A Letter To My Son

Last Updated on: July 15th, 2017

This image is of a letter to my son.

I have a son. I can’t always talk to him, so I write him letters. I’ve been doing so since he was a baby.

He’s an adult now.

Whether you have a son or daughter, my advice to you is to be honest and bare your soul. Write your child a letter if you are unable to talk. Writing is therapeutic!

My Last Letter to My Son

My TRUE TALE for today is a bit unique, because it involves me writing a letter to my son, whom I re-connected with in 2013 after being estranged from him for about three years.

We are currently – and still – strengthening our relationship (YAY!) and I obtained his permission to publish this on my blog.

FYI, he’s now 26. (I update this post from time to time…) 😉

I have written my son many letters and poems over the years, and I wrote this letter  after reading I Will Never Forget, a memoir by Elaine C. Pereira. Elaine not only guest posted on this blog on a Featured Friday, but let me interview her, too.

She touched me deeply with her book.

In fact, this memoir inspired me in ways that I can’t even begin to explain. It was that moving. (In fact, at the end of this post, I share my review of this book with you.)

So now, I am putting together a book of letters to my son!

My Son Has Given ME Life

As most of you already know, I would not be here on this computer today, were it not for my son. If you haven’t already, you can read about this whole experience here:
Part One: My True Story About How I Nearly Died (this is the story that became part of a memoir anthology)

For now, here’s my most recent letter to my son.

I’m really looking forward to your comments, too.

A Letter To My Son

Dear Julian,

I may not have been a perfect mom, but I tried to be.

I may not have disciplined you enough, or maybe I disciplined you too much. I don’t really know. I know at times, I drove you nuts!

I fed you and bathed you and clothed you. I bought you toys.

I sang to you, read to you, taught you. You were my boy, my precious, baby boy.

I got up with you to send you to school. I stroked your forehead and hair when you were sick. I knew you were not feeling well, because you let me do these things. You were never very cuddly.

I paid for heat to keep you warm. I stared at you for days, after you were born. I didn’t want to miss anything. I adored you.

I kept you safe. I kept you clean. I soothed you when you cried. I let you stay up late and watch TV.

Do you know that you mean the world to me?

I argued with you as you grew. You formed opinions of your own. I tried teaching you right from wrong, and to treat others with respect.

I hugged you and kissed you at least three times a day, every day. You couldn’t leave for school without a hug and kiss. Remember greeting each other after school, or hugging and kissing me good-night? I wanted to correct the behaviours of my parents, who were, and still are, non-demonstrative. I told you “I love you” constantly, daily, always, because I do. I love you.

I love you!

When you were two, I wrote you a song. I made it up on the spot, while brushing your teeth, to distract you. You were always so active and wiggly. Keeping still for those few minutes required drastic measures! I wrote down the lyrics, and eventually put it to music. I now sing it to your little cousins.

I supported you in most of the decisions you made. I encouraged you to be great. When you were thirteen or fourteen and wanted to come home (drunk?) after fighting with your friends one night during a sleepover way across town, I refused to pay for a cab, even though I told you I’d always be there for you, because I wanted to teach you a lesson about consequences. You learned it, too. Remember? You never let yourself get in a predicament like that again.

When you were on the high school football team, I went to your games. Even though I wrapped myself in a blanket, I still froze and felt the freezing effects of the wind whipping through my bones and at my face as I sat on the bleachers, while you worked up a sweat on the field.

I tried to be the best single mother I could be to you, my only child.

I sacrificed aspects of my life to enhance yours. I did this many times, for many years.

I loved you from the moment I felt you inside my belly, flailing your tiny arms.

When you lost your teeth, I became the Tooth Fairy. I was Santa and the Easter Bunny, too. You never knew, until I told you.

I dressed you up on Halloween, and took you out trick-or-treating, because that’s what good moms do. Do you recall our ritual of checking the candy when we got home, to make sure it was safe? I didn’t want anyone to poison you, or slip a razor or another sharp fragment into your goodies. Remember how we avoided the pedophile’s place? You may recall it as “the bad house.” I did everything in my power to protect you.

Each time we had to move from one apartment to another, I made endless preparations to ensure a seamless transition. I explained things to you, preparing you the best that I could for what was to come. I wanted you to feel secure. As an adult, you said you were.

Yet you pretended not to know me one day when we were walking downtown, shopping, until you wanted something. I understood. I was hurt, but I got that it wasn’t cool to be walking with your mom. I forgave you and admired you for exerting some of your independence. You had a fit when I joked around and pretended not to know you! You say you don’t remember that incident, but I do. Clearly. It was your first rejection of me.

At a young age, I taught you to do laundry. You were in charge of socks. You had fun matching them. As you grew, you graduated to facecloths, underwear, and towels. You were a big help, you know. I was surprised when you refused to let me launder your teenage clothes, and was impressed with the excellent care you took, and still take, with your wardrobe. I’ve never seen anyone iron like you! When you trusted me to sew the holes, I felt needed again. I loved those moments, even though I hate sewing!

Because I have eating and weight issues, and have had them all my life, I never wanted you to gain an extra ounce. Ridicule and self-loathing were not things you were going to experience! The healthy habits you formed early on in life have helped you become the strong, young man you are today.

Do you still prefer yogurt over ice cream? Apples over potato chips? Granola bars over chocolate bars? I think you do. You go to the gym enough! You do it faithfully, too, and I’m so proud. You’ve worked long and hard for your muscles, your abs, your rock-hard body, seemingly made of steel.

Remember our little, plastic, red, first-aid kit? My heart swelled when you told me you brought one to the beach and when you went camping (or was it hiking?) with those two girls. Your foresight and sensibility astonishes me.

Maybe I wasn’t perfect, but I tried hard to be the best single mom I could be. I was still a teenager when I had you. I was only twice your age once. I was 18 and in pain, physically, when you were forced into this world. I was 36 and in pain, mentally. You were 18 then. I remember, too, how crazy I was. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know I put you through hell.

When I almost lost my leg and had to undergo major surgery to save it, our roles were reversed and you took good care of me. Did I ever tell you how grateful I was? Let me remind you, I still am.

When you were six and came home with a “D is for Daddy” father’s day card, you questioned me. After our conversation, I questioned you, asking you what you would rather have: a daddy who always yelled and hurt us or a mommy who loved you with all her heart. “I just want you, Mom,” was your response. I’ll never forget that, as long as live. I just want you, son, too. I just want you.

I love, and always will love, you. You’ll be my baby forever, even though you are a grown man now. I hope I will always recognize your face and your voice. A book I read recently about one woman’s struggles with dementia has prompted me to write and share this. It touched me in explicable ways. The book? “I Will Never Forget.”

I want you to know my feelings and thoughts while I can still communicate them. I never want you to wonder how I felt, or have unanswered questions. You are my single-most biggest achievement. I kept us both alive despite a huge lack of money to do so. I may have gambled, done drugs, and a few other things you hate me for, but I did try to be a good mother to you, and for you, as well as a friend. I’m not perfect, but I love you. Please, always remember that.

Don’t forget me, son, when I am gone. Maybe through my writing, I’ll live on.

Now, it’s your turn to be a good son.

Love always,

Your unsettled Mom.

A Funny Follow-up

Funny story – I now spend most of my Tuesdays with my son.  On one particular Tuesday evening, he showed me a sweater he bought. He had ripped the tag/label out, because it was causing him to itch.
I’m sure you can guess what happened… he was left with two gaping holes as a result.
The shocker, however, is what he said to me. Instead of simply asking me to sew them, he asked me, “Mom, can you teach me how to sew?”
So I did. I demonstrated how to sew and fixed one of the holes. He ended up sewing the other.
I was so proud of him! 🙂
I thought about the part I wrote in the letter to him, about sewing, and how it made me feel needed. I felt a sense of pride, though, after we were done, because I had empowered him with knowledge so that he could solve his own sewing problems in the future.
That I still felt needed was weird, and new, for me; I thought he didn’t need me anymore. As it turns out, he still needs me, but in different ways. It’s great to feel needed and wanted, especially after all of the rough patches we have been through.
The best part is that we’re now in a healthy relationship.
Finally.
And I hope it never changes… (unless it gets even better!)

My Inspiration to Write Letters to Julian Came from A Book

I want to let you know that I’m currently putting together a book of letters to my son, called Letters to Julian. I hope to release it in 2018 (OR SOONER!).
I decided to put this book together after reading I Will Never Forget.
This book had a huge impact on me.
I don’t want to be forgotten. EVER.
I also don’t want to forget, either.

I Will Never Forget

I also want to share my review of I Will Never Forget, which I’ve already posted to Goodreads and Amazon for readers to discover:

I Will Never Forget is Elaine Pereira’s beautiful yet heart-wrenching tribute to her mother. Never before have I read a memoir, and I was impressed with the light manner in which this story was written. Infused with humour, the author makes the most out of a difficult situation, making her book enjoyable to read despite the heartbreaking tale she tells. Keep a box of tissues handy – you’ll need them! I teared up many times while reading the author’s touching words, and was bawling when I read the final one. The poem written by the author, found at the end of the book, warmed my heart. It was lovely!

Through the author, the reader gets to know her family, and is able to identify with them as memories are related and glimpses into the author’s personal struggles are revealed. The style in which this book is written provides pieces of the puzzle that many sufferers of dementia face, and the reader can both commiserate with and find compassion for Elaine, the author, a feisty, spunky woman who truly did all she could for her wonderful mother while she was alive. I’m sure Betty (Elaine’s mom) looking down from heaven on her only daughter with great pride and a smile on her face. I would be, if I were her!

I highly recommend this book. I Will Never Forget will touch you in ways you cannot imagine or fathom. You will definitely not regret reading it. Besides, shedding a few (or more) tears is always good for the soul.

Your Turn:

What is troubling you? Are you trying to change things with your son… or daughter?

Leave me a comment and let me know.

And if you want to read Letters to Julian, GET ON THE LIST NOW TO BE NOTIFIED OF ITS RELEASE!

60 thoughts on “A Letter To My Son

  1. Ram says

    My Adult son (22 Years) just told me, “why don’t you just die and leave all your money to me and Mom, you useless peace of S***”
    he will come back in few minutes and apologize but those words will continue to hurt me forever. Why am I being used as Punching bags for his problems?

    • says

      Because that is what we do… we hurt the ones we love.

      I’m sorry you got hurt in this way. I suggest talking to him and fixing the problem.

  2. says

    Desperate for help will try to keep this short. I am divorced from my ex for 35 years. Ex and I are still friends. Ex did something that negatively impacted 38 year old son. I help out ex with business related issues when he is out of town. Son is so angry with his Dad for what he did and now is furious with me for not telling my ex I won’t be helping him out any more. How am I in the middle? Son says I don’t have his back.

  3. Dean Johnson says

    Dear Lorraine,

    (First please excuse my language skills). My son (only child) is 24 now, haven’t seen him in over six years. When he was seven I got custody and raised him as a single father while his mother had visitation. I worked as a professional and was able to adjust my schedule to accommodate for his needs reducing the trauma of the divorced.

    My son and I were inseparable, I coached his baseball team, his basketball team, taught him to hunt and fish and all the things my father taught me, but most importantly, I taught him how to love and how to live to love. I hugged and kissed him every day, I caressed him when he had pain, rubbed his head almost every night and never will I forget how he smelled each time I held him. He never left the house without an “I love you son, I love you too dad.” This was our daily routine until my son was almost sixteen years old.

    Driving home one day I had an auto accident leaving me with broken bones and head trauma. I spend months in-and-out of the hospital trying to regain normal physical and mental functions, my recovery time would be four to five years. I wasn’t the same person, I knew it and my son knew it, there were times I couldn’t remember my son’s name. This hurt him so bad, I could see the pain in his eyes and could feel the sorrow in his heart because I felt the same.

    For the first two years I had to take medication for physical therapy when learning how to walk again along with other medication for the head trauma. My sons mother and his girlfriend, not knowing my recovery time, noticed my change and told my son that I was crazy, a moron, a doper, and would never be normal again. I guess their comments with the peer pressure from school created an even greater impasse. After 18 months my son left home to live with his mother, and don’t blame him, the poor child had had enough.

    I’m not perfect, I’ve had my ups and downs during this journey but I did my best. Finally after five years of therapy I regained most of my faculties, I could walk again and talk and remember most everything, especially names, but my son will not talk to me. He refuses to have anything to do with me and I don’t know why. I ask for his address or new phone numbers but his mother is no help, when I send a letter to my son his mother tells me to give it to her and she will handle it.

    There is one thing, I had good insurance through my employer, and the nature of my accident provided for each minor dependent a large sum of money, which I never received, but later found out the check was sent to my son’s mother’s address. My son was living there at the time. I have never questioned her about it, she has no clue I know. The money is not important, my sons love is all I want.

    This is my only child and I love him more that you could imagine. If I could only smell the scent of my son again maybe my broken heart could mend.

    Do you have any advice? Please help.

    Dean

    • says

      Dean,

      I am so sorry to hear all this. I feel your pain.

      I think you should write a letter to your son explaining your thoughts and feelings.
      Show him this post, too. Show him your comment. Show him how you reached out to a complete stranger in your attempts to fix the problems between the two of you.

      Address the money issue. It’s important, because you were the one entitled to that money. Even though you don’t care about it, the fact that they took that cheque and cashed it is not morally right.

      You can continue to set an example for your son.

      It is never too late.

      And I honestly believe that opening your heart to him is the best way.

      Please let me know if – or when – things improve!!!

      Good luck to you, Dean.

      Warmly,
      Lorraine

      • Dean Johnson says

        Thank you Lorraine for your reply.

        Let me describe my son, 6′ 5″ and 200 pounds -very fit, 70% introvert, basically “A” student without effort, extremely bored with academics, solve trigonometry 3 in his head, not once in trouble at school, started college courses 10th grade, one girlfriend and still together, all star athlete quit in 9th grade (bored), always yes sir – no ma’am to everyone. I do not believe in physical discipline not even an arm grab, it belittles the child. Do not yell, if angered speak normally. Respect is earned not demanded. This is the way I raised my son, some have different beliefs but my son never acted up. I was so lucky to have him as my child.

        We all know there are two sides to every story and I’ve added both sides. I’m smart enough to realize if I don’t tell you both sides, how could I truly expect a reliable answer.

        Before I send this letter please allow me to ask a few questions. If you become uninteresting I will understand if there is no return reply.

        Taking your advice I’ve written a letter to my son which is completely unfeigned humility and heartfelt love that I so desperately desire my only child. Verily I had to plagiarize some of the more poetic formatting of words from more skilled writers in an attempt to hide my inept ability to write creatively. However the substance is truly candid and expresses the profound love I feel for my son.

        My intent was to physically write the letter but this proved too demanding on my hands due to the accident and it generated too many errors. I ask you, is a typed letter ok, or do a few mistakes disrupt the meaning?

        I’ll also take your advice and show my son this post. Show him how I reached out to a complete stranger for advise. What’s stranger is you and only one other person knew my story now it’s online which will probably bite me in the butt.

        However I did not address the money issue. You’re correct legally and morally, but I feel it would cause more disquiet with my son. Honestly I think, or would like to think, my son feels ashamed about accepting the money and doesn’t want to face the truth or see the disappointment in my eyes. I raised him, he knows better than to place something inanimate higher than the soul of a human being. I know sometimes the temptation of greed and the love of money can be overwhelming, but the dupery always seems to fall in the lap of the beholder and the expectations are short lived. What’s meaningless to me may be a big deal to my son because of the integrity he wishes to uphold.

        His mother never paid any child support for the ten years I raised him, so money is a sensitive matter to her. I’ve never asked her why nor have I requested her to pay. I have never mentioned this to our son and don’t think it’s wise or necessary.

        My Father is a Magistrate or Judge so this should tell you how important child support or the check was, or wasn’t.

        The quandary is physically getting the letter to my son. I must send the letter to his mother then pray she delivers it to him. I’ve sent dozens of letters, birthday cards and Christmas cards to my son and received no reply. Then a mutual friend told me his mother opens and reads his mail. More troubling, the cards and letters I sent contained money, $300 to $500 each. My son never received one letter or card and obviously no money. To prevent this I started sending checks and money orders but she put her name on his checking account and cashed the checks.

        My son probably thought I abandoned him because he didn’t hear from me. She is controlling of him and I no one will explain why.

        Maybe this will explain it better – my son and his girlfriend went to her prom, ages 17 and 18. His mother and her husband dress up in their attire to have pictures made with our son and his date on prom night. Post the pictures online as if it was all their prom. I feel this is extremely selfish and takes away from the kids prom. I was in the hospital having surgery at this time.

        Can you now see what I’m facing, it’s an uphill battle. As you know there is more to this story.

        Read my lack of responsibility before you deliver an answer. I know there are two sides to every story but every thing I said is factual, period.

        I’d like to say I did my best after my accident but I would be lying. Was I hurting and miserable all the time? Yes I was, but many people went through exactly the same thing and didn’t make these mistakes. Started feeling sorry for myself and loathing in self pity wondering – why this happened to me? When I should have been thinking – why not me – what makes me so special? Nothing.

        I acted like a loon for two years when taking that medicine. And, 20% to 25% of the time I took too much medicine and probably lost a great deal of respect from my son, I know I did. I also embarrassed him in front of his friends a few times. Kids always want their dad to be the strongest, the best, or better than their friends dads. When the parents are a disappointment it shames the child and the parent, I’m guilty on three occasions.

        When my son was seven years old until fourteen years old I was the dad who coached all his friends in basketball and baseball, won 1st place and were champions in both sports every season but two. Voted on the board as vice president of the district. Taught the Children’s Group at church five years having over 60 kids in class. After my accident I lost my friends. I didn’t have any friends because I didn’t recognize them nor did I remember their names. So it isn’t the fault of my friends it was mine.

        I went from Hero to Zero and fast.

        I wasn’t accustomed to being a loser but after my accident I was one. Instead of the greatest dad, I was the greatest disappointing dad. Before my accident 6′ 2″ and 235 pounds, returned from the hospital a frail 160 pound weakling that didn’t know his name, couldn’t remember his address, phone number, or where he lived. If I walked outside my house I would get lost. Police would have to pick me up and take me home. Luckily most of the police officers knew me or knew my father, but some thought I was a bum or transit and would take me to the police station. The cops thought I was uncooperative when I wouldn’t tell them my name or address. I couldn’t tell them I didn’t know.

        Like I said some of these actions could have been prevented if I would have followed doctors orders and procedures. I am to blame a quarter of the time.

        My son saw me this way for 18 months. I can’t even imagine the pain I put him through. I’m so sorry.

        I haven’t taken the medication since 2011. By looking at me and speaking with me you would never guess I had an accident. I’m 6′ 2″ and 235 pounds again, except it’s proportioned differently on my body, if you know what I mean.

        I don’t drink, don’t smoke, or don’t do drugs. Never could do drugs in college as an athlete we had drug test (we drank). In a Petrochemical Plant they tested for drugs and alcohol weekly and was more stringent at the consulting firm. Having no access to drugs my entire life then to have all you wanted I didn’t manage it very well, to say the least.

        About me, I went to college on a basketball scholarship but didn’t graduate due to knee injury. Immediately went to work at Petrochemical Plant in operations and started college classes while working. The company would reimburse us for tuition if you maintained a 3.0 GPA.

        Before completing my final few college classes I accepted an offer to work for a Training and Consulting firm. Received my BBA.

        Do you realize I was assigned to the Technical Writer/Editor Department at the consulting firm? But not for long, I ended up in management.

        After the accident I lost my writing and editing skills, obviously.

        It is difficult to wake up one day and “love the things you hate” but “hate the things you once loved.”

        Should I send the letter?

        Best to you,

        Dean

        • says

          If your son goes to school, send the letter to his school. Don’t send it to his house.

          Good luck to you! I hope you are able to reconnect with him!

  4. Jessica says

    I, too am a single mom. My son and I have always had an incredible bond, as I have made him the absolute center of my universe and made sure he was taken care of in the best ways possible. My son will turn 16 in May and has been in his first real dating relationship since January. Out of the blue – (and yes I do mean that quite literally) he has decided that he wants to move and live with his father. While he will not admit this is about the girl, we all know the unspoken truth. He has never had a fabulous relationship with his father. He goes there on weekends and parts of the summer, but is always ready to come home to his Momma. All of a sudden (Practically Overnight) he wants to leave?! I have tried to talk to him and had my parents talk to him – he is hearing NONE of it. My heart is shattered. An unexplainable depth of pain.

    • says

      Jessica, your son is trying to “find himself.” Support him, even though it hurts like hell. He will remember you and respect you for that.

      My son recently told me he wants to join the army. Like I want my son around guns! OMG!!!

      Yet… I want him to follow his heart and achieve his dreams. I’ve told him how I feel, and I’ve expressed my concern to him. But I have to let him go. I cannot forbid him — he is an adult now!

      I suggest you speak to your son. Have a heart-to-heart. Let him know you are unhappy with his decision, but will love him regardless of what he decides to do.

      And talk to me if you need to. I’ve had my share of pain and grief, and can relate!

  5. kristy calhoun says

    My Son is 21 . He was diagnosed with epilepsy just a couple of yrs ago . Since the epilepsy he has extreme depression in which phsycosis and paranoia episodes occur. This side of my son is so hard for me to comprehend . But I love him so much and want to understand all there is to know . We argue so much it hurts ,absolutely breaking my heart into ….I can only imagine what toll it’s taken on him ….

  6. Marion says

    Have a newly married son, and sad that he calls maybe once a month. Do I call him? Don’t want to be the MIL that I have. When I text him I never receive a reply. ?

    • says

      Marion, be happy he calls you.

      Understand that he just began a new life with his bride.

      Don’t text him. Call him. Invite him and his wife over for dinner. Ask that you do that every month. At least once a month!

      It’s tough, I know.

      My son is talking about joining the army and moving away. Oh, God, I’ve no idea what I will do if THAT happens…

      Good luck with yours!

  7. Kari Schluter says

    My son’s mean the world to me in I lost due to my drug addition they have recently got a adopted in I am missing them SO much they are almost 3 and 4 my days are long in nights even longer I find myself crying daily they are the first thing on my mind when I go to bed in when I wake up I have A hard time being in public seeing other KIDS because it reminds me of mine I have no clue where they are cept the city in adopted parents first name I have so much guilt in shame in am hurting so much I don’t no me anymore sence the boys have been removed I am so lost in so hurt I constantly think about what they are thinking my oldest asked the worked one day where I was she told him she didn’t know she could of told him the truth that mommy’s verry sick in needs to get better or something like that I’m scared they will for get about me in most of all I’m scared I’ll never get to see them how do I go on 28th my life with out the 2 of them when there part of me in my life in how do I except that I won’t be part of there life or know anything about them in how do I write a good bye letter to my own kids any one have any answers or advice to help me get through this .

    • says

      Kari, I have a few things to say.
      1. Get clean.
      2. Write your sons letters… even though they won’t be able to read them yet. Writing out what you are going through WILL HELP YOU HEAL.
      3. Hang onto those letters. Give them to your kids later on.
      4. Think of the kind of mom your kids deserve to have… and start acting that way.
      5. Your boys will NEVER forget you. Early childhood educators will tell you this: Studies show that the first 4 years of someone’s life are the most formative. What kids learn… and who they bond with… during these years will stay with them ALWAYS!
      5. I am sending you a huge hug to give you some love and some strength. 🙂

      You can do anything you set your mind to… including getting clean and getting your kids back.

      Have faith!

      • Deborah says

        I check out as many sites as I can regarding being estranged from my adult son (my only child). What I consistently find are Mother’s of Adult Estranged Sons – for 3 years, 1 year, less than a year. The longest estrangement I have found is 4 years. It is now going on 10 years I have been estranged from my son. He is 44 years old now. I am happy for all the Mother’s who have re-connected with their adult child – they are the lucky ones.

        • says

          Deborah, it’s tough when you’re rejected from a family member, most especially your own son. I know. My son rejected me for 3 years. It hurt like hell.

          I don’t know what else to say to you to make the pain go away, because the pain will never go away, regardless of what I say.

          One day, your son will realize the error of his ways.

          Until then, you have to live your own life!!!

          Take care.

          Hugs!

  8. Deborah Barragan says

    Hi Lorraine,
    I know my son has read my letter and things are better since I sent it. He responds to my text messages right away and even picked up the phone when I call him. It’s a start and I am very happy that I wrote that letter. He came to Thanksgiving at my parents house and I got to spend time with him. He wasn’t standoffish like he has been. I wanted to thank you for having this blog and helping me through this difficult time. I love my son so much it’s overwhelming. Have a great Christmas!

    • says

      Deborah, I’m SOOOO happy for you! It’s great that your son is now texting you back… and that the two of you are making progress in your relationship!

      Way to go!

      I’m so glad that I was able to help you out by sharing my experiences and offering you advice. It warms my heart to know that I made a difference, however small or large, in someone’s life. 🙂

      Have a great Christmas, too!

      Hugs!

  9. Elizabeth says

    I’ve been cut out of sons life now for a year , it’s destroying me and he lives in Canada, he’s been married and has a new baby since we spoke last, all calls, emails are ignored. Reason is, I didn’t send gifts for new wife’s 3 kids, I live in UK, never met them or was invited to do so, they were a couple but not even engaged, last New Year’s Eve, he called to say she was pregnant and they were gettin married on 17th Jan. I’ve tried everything, even thought of going over, but, if he slammed the door on me, where would I go. I’ve never even been sent a pic of their baby girl, sent pretty crocheted blankets, little dresses and shoes for her, a cheque, this was never cashed, now Christmas is coming, I wish it would end, I’ve bought cards, thinking of including a letter to him, will send a cheque too, I love him dearly, the hurting isn’t getting any better with time,

    • says

      Elizabeth, I hate to say it, but the hurt never goes away.

      I wish you the best, and hope your son will one day be hit with a reality check about what’s important in his life, which, whether he realizes it yet or not, includes YOU.

      Hang in there!

    • says

      Dennis, congratulations on your new addition!!!

      Parenting can be very rewarding, but heartbreaking at times, too. I wish you the best with your child!

      My son and I have never been closer, and I’m thankful each day for the relationship we now have.

      Not every story has a happy ending, but fortunately, this one does. 🙂

      Thanks, too, for commenting on my guest post on Adrienne Smith’s blog. I bet you have a ton of stories to tell that are interesting and captivating, even if you think they aren’t. That’s one thing I’ve learned: What you find boring, others find fascinating!!!

      So open up, and let your experiences help propel you forward!

  10. Kore Duke says

    Hi Lorraine,

    My eyes were filled with tears while reading this touching post. I know of a mum here who can relate well with your story though I’ve seen her in pains. She’s a single mom, raised her son on her own but it’s been 7yrs now and she’s not in his life.

    After reading this I smiled because you both are back together now and I pray it happens same for my friend.

    Thanks for sharing this with us and pouring your heart out.

    Just so you know, I stopped by from Adrienne Smith’s blog.

    Have a splendid new week.

    • says

      Kore, I knew you landed on my site after reading my guest post on Adrienne’s blog. Thank you so much for dropping by!

      I’m glad you enjoyed my letter to Julian. He’s my life, my everything. I was a single mom, too, so I can relate to your friend. Send her my love and give her a hug from me!

  11. Deborah Barragan says

    Yes, I find it very therapeutic. I also find that crying helps me get out the pain and frustration I feel. My ex husband remarried and I fear his new wife will replace me when it comes to my son. Our daughter gave us a beautiful grandchild and so I do see my ex and his wife on occasion. What do you think?

  12. Deborah Barragan says

    Thank you for sharing your experience. I feel I am not alone. In my case I lost my son when I divorced his father he was 17 at the time and took the divorce very hard. He is 21 now and at college in Lubbock. I am in the process of writing him another letter. The first letter I wrote was when he was 19 and I never got a response but I am still trying. I don’t know how to get through the pain and hurt I feel. I force myself not to think about it or I would be a basket case. I am doing great now but there are still days I break down and cry from thinking about him and missing his love and companionship. When we do see each other at family functions he is distant. He was attached to my hip growing up he told me everything and now he doesn’t even reply to my text or calls except every blue moon. I don’t know how to reach him. I may not have much, I don’t try to buy his love he lives with his dad when he’s not at college and his dad has money. I can’t compete with that nor do I want to. I love him unconditionally. In my case I pray one day he will love me and forgive me for leaving his father. Thank you for listening.

    • says

      Deborah, I feel your pain.

      My son told me he threw out the letter I wrote him after my surgery, when I tried re-connecting with him. That hurt a lot, especially since I spent a lot of time writing it, pouring my heart and soul into it.

      But that’s kids for ya.

      You just gotta do your best, and hope they turn out alright.

      At any rate, keep writing him… even if he never reads your letters, you will at least have gotten things out onto paper.

      I find writing therapeutic. Do you?

  13. Joanna says

    I stumbled across this site when looking for some comfort or some direction in how to get my son to speak to me.
    Your words seem have opened a wound and all the pain I felt came pouring out. Its a release for me. The problem is that the wound will never ever ever heal and Im left with this for the rest of my days. I want my son, I need my son, my whole body aches for him.

    Only someone having been through it like yourself understands the unbearable pain Im feeling right now and have been for the past 3 years since my son decided to cut me out of his life.
    I think I must have pushed him too hard but I wanted him to have a good life. I shouted at him when he messed up his education and then he left to be with his father. The father who didn’t want to see him when it was convenient for him. The father who left him crying and asking why his daddy didn’t love him anymore when he let him down again. Who didn’t want to pay child support and yet the father who my son thinks is wonderful.
    Yet as you, I was the one who tucked him in at night, tried to teach him right from wrong and loved him beyond words.

    I haven’t the words you have and am not a writer so I take comfort from someone like yourself who can put this into words for me.

    Thank you

    • says

      Joanna, my heart goes out to you. I feel your pain!

      I wish I could offer you some comforting words, but I know nothing I say will fill your void.

      Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to open up to me.

      Do you know how to reach your son? If so, call him.

  14. Lorraine, I am so very proud of you in ways I can’t even begin to express in words, despite my obvious skill with them usually.

    First your letter to J took my breath away, not only the words themselves, but actually doing it! Kudos to you. I can’t personally empathize with the journey you’ve taken to get him and you where you are today, but my wealth of years alongside the drama of others and some of my own solidifies my emotional understanding of the gutsiness you obviously own!!!

    • Lorraine Marie Reguly says

      Thanks, Elaine! You’ve been an inspiration to me, and I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been moved to tears by any other author – ever. You truly have a gift, and I meant each and every word.

      I also saw that you have posted on your blog about this. Thank you. 🙂

      Merry Christmas, Elaine. 🙂

  15. hi lorraine; a very powerful letter you have written here. glad you decided to share it with us and that your son agreed to have it published. and i agree with the rest of the group you should definitely start the book. do you have any letters from your son to be included? you could have a real best seller here. and maybe the story could be a movie of the week or something. thanks again and merry christmas to both of you, max

    • Lorraine Marie Reguly says

      Thanks for your comments, Max; I appreciate your kind words. This is one of my writing projects for 2014 now! I don’t know how this could be made into a movie, but maybe my other book could! 😉 wink wink

      And yeah, I’m grateful to J for letting me share this. 🙂

  16. HI Lorraine,

    You know I’m not a mother but I so admire Mom’s, especially those left to raise their children on their own.

    I do have nieces and nephews though and a step-son I only reconnected with about three years ago now. Yeah, his father and I parted ways in a not so pleasant manner either. It’s always the children that are left with questions.

    Your letter is beautiful and I’m sure the book is a tear jerker. I lost my Dad 10 years ago this year and there were never words left unsaid. The same with my Mom, we’re very close as I am with my entire family. Having lived with a Dad that was ill my entire life you don’t take life for granted, not one second.

    I think this is a very important reminder to anyone who may be in that predicament at the moment. Thank you for sharing this with us and to J. for letting you.

    Enjoy your weekend.

    ~Adrienne

    • Lorraine Marie Reguly says

      Adrienne, I was really happy that J. gave me permission to publish this. He knows how much my blog means to me, and is very encouraging of my pursuit of a career in writing. I’m very grateful for that. Sometimes he reads my posts – but I never know when since he never comments. But that’s okay with me. He’s generally pretty private and doesn’t really like social media, either. But every now and then he’ll inform me, “Hey, Ma, I was reading your blog last night!” 🙂

      I’m happy you re-connected with your stepson. He must be, too!

      Have a wonderful weekend, Adrienne.

    • Lorraine Marie Reguly says

      Awww, thanks, Jeri!

      I like how you pointed out that “the right set of readers” is important. Too often, authors forget to identify their target market.

  17. Hi Lorraine,

    Ah…that letter surely touched my heart and I could feel all that you must have felt those years you were away from your son….

    It’s certainly not easy to part with your child for so long, yet due to the circumstances sometimes we are left with no other option, though I’m glad you are back into his life. I think the letter was what moved me the most because it showed us your feelings for him all through the years, right from the time he was young to the present day – very well written indeed 🙂

    Thanks for sharing. Have a nice week ahead 🙂

    • Lorraine Marie Reguly says

      Harleena, thank you for your kind words and for taking the time to comment. I’m happy I was able to express my emotions clearly and touch you. I appreciate you’re saying so.

      Have a wonderful day!

  18. That’s a lot of roles (the Santa Easter Bunny Tooth Fairy thing especially)

    Does he ever write like you Lorraine?

    He should – you’ve harnessed it for great things and I think if he wrote a blog it’d be another layer for you two to stay connected.

    • Lorraine Marie Reguly says

      YAY! I finally got a guy to speak up! Thanks, Greg! 🙂

      Being a bunch of things to a little baby, boy, teen, and now, adult is what I had to do; it’s what all single parents do. I’m fortunate to have him in my life now, and even though he doesn’t write like me, he does send me the occasional email, always sends me texts, and calls me, and sometimes Skypes with me. He does not read novels like I do, either, but enjoys reading magazines and articles on the internet. He’s smart, but we are two opposite people with very different interests.

      I’ve been reading and writing ever since I can remember (like age four or five) and used to read in the dark when I was a child (in bed, after my siblings and I were told “lights out”) using the streetlight outside my bedroom window for illumination. My son was always encouraged to read and write but is not the bookworm that I am! His penmanship is not really neat either – he should have become a doctor! LOL He’d fit right in!

      He doesn’t believe in Santa, but Santa’s going to be extra nice to him this year! (I have to make up three years worth of Christmases, in my mind.) I cannot wait to see the expression on his face when he sees his many gifts! 🙂

      As a guy, do you do a lot of reading or writing? Other than blog posts, I mean…

  19. Arleen says

    Lorraine- Your letter to your son is beautiful. I have a son who I am very close to. I know I will always be his Mom and we have an extraordinary bond. When there is such a bond and love we don’t look at it as failure but just a stage we went through. Having my son in my life I am truly blessed as you are having yours in your life.

    • Lorraine Marie Reguly says

      Thanks, Arleen. I’m sure your bond with all of your children is strong, especially your daughter, whom I know you have but didn’t mention here. 🙂 I appreciate your comment.

  20. Very touching Lorraine.Your words clearly show how much you love your son. I know you think you failed him, but from what I just read, you were and are a very loving and caring mother. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Your son must be as proud of you, as you are of him. Thank you for sharing.

    • Lorraine Marie Reguly says

      Thanks, Donna.

      Yes, I love my son. It’s great that he now tells me that he loves me, too. 🙂 It took us a while to get to the point where he felt comfortable enough to speak those words again, but we’ve been there for a while now, and I’m so happy about it. When he gives me hugs, it’s even better; I can feel his strength and he makes me feel secure – our roles have been reversed! He’s proud of me again, now, too, which really warms my heart. It’s been a rough road, but making the changes I have made in recent years has helped tremendously – which is what he wanted for us both all along.

      I’m happy I shared this, too, Donna. Since you’ve been reading some of my poetry lately, I’m sure you have gotten a glimpse into some of my sordid past. I’m happy to report that I’m a “good girl” now!

  21. says

    I like the parts of your letter, where you remember the little things and how important they were then and now. This is a great piece of writing and worth publishing.

    • Lorraine Marie Reguly says

      Thanks, Jo Ann! It’s funny how I remember certain things, too, and when I asked my son about them, he had no idea what I was talking about – we each have different memories. Naturally, I’m going to remember things differently than he will/does, but certain things stick out in my mind more than others due to their sensitive and important nature.

      I’m convinced already that publishing a book of letters is worthwhile and I’ll definitely include this letter in my book – so consider this a sneak preview! 🙂

  22. says

    Oh Lorraine, I feel every word that you write here about your son. As you know I have two sons, 31 and 25. Even though I was married to their father during most of their young lives he was quite absent, both physically, due to his job, and worse, emotionally, due to his problems. I felt like a single mother most of the time as I was the one who did everything, and I mean everything.

    I don’t say this to seem like I’m trying to make myself look like a super mum or anything, just to show that because of that, I poured all I had into all my kids I felt it more keenly I think when they went through that phase of seeming not to want to hug me or go places with me.

    When they left home I was devastated and had to learn that I could live my life, still with them as my boys, but in a different way. As you say here, and Alice above, all we want to know as their mums is that we are needed! To have an impromptu hug from them is the best gift of all. The only thing I ever want from them is their company and their time now and then. Yet I am mindful that they need to live their lives, as they do and I had to learn to let them go!!

    I didn’t think my younger son needed me much until he went through his awful break up with his girlfriend in September and boy, did he need me then! Now he is doing better and it’s time for me to let him go again, and once more, as his mom, I’ve done my job.

    Lorraine, write that book. You have touched my heart with your heartfelt words, your unconditional love and care for your boy drips from every line and yes, you went through hard times and it wasn’t easy by any means for you both but there is a clear message of redemption, forgiveness and healing here which is what I, as a reader, want to see.

    Thank you for sharing what must have quite heartwrenching. Bless you for sharing your heart with us today my friend.

    • Lorraine Marie Reguly says

      Oh, Sherri. Thank you. For your words, your emotions, your encouragement, your love. Thank you for reading this. Thank you so much. My eyes are moist again.

      Oh Sherri, um…I think I’m going to have to listen to Steve Perry’s song. LOL Like you haven’t heard that before. 😉

      Trying to lighten the mood here…

      Yes, I’ve been on an emotional roller-coaster lately, yet I’m happier, which is good. I never thought that I’d feel so much, be passionate about so much, or be so prone to sobbing. I guess that’s what baring your soul does, though.

      I can’t wait to hear from the men who read my posts. I wonder if their eyes will become moist or if this post will elicit emotions in them. Yeah, that may sound stereotypical, but stereotypes exist for a reason. I hope some men answer and prove me wrong! (oooh, a dare…sure to get some responses if they read comments, too!)

      • says

        Aww, bless you Lorraine, I just write what I feel and I mean every word 🙂

        Yes, it will be very interesting to see what other feedback you get here from the men 😉

        • Lorraine Marie Reguly says

          I don’t have too many male readers (from what I can tell); maybe a dozen. Most don’t comment, though, so I’m really hoping some will speak up. 😉

  23. I have tears in my eyes as I read this. My son is not estranged to me, but it is only recently (for at least 10 years) that he hugs me and shows any affection. It is an age thing (and a boy thing). To be voluntarily hugged without prompting does much more for me than he will ever know. And of course he still wants his mum when he his sick – just like in the old days.

    • Lorraine Marie Reguly says

      Alice, thank you for your honesty. I’m grateful for it. (I cried reading Elaine’s memoirs a bunch of times.)

      I’m glad your son still hugs you! I love it when mine does! How old is your boy? A teenager? Mine is now 23. I’m not sure I mentioned that in this post; I think I’ll update it, just in case. 🙂

      It’s sure nice to feel needed, isn’t it?

      • Yes it’s lovely. He’s 19, and quite grown up, but he will always be my little boy. He’s left home and gone to university, so when he comes home with piles of washing it’s only natural for me to slot into my maternal role again.

        • Lorraine Marie Reguly says

          My son was 19 when he decided to leave home and make it on his own, doing his own thing, so I can relate to that, but I didn’t see him for over three years. When my appendix burst, I had an awakening and ended up finding him and calling him (for the full story, you can read the posts I linked to in this one). We got back in touch with one another, thankfully.

          My son does his own laundry. Even as a teen, he didn’t want me washing his clothes. He’s a really neat person and even irons his clothes. He is the tidiest and conscientious teen I have ever known! I guess his early “training” of folding socks and towels taught him something! 🙂

          Now that I taught him how to sew, it makes me wonder what I can teach him next.

          Do you send “care packages” to your son? If so, I bet he likes them!

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