduate, and then you are free! Your mom loves you, WAYYYY more than you think. I make all sorts of mistakes when it comes to my children. I am often very harsh or strict like your mother is. As far as the difference in treatment between you and your brother goes, he is 6 years younger than you, therefore making him seem more innocent to your parents. As dumb as it sounds, it’s very true. My 3 year old gets away with everything, whereas my 11 year old gets in trouble. You have a long life ahead of you, don’t end it here. If you truly need someone to talk to, I will be on this site as often as possible. You said that you prayed for someone to kill you, so you know Jesus right? If so, say a prayer tonight. I will say one for you every night. Let me know how you are doing. If you think no one loves you, remember that Jesus does. He is the one person who will never stop loving you unconditionally. Stay, don’t soar with the angels yet. They will come to you when The Lord is ready for you.

    • says

      Kayla, speak to your mom and let her know how you’re feeling, and remind her that HER children are HER responsibility, not yours. It’s okay to have you help or pitch in, but, really, she should be doing more for all of you.

      Speak to your guidance counsellor and teacher(s), too. They’ll know how to better advise you.
      Just remember to be completely honest with them.

  127. kate says

    I am trying my hardest not to kill myself right now but it is getting harder every day. My first husband committed suicide when my children were younger and I went on with life, remarried and though I was ok. But I am not. I have caused so many problems for my children that they no longer speak to me and my heart breaks every day because they were my world. They are in their 20’s and I admit I screwed up things, I lied to try to make things better when I should have just told the truth because once you lie you have to keep lying. The only reason I see them at all is because my mother lives with me but they walk right past me without a word. My two oldest have already told me they want nothing to ever do with me ever again. To the point that at Christmas they never opened their presents and left them here.

    I have tried talking to therapist and medication but nothing works. The pain overwhelmes me more every day to the point where I don’t even want to get out of bed and all I do is cry. I have no friends at all not a single person to call for help. It just hurts. I hate when people say it will get better — it won’t — and I have tried to apologize for all my mistakes. When they were little, I did everything I could to make their lives as happy as I could and sacrificed all I could. Now I am just so tired of the pain, tired of crying. Just so tired. The only reason I havent killed myself yet is because I need to take care of my mother. I am sure there are people with problems much bigger than mine but how do you go on when the people you love the most want nothing to do with you. I would rather die soon than die alone and unloved.

    • says

      Kate, first of all, I get how you feel. I also think it’s great that you are taking care of your mom!

      Think about how your hubby’s suicide affected you and your kids. Do you really want to put them through that again? Do you want to put your MOM through the pain of losing her daughter???

      I want to tell you to stop feeling selfish, but that’ll just hurt you more. But maybe you need a wake-up call. Sometimes you end up living life for others, not youself…

      Like me… I didn’t want to put my son through the pain of having no one. He was my saving grace.
      Now, years have passed, and things HAVE gotten better.

      They will for you, too, Kate. Have faith.

      If nothing else, stick around for your mom. I’m sure she loves and appreciates you, even if your ungrateful children don’t.
      Focus on what you HAVE instead of what you don’t have. That’s what I do. It works, eventually!

      And I’m always here if you need to vent… or need a hug.

      Sending hugs!

  128. No better says

    Hey there. Read your post and it calmed me down a little… But I’m fed up. I’ve had depressed/anxious/suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager. Everyone told me it’s get better. That it was a phase i would grow out of. That living on my own would help. Well here I am, almost 30, living away from my parents and with my husband who cares about me a lot., and it’s honestly worse than ever. I’ve seen 5 or more therapists (lost count now) and tried every fucking supplement under the sun. At best I seem to get 3 weeks of abatement of these feelings, and then they come back with vengeance. I tried antidepressants some years ago and had horrible side effects and am really not interested in trying them again. I take great care of myself, and this awfulness persists. Tonight I’ve been on the losing end of some very selfish conversations with loved ones, where they’ve made me feel really awful about my life without even trying to. These people are just living happy and carefree lives, and I am trapped in some really crappy circumstances that I can’t find a way out of. Now here I am feeling really bad about my life and thinking once again about hanging myself. I stuck it out for so many years, grasping onto the lie that it would get better. And here I am half my life later and feelings worse than I ever imagined possible. I don’t know why I’m writing this here. I guess I just feel like I have nowhere else to go.

    • says

      Hey, I hear ya. Life can suck. I know; I’ve been there — you read my post, you know.

      I can tell you that things DO get better. Seriously, they do.

      I am always here to listen to you rant, too. 😉 Feel free to let it all out! Writing is cathartic for many people and I’m glad you felt a bit better — or at least a bit calmer — after reading about my suicide attempt.

      I wish you the best, my unknown friend.

  129. Also anon says

    Hi Lorraine, prepare to be shocked and mortified.
    About eight years ago I started seeing a guy I used to date a few years earlier when I was about 13 (I am now 28). I knew he was mean but I still went back to him and pursued a 6 year relationship with him. Only two weeks maybe into our relationship he kicked me out of the car and tried to run me over. I fell and he almost got me with the car. He got out, all sorry sorry sorry and crying. I stayed. I was strangled to near unconsciousness, dragged by my hair, thrown around, threatened with kitchen knives, I was made to hate my family and friends. Two years and I fell pregnant with our first child. All is a bit blurry now, there were some ok moments but then there were scary, emotionally draining moments. I then had a second son One year and three days later then a daughter two years after that. He used to say he wanted our first son, he didn’t want our 2nd and 3rd children, I did. Not him. When my daughter was small, not even rolling over yet, he chased me around the house with a large kitchen knife and told me to go to the bedroom. He was going to rape me anally. With both my sons in the room. I plead to close the door but to no avail. He did not rape me this day, but these images will forever be with my son, three years old at the time. I left him after this, police report and all. Then I went back to him, my pathetic soft side said I didn’t deserve any better anyway and he was the right one for me. Eventually, he raised his fist to me for the last time. Besides the births of my children this was the proudest moment of my life.
    I then proceeded to ruin my life and my children’s further on my own by abandoning my children and staying with my new partner. They were a burden on me, I felt ashamed of them they were different to my partners kids. Yes, I stayed to look after someone else’s kids and not my own. I left them with my mother, who I do not understand. She wouldn’t give them back when I asked. She wanted to keep them.
    I don’t know how to describe my parents. They were forced to marry, dads parents were catholic…. It was a loveless marriage and my three siblings and I got no support from them nor did they stand up for us or teach us how to stand up for ourselves. Despite what everyone says, I blame my parents for the way I am today. The way I think.
    I am pathetic, stupid, slow, selfish, rude, obnoxious, angry, lazy, naive, oblivious. Amongst a ton of other things. And I wish I was dead.
    And now I have convinced myself, quite comfortably that I do not want my children back. I love them but I do not like them. I have no control over anything, I have no control over them. No one listens to me. Do you know how frustrating that is?! I hate my parents. I don’t talk to my older sisters or younger brother. They don’t want to know me because of what I’ve done.
    I don’t know how to make myself feel any different and I don’t understand why I can abandon my beautiful children and not feel anything. I am ashamed of myself but I don’t care.
    I feel like I am making up excuses for myself, but I hate their father, I’d like to torture him to death. My children look like him talk, walk and act like him. I think I hate my kids because I hate their father.
    There. Why do I hate my kids? Because they’re like their father? Does that even make sense? Am I making it all up subconsciously to make myself feel better? I have no feelings but sad and angry. If I’m not sad and angry it’s because it’s pay day or I have house work under control and my partner and his kids are flowing with somewhat of a semi routine that gets flushed down the toilet every few days for a week or so. This is only minor parts of my story, I’m nearly at my wits end…… So tell me, WHY shouldn’t I kill myself?
    Thank you, if you took the time to ready pathetic joke of a story.
    I truely do appreciate it.

    • says

      Oh, I can relate to those feelings of not wanting your kids… I have one son, and he’s half Spanish (his biological father is Spanish). When he was a mere baby, his father and I fought a lot. My life was threatened, I was hit, I was mentally tortured, and I began to hate him. He threatened my son’s life, too.

      After I finally mustered up the courage and kicked him out and changed the locks, I felt better. But then, sometimes, I’d look at my son and all I could see was his father’s face. He looked so much like him! Dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin, the whole nine yards. Ugh.

      Fortunately, after a while, I learned to let go of my hatred. I learned to forget. I’ve had problems with my son for years, some my fault, some his. But now he is 24, nearly 25, and we have had a GREAT relationship for the last few years.

      Don’t beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. I think it’s normal, given your situation.

      Learn to let go of the pain. You’ll be so much happier if you do. You can’t change the past, but you CAN make the most of your future.

  130. Grace says

    I have no hope. I fully give up. I can’t do it anymore. I will kill myself in 2 days I swear once I’ve saved enough to buy plenty of beers. I’m writing this so that someone who is serious on suicide knows it’s not abnormal as everyone makes out. I’ve had a great life but I can’t take Anymore

  131. saddy says

    I feel like ending it all. I’ve been with my husband almost 16 years, married for 3. The first 8 or so year here was physical abuse, stupid me stayed..I had the chance to leave after the first time about a year in but didn’t. That opened the flood gates to more abuse. We have since had two children 7 and 3. The physical abuse has pretty much stopped though I’m still scared of it happening. The mental abuse is killing me…it used to be horrible..again it’s not as bad but it’s his impatience and not understanding of our financial situation that I hate. We can’t talk about anything. …background…for 14 of our 16 years together he hasn’t really worked or contributed and I have struggled to pay the bills and keep a roof over our head. He has since been working for 2 years fill time and decoded the last 3 or so months we should sell our house and try for another loan much more expensive. What he doesn’t realize is I have struggled to pay this mortgage in m u name on my own and failed many times. I can’t see a bank giving each me anything. .we have no savings in fact I struggle still to pay the bills and constantly am borrowing money here there and everywhere to me ends meet. I am 99 percent sure the bank will not give us money and more so I’m worried about the back lash. He is constantly reminding me of the shit mother I am and maybe 8 would be better off nicking myself. It makes me sad to think of my children and what they will miss our on without their mum but I just can’t take this anymore and I can’t leave him…he will never let me leave with the kids…

  132. Claudia says

    I’m 24 and I want to die. I don’t know what I am doing here. I’ve never really tried to kill myself, because I don’t want to suffer, and I don’t know how to take my own life without anybody noticing. I’m useless, I have never done anything with my life. I’m 24 and I don’t have money nor a job. I’ve never had a serious job, because I don’t know anything. I am alone, because I feel I’m weird and very different from all the people I know, when they say or do things that should be “normal” I feel like that doesn’t work with me, because I’m different, and even if that’s ok for me I feel completely alone. Nobody understands how I am and how I really feel. I’m 24 and I still live with my parents, who think I’m wrong because I like videogames and computers so much. My family has never had money, it’s always sad when someone asks me out and I can’t say yes because I have no money for a cinema ticket. I managed to finish my bachelor degree but I feel I didn’t learn a thing. I feel I’m stupid. If something bad happens, like a headache, my mother always says it is my fault for staring at my computer monitor so much time. According to her, I’m always wrong. I’ve been feeling like this since I was 15, when I realized I was alone and nobody cared about my. I still feel like nobody likes me because I’m weird and I don’t talk too much, people think I’m rude. When I was 16 I used to cry a lot for no reason. I don’t know if I have a depression, I just know I feel really bad. I feel my life is not worth the pain I have to go through. There is so much more pain than happiness. I have no money to seek for professional assistance. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to change. I want to go away from my family and never see them again. My younger sister is successful. She’s 22 and just graduated from college. She’s already working since last summer. Everybody thinks she’s smarter and more mature than me, and it hurts so much. Everybody thinks I’m a stupid teenager that will be pregnant someday soon, because they think I can’t take care of myself. I don’t care if I die in an accident or if I have an incurable illness. I don’t care what happens to me. I just want the pain to stop. My boyfriend can’t help me either. He thinks very different from me, and our relationship is hurting him, I am hurting him. I don’t want to hurt him anymore but he doesn’t want to let me go. He thinks I’m a coward for thinking of killing myself, he says I’m selfish because I would hurt the people around me. I think he is selfish, he says he can’t live without me, but I can’t even live with myself, I can’t just live to make him happy while I feel like dying inside. I know he means good, it’s just that we think different. He’s the best thing that has happened to me, but I don’t care. I don’t care about him nor anybody else. I just want to feel better. I want to feel I have talents or skills, that I’m smart and that I can do something with my life without any help. I’ll turn 25 soon and I’m scared. Everybody around me seems to have something that makes them happy. They have jobs and couples and talents. Why can’t I have those things too? I am a good person. I would never be able to hurt someone on purpose. I don’t like to see people suffer as I suffer. I don’t know what to do. I just sit at my room and cry every day, because I have no job nor anything else to do. I have no energy. When I was in college, from being a good student I started being lazy, I felt so depressed I didn’t want to do schoolwork. Now I don’t want to go out. I feel so lazy, so tired, so bored. I can’t tell my parents about this because they will not understand, I’m sure. I’m sure they think I’m a bad daughter, that I’m a disappointment. I have nothing and I’m scared. I’m sure if I die they’ll be better. They will spend no more money on me. If I can’t do anything with my life I will be better dead. I don’t know why I was born, but I wish I have never done it. I don’t know what to do. I’m tired of crying. I don’t know what to do. Sorry for my bad English, by the way.

    • says

      Claudia, do you get out of the house much? Try going for a walk each day.

      It seems like you are suffering from depression. Maybe visit your doctor, too.

      Talk to your parents about these feelings your having. Trust me, they will want to know what is going on with you.

      Video games have their place, but too much of a good thing is detrimental to your health. Try getting out more and getting fresh air. It’ll help.

      Let me know if you take any of my advice, please, as I want to know you’re okay. 🙂

      Lots of luck!

  133. Amber says

    Who has time to listen to my story? Boy do I have one to tell- but I won’t waste my time on you. I will not scream and yell. This story is simple, really. Quite short if you ask me. I only need a couple minutes. Enough to set me free. I walked a crooked line. It led me to my fate. That crooked line was long. It was filled with so much hate. I drank away my fears. And I stopped asking people why. Now things are getting better. I don’t sit around and cry. Things can still be hard sometimes. But I know I’m not alone. I’m in a place that gives me comfort.. But this place, it isn’t home. You may wonder what I mean. Or how I’m writing this. It’s because no one ever cared.. If I had a bit of bliss. Now that I am here no longer, people pretend to care.. But I just have one simple question.. If you did, why weren’t you there? Thanks for all the love you gave. I needed that and more. Now I’ll simply leave you, I don’t want to be a bore.

  134. Matt says

    Hi, I’ve been feeling suicidal lately, but its been really on and off. One day I’ll be suicidal, they next I’ll be fine. I took some tests, and think I’m bipolar. I’m not sure, and don’t want to go to the doctor because he’ll just write a prescription and ask for money. I can’t tell my parents either, I’m only 16, because they will most likely want to talk to me and take my to the therapist. I don’t like my therapist though, he’s a total hack. And I don’t want to talk to my parents about it because they annoy the hell out of me and I don’t want to talk to anyone about it anyways. But then I wonder, why am I telling you? Maybe it’s because you’ve been through this too and know how it feels.

    • says

      Matt, life for guys your age is rough enough, and to add being bipolar to the mix just makes things worse. However, left untreated, I fear for your safety and mental well-being. You DON’T know for sure what is wrong, and so it’s better if you actually go and get checked out by a certified doctor. Please do this… even if it means talking to your parents.

      You might not realize this, but your parents actually LOVE you… even if they don’t show it. Trust me. I’m a single mom. It was hard when my son was 16. God, was it ever! But we got through it. He knows I love him, and I always encouraged him to talk to me about his problems. He’s 24 now, and I’m 43. So I have life experience, and I know what I’m talking about. Being 16 is hard, and being a parent of a 16-year-old is hard, too!

      Talk to your parents, Matt. Trust me, in the long run, you’ll be glad you did.

      And I’m always here, if you ever need to vent or need a friendly shoulder to cry on. Okay?

  135. Evan says

    I’m 15 and I have been dealing with Depression on and off for 3 or 4 years and it’s only gotten worse…it feels like my world is caving in and like I can’t do anything right…I know that sounds cheesy but it’s true. My grades have fallen I can’t study I’m tired all the time and in reality I have no “friends” most of the people around me don’t like me my brother and sister hate me and give me a look of digust when I walk in the room. I’ve asked God for help but none has come, I know I’ll go to hell but I also know my family would be better off without me…I cause to many problems and I am a spoilt brat…I’m skinny, ugly, and short and most of all I don’t have the balls to kiss a girl, let alone hold her hand…and the funny thing is I was a mistake so why not just correct that mistake…yes I am on anti-depressants and am currently seeing a counselor. It helps but not enough.

    • says

      Evan, you are at the most awkward stage of life, my friend. Being 15 and male is NOT easy for anyone!

      My suggestion? Try finding or even creating a support group for teens so you can discuss your problems in an open forum. It’ll help.
      Also talk to some of your peers at schools — both male and female. They are all going through puberty and life changes, too.

      You are not alone!

  136. I always thought of committing suicide of the highest order even now. I just feel like committing it as fast as possible. It’s not my fault but my parents’s fault. My parents have failed to play their role on my life. This has lead to me suffering alot. I am in total depression. I have lost appetite to eat. My body has lost energy and it’s always shaking. My parents failed to provide me with education and am suffering so hard. I don’t have otherwise but to kill myself and leave them celebrate their best moment in life. I am a young promising kenyan who had a dream to change the lives of other poor citizens like me if i had enough education but all is in vain because my parents ruined my educational needs. Please help me. You can find me on +254706472649.

  137. Pained says

    Tonight i have held a knife to my wrists, taken loads of tablets out of the packet ready to take. I hurt so much physically and mentaly, i love my hubby to death, but he doesnt need me and i dont fit in with his family im always on the outside trying to look in. I have two children and although 1 i know will be fine happy and well looked after my my hubby, my oldest is from a previous relationship, 7 years of domestic violence and im really worried that when i go my oldest will have to live with his biological father. If i could guarentee that wouldnt happen id be dead already. I have not got 1 single friend and barely leave the house. Im just a waste of space, need to make room for somebody to come into this world who deservs to be alive and thats not me!!!!!!!!!

    • says

      Pained, you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and think of the millions of others in this world who have it harder than you do. Trust me, it’ll help. Are you homeless or starving or being raped daily? I doubt it.

      Buck up, girl.

  138. Just me says

    I have no money and no job I need to talk to someone before I kill myself. How do I find someone to talk too I’m sure it’s more then just being depressed. How do I find someone

    • says

      Look in the phone book in your city/town for a counsellor. Ask your doctor for a referral to see someone. Call a suicide hotline number. Do something positive to make a change.

  139. Just me says

    All of these people have a person or a thing that is keeping them from killing them selfs. I was reading these in hopes I could find something to hang onto. But I can’t come up with one thing. My family would be hurt but I’m sure as we are not close they would get over it. I haven’t seen my kid in years and she was so young in sure she wouldn’t remember. My dog is more loved then myself so he would be okay. I would say I should live for the job but don’t got one lol. I just have nothing at all to live for and living hurts so much more then this knife would. Wtf do I do I’m so ready to let go.. I guess in some way I don’t want to die or I wouldn’t be on here. But idk what to do I just fucked everything in my life up so bad. I’m guessing it’s too late anyway…….. Oooo happy days are here to stay …..

  140. stevekachur says

    I WANT TO DIE i dont understand all thos technology b.s. and i dont care about it or ME.
    Dont know how to proceed
    PLEASE HELP

  141. Sarah says

    I’ve wanted to kill myself for a while now. I’m 20 and I have a 2 year old daughter. I love her so much but it’s hard to cope with her. I’m certain if I died the only person who would miss me is her. Shes the reason I’m still here today but part of the reason I don’t want to be. No matter how much attention I give her she whinges almost all day she won’t sit in a pushchair so we don’t go out. I feel like my boyfriend doesn’t care about me. I’ve said many times I need help yet nothing. I think he is going to leave me, its stressful for him to have to cope with me crying and being angry all of the time so i think if he leaves it would be easier on him. I don’t really have family, I have my mother who cares more about social life, despite living about 5 minutes away I see her about once a week, and my sister who now doesn’t have time to talk when I try as she’s busy with work. I have to beg someone to take my daughter for a few hours a week so I can clean my house. I have no money im fat and ugly I’ve got no friends, only the ones who pretend to like you. My 21st is coming up and i asked if people would come to my house to celebrate and everyone said no. No one will ever do anything with me even if it’s for a half an hour cup of tea and someone to talk to. Everyone lies about why they can’t. I’ve told plenty of people im struggling and i want to die, I’ll get a message saying I’m here if you want to talk. But they never want to they never have time. They ignore my messages. Everyone ignores my cries for help.
    I’ve told my partners family I want to kill myself and they pretended to care for maybe 2 days maximum. I hardly ever leave the house i never get a minute to myself, I cry every day, ive tried cutting, I think almost every day how I can die but im too scared. I don’t want to leave my daughter without a mother. My partner works almost every day so I try so hard not to drink as I won’t do it around my 2 year old. I search on the Internet how you can die quickly. Not sure how I ended up here. I get angry often and smash things up. I don’t work but as my partner has a pay rise I won’t get benefits anymore so I will need a job, i’m dreading it, I’m nervous to work I hate speaking to people I think I have social anxiety. Last year i was close to my partners parents, then i became suicidal and i found a message on his phone telling my partner to ignore me and im doing it for attention. They never spoke to me again. I am so alone I want to die. I want everyone to feel bad for not giving a crap, when they see me dead on the floor I want them to know they were a part in this, for doing nothing. For every single person I’ve cried out to, for everyone who’s ignored me when I need them the most. I won’t be doing anything for attention when they are at my funeral, that’s if anyone would turn up. Maybe I should write a note before I go asking not to have a funeral? Or at least not a big one, if it looks like it’s my wish then no one will feel bad when they don’t want to spend money on a dead worthless person. How do you choose between battling pain every day and wanting to see your child grow up. If I knew what it was like to be dead, if I knew for sure I could see my little girl grow up from above I’d have gone a long time ago.

  142. I'm no one says

    I don’t know how much more I can handle. I have so many pills just sitting there taunting me as if saying “just do it already” I’m so alone. I am an empty shell of a person. Sure I have friends and family that loves me but I’m just so tired. I’m scared of living

  143. Lucy says

    I’m 17 and I suffer from borderline personality disorder. My family don’t understand me, my friends don’t notice when I’m not around, I’m too depressed to do schoolwork, I’m no good at anything and I feel like a disgusting person in every way and my boyfriend and I fight all the time because he is also suffering a mental illness. My family treat me like I’m 10 and they don’t respect me at all. I just want the pain to end. I feel anxious and inadequate and I just can’t do it anymore. I will never be satisfied with anything because, I can never trust anyone.. I really just want to let go

    • Also anon says

      It is uncanny. It’s like you just wrote about me. I can totally relate, I am 28 now. Still having all the traits you have stated above.
      Befriend someone who does notice you, who does understand you. You have a boyfriend, does he have friends you get along with? You don’t need many school friends, they are mostly arseholes anyway. I just gave up on my fake friends and found nice respectful girls to keep me company while at school. ( I am socially awkward)
      It is hard being in a relationship with someone with a mental illness. And it is very hard to keep your mouth shut when they start their shit or visa versa, but just remember they are human, they can’t help but feel shit and to say horrible things. Love them unconditionally ( if they truely deserve it ) and encourage love in return. You are very young and still have a lot to learn trust me, enjoy the people you love while you can. I’ve lost three out of four grandparents and I know F all about any of them, dead or alive and I regret not ever getting to know them better.. Be yourself and don’t take no shit off of nobody. Have respect for yourself and others will respect you. Otherwise, fuck them… I hope this made sense and maybe even made you feel better 🙂

  144. Stacey says

    I have had suicidal thoughts since I was ten, I am in my mid twenties now. When my sperm donor walked into my life wanting to know me when I was four, my perfect world turned to hell. He was emotionally abusive and no one understood my crying at the thought of going over their. My mother did slap and yell at me but I loved them so it didn’t affect me as much. Anyway, at the age of fifteen, I drugged myself twice with a variation of drugs and beer and tried to drown myself. Besides getting confused for a while, I was fine. I went into a psychiatric hospital when I was eighteen and was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I was forced on an antidepressant but at eighteen I thought I was invincible so after I got out I threw the pills away. At nineteen I took 20 extra strength tylenol on a Saturday night and went to sleep.. Sunday was filled with lots of throwing up and sleeping but by Monday, I felt perfectly fine. On Tuesday though, I was in severe pain. I spent the next week in the hospital with kidney failure but fortunately, they never found out why they failed. After the birth of my sister when I was twenty one I snapped out of it till the past year. I have a very supportive aunt who has tried to help by listening without judgment but I haven’t been able to open up to her. And now that I would like to give pills a try I have to antidepressants, I have no insurance and my grandfather who I have lived with all my life died right before Christmas. I feel like treating my depression with tylenol but I know that it’s harmful but I don’t know what else to do. Thank you for letting me rant a bit.

    • says

      Stacey, a good rant usually does us good. No problem!

      I hope you are feeling better. I think you’ll be okay; you sound like a survivor!!!

      Feel free to rant here anytime! And stay away from those damn Tylenols! You know better than that, girl.

      Writing is cathartic, and I’d advise you do more of it…

  145. Pained teenager says

    It’s like a tornado warning
    But instead it’s suicide.
    Things would be so much better
    If she hadnt lied.
    If she had told us how she felt
    From the very beginning
    She wouldn’t have had to feel like that
    She could have said “I’m winning.”
    Now she is here no more.
    She is never coming back.
    That’s how easy life is to live.
    She left not even a crack.
    In a couple months
    They’ll forget she ever existed.
    Then you’ll finally know
    Why help was what she resisted.
    She painted crooked smiles-
    Beautiful upon her face.
    But happiness she didnt have…
    She’d say “Give me some space. ”
    “Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.
    I do not need your help.”
    Actually she did….
    Being forgotten was how she felt.
    Now her pretty picture..
    Has melted.. Gone away..
    She couldn’t take it anymore..
    She had to end her pain.

  146. Just me says

    My life….has been a hard one. I was made fun of is school and beat up on.I was molested by my sister boyfriend when I was 12 for 2 years, I was raped, I was diagnosed with depression at 14 got into a car accident that should have killed me but didn’t and got ptsd from that and was diagnosed with even worse depression.my husband can’t keep a job so we are always broke. Have no money to keep the roof over our heads or the bills paid. We have 2 small children and My husband is so mean to me he says it’s all in my head. I cut myself to make the pain go away for a little while but it always comes back. As each year passes I feel like I’m going deeper and deeper. The doctors have had me on medication after medication I have been to all the doctors you name it I have done it. I feel as if my life had ended long ago and I don’t want to be on this earth anymore. I have thought about my children and how it would be if I were gone but honestly I cannot get the strength to carry on. ……

    • says

      Try thinking of your kids. Do you really want them to grow up with no mother?

      Find a doctor. Tell him what you are doing. Medication will help. My one friend used to cut himself, too. Each time I see his scars, they gross me out… there are so many. He is on meds now, and doing better.

      Talk to your sister about the rape you endured, too. And your hubby. And the doctor. Get counselling, and face your past. Figure out what will give you closure. Move on.

      Seriously, please get some help, lady. Your kids need you!!!

      And if your husband is so bad, leave him. You don’t need that.

  147. Joze says

    Hi, I’m 16 years old and my problem is that I’m failing high school and my mother said that i will never go to college and get a degree. No matter how hard i try i always get things wrong. My mother said that I’m wasting my life and that i will be a failure in everything, she always makes things worst and never actually helps me. I want to end my life because i think she is right, i’m a failure at everything! Please reply and help me.

    • says

      Joze, tell your mom that she needs to be more supportive of you! Perhaps you need a tutor; can you ask someone for help? Is there anyone at the high school you go to that can help? Often teachers will arrange to help you if you ask them. Try that.

      And your mom is not right; you succeeded in reaching me! Well done, young man!

  148. SillySally says

    I wish I had the excuses of a hard childhood or of some unspeakable tragedy happening to me to cause my suicidal ideations…truth is, I was kinda spoiled growing up, I have a career, a good husband, other than losing my mom last year, I shouldn’t feel this way. What kind of twisted person feels like the world and people they love would be better off or happier without them? I do feel crazy sometimes, and have told my husband amidst arguments that I want to kill myself…but I don’t think he realizes how many times I’ve actually made plans for it. My career isn’t one in which you can continue working while being treated for spychological issues…so no job equals no insurance, no treatment anyway. I just want a clear head, with no judgement that I cast against myself. I am my own worst enemy. Reading everyone else’s posts started to make me feel like I wasn’t alone, until I realized you people actually have problems, I’m just a selfish piece who can’t find any REAL reason I feel like this! So thank you for your strength and bravery, and I’m sorry for all you’ve been through. May you continue to be strong and help others.

    • says

      SillySally, sometimes reading about everyone else’s problems puts your own (perceived) problems into perspective.

      There is always someone else out there who is worse off than you.

      Thanks; I’ll continue to help others any way that I can. Be brave and strong, too, Sally.

  149. venus says

    i continuously think about suicide , and ways to kill myself. i’ve already had around a dozen suicide attempt. i was diagnosed with bpd, mdd, and ptsd at 18 . i lost my brother to suicide and im only strong because i don’t want my mom to bury another child in less than 2 years. i’ve had plenty of therapist , i’ve been to numerous hospital, ive seen physcatrist they’ve tried putting me on antidepressants and other months , nothing has helped , or even worked. im now 20, my first suicide attempt was when i was 17 2 weeks before my birthday , my last suicide attempt was only 3 weeks ago. im trying really hard to be strong , on the outside everyone sees this colorful girl thats always happy, i decided not to let anyone in anymore because i felt like i was always sounding depressing and i hated that. suicide doesn’t work for , living doesn’t work for and now i feel like i’m slowly becoming an addict. i really do hate my life and its getting harder and harder like it ever was easy.. but i use lsd and mdma drugs for my release . i self harm as well to release all the tension i feel internally. i feel like ive tried everything to not help myself , then when i realize i need help (last year) i came to find out i had none. doctors keep telling me that the only way i will get better is with a really good therapist , they just don’t know… ive reduced my hospitalizations by alot , mostly because i discovered drugs this year, something i was sheltered from my whole life. trauma after trauma has made me the person i am today . trauma is something i can never get away from and people always choose to make me their victim. i’ve known trauma from the age of 5 until now and i don’t know what else to do . i feel like my mind is all messed up and i will never be normal or ok again . i want to just stop feeling all the hurt i feel daily, escape the nightmares, escape all the bad people in my life . i wish i didn’t feel this way , and it sucks that this is how i feel pretty much every day of my life. i know i don’t have much help out there, but do you know ways i can just cope with my suicidal ideations and how to not act on them? ive tried the simple coping skills ive learned in the hospitals i was sent , but when im suicidal and in that dark place its very hard for me to get out of it , sometimes i force myself to go through with a plan . i hate it , i hate myself , i hate life , i hate the fact that i was traumatized so badly in my childhood that now as a 20 yr old adult , confused , lost and just hopeless . i hate the fact that even when i feel like i’m getting better , something happens that reminds me that things will never get better and they never were . what should i do ?

    • says

      Venus, my best pieces of advice are:
      1. Stop using drugs. Acid and ecstasy are going to get you NOWHERE. They are also messing with your brain chemicals! Ugh!

      2. Start practicing positive affirmations. (Google this for examples or see this post for examples of the ones I use — which you can use, too, or alter to fit your needs — http://beafreelancewriter.com/blog/2014/06/11/kick-start-your-writing/.)
      3. Start a gratitude journal. Each day, write down three things you are grateful for. Seriously. Find three things you are grateful for each day and write them down. Coupled with the affirmations, your attitude will change!

      4. Report your progress each week to me. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. And I care.

  150. Azalea says

    I’m 13. I’m have depression and anxiety. I want to kill myself. My whole life I have always been super quiet and shy. I have a hard time speaking with people. My mom has always yelled at me and taken her anger out on me. She always used to pull my hair at the scalp really hard and then throw me by it. Fast forward. Kindergarten (I’ll get through this quick) my teacher was a cruel evil bitch that would make me stand for hours by myself in the hallway of my school for being nervous/not talking due to nervousness. She would also yell/scream at me horribley. elementary school I never had one friend. Just a group of mean girls who excluded me from almost anything that involved partnership. (Also the elementary teachers were cruel also) since I was 2 to the age of 7 my father had visitation rights of me. (Him and my mother were never married they just, ya know, had me. However my mom was in an abusive relationship that I never witnessed, but she makes sure to tell me just to make me feel like shit. She also told me that my father hit her when she was pregnant with me. ) anyway,I hated being forced into his car by the police two days out of the week. He never took good care of me. He rarely fed me, let me ride in the front seat when I since I was 4, always brought me to his weirdo friends house and his mothers place where she smoked like there was no tomorrow which gave me horrible heaches and now I can’t be around smoke or I have a cough fit. When I was 7, he realized how much I hated going with him and said “I quit” and drove off. And now I don’t see him anymore. I haven’t seen him since. I just “I hope your doing well cards” here and there. Anyway, now I am having so many horrible problems with school. My elementary school only wemt up to 6th grade (I’m in 8th now) so I had to find a junior high. I went to grimes. Loved it there, but a teacher humiliated me I front of the class and I had some other problems there too. So I transferred to Bishop Ludden. Huge Mistake. They treated me like shit. In April right after I transferred I had 2 seizures and they treated me like shit. The girls bullied me. The teachers were loaded that I was out of school (for doc appointments). Now I’m stuck at my current junior high that I hate so much. If I have to go one more day I just really feel like killing myself. I’m suicidal and I hate being there. I hate everything about that school. And home schooling isn’t an option. I really just want to transfer back to grimes but I might not be able to do that until the next school year. So I’m screwed. Anyway aside from the school stuff on my chrsitmas breaks which I’m supposed to be enjoying im stuck with my horrible cruel rotten grandmother. She is so evil to me. She is horrible to me. And she is so mean to me. She is sooooo mean to me. She is awful. I hate her so much but my mom HAS to work unfortunately. And I hate getting up so early everyday to go over my grandmothers. My grandma is evil and my mom won’t let me stay home alone because of my seizures. My mom is nice to me (most of the time) but my grandma is awful and I’m stuck with her. And my aunt is horrible to and my grandma always calls my aunt saying I’m not listening to her when all im doing is sitting on the couch, she’s hust doing it to be a bitch. And then my aunt comes over and she and my grandma bitch me out for like an hour or so. And I’m already depressed enough. And my grandma insults the hell out of me and makes me feel like shit. And forces me to do stuff I don’t want to do. I hate her and I hate my aunt. I hate my life. I am depressed, anxious, and suicidal. Can anyone help me? Can anyone just talk to me? If anyone can please email me [email protected] please. Thank you.

    • says

      Azalea, please call a suicide hotline AND tell your mom how you are feeling. Show her this comment (the one you left me here). Be adamant. Get through to her! Tell her you need help in handling these difficult emotions.

      Talking to a hotline worker will help. Talk to your teachers, too.

      I know you are hurting. I hope things get better for you. Let me know how your talks go. I’m here.

  151. Tony says

    I’ve battled suicidal thoughts for 14 years and all of these answers are total bullshit. “You need a head-Dr. and experimental pharmaceuticals” is the worst answer ever. Way to make someone feel like there’s something wrong with them…c’mon. If mankind has suffered these issues forever (now more than ever, I’m also a veteran so I’m almost guaranteed to kill myself before my life ends naturally, statistically), then there is a natural answer/solution to this problem. I KNOW psychiatrists are the WORST answer, they’re more fucked up than you are and have no clue what to do as well other than push drugs that are pushed on them. Trust me, I’ve been to Army psych and several civilians, they’re all wackjobs that get payed to push “modern medicine” on you. After the abortion (I payed about $3K to find out it wasn’t mine then help her kill it 19-weeks in (2nd term abortion). I’ve felt rather wicked since then slept with my loaded 9mm Beretta next to my bedside for a couple years. I thought I overcame the thoughts when I quit my very successful, 6-figure life as a 26-yr old single male and moved home to be with family, sure this would help.

    I want to kill myself now more than ever. Family is another terrible answer for they’re all substance abusers and fat, depressing people with less sense of reality than I have. I’ve been pondering the meaning of life and started some 100% self-driven community service; I try altruism, serving other, I have so much money I don’t know what to do with it but live very modestly and have abandoned materialism. I try to tell myself that almost 7 Billion people on this planet have it worse off than myself but…

    I still want to kill myself on a weekly basis. No matter what I do, how peaceful I can feel at times, this existence truly is a load of bullshit. Killing yourself is not selfish, it’s selfLESS. Once you have overcome the fear of death, it is your family’s job to do that as well (once they clean your blood off the floor/backyard patio). I feel I have learned most what life has to teach me and the reason is is that life is boring as hell. No matter what great answers you find, you’re still left with the silence of the mind. I’ve heard distraction is also a good way? Are you KIDDING me? Ignore the root problems so they come up again and again? I feel this is what I did for a long time and even transcending the self-hatred, the real problem is…

    Life sucks. It’s always going to suck. Even with no worries and no stress (aside from these Goddamn taxes, Long Live the Queen, wake up America), I still can’t shake the fact that no matter all the beauty and wonder I’ve seen in this world, that it somehow gets better by doing the same boring shit over and over? Cmon, we need some real answers. The suicide rates are the highest in 25 years in the USA and among soldiers/veterans (you’re still gonna have these issues withOUT combat experience, don’t let the hardasses make you think you’re less of a man for never getting forced into evil combat) Either way, my life truly is great but I can’t help but think….

    at least weekly, I want to kill myself. You can find god through whatever spiritual avenue but that’s only going to make it worse as you find yourself relying on someone who’s not there to help. You have to figure it out yourself, and when you truly find the meaning of life, you realize how boring and shitty it is that it’s not worth perpetuating the same lie over and over, pretending that suicide is selfishness. Suicide is actually proof you’re able to move on to the next level. This is how I think of it, graduating from a life of lies and yoking with the spiritual self on the astral plane. The only thing that stops every time is thinking of the torture it’d bring on my family because they’re so incapable of dealing with anything like most Americans, fat, lazy and entitled. Wake up and smell the copper…

    • says

      Tony, like everyone else, you are entitled to your opinions. However, you should be grateful you have money, a home, and family. Many don’t.

      We all have our problems, you know. Even me.

      On what seems like a daily basis, I listen to others complain about their lives and offer suggestions on how they can improve. I’m just a regular person, too. If you think you can do a better job in advising others, feel free to respond to the hundreds of folks that have left comments on this post, seeking some type of help.

      I’d be happy to have some assistance!

      • kj says

        I am 14 and I have a crush on this girl. I am going to the 9th grade and we are going to different high schools. I feel really pissed at myself and sometimes think about committing suicide due to the fact that I am unable to start a conversation with her and then eventually have the courage to ask her out. That is too late. I feel that if I do ask her out, we will have to be separated and we will eventually start to see other people and I will be more heartbroken then ever and really suicide. Help?

        • says

          KJ, perhaps you can find something you both have in common and talk to her about that.

          The one thing to remember is that, at your age, issues often seem bigger than they really are. In your life, you are going to meet a bunch of females you like. Not all will like you back. You’re going to have to deal with that. But for now, finding out what her interests are and asking her on a date based on those interests should help.

          For example, if she likes cooking, tell her you found a cool recipe you’d like to try out, and invite her over for a cooking date. If she likes skating, go the rink. If she likes swimming, go to the pool. Find something you both will enjoy doing, and ask her on a date to do that.

          Good luck. I hope this helps!

  152. lauren says

    I want to kill myself. It’s all my mind thinks about. I tried once before and didn’t succeed. There seems to be no easy way to do it. I wanted to jump infront of a train but apparently that doesn’t easily kill you. I’ve got lots of lithium pills i could overdose on but apparently that only leaves you in a coma. I have had enough mental torment. I want to die desperately.

  153. Rebecca says

    I saw your post on Google and it’s honestly made me feel a little better. But the suicidal thoughts are still in my head, it’s like I can’t get away from my own mind long enough to think. I have no friends, my family thinks I’m nuts. I just feel completely alone in this world. I have no one to fall back on or even talk to about this. I know I need professional help, but I have severe social anxiety and would rather not have all that unnecessary tension in the room as I tell someone my issues. I don’t want to feel like this or think like anymore but I can’t help but to think about killing myself.

    If this is a little too much for you and you don’t want to reply back then I completely understand.

    • says

      Rebecca, they say that the first step in healing is admitting you have a problem, and because of your self-awareness with your issues, you’ve already overcome the toughest hurdle!

      My niece has social anxiety pretty badly, too, and it prevented her from going away to university to pursue her dream. I understand how debilitating social anxiety can be.

      I really think you should allow a pro to help you. Sure, it’ll be hard at first, stepping outside your comfort zone, but the rewards will be worth it.

      I hope I just gave you the nudge you needed.

      I’m always here, too, and look forward to hearing about your progress.

  154. Mrs Ashamed says

    I only contemplated the idea of committing suicide once before when I was separating from the father of my kids and my husband of 20 years. I was so sad we couldn’t make it work I just wanted to die. I am too coward and proud to kill myself, but, the primary reason was that I didn’t want for my kids to suffer because of me. After my husband I’ve had 3 failed relationships with men that were good with me but, it didn’t work still. I am embarrassed with my family, my children that are 18 and 20 , my friends. I am sure people have labeled me as a **** and laugh of me. I don’t want to be single now and in the future. I dislike it and refuse to be on my own, all I wanted was a family. I don’t want to start with someone new ever again or have intimacy with another man. I have nothing to feel proud of and my daughter already moved out and barely contacts me. My family barely cares about me. My son is the only person that loves and needs me. I feel that if I kill myself he would be free of me. I have a simple, very peaceful, healthy life and I’ve done many efforts to be a good mom, person, and employee. I also really put efforts in making sure I don’t get involved with a bad man. I was certain they were good, healthy and good for my children and myself. Still didn’t get it right. I don’t feel excited and interested in life anymore. Nothing from living attracts me. I am ok with dying; I just don’t dare to do it. I wish I would die naturally so my son doesn’t get sad I did it myself.

    • says

      I think you should speak to your children about your deep feelings. They will likely respond with increased support.

      Relationships are not all they’re cracked up to be, and most people have many failed ones. You are no different. Try to learn to rely on yourself and you’ll be much better off. Plus, you never know what will happen in the future! 😉

      Please speak to your kids. Communication is key.

  155. giselle says

    You don’t know how much this means to me,me and my sister have been getting into many fights and I just can’t take it it feels as if she hates me and every time we even mention about me dieing she just says that she doesnt care what happens to me so I can’t take it any more

        • says

          Can you talk to your parents about this? Or one of your teachers? Or a guidance counsellor?

          Your teen years are the toughest, and it’s better if you two sort your issues out now. You’ll likely be friends when you’re adults, but getting from Point A to Point B is going to take some work.

            • says

              Giselle, it sucks being stuck in the middle of your teen years with no support. I know; I was pretty screwed up when I was 15. I didn’t tell anyone about my rape, I had no one to confide in, and I hated everything.

              But now… things are sooo much better. It took me a while to get where I’m at, and I didn’t do it alone. I had help.

              Let others help you, too, Giselle. You are worth it!

              Please let me know how things go… and who’ve you spoken with. Okay?

  156. Claire says

    I saw your post on google as I’m feeling suicidle I too was raped when I was younger and I have tried to kill myself so many times. At this moment in time I’m searching for help to take these horrible thoughts out of my head I can’t deal with anything anymore. I fell inlove with a girl and she’s leaving for 4 month soon and I know that I can’t cope with that I know people will think it’s silly but since I was raped I am very emotionally unstable I’ve had a lot of bad things happen to me in my life and when something good comes I cling on to it. I want to kill my self please help

    • says

      Claire, I highly suggest counselling. Immediately. It will help; it helped me.

      I don’t know what else to tell you, except that I’m sorry you were raped, too. 🙁

      You need to deal with the aftermath of that incident, though. Please consider getting professional help!

  157. Miss Anon says

    I saw your post from Google and reading it had made me feel a bit better.

    My issue is that I’m still mourning over a breakup that occurred two years back. There hasn’t been a single day where I do not think about him. I still love and miss him. Despite that I don’t look him up on social media. Unfortunately, last month my friend told me that he recently has a new companion. Since then I’ve become totally depressed again. I was pretty chill before that. I know I can’t blame my friend but in my head I am somewhat angry at her. From the start, I’ve told all of my friends that I refuse to know any updates about him. Cos I know that once I hear any updates about him I know it will really damage me in return. Especially with this news. Those times of my ex contacting me probably means nothing to him.

    I’m waiting for uni to resume so at least even if I’m feeling lousy I can still distract myself with studies. I’m not sure if I’m clinically depressed, however I do carry the signs since the breakup occurred. I really wanted to die but my religion does not allow suicide and I don’t want to disappoint my family. I know that they’re tired of my constant disruptive behaviour and I feel like a burden to them. Sometimes I feel like they don’t care too. Aside from that, I tried occupying my time with small hobbies and also forced myself to leave the house whenever my friends wanted to see me. Still, those are not enough to keep me from feeling depressed everyday. I feel that I may need therapy but I don’t think it will solve my problem. For now I can only love him from a distance.

    Thank you for reading this Lorraine. I admire your strength of going through the bad experiences that you went through, which is a bigger challenge than mine. And as a person who loves writing myself, I agree that writing helps a lot.

    • says

      Hey Miss Anon, I would like to urge you to seek some professional help. You might have an underlying neurological problem that flared up when you broke up with your ex. Sometimes medicine can help. Paired with some counselling, you should benefit greatly.

      Writing helps, too, as you know. Try writing a letter to your ex… but don’t give it to him. Just write to get it out of you. Writing a letter and then burning it can be cathartic, too.

      I wish you the best, and am happy that your religion prevents you from doing away with yourself. It sounds like you have a lot to offer the world! You’re smart, talented, and loving, and the world needs more people like you in it.

      IMHO. 🙂

      • Miss Anon says

        Hello Lorraine, I checked on your page again today and saw your reply. 🙂 I am less knowledgeable when it comes to neurological issues, though I’m looking it up when you mentioned about it. It could be related to me as I haven’t been checked before. I just wish that things will get better soon if I’m able to meet a counsellor or a professional. There aren’t much places that offer professional assistance in this country but thankfully there are a few around.

        That sounds like a good idea. It’ll be a nice change from writing down my feelings the usual way. I may have to pay a visit to my stove tonight. 😉 I could use a break from the intense emotions.
        I hope life will be a little bit more easier on me from now on.

        Thank you Lorraine. I do hope the best for you as well. I hope I could offer myself as a writer to the world one day. I appreciate the fact that you replied to my comment despite me being an anon. Just wanted to let you know that you’ll be on my bookmarks from now on.

        • says

          Not everyone feels comfortable enough to put their real names on the internet, so I understand.

          I wish you the best! And please do write that letter. You’ll be surprised at how much brighter life will be afterwards.

  158. Sadnesshasovercomeme says

    I am going to kill myself in 2 days. My life is shit. I am 31 and been in a relationship for the past 5 years. We were engaged and trying to have a baby. I have had an abortion (at the urging of the guy at the time) and a miscarriage last year, and practically live everyday wanting to have a baby. In fact, this date late year was when I found out I was pregnant. Now my fiancé is leaving me and there is no hope of that. I cannot afford the rent where I currently live with my fiancé and I don’t have the strength to move on. I am going to make all my goodbye calls to my family tomorrow without them knowing that is what I’m doing. Nobody knows how depressed I am. I don’t have any friends so I don’t need to call any of them. I had one good friend but she didn’t like my fiancé and we had a huge falling out. Now I have no one. I live in a different state from all my family as I moved here with my now ex fiancé. All I wanted in life was to get married and have a family since I’ve never really had that and now it just seems hopeless. Thank you for listening and goodbye.

    • says

      I’m sorry to hear of your troubles. I think you drop everything and move back home and start over.

      No guy is worth the pain you’re putting yourself through!

      Things will seem brighter once you remove yourself from the situation. Trust me.

      Please reply and let me know what you decide to do. Thanks…

      ~Lorraine